Reviews for Deception
FallingDominos chapter 1 . 8/24/2013
0o0 OMG! This is totally awesome! Keep up the great work!
Mina Arellano chapter 3 . 4/6/2013
Oh mi gawd I cried when I read this I love it ! Plz update sooon
Hikawa Kajinendo chapter 3 . 4/2/2013
Oh goddammit I can't help but feel like something's about to go wrong, very very wrong. I mean, this chapter was great, so full of feels I'm squeeing like crazy here. But every damn time I see/hear those words "Everything was going to be alright" especially in this kind of setting, I get the feeling that they're gonna be put through hell and back to earn the happiness they want... and not with a 100% chance of success either. God damn, I can't wait for the next chapter... so anxious!

Hikawa Kajinendo (Tense Author)
meow chapter 3 . 1/19/2013
really like this 3
SoulBlack chapter 3 . 1/18/2013
Took your time to update! Not a bad thing, I guess.
I like how you're spacing things and not rushing everything. The pace at which you're developing the characters and story is just fine, not too slow, but not too fast. Props!
And I'm guessing we are to hear Otonashi's story next? Just guessing.
Either way, I am still loving this story so far. Keep up the good work!
StormyMonday chapter 3 . 1/18/2013
Yay you updated! :D

So yeah, there were some issues/typos in the first few paragraphs, but it seems once you established a rhythm these were contained to the very beginning.

This was a really great chapter! The forest, the cave, and the mention of wild animals were definitely nice touches that added a lot of atmosphere (literally and figuratively) to the story.

It was emotional and intense when Hinata and Yui finally started talking. I don't blame her a bit for feeling like he was pitying her. It's really a difficult thing to deal with, especially when it comes from someone close to you. (When strangers do it it's much easier to dismiss.) But then they worked it out, and had a genuinely fluffy moment which was just fantastic! :D

Also, I loved that Kanade was no-nonsense and hardcore toward Naoi. Maybe she doesn't necessarily have a plan right now, but I was thrilled that she didn't have a problem with treating him as a prisoner, a dangerous one at that.

Over all, I enjoyed this so much. Your dialogue and characterizations are spot on (I feel so British when I say that :P), and the flashbacks were lovely. I'm actually wondering what happened to the kitten. :-S
Surrealistic chapter 3 . 1/18/2013

that was a sweet chapter, bit of angst but it was great. not that crappy la, have some faith in urself.
SoulBlack chapter 1 . 11/30/2012
Very nice settings. I usually don't like AU fiction, but I decided to give this a shot and in only two chapters you've gotten me hooked.
Great grammar and virtually not any ortographic errors, this makes it all further better.

Hope you keep thie good work up.
Tune4Toons chapter 1 . 11/29/2012
Hi! I'm here from Reviews Lounge Too, a community dedicated to reviewing and promoting under reviewed works, and a member of ours recommended your story. Just as a little disclaimer, I'm not familiar with Angel Beats, but that won't be a handicap. You definitely have a nice character here, a conflicted soldier; I like Hinata, actually. Among the seriousness, I like how you had some cute-funny moments too, like:



"Damn it, Otonashi!" Hinata hissed in irritation. "Fine, looks like I'm on my own tonight."]

I like how different each character is from each other. Yui and Hinata in particular have this unique dynamic where Yui's got the young arrogance to her with him. I also find it interesting how a lot of your descriptions of people are mainly associated with their hair and eye colours. But what about their clothes? Posture? Height (short or tall)? More to appearances than just hair and eyes, hm? Though the girl in the wheelchair was a nice touch. Cheers!

Edhla chapter 1 . 11/28/2012
As usual, the disclaimer: what I know about this fandom I could probably write on the back of a postage stamp, and still have room for the Lord's Prayer :D

This is really well written- clean and clear. You seem to know exactly what to say and what to leave out, and your dialogue stands out in particular.

Hinata's "I'm just a student" conversation could perhaps be cut down slightly, leave more to inference :)

I can only assume that odd hair and eye colour is a fandom thing :) It's interesting, but I did feel that it kind of got in the way of the storytelling somewhere in the middle. But then, I have issues with descriptions so don't take that as gospel :p

Ah, the word "shit" and nothing else occupying a single line of a fic says so much, doesn't it :D Nicely done.

I'm particularly fixating on your portrayal of Yui, as I have a significant physical disability (though I'm not in a wheelchair- at the moment, anyhow, though I did spend nearly a year in one when I was in my teens.) I don't think you've done anything wrong- especially since her portrayal may well be canon- but I'd be wary of trying to portray her as too bitter or angry or "trying to prove herself"- pretty much all the disabled people I know are more likely to have an "Oh this chair? Forgot about that, d'oh" reaction rather than angrily try to prove themselves. As a result, people they know tend to "forget about it" too, in a way. Hinata's pity and "it wouldn't be fair" would definitely grate on the disabled person it was directed at, though.

