|Reviews for Supernovae and Black Holes|
| DoceoPercepto chapter 3 . 12/26/2012
Dude. Half my last review got cut off D: Grr, oh well... Didn’t realize that till now and I know I don’t have the second half with me :c This also took longer than anticipated, but what can I do xP
Ha, I see that turgid in there. :P And on a relevant note, I’m still impressed by your word choice. Not particularly which words you select (though those are great too), but /where/ you put them. For example, how “Meta Knight seethed in a breath of sticky air.” I’ve never seen anyone use ‘seethed’ in such a context before - mostly because it doesn’t directly apply to breathing at all - but it fits perfectly in this sentence. Huh, hard to get across what I mean exactly, but it’s the originality of word placement that really strikes me.
Looks like Meta Knight’s in some kind of factory or forge, where they create war supplies. So Popstar does have its own forges for this, even though it is neutral and currently (as far as we know) only ships supplies /out/ to foreign nations. Lesse, from Marx’s father’s initial description, Meta Knight has some influence over the court and King Dedede’s decisions, though we don’t know his specific job yet. Powerful enough to terrify a wee little bookkeeper and influence Dedede. The latter probably more significant.
“He turned a corner, entering a reception area, where he found one, lone worker...” - no comma needed after ‘one’
“The office complex led to a series of pressurized rooms, small, dark, and hot.” - instead of a comma after ‘rooms,’ it should be a colon.
Hrm, unfortunately I have less to say about Meta Knight’s characterization /in contrast to my ridiculous overboard on Marx’s/. It’s different with Meta Knight, though, since he begins any story with a history of characterization behind him, whether you take anime!Meta Knight or game!Meta Knight. That said, his dialogue fits him brilliantly.
So... how big exactly is each nation? They’re equivalent to countries in size, aren’t they? (Which leaves a lot of variation... but gives me a better idea of their size). Random question, but it occurred to me that Mount Dedede is pretty big, yet Marx didn’t mention it in passing in the previous chapter. Unless he can’t see it from where he is /or I just missed it/ or it doesn’t particularly matter xD
Funny that Meta Knight calls the indistinguishable items hanging from the chains torture devices. Once you started describing the room, I had the exact same thought going through my head.
FFFFF oh god. Glory hole? o.0 Um, is that the actual name of such a place in a forge? Really, I need to know... (just looked it up). Oh. It is. Wow. Okay... Never mind then xD
“Beneath the sounds gears and hammers and cursing and crackling fire” - the sounds OF gears and hammers?
“Meta Knight entered, the room a glow with lava” - aglow is one word
“Small, rock pillars were cut down and used as work tables” - no comma needed after small. You really like those extra commas with two descriptive words before a noun.
Y’know, it seems unusual that a man of Meta Knight’s apparent status must overlook the going-ons of the factory... Except Meta Knight is a very unusual character and he does nothing without some purpose. For the most part, anyway. Makes me very curious to learn exactly what he’s doing down in the forge and why. This must be among his duties, since he’s not wholly unfamiliar to the workers, yet still... Hmmm...
“Most mistook the penguin king for an idiot, and, most would be right” - really, you don’t need either comma here. The one after ‘and,’ however, is incorrect no matter which way you look at it. The one before is optional... I can kinda see how the second comma would be intended to be incorrect, simply to give that extra pause after the ‘and’ but that would mostly only be if the story was to be read aloud.
Biggest weapon factory in the country? Knowledge assimilated. Guess it makes sense. Doubt there’s an overflow of perfect mountain forges.
Haha! I love how Meta Knight just punched the gramophone. That’s how badasses do it.
“as well as the box pastries beneath them.” - box OF pastries
“Worker's I've put you in charge of?” - workers
Man, I’d hate to be chewed out like that by Meta Knight. I’d almost feel bad for those two, except they clearly could be working harder. As it is, I can’t help grinning at this scene because it’s so Meta Knight. Dunno if that’s what you intended, but there it is! XD
“sending them dangerously close to the pool of bubbling lava not ten feet away,” - period?
Err, you didn’t mention that the firecrackers were in a burlap sack until it was in Meta Knight’s hand. Just a small mistake, but I was confused as first when they said Meta Knight was holding the burlap sack, and I thought the firecrackers were still on the floor. Looking back, you did say bag of explosives... Guess I read over it. Whoops.
/Don’t worry Carter... no one knows how Meta Knight does stuff like that. You just don’t question it./
“Why are building all these weapons? I know damn well that Queen Amelia plans to stay neutral. Her decision is as good as Dedede's at this point. Why the hell are we making all these weapons if we've got no fucking army to give them to!?" Aha. :D So he’s wondering that too. Again, I’d assume they’re shipping to other nations (possibly even both rivaling sides, in their continued attempt to stay neutral [not that that ever works]). But of course, there’s more to it.
