|Reviews for After the Fall|
| Cheile chapter 5 . 7/14
:peeks in: So I'm horridly embarrassed—I was supposed to be catching up ages ago and I got tied up with school and life and uggh. :/ so I'm here now!
I can tell by his behavior throughout the party that John is just doing his damndest to go through the motions. Even Molly's gorgeous dress reminds him of his loss because he remembers that Molly bought it to wear for Sherlock at some point in the past. I like how you make his tuning out Chrissy and Mike's recitation of their kids' every little milestone to be more about his dislike of Chrissy and how fake she is (both physically and mentally, heh)—and that he's able to hold onto that façade until the drunk woman slams into Chrissy and gives Molly a wine bath. It's a bit of normalcy for John because I'm gathering that, if all was right with the world, that he'd be doing the same tune-out thing as well.
As for Claire the Lush, if this is what she's like drunk, I'd hate to talk to her when she's sober. I felt awful reading and mentally "listening" to that line of BS, so I can only imagine how Molly and John were feeling. Uggh, I do not blame John AT ALL for walking out on that slandering of Sherlock's memory. I can only imagine how that must have upset him. :(
The following scenes with Molly taking command of the situation and taking John back to her place were nicely done at a pace that helped to ease the tension from the previous scene. I got a good giggle out of the "repeating stuff over and over til you give in" is Molly's way of winning the argument. Helps me get to know her better since I'm fandom blind. Being a cat person, I especially adored Toby's part in the latter scene. John may still feel he's not in need of or deserving of comfort, but a cat is the best kind. they may lightly demand (loved Toby shoving at John's hand!) but they are masters at calming an upset person. I can't begin to count the number of times Meru has done the same for me.
:goggle: SHERLOCK, WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!? This whole scene was great—from them arguing over the why-can't-you-just-tell-John aspect to Sherlock listing chapter and verse to prove that she is "sentimental" about John (though I'd use "besotted", but hey, Sherlock's got his own terminology goin on :P) I will say the only part of Sherlock's "assessment" I don't agree with is the whole shoes thing. Since Molly didn't do any major dancing I don't think her feet would have been that sweaty—but I suppose he's just covering all the bases ;)
I was intrigued that he went upstairs one final time to peek in on John before leaving and I confess I'm not getting his last thought abt "find me a case" but I'm thinking that's my fandom-blindness rearing its head again, so ignore :P
Side note abt music: Adrian von Ziegler's "Remembrance" came up on the playlist during the final scene with Molly and Sherlock and it made a good background piece.
Great chapter! lookin forward to the next :) :)
| The Lauderdale chapter 1 . 12/21/2014
"but it not particularly professional" - Just a typo.
"he said in different tones" - I wondered if this should be, "he said in a different tone," as the response was a fairly brief one and I don't imagine he would have employed many tones to say it.
"other things more sinister" - I know about foxes in British urban or suburban settings, but what other more sinister things would be in the weeds?
"That had been on Thursday" - I wondered if this might be better as "That was Thursday," as the whole scene has been in the past tense to this point. "That had been on Thursday" makes the exchange suddenly feel like it is supposed to have taken place in a more distant past that is being reflected on days later.
Honestly, I think this is an excellent first chapter and that is speaking as someone who is mostly fandom-blind: I've only seen Episode 1 of "Sherlock" and I don't know all of the dynamics involved. *Is* Molly someone who is likely to pull on her ponytail in front of Mycroft? That was my only question re: characterization, and I ask because I truly don't know.
The high point, for me, was the entire scene between Molly and John: two people who are slightly helpless on both sides of an encounter. I loved this description: "his face twitching briefly into what was meant to be a polite smile and didn't quite make it." I'm glad he took the casserole, whether it annoyed him or not.
The chapter ends on a promisingly ominous note - it does feel rather abrupt and I felt somehow that I would have like another line after "Be careful, Miss Hooper," but I'm assuming this was a stylistic choice of yours and that it is not likely to change.
