|Reviews for The Best Altered State Orgasm Luna Lovegood Has Ever Experienced|
| PeaceMommy chapter 1 . 3/26/2013
I think you have a lot of potential with this one. I like the concept and how you played the plot out. That being said, there are a few things that should be addressed for a revised edition.
You should definitely look into getting a beta. The grammar of the story makes it hard to follow and kind of dampers the mood.
I'm all for OOCness, and am not opposed to things happening in the story that probably wouldn't in "real life". They're not mentioned in the books, obviously, but I can see how drugs could end up in the wizarding world, seeing as it's post-war and Voldemort is gone.
As everyone else pointed out too, Luna's mother is dead, so be sure and do a little research next time.
I definitely liked it, just reminds me of a rough draft that could use some editing. (: Happy writing! Keep up the good work!
| xoxocullenluverxoxo chapter 1 . 2/20/2013
Wow Umm I couldn't even read past the first couple paragraphs. I would highly suggest getting someone to beta this and then reposting. Focus mainly on sentence formation, grammar, phrasing, and not using "text lingo"
| Guest chapter 1 . 2/18/2013
To put this lightly, how old are you? No offense but you seem like a little kid with a big vocabulary and a 17 year old brother.
| Guest chapter 1 . 10/26/2012
Well, seeing as I've read this, it'd be criminal not to give some...advice. Keep in mind that these are suggestions and are not to be taken personally, as they may come off sharp.
You use exclamation marks a little too much, sometimes in places where they are not necessary. This is smut so there's bound to be a little (keyword litte) OOCness, but I don't see Luna exhibiting /any/ of the traits we know her for. She could be replaced with Ginny and it would make more sense. Also, the characters do act a little...infantile.
It also sounds like it could make more sense in the Muggle world. I've never heard of Wizards taking drugs, so I suppose that the equivalent of that in the Wizarding community would be some kind of potion or a strong drink(?).
The story would flow better if the lines of dialogue were separated from each other. And if there was a little more correct grammar/punctuation/spelling.
I like the general idea of everything being not all good even after LV died, and I absolutely adore Druna. On the other hand, the issues of rape, abuse and alcoholism here are handled quite...umm...lightly.
(also Luna's mother died when she was little)
I think you could benefit a lot from finding a beta. Maybe look over your next story before you post it, hmm?
| The Original Horcrux chapter 1 . 10/26/2012
Okay, as smut goes, it was good and I liked the very different idea of Rolf and Luna not being in love, but the capital letters on the emphasis really made it a choppy read and there were many places whine you should've taken a new line for speech. There were just a few things that I noticed throughout.
- "because her mother and his mother said it'd be 'So CUTE'" - Luna's mother died when she was nine which is how she can see thestrals
- it's alcohol not alcohal
- Wizards don't deal in marijuana and they most definitely wouldn't call it weed, as that's the street name for it.
- it's Clit, not slit.
Anyway, this was an alright read, great job!