|Reviews for The Tragedy of Pettigrew|
| Hippothestrowl chapter 1 . 11/9/2012
This portrays a good idea and it's written reasonably well as far as grammar and syntax goes but it is not good storytelling. It is more of a simple description of the idea concept. Storytelling is much more but comes with experience so keep practising. Don't feel badly about this. It needs to be learnt like any other skill.
What then is missing? This would take someone more expert than I am to define. I can't sing very well but I can tell very quickly if someone else is singing off-key. But let's try:
It's reduced to the bare minimum. It's good to cut out padding and waste and anything that does not push the story forward, but this goes too far so it becomes a summary: V led P to a room. V scared P. P gives in. It's as if you and I were chatting and you briefly described a scenario to explain why Peter did what he did even after being friends with James etc. for so long. He was weak but not normally wicked. And by 'bare minimum' I don't just mean it's a short story. Short stories can be great. Just adding stuff to this story won't automatically make it great.
It lacks descriptiveness: 'a small room,' 'a chest,' 'figure in black cloak.' Nor do we really get deeply into the feelings of the characters: 'he very much enjoyed living,' 'frozen in fear,' ' began to cry', 'cast with glee.' (But don't go the opposite way and write flowery over-detailed description - Google for purple prose.)
Emotional depth is completely absent. My feelings were not stirred at all, partly because I don't feel the characters' feelings deeply and partly because I'm not drawn in, not immersed in the fiction; I'm simply reading it out of curiosity. If you love the Harry Potter books then think back to scenes which gripped you and evoked powerful feelings and re-read them to see how they worked.
It's very hard actually to draw in a reader into something as short as 759 words. I would probably take three thousand, begin inside P's head waiting tensely for V to show up, maybe get inside V's head. His main interest is to get this information. Although he is cruel he does it mainly for punishment or persuasion not pleasure. Then P hears V approaching his 'cell' whatever. Build up the tension, make the reader feel P's fear and V's anxiousness to get this info.
The grammar and spelling errors need more care. They can distract so it's important to try to eliminate them. However, they are nowhere near as important as the other points I raised.
So, a good story theme but not good storytelling. Learn by reading and studying quality fiction, especially JKR if you want to keep your Potter fanfics in the same style. Also worth googling for fiction writing tutorials.
| dana-san chapter 1 . 11/8/2012
| LillianLockhart chapter 1 . 11/8/2012
Short, but very nicely done! I noticed a few grammatical errors, but nothing major. This was a very good idea of what could have happened to Peter. I can actually see it happening, too. It kinda paints Peter like less of a villain. Liked it very much! You should keep writing fan fiction!