|Reviews for Old|
| Ambroisie-Seduisante chapter 1 . 1/22
Your short story gives great insight into the life of a superhero post-fame. Everyone loves a sexy, young superhero in his/her prime, but time is inevitable...
| TimmyTurnerFan chapter 1 . 3/16/2014
Wow, that was well written and well thought out. Poor ol' Batman. I mean I'm not that crazy about Batman, not like I'm into Superman, or even more-so, Underdog, that is, the classic 60s animated show, my mother started me on that cartoon when I was 7. I still enjoy him to this day.
Anyway, although I don't know if I prefer Bruce Wayne to Peter Parker. Do I like Batman or Spiderman more?
Well anyway, you're absolutely right, time can be a bigger foe than your worst enemy. I should have known even superheros are not immune to aging. In fact, looking for an excuse to use that song by 3 Doors Down, all superheros have a common Kryptonite, getting old.
I don't know if Batman should stay in his bat-cave for his safety, or get out of his dark, depressing , something and go out and enjoy the fresh air outside. Maybe play golf, feed the ducks but PLEASE NOT THE PIGEONS YUCK! (no rhyme intended), knit, tell children stories of his days as a hero.
I thought I'd read another one of your stories, but I like your Eat Your Vegetables story better.
| Circle of Phoenix chapter 1 . 2/2/2013
You're missing a proper disclaimer and credit tag. Your fragments are a bit over done in several parts, however they do get the job done by providing a personality to the writing.
On a scale of 1 to 10, I'll give this fic a go at 7.5 with another .5 for creativity. The total score is 8.0. Good job.
| Phalanx chapter 1 . 1/15/2013
This review is by request from the WA Story Review game. Be warned, because of that it's going to come across as being ultra-picky and harsh. Just imagine I'm the writer's worst case scenario reader and adjust my feedback accordingly.
Full disclaimer: I really liked the Batman Beyond series and subsequent the Justice League showings, but I have to say I really did not like this particular portrayal of Old!Bruce.
I'm going to start off by saying this piece is very well-written. The narration is easy to follow and cohesive, language excellent, spell-checked and such.
It is also very repetitive and alas, not in a good way. The gist of the entire thing? "I used to be THE Batman, now I'm old and useless!". Over and over, just repeated in different words. It got a bit tiring after a while.
Yes we know Bruce got bitter about his body no longer being in its prime and his company on the verge of takeover and the Bat Legacy forgotten. But there are parts of it here where it beyond 'bitter' and into the realm of 'arrogant and got his comeuppance'.
Example of those lines:
-"None could ever defeat Batman; none but humanity's most powerful and ancient foe: Time."
-"Undefeatable! He was the envy of cops, young boys and even heroes."
That's not very Batman to me. The thing special about Batman wasn't just that he had no superpowers, but his advantage was came in the form of preparation, intelligence and never taking his opponents lightly. He very rarely got arrogant and every time he did it came back and haunted him. Those lines really don't reflect that.
Also, I don't think Bruce was exactly wallowing in self-pity in Batman Beyond just because he got old. It was more about being him left alone with no one to continue his legacy. He'd alienated D. Grayson and Babs (whom he loved and left him eventually), and failed Tim in a very horrible way (see Return of the Joker). To some extent, he blamed both himself and the others for not continuing with the Bat-work.
So yeah, his angst was deeper than that. To pin it all on 'Old' seems a bit one-dimensional to me.
(Critical writer mode off)
I don't think the problem is really your writing, DW. Your technical writing skills are very good. I think it's more on the premise and execution of the one-shot. My opinion, anyway.
| Hockeygirl28 chapter 1 . 1/13/2013
Wow I love this great job
| Melodeia chapter 1 . 12/21/2012
I loved it. I can't find much wrong with this, apart from a repetition and a typo, and those aren't even worth mentioning.
Wonderfully written. Very evocative, very emotional, but without being melodramatic, it makes perfect sense to me. I really connected with the character in this one-shot, it was just sublime. I felt pity for him, I felt his anger, his frustration. The philosophical line at the end fit perfectly, it was just the perfect addition.
| Blue-Inked Frost chapter 1 . 11/24/2012
I think this is a good drabble/short fic. Its metaphor usage is consistent, and that makes the flow of the story seem smooth and united. I especially liked the repeat of "Old. Ancient. Useless." with the variation halfway through the story - it was subtle and it fit perfectly, twice. The variance in the structure of the sentences from long and flowing to the short, staccato lists of adjectives works well, providing good pacing. The last line is very good too, and true for all humans.