But your mileage may vary on that one ;) Just from what I've seen and experienced myself. An FYI- "handicap" is considered offensive by some disabled people. The strictly PC term is "person with a disability", but I've never known said persons to get upset by "disabled people" or "especially with your disability", etc. "Handicap" or "handicapped" is generally a no, and (not that I can see you've ever used this) "cripple" and "crippled" is a HELL NO, unless you're going for historical accuracy :)

This is certainly an interesting start!
darkaccalia520 chapter 1 . 11/28/2012
Please know I have absolutely no fandom knowledge here. However, I really like how you start off. Your descriptions and introductions of the situation and the characters is really well done. I obviously cannot comment on OOC-ness, but I really like how Hinata is like an every man, if you will...just a regular guy who was in high school just a short time ago. I really love the concept of this war having to be fought by children; how sad that they're not the ones who started the war, but they're the ones who have to finish it. I really liked Yui as well, and I thought the dialogue between her and Hinata was well done. Yikes; the end was a little worrying. Will he go through with it? I certainly hope not! I can't wait to find out. Well done. :)

One tiny error: "Is it the killing?" The girl asked-"Is it the killing?" the girl asked
SkywardDiamond chapter 2 . 11/28/2012
So, Hinata is recognizing something in Otonashi which suggests that he wants to stay with the rebels? I’m guessing he’s not going to want to leave Kanade. Well that could certainly clash with Hinata’s desire to abandon the mission. He is right, though. They risk a lot by staying. [of course none of that matters when the events of the chapter unfold].
"Why are you here," she said slowly, "when you are supposed to be working against us?"
Otonashi froze.
Oh dang, that surprised me, hehe.
“ Apologize to her, Otonashi had prodded. Apologize. Easier said than done.”
I was confused as to which parts of this are supposed to be a direct thought, or like a narration type thought. The 2nd “Apologize” is the only thing in italics, but the rest sounds like a direct thought. I wasn’t sure.
“You…don't need to fight in order to prove your existence, Yui."
Oh, this line is striking and wonderful!
“Reality hurt enough without the existence of false hope.”
Another line I really liked.
There's some minor errors, such as 'How her parents were like,' I would say "What her parents were like."
Hinata’s visualization of the two of them sitting together by the fire and “married” is so cute, I love that.
"I won't be able to…give you kids.”
Couldn’t she? I don’t know how these things work if someone is disabled in such a way…
I like the spontaneity mixed with humor. Yes, it’s rushed, but it works because the characters are reacting in the right ways. They’re like, “What am I doing? I dunno but I feel like I’m on a cloud D”
“Yui jerked her head up. "The siren…we're being under attacked!’
I do this kinda thing all the time where I write a sentence once, decide I want to reword, retype it and then leave one of the previous words there (that shouldn’t be there)
I liked that Hinata’s thoughts on why Yui isn’t cut out to be a soldier came right before he said, “Forget it." He wants to protect her, and it’s cute.
Wow what an ending! I wonder if someone got shot.
I might consider revising the head-jump from Yui to Naoi. I’m not sure if seeing things from his POV for that paragraph really helps things out. He would seem more threatening if we didn’t see his thoughts. It would probably be best to stick to Yui’s POV at the end. It already jumped from Hinata to her, and that’s something to keep in mind, as it can be jarring to readers. Head-jumping is one thing I’m working to edit out of my earlier chapters because I didn’t become aware of the problem until later! It’s good to keep things from one character’s perspective, but there are exceptions and ways to make head-jumps work. Not saying it shouldn’t be done at all.
Anyway, I really like this story and the characters. Your writing is strong as well, I like! Hope you’re working on the next chapter! Don’t worry about things going in a direction you didn’t plan. If it works, right? Plus if you have a vague idea of what you want to happen, nothing wrong with letting the story flow. That’s how I write every chapter of mine. Vague idea, then let the events write themselves. Good luck!
Guest chapter 2 . 11/27/2012
Great chapter! Loving the interaction between Yui and Hinata already as I'm glad to see Hinata would be willing to marry Yui even though she cannot walk (and therefore cannot reproduce). Hopefully the duo makes it out of the battlefield alive before getting sniped! No grammar mistakes were spotted so excellent work with that! I cannot wait to see where this story goes from here so I'll wait for an update!
Verran chapter 2 . 11/27/2012
This is happening so fast! Hinata is offering to marry Yui, and then within minutes he is congratulated by his own side for deceiving her but he discovers he's truly in love!
But then I scanned through a couple of other reviews for this chapter from people more familiar with the fandom and got my head in the right place.

Melodrama you definitely have, in waves. Yui is headstrong, overly so to counter her disability, and you've ended the chapter with a real cliffhanger. The section between Hinata and Yui was so intense that for a moment I forgot that this is about a war - and to be honest, that is the only critique I could offer about this story, is that the backdrop to this drama isn't all that clear. But again, this may have more to do with my ignorance of the fandom.

This was an entertaining chapter. Good luck with writing the rest.
Legendary Biologist chapter 1 . 11/27/2012
I may be fandom blind, but I can easily follow this story. Your characterization is clear, so now I know who Hinata is. In addition, you managed to keep it completely in Hinata's POV, despite using the third-person POV, really awesome! :) Interesting plot, with a cliffhanger! I'm wondering whether Yui will be in the battlefield or not, because it's impossible to fight while sitting on a wheelchair.

He had seen how soldiers killed each other all the time on video games, but taking a life with his own two hands was very different
-So true! I often play such video games but I wouldn't want to imagine if I were like Hinata.
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