|Reviews for Cores|
| scarlet phlame chapter 13 . 7/27/2013
Yay! An update! Great chapter, what's Yomiel up to?
| asukakizuno.p4s chapter 12 . 7/2/2013
this fanfic is the best! can you make another chapter or story? i would like to read it
| Ariadne Mills chapter 12 . 5/8/2013
So I've been con-critting for the past few chapters, and I probably look like a huge jerk, so I've decided to put everything I like from this chapter here.
"I was so near giving up when a voice woke me.
''Sissel? What the hell are you doing here?''"
I love how you used to word "woke". It makes things seem a lot more alive/lively.
"The mystical thread of fate ignored my plea."
Great line here.
"I explained it all to him."
Thank you for at least not putting that old line from earlier over there.
Great job on the story so far. Once again, I am quite enjoying it, but I would suggest a little more detail and longer chapters. Watch where you're going with the paragraphs.
| Ariadne Mills chapter 11 . 5/8/2013
There were just so many places that needed to be double-spaced in this chapter that I don't even want to comment on all of them.
Don't get me wrong, it's a great story. Quite humorous. My only issue with it is how it has issues that can easily be fixed with a beta or a little more attention to detail.
| Ariadne Mills chapter 10 . 5/8/2013
""Heavens, girl, are you quite all right?" asked the snobby stuck-up librarian, coming over with a waddle that reminded me of a duck's.
Lynne was really panicking now, fidgeting, shrieking," N-NO, I'm fine! No need to c-come over!" I personally thought the book wasn't much of a problem, but I knew Lynne would kill me (again) if I did nothing. I leapt from the bag to the bookshelf nearby, and tipped the books over, like a pile of dominos. One, and then another, and another... they fell to the ground, making it look like the Little Detective's guidebook was one of those books.
"Oh, deary, deary me. What a fuss you've caused!" said the snobby rude stuck-up librarian, shaking her head sadly. "Now I'LL be the one to clean it up. The customers are so rowdy nowadays... Oh! There's one that we've been missing!" she gasped, picking up the LD's guidebook. She entered "Returned" into the computer and the date, and loads of other boring library things.
"I'm sorry," Lynne apologised, bowing.
"Hmph! Not buying anything? After all the things you put me through!" complained the snobby rude stuck-up petty librarian."
Still needs to be double-spaced here.
| Ariadne Mills chapter 9 . 5/8/2013
"Lynne flinched. "Don't tell anyone!"
"I won't, but..." I hesitated. "Isn't this a book for kids in kindergarten?"
"How the heck do you know what kindergarten is?! And besides, you're only ten years old!"
"The point is, why did you rent it out in the first place?!"
"If you must know, a friend recommended it to me!"
"Why do you need help?!"
"'Cause I can't return it without people laughing!"
"It doesn't matter! Just return the darn thing and be done with it!"
"Easy for YOU to say! You're a cat! And ten years old!"
"Why do you keep bringing that up?!"
"'Cause you're younger than me, so I'm your boss!"
"No way am I your slave!"
"Just SHUT UP and HELP ME!"
"So you need a ten-year-old's help, then?"
"You just happened to read my thoughts, so you somehow got in on it! I didn't ASK for your help!"
"Actually, you did, twic-"
"SHUT UP, MOGGY MOUTH!"
"Don't call me Moggy Mo-"
"SHUT UP OR I'LL KILL YOU!""
Still needs to be double-spaced here.
| Ariadne Mills chapter 8 . 5/8/2013
""Whenever you talk to someone in the ghost world, anybody in the area who has a core can hear, right?""
I don't recall this detail from the game myself, but if this is a twist, I would suggest a little more description. The chapters are also outrageously short, description can help with elongating the book.
| Ariadne Mills chapter 7 . 5/8/2013
Huh. That was a bit of a letdown.
| Ariadne Mills chapter 6 . 5/8/2013
I would suggest a little more description. I'm aware that Sissel is dead, but can you try to explain what the room he's in looks like, or what it smells like, or what he likes/dislikes so we can delve a little deeper into his character?
| Ariadne Mills chapter 5 . 5/8/2013
""Sorry," I apologised,"Uh, did you recognise this person?"
"Nope! Never seen them before... actually, I couldn't tell, because it had a blue flame shape."
"Oh." I had hit a dead end. Had anyone else died recently? I could only think of Lynne, and I completely trusted her. Well, as much as you can trust anyone that was manipulated into killing you, but that wasn't her fault. And besides, she was alive now. Or was she? Hmm...I'd have to check later."
Needs to be double spaced here.
| Ariadne Mills chapter 4 . 5/8/2013
"That's exactly why I'm worried," I spat, calmed down after the whole delirious rant thing.
Calming, or as I calmed down. Not "I spat, calmed down"
| Ariadne Mills chapter 3 . 5/8/2013
This chapter was okay, not a lot of issues. Good job.
| Ariadne Mills chapter 2 . 5/8/2013
"At the time, I wasn't too surprised. After all, I had gotten used to her many brazen deaths. But this one... this one was different."
Brazen means bold, without shame, so the definition fit into the sentence seems a little chunky and chops it up.
"I found her in the garden. With a shovel in her head."
That's a fragment sentence. A fragment. Sentence. Is when. You. Talk. Like. This.
" I reached out to the core. Lynne was shouting at nobody in particular. Of course,
she didn't remember me from the other timeline, so I had to explain everything. I won't put it all here, as you probably know the story."
You accidentally paragraphed here. Also, I wouldn't write "I won't put it all here, as you probably know the story." as it makes you sound a little lazy. No offense or anything. I would suggest just writing something along the lines of:
"...so I had to explain everything. She listened (patiently, with interest, etc) while I talked." Just add a little more description into your writing and such.
"Then I was jolted into reality by the start of 4MBD. (That's what I call four minutes before death.) Lynne was doing the laundry. La la la, do this, do that."
Can you give us a little more description here? It's a little... bland. Also, I would consider writing out the entire title of Four Minutes Before Death. Put little titles in front of chapters that are in Four Minutes Before Death so we know which universe we are reading in.
| Ariadne Mills chapter 1 . 5/8/2013
There were a few errors in this story:
Also, I found this line adversely lacking in character and depth:
"Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock. I have no idea how many hours I sat there, looking at the clock. Looking for something. The continual ticking of the clock embedded itself in my mind, tick-tocking constantly. People went by. Lynne. Kamila. Jowd. Cabanela. Missile. Alma. Even Yomiel. So many people. Sometimes they called for me."
It's not that it isn't a good story, it's just that it needs a lot of work. It has great potential, that's not the issue, it just needs support.
| Madame Mayor chapter 12 . 5/7/2013
its ok im not the biggest fan of yomiel either but update soon! :)