I’m genuinely surprised that he fired Carter and not Handel at first. Carter seemed like the smarter one, and in addition Handel directly pointed out the issue with a neutral nation forging weapons on an enormous scale. Unless it’s because Carter was smarter... Heh, hope I’m not overanalyzing again xD
The head of Dreamland's Department of Labor and Workforce, huh? Ha, now I know your job, Meta Knight! At least what he chooses to call it. Knowing Meta Knight, he probably has fingers in other pies too.
Blurp, prepare for attack!
“And, we both forgot to put it in the lockbox” - more commas after ands. Feel free to tell me if this is stylistic or not.
Y’know, we get a remarkable amount of characterization between Handle and Carter in these scenes. I mean, a strange amount for them to have no more to do with the story after this chapter, which makes me think they’ll show up again... Especially since you continue their argument after Meta Knight leaves. Personally, I wouldn’t mind if they showed up again after this chapter. Generally OC’s in fanfiction completely suck - no getting around that fact - but Handel and Carter are very human... err, pardon the species inaccuracy, but you know what I mean. Realistic.
Whoa, Handel knows Meta Knight? Crap, I didn’t get that impression before - I mean aside from having met him before, but that’s not exactly what I mean. Then again, I don’t have a certain idea of how long he’s been working at the factory. Ha, his description of Meta Knight is pretty spot on. /He’s sees your soullll Carter/.
“and often and trouble expressing himself.” - had?
“Really, he just hates excuses, even if their true.” - they’re instead of their
“Handel lit his own, then his Carters” - his Carters? Wowow, he’s getting possessive. Haha, sorry, that was totally uncalled for. Also, ‘Carters,’ being possessive (huh, irony) ought to be ‘Carter’s.’
Aha. And now I see more about Handel and how he was affiliated with Meta Knight. Really, I ought to read all the way through these things before writing out questions which will be later answered. I like all my responses to be fresh though ;) Immediate reactions.
Bloop, also a side note - you pull off dialogue brilliantly. I mean, at first it was just Meta Knight in the beginning, but the more I read in with Carter and Handel the more I realize how accurately you mimc real dialogue. Seems a small thing, but it’s easily screwed up.
sdflkjasfjsdf *spazzes out* and Meta Knight is so damn spot on XD
And whoa Kirby’s name just jumped in here and now I’m scrambling to figure out what’s up with him... Only to figure out that Handel and his father may be taking care of Kirby, who is clearly young. And Dedede still hates him! XD Some things never change.
I find it very ironic that Handel previously stated that he was an honest guy and yet can’t tell Carter about Kirby - he doesn’t even openly say that he doesn’t want to talk about it, and instead says ‘it’s nothing.’
“I've heard some crazy stuff, and based off what I've heard from my dad, other foregemen” - forgemen I’m thinking is what you meant
“...us a violation." e repeated the reasoning, lowering his head onto the table.” - he
“The Leo paused a moment to think, picturing his father at home, alone, waiting at the dinner table with fork and knife in hand and a hard scowl set and growing on his face, Kirby running circles around him chanting 'Poya! Suika!'” - haha, okay, nothing wrong with this sentence but I couldn’t resist pointing it out again because it made me laugh.
THERE IS A KAWASAKI! Okay, as if Kirby’s antics didn’t tell me that this was going to have anime influences, I now know fo sho.
“Carter and Handel too busy to take notice of anyone watching them, failed” - insert comma after Handel
Also, you say in one sentence that Meta Knight’s eyes are yellow, and in the next sentence say they are green. Nice stalking, Meta Knight.
As you’re describing the design of Meta Knight’s office, I’m thinking ‘yep, to better stalk you with my dear!’
Well, this is easily the weirdest correction I’ve pointed out, but... “as well as the occasional plumbers crack” - plumber’s
“...he wanted a roost, one that allowed for a private and watchful view of all workers...” - aw, Meta Knight pointed it out himself that it’s all about stalking. :c You beat me to it, buddy...
Y’know, I might’ve said this before, but your story really feels much more like an original over fanfiction. Not only the style, but the general aura about it. In a good way: in fact the elements of your own ideas and those of Kirby’s mix so smoothly t
| DoceoPercepto chapter 1 . 12/2/2012
Bwahaa, just realized that in my review I mean 'Why DIDN"T you tell me." Pff, oh well.
Thanks for your shout out :D And you better reply to my review to I can check up on what's going on with this story :P [Thank god you're using Japanese names. Hated those English names, except Wolfwrath]
| DoceoPercepto chapter 2 . 12/2/2012
Holy shiat, why did you remind me you began this? Psh, as if it’s not my fault for not having checked back sooner... I apologize; I’ve been MIA on FFN and haven’t checked the fandom in ages. And I just casually check back to find this. Milord, do I wish I looked sooner. And you wrote it two months ago... Augh, excuse my lateness! Guh, let me get a decent review in here, and hope your two month delay in updating simply means that you’re writing the next chapter...