Sorry not to give a longer review, and sorry to review a chapter that has probably already been reviewed umpteen times before. As another note, I love the summary you have for this story: it feels evocative (the phrase "John finds love that he isn't afraid of" is the reason why, I think.)
| Surburia chapter 5 . 12/20/2014
Sorry for the delay. I really appreciated you reviewing chapter 2. Just been kind of crazy around here with the holidays, but I finally have some free time and I’ve been thinking about this story, so I’m super excited to get back to it! :D
How cute that John notices Molly’s dress. But then of course thoughts of Sherlock sneak in there. Though it’s interesting to see how the dress becomes a theme throughout the chapter. You give us all three of the main character’s feeling about it. John notices it, but instantly thinks of Sherlock. It’s a bit ambiguous when Molly thinks she bought it to impress her crush, though I think you’re referring back to the party in the second season, still I can only assume she’s using it in the same way at this party. And then we see in Sherlock’s deduction how he interprets her wearing it. Just thought it was interesting how it runs through the narrative, and also gives us insight into how the characters’ view the relationships they have with each other.
“Human slinky” haha! Nice details about Chrissy and Mike. They’re OCs, right? Can’t remember them from the show. But providing this little anecdote makes them fit right in.
Wow, Claire is just awful. I feel so badly for Molly having to stand there and not being able to do anything and then of course John’s reaction. I can’t blame him for wanting to get away, but he left poor Molly with Claire, her hands full, and her drunk colleague leaning on her. I can’t really fault him too much I suppose, the way she was talking about Sherlock. I suppose him walking away was better than him blowing up. And in the next scene we see just how the things she said affected him. Poor John. :(
Molly’s recollection of her father serves as a powerful comparison to what John is experiencing, and links the moment for Molly. I think it gives her more insight into how John must be feeling.
The interaction between Molly and Sherlock was wonderful. Sherlock’s monologue/deduction sounded exactly like him. You captured his arrogance, intelligence, and lack for tact, as well as explaining everything in a logical way. It’s easy to read and follow, and yet I have to think difficult to write.
I’m really starting to see the toll it’s taking on Molly having to keep this secret from John in her attempt to reason with Sherlock. Oh, and when John finds out that they’re both in on it, especially with the budding relationship he has with Molly, I see him being even angrier and more hurt than he was in the show. Ugh, this is going to be painful.
Well once again really great chapter!
| Luna Rapunzel chapter 14 . 12/13/2014
It was great to see your description of Lestrade's team sort of from the perspective of an outsider, what with how he's sort of frowned upon as a leader for not being able to reign them in and some of your attention to detail there ('that Donovan woman,' etc). Really goes a long way, I think, in further characterizing him from a new angle - both what he's like and his reputation (and what his interactions with Gregson say about the way he does his job, too). You had some really great humor in that scene, too, with the testicle bit and the kidney bit; moreover, it felt like a realistic way of writing Lestrade's work, because this IS his everyday job and people joke around with their coworkers on a regular work day, so it's nice to keep that in perspective, sort of? idk. but.
Starting to get really curious exactly how much and what Sherlock knows and the extent of his involvement in the murders, especially going off of the end of the previous chapter (this comment probably would have fit in better there but I forgot to mention it) - it was almost worded like he has something to do with the killings, and THAT'S pretty fishy and intriguing.
The end of this chapter in some ways felt a lot more just like plot setup than anything, which isn't a criticism, exactly - you certainly did a good job of the way you organized it - but it /does/ mean I don't have a whole ton to say about it, except 'I see what you did there' and I'm interested to see where you go with the new job and with Hayley. (...and I think that's all I have to say on that front. I suck.)
| Luna Rapunzel chapter 13 . 12/12/2014
I've been semi mentally out of it since being in the hospital, but I'll do my best to be articulate, so bear with me!
