Reviews for Desire
Book-AddictFF chapter 1 . 5/6/2013
This is so good! You should make this longer.
REBD chapter 1 . 2/24/2013
who has him? :1
Melodeia chapter 1 . 12/21/2012
Ok, now this was hot. Nicely done, evocative, lovely visuals. I liked the predator-prey game. The only thing I'd change about the ritual, would be the tense. I think present tense would make the reader connect with the POV character more, feel like they're going after a man right alongside this vixen.

I think you did very well with the amount of descriptions, you've certainly painted an exquisite picture of the lady's lust and the effect it had on her.

I've got a handful of suggestions, if it's ok with you.

I stared at him from across the room. My blood ran hot and I began to tingle. - I'd have said "my skin began to tingle", it sounds...different.

Long, ebon hair. - ebony hair

I licked my lips hungrily. - I know you can do better than "hungrily", you're damn brilliant. Hungrily is just not a sexy word. If I may offer some suggestions: she could lick her lips slowly, her body filled with desire, or she can bite her lower lip (and most men - and women, I think - would find THAT gesture VERY sexy; not to mention it signals interest and sexual availability). You could also add that first moment when they lock their eyes, the sparkle, like electricity. They'd both be smiling, in flirt.

Dick looked up from his company, his friendly eyes searching mine for answers. - Ditch the "friendly", please please please. It kills the sexy, sensual mood.

Suddenly aware I was salivating, I swallowed before inviting him to a private party. - A suggested rephrasing: "my mouth was watering" - something like that.

I waited patiently for him to recompose himself before I asked for his reply. - I think "impatiently" would work better, she's supposed to be all hot for him.

No! I can't lose him jumping the gun. I have to wait until we're in my hotel. - I dunno, some guys wouldn't mind a bit of action in a bathroom stall or parking lot, in a car. But if he's not that kind of guy, then she might want to drag him to the hotel room, because she wants to extend this foreplay, to play with him some more, to tease. She's denying herself what she wants, what she needs, to make it even better when she finally gets it.

Think of opening presents, if you want. You have opened all but one. You're all excited about it, you want to know what's inside, but you like this feeling, you want to keep it alive for a bit more, let the suspense built, your excitement grow. And then you rip the heck outta that wrapping, lol.
Blue-Inked Frost chapter 1 . 11/2/2012
Well-written overall - short and no mechanical errors that jumped out at me. "Only the stallion before me, blushing at a point somewhere near my legs" - I thought this could've been phrased more clearly; the way I first imagined this was Dick lying on the floor and blushing while prone there. A sentence more of the protagonist explaining that Dick was looking down, since in the previous paragraph his eyes are looking at the protagonist's, would've helped.

I didn't know who the protagonist was though I'm familiar with the fandom, and I thought it would've been good to have it specified. My hypothesis was definitely 'delusional OC fan' rather than canon character, though.

"His eyes, a steely blue. Long, ebon hair." - very romance-novel.

"I was going to have me some Dick tonight!" Yeargh, tacky punning! (Yeargh to the character, not you.)

"My lust radiated from my body like a flame, threatening to lick innocent bystanders with its burning passion." - More romance-novel melodrama, heh.

"his friendly eyes searching mine for answers" - 'Friendly' seems an underdone description compared to all that radiation and burning passion! Maybe perfect eyes, flawless eyes, blue-fire eyes alight with lust?

I thought you captured the impression of an obsessive protagonist who constructs a version of Mr Grayson inside their head that may have very little in common with the real person, calling him 'stallion' instead of a human and sounding very romance-novel like. I figure the protagonist is meant to be female due to the romance-novel stereotypes, but the story never specified.

"Um…yeah, I guess." - And this made me wonder if Grayson is agreeing to go with the protagonist for the sake of a mission...or is going to become the target of an obsessive stalker.

As I said, I thought it'd be better if it was clear that the OC character is an OC; and/or that something odd is going on. But as I said, well written. :)
Crescent Blue chapter 1 . 11/2/2012
'I stared at him from across the room. My blood ran hot and I began to tingle. Those muscles. My heart fluttered. His eyes, a steely blue. Long, ebon hair. I licked my lips hungrily. His face was so beautiful, but when it lit in a smile, it hit me like a freight train. I was going to have me some Dick tonight!'

'My lust radiated from my body like a flame, threatening to lick innocent bystanders with its burning passion. I could hardly contain myself as I ghosted toward him. My world existed solely on the other side of the bar. Simply nothing else existed. Not even the ground I walked upon.'

I really love how your wording makes the reader feel as if they're the ones lusting for Dick Greyson as well. Brilliant way of bringing putting an audience into the character's shoes.

'Dick looked up from his company, his friendly eyes searching mine for answers.'

'Suddenly aware I was salivating, I swallowed before inviting him to a private party. Noise erupted to my left, but the others at Dick's table didn't interest me. Only the stallion before me, blushing at a point somewhere near my legs, held my attention. I waited patiently for him to recompose himself before I asked for his reply.'

There's nothing better than first person suspense! I feel her anxiousness as she awaits his response.

'Suddenly aware I was salivating, I swallowed before inviting him to a private party. Noise erupted to my left, but the others at Dick's table didn't interest me. Only the stallion before me, blushing at a point somewhere near my legs, held my attention. I waited patiently for him to recompose himself before I asked for his reply.'

"Um…yeah, I guess."

I felt quite happy at his agreement to acknowledge this woman and you can feel her upcoming joy as well.

'My heart leapt and I rocked forward, nearly doing the same. No! I can't lose him jumping the gun. I have to wait until we're in my hotel. In my bed. I held his gaze as we left for his car. Oh Dick, the things I'm going to do to you tonight!'

A minor misspelling here. It should be "leaped" not "leapt". I found it rather amusing at this woman's eagerness and her swiftly forcing herself to rein in her happiness.

All in all, I found this story to be very sensual and gripping. I really enjoyed being put into the character's shoes to experience their feelings as well.

Do keep writing!