Oh, and remember how I was talking about needing depth of character as well as an engaging plot? Yeah, you nailed it. This is fantastic.
Firstly, the way you begin your story is brilliant. You successfully overcome the horrid Kirby FFN stereotype of beginning a story by describing Dreamland (something I made the mistake of once hehee) - or rather, describing your steampunk setting. Of course, reading about the steampunk setting would be much better than reading another description of Dreamland’s bright sunny days, but it’s still a bad way to begin a story. Instead, you pull the reader right into the story with a single sentence “Jacks was a very boring game.” Seems painfully simple, but it’s great for it. No one stops reading after a first simple sentence like that - instead, they continue, already curious about what’s going on and why the story would begin that way. (Ha, much in contrast to an initial paragraph detailing a setting, which tends to lose a lot of readers. /me included/)
And... maybe this is way overanalyzing, but in the first sentence (before we even know who is talking!) we already have an idea of what Marx’s personality is like - that is, he can be cynical. His very first sentence in the story is to criticize a game he’s playing. By starting off with by how unimpressed he is with Jacks, and his inner thoughts as he continues to play nonetheless, the reader already has a character structure in their mind for Marx: and as more of his cynicism is revealed later, the reader internally nods and thinks ‘yeah, that makes sense.’ Yeah, it /fits./ Again, another thing that many writers (FFN and otherwise) fail to do.
Plus, you give us an array of hints at his life and situation, like how he says “it was the same color red as his father’s bowtie, and Marx didn’t like that one bit.” You didn’t say “Marx disliked his father. They had a bad relationship.” No - you /show/ rather than /tell/. You don’t waste time on long explanations of exactly why and how they have a bad relationship; instead, you drop these hints and implications without fully describing. Which means if the reader wants to know, they have to read on :) Engaging, no? ;)
Guh, if I keep pointing out little details, this review will be longer than the chapter xD But basically those small details really bring everything more to life.
Your metaphors/similes are excellent too - such as his father’s study door reminding him of a captain’s cabin in a ship, because that brings to mind an imposing and not altogether friendly image. Something like a sailor about to face his superior after having done something wrong. At least, that was my impression with it.
At this point I also noted that your writing in general shows a good variety of vocabulary and sentence structure; both aspects lend to a wonderfully dynamic readability.
I don’t know how nitpicky you are, or if you plan to go back and correct minor errors/typoes. I’ll point them out anyway, though. Just because that’s what I do XD Not that I ever catch them all, even in my own stories, but... *shrug*
“A dark, greenish door mark the edge of the 'free' space, and the beginning of the 'forbidden zone.” There should be another apostrophe at the end of the ‘forbidden zone.
“His stared fixed on the door, knotty and wise with age.” His stared fixed?
(Heehee, he’s eleven! Only a little younger than Any Wish!Marx! :D)
Noticing that wherever it is he lives also has a startling amount of ignorance amongst its civilians, like Dreamland. It is such a fun idea to play with... not to mention some application to our own reality. This part reminds me a lot of Any Wish, actually... Of course, it’s reasonable to assume Marx is clever from Milky Way Wishes, but his specific desire to ah, “dissect the world around him.” I’m guessing you read Any Wish? X)
Anyway, I’m again struck by how easily you get the reader to slip into his mindset with your writing, but I’m going to stop talking about that since I’ll start being redundant. Just know it’s brilliant.
Also, I noticed this one wee sentence, “But, he knew his limits,” shortly after he asserts his... ah, ‘dislike’ of not knowing things. You don’t elaborate on that. In the first time reading this chapter, I thought it might apply to how there are limits that his father might place on him or something... But now I’m not so sure. Hmmm... It’s interesting. Makes me wonder what sort of limits he means... It’s such a contradiction to his previous statements, and yet there must be a reason behind it. Heehee, feel free to correct me if I’m overanalyzing again, but I’m wondering if that idea is going to show up again in the future. Limits.
(Slight note: I like how he doesn’t actually enter his father’s study. They talk through the door. Furthermore, without describing exactly how Marx’s father is talking, his tone comes across perfectly with his dialogue alone. It’s like I could hear his voice in my head.)
Aha, so he lives in Dreamland. Hmm, but we don’t know yet how large a space Dreamland encompasses... if it’s simply this town, or something bigger. Planets are nations, but Dreamland itself isn’t an entire planet. So a fraction of the nation Popstar, I’m guessing.
“Because of his, 'deviance', Marx didn't have many friends.” - The comma after ‘his’ is not necessary.
