Reviews for Kidnapped Love
davidahare chapter 16 . 3/5/2014
I wish that there would have been more on Cleo's and Lewis's return. I can't wait for the sequel to come out.
Guest chapter 17 . 1/24/2014
named4ghoti chapter 17 . 12/30/2013
I'm glad to here you've began revisions. While your story idea is sweet, the writing itself is a mess and difficult to read and follow most times. I felt like there was something lacking, a solid foundation. For the most part your work on the characters is good, dialog seems befitting for who they are. What I really missed was a strong established setting, there was either no descriptions, vague descriptions, or entirely inaccurate descriptions of your setting. I also think your story would benefit from a few plot loophole revisions and if you researched a bit about the U.S.A. before taking Cleo and your audience there.

First, I'd like you to think about your beginning and putting more emphasis on why Cleo doesn't immediately take off to get Lewis back. There should be more attention drawn to Cleo stocking up on money and supplies if you're keeping Cleo in Golden Country before letting her swim off to the U.S.A. When you skip this it makes it look like Cleo lacks motivation and she might as well stay at home and maybe raise an uproar to her friends about Lewis disappearing. I won't go into this much more, but I hope you're considering it because I think it would benefit this story tremendously.

I know writing about another country is difficult, have you ever been to the U.S.A? Everything about what you wrote was incorrect, it left me very confused or I laughed about how horribly implausible it was, and I don't believe you intended for it. I highly stress researching North America and as much as you can. Boston is not a good location. Cleo's journey would take her across the Pacific Ocean and then what? Somehow manage to slip through airport security without an I.D. or passport that's acceptable; or swim through the Panama Canal to get to Boston because that city is on the Atlantic Ocean. Think about how is she getting into the country, not the swimming there, but into the states. I recommend you stick to the states that are on the Pacific Ocean, probably Oregon they have good marine life laboratories and the coast as a good number of sea caves and beaches with giant sand dunes. There's also California, which is the typical go-to state everyone writes about; Washington has the world's longest beach; and there's Alaska.

Doing a little bit of research will help your setting immensely, and establish a stronger setting in which Cleo has to figure out how to navigate through this new country to her. You have to keep in mind, different country, different culture. Not everyone Cleo encounters in the U.S. will be friendly enough to help her (the bigger the city, the more likely that someone Cleo approaches will not take a minute to answer her question), they might even think she sounds funny due to her accent. Keep in mind the time of the year your having this journey take place and which hemisphere you're in. June is summer in the U.S. not winter.

The setting is important, it gives the reader guidelines to imagine what places look like and where you've taken the readers. When writing the setting that is familiar from the show it is the only time you can be vague about descriptions. People reading this would already be familiar with the setting of Cleo's room and the cafe for example, and all you need is just a few reminders on distinguishing characteristics of the particular places. But when bringing in new locations, then you need to include more descriptions and sensations about the new setting, because this is not a location your readers are familiar with. Sometimes people are fine with nonexistent descriptions about new setting but this is a huge turn-off most readers if they don't have cues or guidelines to imagine this new setting from.

I think your story has lots of more potential, it has a good idea and I see your effort. There's potential in funny encounters with Cleo trying to exchange currency, maybe getting lost in the city, even her initial thoughts about what the city and people look like. I think if you put some more thought and focus into establishing the setting will help with conveying this tale.

One last comment, please pick a point of view and stick with it.
Hayashi Mikako chapter 17 . 12/18/2013
You used the wrong "its". "With such fragile shells, IT'S only too easy to break a few hearts."

"She pretended not to hear him, though it would have been impossible." This sentence doesn't flow, it's awkward and jerky.

Hey, hey. Happy endings are OVERRATED. Come on, can't you try leaving the reader in tears sometime? If you start of sad, end it sad! A happy ending will ruin the mood. At least aim for a bittersweet one, ne? Where Cleo manages to accomplish her goal, dies in the process, yet vanishes from this word with a smile still etched onto her consistently-beaming face?


But anyway, PM me back if you want XD I feel like we would be friends if we met in real life...

So, see ya around!


Wow, I'm so weird.
Hayashi Mikako chapter 16 . 12/18/2013
Haha... I seriously recommend that you watch Lucky Star or Acchi Kocchi or something like that. You are sooo that type of person. But anyway, good job! I'll be waiting for your sequel!

