|Reviews for Watch Out for the Death Watch!|
| impoeia chapter 2 . 5/30/2013
This was a really nice story to read. I'd like to see more of Vargus and his guys; he's an interesting character and Dom and Tari are like two siblings, always squabbling a bit. I love that bit at the end about the meanings of different colors and I think you totally nailed it. A lust for life and duty; that just sums up not just Vargus and his men, but I think most of the clones. And it explains why he likes green so much, it just suits him.
The scene where Vargus takes out the two Death Watch guys was really intriguing. You really nailed that moment of targeting and shooting; that quiet, stillness, that moment where really nothing exists and your entire awareness tunnels down to this one thing. This was a very life-like scenario.
And I have to agree with Vargus. Why did Kenobi have such trouble with these Death Watch fools. Answer: He didn't have awesome troopers with him.
Great fic! I really enjoyed this read.
| impoeia chapter 1 . 5/30/2013
I love this storyline. The TCW series never did focus much on the bomb squad, though that is such an important aspect of war and I think it's great that you are exploring the aftermath of uncovering and clearing an enemy base. Another thing the series keeps neglecting. Just because you find a base, doesn't mean that fight is over and done with. Things aren't that neat in war.
That being said, I am really enjoying the dynamic of the squad. Why is it that the guys with the most dangerous jobs have the best sense of humor? "Dom shrugged. "I prefer to think of it more as a handy warning for friendly forces: if the bomb boys are running—do your best to keep up." What an absolutely fantastic line and way to point out something I've never quite understood, why give men under constant threat of being shot at such a noticeable color scheme?
Great job in including the Death Watch in this. They are sneaky and you really caught that. I wonder what their next step will be. Also, loving all this inclusion of different trooper types and how they work together. Now that's a well rounded picture.
Plus, this story is just so wonderfully written.
| Greymon Leader Batx flashpoint chapter 1 . 12/3/2012
like this fic.
| affTwill chapter 1 . 10/31/2012
Alright, well honestly this was pretty damn good, so I don't know how much I can give you, but I'll try. Also just out of curiosity, where are you from? You use the British spellings for some words.
Overall your storytelling and writing are fundamentally pretty strong. Your descriptions are thorough but not too much. I will say that you might want to watch your adverb use though. You want to have as few as possible, and in some places they weren't necessary. You should try and eliminate any words that you can to tighten up your story and have it read better.
"Vargus prompted, his stomach slowly sinking." here's an example of what I was talking about. There's no reason to have have slowly in there. It doesn't add anything, so might as well ax it.
One odd thing that I noticed was that through the first half of your story you use colons where there should be semicolons, but the last half you use semicolons. Here's a few that I picked out before just deciding to tell you to look for colons. Ctrlf it, I didn't see anywhere that needed a colon.
"Vargus didn't blame him:"
"It was immediately obvious what had caused it:"
The biggest detriment to your writing I'd say is probably grammar. There were quite a few sentence errors throughout (comma splice, run ons) that I found, and I'm sure I missed a number of them as well. I also skipped commenting ones that I wasn't sure if it was wrong or not. Here's a few of the ones I noticed though.
"Finally they were at the top, the camp stretched out before them, small buildings huddled together in a round crater." comma splice
"He took off at an easy lope down the path and the other two fell in behind him." run on
"Flames spluttered faintly against the damp ground cover but from the look of the blackened surrounds, the fire had died back since the initial impact." run on
"Even though he knew Dom couldn't see it, Vargus couldn't help himself, he fixed the other clone with his iciest glare." comma splice
"He'd read the mission report and the Mandalorian fanatics hadn't struck him as the type to run from a fight." run on
"Dom ducked down and Falco threw himself over the injured Mandalorian." run on
So just be careful when you're proofing your work, or if you have access to MS office, maybe try out its grammar check feature. While it's not perfect, it can sometimes catch some of the more obvious stuff. Apart from that, there were just a few other typos I noticed.
"His own amour sported tasteful swathes of pale green." armor
"Falco paused, waiting..." redundant
"Does anyone else think it is strange we encountered a Death Watch scout on a moon is supposed to be secure?" missing a word or something
So, I hope what little I could offer was helpful. You characters were well written for the most part, and the story was paced well. You had good dialogue and banter between the characters. You'll have to find a better writer than me if you want more than that. Nice work, keep it up!
| laloga chapter 1 . 10/30/2012
So, I have no clue about that book, or anything LEGO-related, but I enjoyed this fic! :) First of all, great job with the clones, especially Vargus. I definitely got the sense that this non-mission (:P) was something of a chore for him, but he was nevertheless committed to making sure that it was a success. Loved his no-nonsense attitude, though he certainly cared about what happened to his men. Him shutting off his mic so that he could "cuss eloquently" was a great touch - and a fantastic line. :)
I enjoyed seeing the team work together; they seemed like they got along well enough to pull off a mission like this, even with a few mistakes. They felt like very "standard" clones, in a good way: a bunch of capable soldiers on a mission, doing the best they can. They were the perfect group for a mission like this, a good mix of experienced men like Vargus and more inexperienced guys like Tari.
One thing that I noticed was this: *Vargus fixed the other clone with his iciest glare.* But he was wearing his helmet, yes? If that's the case, it might be good to mention something like "...even though he knew the other clone wouldn't see it, he couldn't help but fix Dom with his iciest glare." One thing I've learned from writing these guys is to pay close attention to whose got his bucket on, because that really affects how they interact. It is a huge pain to keep track of, and I noticed it because it's something that I have to work on, constantly. :)
The "armorer" comment at the end confused me, but not for long, once I saw Vargus look it up. Green for duty, awesome! Wait...weren't the others wearing orange, though? [scratches head] (I know that orange represents a "lust for life," in Mando tradition. I have a friend who is in the Mandalorian Mercs, and her armor is orange for that reason.)
Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed this tale. Loved the clone action; it was a fun and exciting ride! :D Go spikala! :D
| timydamonkey chapter 1 . 10/28/2012
I’m not familiar with the fandom so I’m afraid I can’t comment on characterisation. On the story as a whole, however…
“Apparently, it wasn't good politics for Republic military ships to be seen in Mandalorian space, which is…” You’ve flipped tense here – was and is in the same sentence.
The voice is interesting. I’m not sure how true it is to the character, but I was a bit unsure at first when it sounded a little sarcastic, yet having read more you do keep that up consistently (not to an overbearing level either) so it works.
“this death trap of base” Is there a typo here? This doesn’t seem to make sense. Perhaps you mean ‘off’? Or maybe ‘of a base’?
You punctuate your speech correctly – doing it wrongly is one of my pet peeves, so it’s always good to see somebody get it right. Actually, the grammar as a whole seems pretty good to me. I’d probably use a few more commas in places (eg. “Green’s overrated, sir” as opposed to “Green’s overrated sir” – it’s mostly variants of this (with names and ranks) and they come up repeatedly so I won’t quote them all), but I seem to be a bit obsessed with using commas!
“stepped sides of the bowl” Not quite sure what you mean here.
“cussed eloquently” This seems contradictory to me – part of me thinks it fits the voice, contradictory or not, while the other part is shouting “but it doesn’t make sense!”, so jotting that reaction down here.
“It wasn't even complex enough to be called a mission for Forces sake!” Assuming you’re using Forces in the way you might use God’s, should it be Force’s? This is a case where not knowing the fandom makes it difficult for me to pinpoint if that’s an issue, so perhaps that’s one for you to think about.
“"Apparently nothing, unless your idea of a clue is a still-life drawing.” Quoting this as I really liked this line!
"take! take! take!" Given that you’re using exclamation marks, these should all be capitalised – “Take! Take! Take!”
“Beside him, he heard the bdapp-bdapp of Tari firing.” Another little moment that I liked (I love that sound of the gun – I can hear that.)
The story seems to work quite well as a whole, could just do with a bit of sharpening in the phrasing here and there. It’s quite light on description as a whole – which suits me, as I’m not a huge fan of excessive description, although I do wonder if perhaps some people might like a bit more at the start of one or two scenes. But I thought this was nice, said a lot without it feeling overstated:
“They reached the source of the smoke just as the sun reached its zenith against the moon's tiny horizon. It was immediately obvious what had caused it: the wreck of the speeder was mashed against a tree, barely recognisable. Flames spluttered faintly against the damp ground cover but from the look of the blackened surrounds, the fire had died back since the initial impact.”
So a good effort overall, says she with no knowledge of the fandom!
| Blue-Inked Frost chapter 1 . 10/28/2012
"The bomb squad clones were perfectly matching in their orange armour, the bulging white Republic packs they wore stood out like a sore thumb." - comma splice.
I did like the detail about the colour-customised armour. :)
"At ease Falco, I'm just giving you grief." - missed comma before 'Falco'
"Good work Falco." - another missed comma
"Vargus yawned, the warm sunlight against his face was making him a little drowsy." - comma splice
"With the Mando's in charge" - should not be a possessive
You don't need to have elaborate, distracting dividers every time some time passes in-story. Readers can tell from reading the next paragraph when there's a timeskip, and it doesn't seem necessary to have such truncated sections when they are very short and the point of view does not change. Have a look at some professionally published book and look at where timeskips come between paragraphs - for example:
"Help me to bed. I'm going to be ill," moaned Pittypat. "Oh,
Scarlett, how could you have brought this on me?"
Pittypat was ill and in her bed when Gerald arrived the next
(Gone With The Wind)
"the sun reached its zenith against the moon's tiny horizon" - so I take it they're on a moon? I don't think the story clarified this, since the first two sentences seemed to speak of Concordia as a 'planet'. Also, I don't think the horizon of the moon would look smaller than the horizon of the Earth; on Earth we don't see all the horizon either. A Google search seems to confirm this!
"He should've lost anyone on this mission!" - he may mean the opposite.
"for Forces sake" - apostrophe missing
"He switched his coms back on." I'm not sure about this in the fandom, but is it comms?
""Dom, check the wreck. Tari, scout back along the speeder's route. I want to know what happened here."
The two orange forms snapped into action. They probably guessed from his tone that now was not the right time for a smart remark."
They'd be pretty sociopathic if they didn't guess, given that they've seen a wreck of their comrade. (Black humour can be pretty common in people who regularly face emergency situations, but you didn't clarify what Vargus' attitude is to black humour.)
"In the flesh Falco" - commas around the name missing. Same with ""With Tari sir." and the "sirs" in general in talk that addresses them.
"As for Falco well," - needs comma before 'well', otherwise the sentence refers to the Falco well.
"being hard to find was in the man's job description now" - why is the 'now' necessary in the sentence?
"His shot had shattered the visor, apparently that wasn't blaster-resistant." - two separate sentences; need semicolon.
I liked how the fight scene showed the character thinking of the best shot to take.
"I think you're being a bit optimistic trooper." Another missed comma. There were a few more below this that I didn't list.
"The thorn bush might hide white armour but bright orange would be pushing it." - Hmm, would there really be so much of a difference?
I liked how the ending called back to the armour colour and its meaning.
This mission didn't seem to have any long-term consequences or too much influence on major canon events; rooting a story more deeply can give it more resonance. A bit more description of characters, personalities, and politics might have also added to the story, though being fanfic there isn't as much need to give detailed descriptions. The fic felt very day-in-the-life. I often like reading fanfics about minor characters in the source material, so stories from the point of view of minor soldiers are interesting to me. :)