“His father's reputation proceed him” - proceeded
“'Chiyo', Marx's befriend, didn't exist.” - best friend?
“Funny, hilarious even. 'A gas.' He could balance on his ball, 'with one foot, even.'” - I don’t know if I just don’t get it or what, but... A gas? What does he mean?
Seventy-eight states of Popstar. Holy shiat Marx that’s a lot of memorizing xD So Dreamland is state or province maybe. And of all languages, he knows French. Is there some particular reason for it being that language, just out of curiosity? If French is maybe the secondary language in Dreamland or something...
Oh! Now that you’re describing his appearance, I forgot to add this earlier... I found it very interesting that his father has a /red/ bow tie... Marx doesn’t like his father much, yet later must get a red one (assuming you decide at some point to follow a Milky Way Wishes-esque scenario, or at least have him with a red bow tie). If so, interesting contrast. Noted also that his hat and bow tie are different colors than game-verse ;) Kewlkewl. Also his eyes. Don’t know if that’s a stylistic choice or something else though.
“"I'm likeable," he murmured, as if arguing with someone.” - Likable is spelled without the ‘e.’ Lul, I didn’t know that either until I looked it up just now.
It seems kinda abrupt when he whispers to himself that he isn’t crazy. Knowing Marx, the statement itself isn’t so startling. In this context, however, nothing has lead the reader to believe he has issues with being considered insane. Likable, yes - he certainly can have doubts about his likability, but crazy? Unless there is some reason he relates his appearance (and in turn, his inner personality) to craziness, and by seeing his appearance again the thought occurred to him. Such as how he says “other children weren’t too fond of them, though.” Again going a little Any Wish in that maybe they have called him crazy or something similar. It’ll be interesting to see where you go with that. (After re-reading this scene knowing what he does later to the vendor... In hindsight, it’s less abrupt because it seems like there’s a genuine reason for it. It’s simply a reason we haven’t learned yet, which is fine.)
Anyway, you have no idea how happy it makes me to see flashes of my headcanon of Marx showing up in little bursts. :) Just wanna make sure some things aren’t showing up without justification. Or, even, without the eloquence of your writing that shines through with your own original ideas.
“He didn't see the point in angsting in something that couldn't be changed, after all.” I smell hypocrisy, Marx! /They do say the worst lies you can tell are the ones you tell to yourself./
Ouch man. That vendor is a dick. Realistic, actually xD
Is Sasuke Amora an original character of yours?
So Ripple Star - err, Ripple, the nation(?) has a treaty with Holy Nightmare Empire... I’m assuming it had something to do with Ripple’s previous neutrality. And we see here that GSA is not doing so hot either, stretched tight with their own problems, unable to help defend Ripple. Mmm *squee* this is so awesome. An entirely new take on Kirbyverse with all these warring nations. So many aspects of each game. I love it :D
And Blade Knight is mentioned there too... Mmm *ponder*
(By the way, nice imitation of newspaper style of writing. Very accurate.)
He has a dandelion on the pouch? Inevitably I always hunt for symbols in stories, and wonder if this is one... Curious choice either way, seeing that dandelions are weeds and not a typical bright flower (though at the same time they’re also a plant kids love to play with xD).
“Marx tightened his grip, digging his teeth through pant leg and sock and into sordid flesh.” - Err, the guy’s flesh is sordid? Usually sordid means like... undesirable, contemptible... morally ‘dirty.’ Doesn't make much sense in this context.
Eeh, holy hell Marx can be vicious. Crazy indeed. And because of this scene, I’m guessing we’re nowhere near done with the ‘crazy’ concept - that there is some true reason he’s so sensitive about the word. To the point where he’s aiming to kill someone that said it. Actually, this makes me wonder if he’s done something li
| Lichylichy chapter 2 . 10/19/2012
...Dare I say it...I am astounded. Baffled. Flabbergasted. Amazed. Never have I seen such...such... such... spot on. Such... realistic writing.
| Lichylichy chapter 1 . 10/19/2012
Eheheh. How about flames? Are those awesome too?
| Nadelli chapter 2 . 10/19/2012
Poor Meta Knight, he seems in deep trouble.
| Dude13 chapter 3 . 10/18/2012
Hey i found your story in the ads forum! So is Katsu the same guy as marx's dad? You shouldve named him Carl X) I think this shows some prowess, but the second chapters a little too long for my tastes. maybe try breaking it up a more?
other than that I liked it a whole lot. your oc's weren't typicla ocs with powers and tragic pasts (at least i i hope not), for that I'm glad, and I think you used them to explain Meta Knight well. speaking of which, i'd want to see where you version of his past goes. usual demonbeat story? i'll check in for next chapter. Remember to break it up some though!