I thought you did a lovely job of portraying John's persisting grief over Sherlock's presumed death when describing in that first scene all of the reasons for his reluctance to go back to Baker Street to visit Mrs. Hudson. Something about the way you wrote how he's half-lying to himself about still being upset by it (like his reasons for delaying visiting her) for some reason almost seemed on par with his trauma from the kind of PTSD experiences he has from the war, which was very striking in what that then says once again about the depth of his bond to Sherlock. Maybe it was because of the sort of poignant tone of that opening section, with the sentence fragments and everything you had going on? I loved how you revisited that at the end of the chapter, too, with Mycroft's jab accusing Sherlock of being jealous not of John but of Molly for being close to John, and I thought you did it perfectly by just dropping it in and not having Mycroft flesh that out for Sherlock, both because using fewer words like that really spoke volumes and just because it was so funny to watch Sherlock get increasingly frustrated - you did a really, really lovely job capturing the incredibly immature dynamic of Mycroft and Sherlock's relationship, and it was both very true to their canon characterizations and to the fact that they grew up together, because you can so clearly see that kind of childhood sibling rivalry playing out even in their interactions as grown men. Loved that Sherlock pointed that out himself, too, by pointing out that just Mycroft bringing up the game in the first place gives him a childish leverage over Sherlock whether he goes along with it or not, but then even Sherlock pointing that out and /caring/ so much instead of just letting it go goes to show how much Mycroft still gets to him - and just the entire thing was so juvenile and, because of it, hilarious (and honest, too).
Really expert-ful (not a word, but screw it) descriptions of Mrs. Hudson's physical appearance to show how it reflects how her character is doing at this point in time - it actually really goes to show how good of a job you did with this because in my own writing I avoid describing characters' physical appearances for the most part for stylistic reasons (I have a thing about not wanting my readers to jump to any unconscious or conscious conclusions about my characters based on any stereotypes they might have based on physical descriptions), but then you were able to turn that peeve/thing of mine on its head and use that sort of description to work /for/ her characterization instead of against it by not just giving facts about what she looks like but by having what that says about her mental state really deeply ingrained in the descriptions themselves, and then you took it to an even further level by using her appearance to say things about /John/ when he's reflecting on how her sort of transformation affects him and the way he views her and how his mind immediately jumps to Lestrade and just the whole thing was really intricately and naturally done. Yes. (Also, as a plot note, I loved how she perked up immediately at their physical contact and proceeded to tell half the cast about their relationship - great infusion of humor there, and again, it was really true to the characters.)
John and Harry's entire conversation had me silently laughing to myself, so really well done with your dialogue in that, and you as usual did a great job of writing Sherlock's deductions realistically, which always impresses me when people are able to do that just because he's /so/ incredibly attentive to detail. (I was thrown off by the 'left ear' line, though - not sure what you were trying to refer to there.) Period should be inside the quotes when you say 'middle aged' in the first scene; I think there was one other typo in that opening scene as well, but I'm glancing back through now and I can't find it, so maybe I was just sleepy and confused when I read it the first time this morning, idk.
| Surburia chapter 4 . 12/10/2014
Finally, I get to read chapter 4. Can’t wait to get into this!
It’s really telling to see how John can’t step inside of the flat he shared with Sherlock, and once again illustrates the effect that Sherlock’s death has had on him. I’m glad that even if he doesn’t think he needs support that the people in his life are there for him. He doesn’t want to suffer the anguish that being in such close proximity to where he spent all of those happy days with Sherlock would cause. For me, I read this in two different ways. First that it would be too painful for him to return because of the memories that are associated with that flat, and the other that in some way it seems like he’s punishing himself. He’s living in this cold dirty flat pushing away the people who want to help him but he must feel that in some way he doesn’t deserve happiness.
I like the reintroduction of Henry Knight, and the conversation he has with John.
I never thought of the social media ramifications that would happen following Sherlock’s death, but now that you bring it up it really adds a sense of reality to the story. It seems like it could very well be a plausible outcome. And the fact that you mention how John can’t bring himself to do anything with his blog is great because it extends to him as well. Both he and his blog are in a state of stagnation.