I know that this is what actually happens to Bruce in the Batman Beyond series, but I think the story succeeds in having resonance beyond that fandom because it is what will inevitably happen to any incarnation of Batman. He's the human who fights alongside the superheroes and is arguably the best of them all, because of his mind and his hard work and use of that human potential we all share in. He's good to read about for those reasons, and the tragedy is that his age will inevitably catch up. I also noticed that the Bruce in Batman Beyond, and in this fic, is a lonely and bitter old man: Batman adopted children as Robins and Batgirls and had several chances to form romantic relationships, such as in the universe where Helena Wayne was born to Selina and Bruce, but it seems they've all failed and left him alone. With how driven he is, it's turned him down a lonely path of avenging his parents and a lifelong obsession with crimefighting despite the brief glimpses of light on his path.
Good fic. :)
| kagome04 chapter 1 . 10/30/2012
this was so sad i imagine this to be exactly how bruce feels and u did a great job at capturing it! well done!
| Teen-Lyokofan7777 chapter 1 . 10/26/2012
I have little knowledge of Batman, but here I go:
The story was short, but great. The grammar I see no problems with, but the one thing that stood out was the quote in the middle. Would it be okay to expand on that? The “Useless…” seems a bit off. Is he calling himself useless or the audience?
Other than that, the one-shot is great.
| theshroomdude chapter 1 . 10/25/2012
Well hello there DW. Reviews and whatnot. I used to love watching this show, so I consider myself relatively comfortable with the fandom.
I liked the work, it really gave us all a nice peak into what Bruce's thoughts were. The only mechanical error that I could find was that there's an asterisk in the second paragraph for some reason. It wasn't in your 10 minute speed prompt version, so I'm not sure how it got there. Now, onto the story itself.
Your use of none in the last sentence, whilst technically correct, came about as a bit unnatural. It gave me an impression that it was meant to echo a villain's pre-mortem line ( e.g.: That's impossible! No mere human can defeat the Mole Man! ), roughly. The unnatural part is more in your use of none. It's a rather formal phrasing for a bitter Batman. I'd suggest a minor change, perhaps a synonym such as 'no one'.
No comments on the tiny little bits of dialogue. It works well.
"Now he can hardly walk two steps without his cane before inevitably falling unceremoniously on the ground." 'Could' or 'Couldn't' would be a less awkward than 'can' in this instance.
". . . falling unceremoniously on the ground." Falling 'to' the ground would probably be a better way of
stating this. Then again, it might not. In this line, I think there's some wiggle room and its debatable.
". . . that most heroes rely on." I can't come up with a proper synonym to suggest, but perhaps you might find one for 'heroes'. You used it in the preceding sentence, so it's a bit repetitive. And it should probably read 'relied' - sticking to the past tense.
"And now? He's forgotten. Old. Ancient." Again with sticking to the past tense, though this one is debatable. 'He's' can stand for either 'He is' or 'He has', but I don't see either working in context. 'He was' would work better if you were trying to be consistent with the tenses. On the other hand, 'He is' would work if you were going for a stylistic break from the past tense, but either would be less ambiguous than 'He's'.
"His head bowed in shame." This line doesn't quite fit with the rest of the paragraph. I'd probably stick it before or after "Useless...".
I just noticed the repetition of the first line. I like the parallelism, so good job on that.
Well, I've spent far more time than the ten minutes it took you to write this, so I'll wrap up my nitpicking. Over all, good job. I liked the imagery, especially in the latter half of the second paragraph, but it was all pretty solid. As with all my reviews, feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
| spikala chapter 1 . 10/25/2012
For a change, I AM familiar with the fandom. Huzzah!
I didn’t get much of a disjointed feeling from reading this, at least not as much as you seem to be getting. As for suggestions though, you seem to have one paragraph that details his old abilities and another that details his present day frustration. Perhaps if you shifted the sentence about his cane to the second paragraph it would convey more of a nostalgic, lost in the past, sensation.
“And now? He's forgotten. Old. Ancient.” – I’d change this bit up, maybe break it off from the preceding paragraph. “Now he’s old. A dusty relic of days gone by. Forgotten.”
This part “They used to say Batman’s strength…” felt a bit out of character. Batman has never based his self-worth on what other people thought of him (except his parents), so I would rephrase it.
This may just be my personal preference, but I think that the last line would have more punch as a standalone.
In terms of small nitpicks:
“contents*” - why the asterisk?
Your remark about a surrogate made me curious, is this story set around the Batman Beyond timeline?
As a whole I think you did a great job exploring Bruce’s frustration at his body’s failure. His anger at his helplessness came across so vividly. That last line was brilliant!
Hope this helps!
| Purple Majestic chapter 1 . 10/25/2012
This is a very deep story. I really like the idea of time defeating batman.