Hayashi Mikako chapter 15 . 12/18/2013

About the last sentence, though... Well, that's a nice closing. I suppose. For a chapter, but not an entire story. Ready to read the epilogue XD
Hayashi Mikako chapter 14 . 12/18/2013

And intense? Not at all. Bad ending, too. Oh well, it's not like I can make you change your story or anything.

And do they really do that in America, with the missing persons thing? That's so weird, yet cool... I'm a bit of a sadist, lol

Seriously, though, try working on your transitions. That's also something I've had trouble with too. It's so hard to do a proper ending or beginning sentence! However, I tell you this: The first and last sentences are the ones that etch themselves deep into the reader's mind. The first sentence is the one that draws them in. It gives them a basic impression of the entire story, or chapter at least. The first sentence must be perfect. The last sentence is the one that they take away with them. It becomes what they remember of this story. The last sentence must be perfect.

I remember my friend used to edit my stories and tell me how TERRIBLE my first and last sentences were. It was really, really sad.

—Just read your profile and realize that you're older than me even though you say you're young. I have health classes too, but they show, um... real footage. DX—

So anyway. Good job, ne? If you're rewriting this, I'd love to read it. You've totally sucked me in. Great plotline XD

Hayashi Mikako chapter 13 . 12/18/2013
That's a bit more like it. The whole hurt the guard thing was pretty in-character for Cleo. Good job XD

Hmmm... this was an original, if not unrealistic chapter.

Hayashi Mikako chapter 12 . 12/18/2013
Why do you capitalize the "he said" after every dialogue?"




This plot... is a bit too... predictable, ne? I'm just saying. It's long, which is good, but you don't want to make it too confusing. Also, Rikki, Emma and Bella are very OOC. (Well, look at me. I really shouldn't talk. I'm also very bad at making my characters IC. Here's what I do, I just try to imagine what the actual character would do in the situation, not what I want them to do. Try that, it really helps XD)

Cleo is a bit OOC too. There's a saying for fanfiction writers what goes, "KILL YOUR BABIES!" I know, it's so weird, right? It means that you need to drop what you want to do in order to make the characters IC. I think you're putting Cleo and Lewis too OOC for the sake of your Sweet Clewis... I mean, seriously, this chapter? Why do you even HAVE this chapter? It's a good chapter on its own, maybe as a oneshot, but it contributes NOTHING to the progression of this story! Well, maybe the beginning did, but the flashback had nothing to do with the plotline you'd set up. Sometimes that's good, but this just bored me. I wanted to see what would happen next, and you didn't give that.

This story started out as an Action/Adventure, so don't make it a Romance/Fluff. With the "sweetness" in this flashback, you ruined the wonderful suspenseful and a bit depressing mood that you spent ELEVEN CHAPTERS setting up!

You're good at actions. Better than me, definitely, LOL. But... about the "grim despair," it's certainly not even close to grim despair. You simply wrote that they cried themselves to sleep (chapter 4), but you didn't say ANYTHING about how they felt. How their heart had left with Cleo. How their inner selves shattered. How they didn't know if they could live their lives anymore without her.

You didn't mention any of that.

I'm sorry that this review isn't the typical, "Oooh, this story is amazing, keep going, I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!" review, which might have been what you were expecting. I hate those kind of reviews, though. If they loved your story so much, maybe they'd give you ideas on how to keep going or improve! And most only tend to judge on, "OMFG CLEWIS IS MY OTP I LOVE THIS STORY!" or something like that. Ah, I'm getting off-topic.

Anyway, I don't really see the point in this chapter... Well, the story itself is not too bad. You might see me review on some of your other chapters giving you tips. XD

Krystalslazz chapter 16 . 12/17/2013
I loved reading this story :-) A great plotline of adventure, friendship and romance. I really enjoyed reading this beautifully written work. (P.s thnx for reading and reviewing my stories :P)
Guest chapter 14 . 9/11/2013
What happend to blue light
Pumpkin-love33 chapter 15 . 8/25/2013
Update Again soon! :D
YaleAceBella12 chapter 15 . 8/25/2013
Please write more...
Pumpkin-love33 chapter 14 . 7/30/2013
Update soon!
Blue Bisexual chapter 14 . 7/25/2013
please make more
50 | Page 1 2 3 .. Last Next »