It’s nice to see that John and Molly’s relationship is continuing to grow. And the conversation the follows as to why John didn’t say that Molly was a friend of his makes me think about their relationship. He seems oblivious as to why it might concern Molly, when he thinks, “why is this so important.” But the fact that Molly shows that she has feeling for John, and I suspect John has them too, it’s either something he doesn’t think about, and his passing comment about Molly being Sherlock’s friend was said without much thought. Or it could be, that since, he just lost his closest friend, it’s easier to keep his feelings withheld. Subconsciously, it’s a way of protecting himself; If he doesn’t have friends, he can’t be hurt kind of thing.
Haha love the details about the Christmas party. Aww and John and Molly are going together. Too cute. :3
“And even worse John couldn’t tell her exactly where to go, because she’d brought Mrs. Hudson with her.” Haha this line made me laugh. Just the whole scenario of Harry making John try on clothes for the party is too funny.
Haha there really is a difference between John and Harry and you can see it with the suits. Harry appears pretty extravagant willing to spend 900 pounds on one suit, and John is incredibly frugal. Nice characterization.
And the fact that John thinks about Sherlock while trying on the suits really shows how he’s always at the forefront of his mind. How he thinks about Sherlock in moments like this, illustrates the extent that Sherlock’s loss has had on him. It seems like these thoughts must be second nature by now.
And John kept all the small trinkets from their adventures. It’s often small things like that that have the most meaning; things that wouldn’t have any significance to anyone else, but can elicit a memory. Little touches like that add reality to this story.
John’s thoughts about the cuff links once again illustrate how he can’t move on. Instead of celebrating his friend’s life by wearing them, they only serve as a reminder of his death. Wonderful showing here. There’s a lot that can be taken away from scenes like this as well as the earlier one between John and Molly, and even just the small thoughts of Sherlock that are interspersed throughout John’s thoughts. You don’t over explain, and you give the reader the chance to come to his or her own conclusions.
Once again, you’ve written a great chapter. Your stories are so easy to review because there are so many good things to comment on throughout. I’m looking forward to the next one! :D
| GGMK chapter 1 . 12/2/2014
Opening the story with an ominous sentence about death and funerals and such is a good way to get the reader interested in what's going on.
Lestrade has a lot of titles, huh. I like how you can tel from that one sentence how his relationship to Julie ha changed. It's amazing how much is in a simple name.
Even though its a dramatic scene, I did giggle when Lestrade was basically forced to hand over John's number. A man can't say no to a woman's tears. ;)
The scene where Molly meets up with John is somber. He tries hard not to show what he's feeling, keeping himself well-groomed, but Molly can see right through him. Its very nice of her to keep going when she can; I like how you didn't have her go every single day. That wouldn't be realistic.
And there's the twist. I don't think its right, not telling John about Sherlock, but I suppose Mycroft's reasoning is sound. Smug jerks like that are the worst, because they have a good reason to be smug.
I liked it. Admittedly, I haven't seen too much Sherlock, but I got the gist of it, and it was easy for me to get into. I didn't notice any grammar errors, and I found myself enjoying the way you described things. Two thumbs up.
| Nightmare Prince chapter 1 . 11/17/2014
First of all I should tell you that I am fandom-blind. I think I watched Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century a few times and that was it (yes I know that was a cartoon and this isn’t but it counts for something I think)
I like how you introduce your characters, especially Lestrade –by use of his various titles – [He was Boss . . . Answering to ‘Lestrade’] Its very helpful to readers like me (The ones who are as blind as bats). The phrase [localised tornado] was also very interesting, nice use of imagery.
[Lestrade groaned in spirit] I can really picture this, very interesting way of finding out about his exasperation. It instantly lets us know that Molly has asked this question before.
