|Reviews for Deserving|
| Nickirem.Tetsuya.Zoldyck chapter 1 . 7/26/2014
You did a pretty good job on this fic, however, there are some points that you can improve on:
1. OOC-ness. In my point of veiw, Toruh does not seem like the girl to pout and well, shout that much. The amout of exclaimation marks in her speech kind of shows that she is shouting a bit... But still, it wasn't that major.
2. Grammar. Yes, here the grammar Natzi strikes again. One of the things that irks me the most is incorrect grammar. For example: "Well your wrong!" Look back, and you would find at least one mistake. "Your" should be "you're". And I think it would sound better if there were more commas in the speech. Like this: "Well, you're wrong!" It sounds better if you read it out, right? If you don't trust your grammar skills, get a Beta. There are many on this site. A Beta basically prove-reads your fic for you and edits it if you allow them to.
3. The speech. I got this drilled into me a long time ago in year three. Each time a person speaks, it is in a new paragraph.
I think that were the major mistakes. Don't be afraid to PM me if you need help with anything! I don't bite (hard) :3
| NinjalyJen chapter 1 . 6/3/2013
I really liked this! The idea was very good, I love the pairing - the only criticism I have is a bit of grammar errors and slight confusion because of that. You did well. :)
| what-a-delicacy chapter 1 . 10/15/2012
You need to break up your writing. It sucks for readers come to a one-shot, only to be confronted with a giant block of words. For example, you could do this:
She's always so caring towards everyone. She's always smiling that cute little smile. Helping others when she is the one who needs help more! She puts other people first! And she stays strong even though she has every right to break down and cry!
That's why... I don't deserve her. I don't deserve her smile, her laugh, her lips... Yet I take it anyway,Because I'm selfish. She would have been better off choosing Yuki. Why did she choose me? The red-head, hot-head, cursed member of the zodiac!
"Is something wrong Kyo?" Tohru ask worried.
Also, you shouldn't use exclamation points for the hell of it. Exclamation points are meant to be special, so that the reader knows that they should pay attention to THAT specific line that was punctuated with an exclamation point. When you put it at the end of every other sentence, it bores the reader and makes the reader skim through any other exclamation points that were meant to be especially meaningful.
Sentence variety and proper punctuation and grammar would also help so much with your writing. You can't even do direct quoting correctly, nor can you type/write in a consistent tense with subject-verb agreement. You need to fix up your English typing skills before you try to seek criticism for your story. I know this sounds harsh, but you need to be confronted with the truth. Good luck
| Guest chapter 1 . 10/13/2012
she's lucky... KYO SO CUTE
| mssuggalove chapter 1 . 10/12/2012
awwwwwwwwwwww sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooo sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet XD