|Reviews for The Forbidden Hot Spring|
| arrrianna chapter 1 . 2/24
| Applauze chapter 1 . 5/28/2014
Good, what a lady!
| panda1222 chapter 1 . 11/11/2012
Perhaps because male and female porn may be different, but I feel this could be better.
he moonchild then stood really close to her with their soaked bodies being mushed to one another. Suddenly, why on earth did Dakota feel so strange about this. It creeped her out a little that Dawn's chest was touching the famemonger's arm like that. Dawn's pure sweet dark blue eyes made Dakota blush just like the scorching hot sun herself. The hot blonde famemonger hated to admit it, but...
...Dawn looked really cute. In a fairy way, perhaps. Not to mention she looked very attractive in a very dark fashion. This made Dakota take a deep breath and finally blurt out her problem.
"...I sorta like someone..."
"Really, who? Tell me..." Dawn said with such a sudden murmur to her voice. Then strangely, Dawn started to touch the famemonger's arm in a real smooth, sweet fashion. This gave Dakota the strangest confusing goosebumps that she could ever feel in such a very long time. Her blush then started to feel a little hot than ever. Could this be the fact that Dakota doesn't like Sam, but instead...
...she would like Dawn?
She could like both.
And I'd lay off on the adjectives, it's too wordy, and it's distracting from the story. I don't need to know about Dakota's "pure, sweet, dark blue" eyes (you also forgot to add commas). That's three adjectives. You only need one or two, anything more is just necessary.
Within a matter of moments, Dakota somehow forced her lips right into the moonchild's unexpectedly. Dawn on the other hand, felt so stunned and shocked in a amusing way quite honestly. Dakota's lips were so sweet like bubblegum-flavored cotton candy. One the flavor touched your lips, you have no choice but to become so addicted to the taste. And Dawn could feel the taste go right inside her body.
In an instant, Dawn wrapped her arms right around Dakota and cocked her head to the side, which made them deepened the soft french kiss they were quite enduring. It felt so hot. It felt so heavy. And in a twist of fate, the hot kiss they we're sharing felt so right.
"Mmmmmmmmm..." Dawn moaned as she felt Dakota's tongue go deep inside her. It was amazing that Dakota was definitely an awesome kisser. But Dawn retaliated by inserting her tongue inside hers. Dawn's tongue felt so slick and it felt so long it was like an eel was sliding right inside her sweet bubble-gum flavored mouth. Their hands were rubbing each other's waists and caressing each other's creamy skin. Their whole entire body heat made their whole tongue make-out session feel like reality and fantasy put together. Too bad no guy was here to see this experience.
You know, girls can like it too (I'm reading this, aren't I?). Most lesbians don't really like being sexualized, and personally, I'd find it kinda creepy if someone was watching me have sex.
"Ohhhhh, make me cum... make me cum... MAKE ME CUUUUUM!" Dakota shouted orgasmically.
"OhhhHHHHHH... I'M CUMMING TOO!" Dawn shouted orgasmically as well, and with one final jam...
Gah, please don't ujse the word "jam". That generally means a very rough poke. Something very hard and painful, and that's not something you want to appear in a sex fic.
Both Dawn and Dakota soon fully took the time to embrace each other's loving, gentle satisfying eyes from being their most unforgettable first time ever. As they ended with one passionate kiss after another, Dawn took the took the time to finally speak.
Again, too many adjectives.
"Mmmmmmm, that was fun... you know how to cum real good..." Dawn said sweetly onto Dakota, who was feeling the same thing.
"Hehe... you cum even better..." Dakota smiled at her as both of their bodies felt the hot water drip on both of their bodies.
They're...complimenting each other on how they come? I could see them doing it based on how they performed on bed, but orgasming is not something you can control, so why would they compliment each other on it?
You use moonchild and fame-monger way too much. It's pretty clever naming, and good and every once in a while, but after a while it becomes repetitive. Just use her, maybe make synomens with their eyes, and use moonchild and fame-monger only every once in a while, otherwise it loses it's affect.
There could've been a bit more foreplay too. It just kinda seemed like it jumped straight to sex.
Also, and I'm prettysure this was on another fic of yours, but you used "like two sponges rubbbing together underwater" Never use that please. It's not really sexy, kind of weird, and it takes me away from your story having to imagine it.
| The JamesS chapter 1 . 11/4/2012
I love your story it was great. More Dakota/Dawn stories.
| Guest chapter 1 . 10/28/2012
This story was nice
| Sempiternal-Silence chapter 1 . 10/12/2012
Ohkaaaay, I've never actually read a Dakota and Dawn fic before.
I actually did like this, it was well written and just soooo...I don't know, I'm at a loss for words right now...
I've read some of Gidgettefan95's fics and I really like them too.
This Song Is A Curse.
| kyrogue23 chapter 1 . 10/12/2012
I love this and next time do a dawnXzoey fic
| AlmightyGeorgiaCrusher chapter 1 . 10/12/2012
Dude thanks i definitely owe you one big time
| SargentEpsilon chapter 1 . 10/12/2012
Me: Bravo. 10 out of 10. Fingers that is. Hay-oh!
Duncan: (walked in when they started. His nose has been gushing blood the whole time) JACKPOT!
Skarlet from Mortal Kombat: (soaking in all the blood Duncan lost) Agreed.