Does Molly have a romantic inclination towards this aforementioned John? It’s coming across as more of a concerned love interest than a matronly friend.
Ooooooh . . . so John is Watson; it now makes sense that he would be really depressed after Sherlock supposedly died.
Mycroft comes across as a tad eccentric doesn’t he? I do enjoy your way of describing how out of place Molly is in the Diogenes Club – I take it that he’s Sherlock’s brother.
[Molly was sitting . . . it terrified her] Me likey; very poignant way of capturing both her feelings towards Mycroft and also informing us that he is quite notorious, quite dramatic too and I do enjoy a bit of drama.
So Molly and Mycroft are in on the secret, hmmm is explains why she would come to him. I don’t imagine Sherlock would have told all and sundry he would be planning on faking his own death but it strikes me as strange that he did not tell Watson. I’m sure this will be explained soon.
Fantastic way of ending the chapter, it creates a nice hook for the next chapter. A
Now if you will excuse me I have to go to Musica and purchase the Sherlock Holmes boxset, you have converted me, I now feel the need to watch the series because it sounds extremely interesting.
Great chapter, look forward to reading more.
| Surburia chapter 3 . 11/15/2014
On to chapter 3!
The following are notes I took while reading:
I think choosing to set the story in fall was nice choice as it reflects the atmosphere of the story. When you say that it went from September to October, the days became even shorter and the weather more bitter, I get a sense that what is store for the characters will also reflect this. It’s a nice method of foreshadowing what may happen in this chapter.
“his boots glistening like slugs in the dewy grass” love this line.
I’m intrigued by the gruesome murder, and like how you provide Lestrade’s thoughts throughout; we get some insight into how he conducts his investigations, and we see how Sherlock’s death is affecting him. And then the intruding thought of Sherlock’s death provoked by seeing this murder, let’s me know that Sherlock’s death is still very much at the forefront of Lestrade’s mind. And as this section progresses we see just in what way Lestrade is affected, and I think it’s not just his investigation that suffers for the lack of Sherlock. In his conversation with Anderson, we can see his mounting frustration as Anderson fails to provide answers. He realizes that this investigation, without Sherlock to help could drag on for months. I love this insight into how Sherlock’s death is affecting Lestrade. I thinking that this murder will somehow link back to Moriarity and I can’t wait to see the connection.
I can tell you put a lot of thought into the specific details of the murder.
Nice conversation between John and Harry. As we haven’t seen Harry in the show, I thought your description of her was well thought out. I liked the detail of the streak of blue hair, and John’s observation that she was stuck perpetually in her teenage years.
I think their conversation conveys how she cares and worries for him. And lovely character detail about John’s cleaning when he’s under stress. But the fact that the fridge is stocked and he’s been going for walks with Molly’s hints at a blossoming relationship between those two.
I love how this story is progressing. There are now many storylines, and I can’t wait to see how everything comes together. I didn’t notice any SPAG or awkward phrasing. Wonderful, clear writing as usual, lovely dialogue, and a tight plot, make for a very compelling read, and I am defiantly invested in this story now.
| Surburia chapter 2 . 11/10/2014
Yay! I’m excited to get back into your story after the stellar first chapter.
My notes while reading:
I love the details about how Mycroft reacts to John’s intrusion. He acts like, “Oh, yep, I was completely expecting this.” And I laughed at the visual of him sitting calmly while John bursts into the club. You have his character down so well.
Can I just say I love that you used the word nonagenarians!
You have their voices down to a tee. I can hear the conversation between John and Mycroft as if I were watching the show.
You let us know without question, how John is feeling about Sherlock’s death with his last bit of dialogue in the end of section one. Even if he was putting on a face of normalcy for Molly, we knew he was upset by the appearance of his flat, and here, now, we begin to see some of the façade cracking to reveal his real feelings.
Nice to get Lestrade’s thoughts on Mycroft. I was debating it for a while, but I like your choice in not showing the fist fight and rather giving us Lestrade’s observations. We are able to garner enough information from what he notices that adding in the actual scene would be redundant. Instead we are left with the aftermath, and given the information that is important. Some people might argue for it, but as I don’t particularly see it adding anything to the story, besides a little excitement. I think it’s a good choice to do without it.
I love the part with Lestrade and the aggressive coffee making. XD
Nice job letting us know more about John’s state of mind through his conversation with Lestrade. Specifically the fact that he’s been getting into fist fights.
Sherlock Holmes and the Adventures of the Nasal Fracture! Haha I love it.
There’s something incredibly unnerving and melancholy about Sherlock’s observation on the flowers on the grave. I think it suits the mood of this scene well.
Ah, that ending. How difficult it must be in such close proximity and yet Sherlock can do nothing. This was another excellent chapter. I didn’t notice any SPAG errors. As I said before, I love your narration, and how you infuse moments of comedy within. In many ways I think this is true to the show. I love how all the information you provide is in some way pertinent to the story. It seems like everything you write has a purpose in some way of either moving us forward or providing us information on the characters’ relationships. The dialogue is wonderful; I can easily hear these characters having these conversations. Great work on this, and I look forward to reading more.
| MarvelPietro chapter 1 . 11/10/2014
Reading “After The Fall” chapter one is similar to winning the lottery. You stand in que, wait to be handed your ticket and go off to do what you want to do; but you feel lucky because you hit the jackpot. Your first paragraph is beautifully written with details that swallow the reader in whole.
The way you personalize the reader a.k.a. Moi! With Lestrade is fantastic! You give us his names, titles , occupational titles he chose like detective or Dad, you hadn't devalued one over the over, you made all of the same worth but inform the reader what he usually answered to was Lestrade. You made me feel connected to him, in a way I hadn't in other forms media.
I LOVE YOUR WRITING OF Molly! You have her spot on down to the specific sort of attire she'd wear, “pink knitted sweater and plaid trousers.” Gotta love the thought that went into musing over her clothes.
The evolution of her look on a daily basis was a nice touch, EVEN Lestrade knows her braided hair started out neatly when she first starts her day then unravels like snakes braided together or the image you wrote for us, about it looking as if she got into some “ tornado”. I giggled during that line.
Dialogue was perfected for the characters, in your first chapter the interaction between Molly and Lestrade was an honest portrayal of how conversations might go if these two got to sitting down to discuss something. I like your writing style, the realism of it all. Molly on the verge of tears at the slightest hint of the subject of Sherlock's death, Lestrade giving in to crying Molly, not wishing for her to break her promise. You had him acting very fatherly and it works. Oh, the way he had to hold back from adding an endearment term around her, even if it was parental in nature, it wouldn't work for him during a day in the office.
Did Molly trick him on purpose? Had she known the puppy dog look would work on him, when clearly he wouldn't hand over John's information times before. Sneaky Molly!
The encounter or rather her forcing a meeting with John had the right amount of awkward to make it a swell moment to be repeated during those later chapter perhaps? :) It seemed like something well worth mentioning or foreshadowing.
I was shocked that John, though he needs a haircut and is losing weight is doing alright, I suppose Molly worries had me imagining he was on the verge of tears. Also I'm agitated John didn't ask of her when he talked to Lestrade.
I WANT TO WRITE SO MUCH MORE! Final words here, chapter one is a great and your writing style is something to pride yourself on. :)
| Surburia chapter 1 . 11/6/2014
All right! I’m excited to get to read your story. I enjoy Sherlock, and I’m very interested to see in which direction you decide to take season 3. AU can be fascinating and I can’t wait to get into yours.
I take notes while I'm reading, and these are the things I noticed:
Excellent start. You set the mood well, and from the start I get a sense of the atmosphere of your story. Right after Sherlock’s death, we are wondering how the other characters are coping, and by stating the weather as you do, we get a sense of the dark mood that is hanging over them.
I love the description you give Greg. The man with many names. What an excellent way of telling us his relation with the people he interacts with. I thought going from darling to Greg was especially telling of his relationship with his wife, and I loved this subtle hint at what has become of their relationship.
Wonderful character detail in the third paragraph. I love the things that Lestrade notices about Molly. Not only does it characterize Molly, but lets us know that Lestrade is observant.
Ha! I love that detail about Thompson and the photocopier.
Ah, poor John. :( My heart already aches for him.
Wonderful interaction between Lestrade and Molly. It was easily something I could see taking place in the show. I liked the detail about how Lestrade wants to add darling to the end of Molly’s name. It gives us insight into how he views her, and hints at the later interaction when he eventually gives in to her after she breaks down.
I think you present John’s melancholy in the way you describe the way he is living; in the details of the appearance of the room and his furniture. In the sparse and decrepit furniture, in the coldness. Even if Molly thinks he looks normal, you portray that something isn’t quite right. Uses of the word, rickety, forlorn, torn, hideous, old, damp, cause us to associate these traits with John himself. I love it when I see this in writing. Really, really wonderful.
I love your use of names, and how you can create such a contrast in relations and provide characterization by telling us what certain names mean to different characters. I loved the contrast between the warmth Lestrade has for Molly, barely able to contain himself from adding ‘darling’ and the cold, “Mrs. Hooper” that Mycroft uses. It’s very in character, and as a reader I appreciate your insight and attention to detail.
Excellent, this is a wonderful start. It will be interesting, and I’m sure quite heartrending to witness Molly try to keep the secret of Sherlock’s death from John. And poor, poor John, living in his crummy cold flat. It makes me so sad.
This was a great hook of a first chapter, and I’m invested in the story. Your writing is involving, and detailed, and character driven, and I can tell you have a keen eye for detail. Just all around wonderful job here.
| mrspencil chapter 7 . 11/4/2014
Christmas neatly described...glad there were no major fall outs; allowed the tensions and awkward questions some space:-)
| mrspencil chapter 6 . 11/4/2014
I was quite stunned that Mycroft might authorise such activity; expected more subtlety from him. Lots of manipulation and deceit going on. A lot to undo later.
I do like Molly's selection of hobbies and areas of interest:-)
| Believe4Ever chapter 4 . 11/3/2014
Ah, yet another chapter of this fic that hits me with emotions like gutting a fish. Let's get started.
Right off you're continuing with your great descriptions, telling with the illusion of showing and keeping the readers engaged, even if they know the answers to everything being told to them. It's still interesting and fun to read.
"Unfairly, perhaps, it…" This sentence read a little awkwardly to me and I couldn't quite tell what you were saying. Was it unfair for him to think this of her? Was it unfair for her to be acting this way? It's a bit unclear to me.
"harpooning a dead pig" Still a favorite memory of mine and it makes me chuckle that you included it.
You included the I Believe in Sherlock Holmes campaign! Oh, what fond memories. I love when writers include this in their stories.
Nice vocabulary with "dithering".
"why do…feeling well." I really liked this short tidbit of a story. It gave a subtle look into John's childhood while also mentioning that fact that people think of John as feeling ill because of all that he is going through. Two birds, one stone, as it is.
Ah, John, don't you know how to handle these social situations? Molly is your friend! You can claim her as such! Of course she's going to care when she's been trying so hard to make you feel better for however long it's been….With both of them being so socially awkward it's almost painful to read their embarrassed conversations with one another. They both practically have the catch phrase of "it's fine" don't they?
"Do Not Sell To This Woman order" I believe wholeheartedly that John would go through with this, too.
"John still had…" The listing that comes after this sentence was awkward. I understand that you used periods for emphasis but I think it would have simply flowed better if you listed it with commas or semicolons instead.
I love your bits of humor in this story and it ended up turning into more of a narration of my reactions, didn't it? Well, I loved it and as always your chapter was great! The plot was enjoyable with tidbits of humor thrown in here and there.