|Reviews for Phantom Brave, The lost Chapters|
| Cyberchao X chapter 7 . 1/18/2017
And then it gets cut off. Ah well, them's the breaks.
| Cyberchao X chapter 6 . 1/18/2017
Heh. An interesting story. Damn, it's been too long since I actually played this game...
| Cyberchao X chapter 5 . 1/18/2017
Yeah, don't I hear ya.
| Cyberchao X chapter 4 . 1/18/2017
| Cyberchao X chapter 3 . 1/18/2017
It's only fitting. Walnut really is a good guy; it's just a shame that he dies proving it. Of course, given the setting, that's no impediment.
| Cyberchao X chapter 2 . 1/18/2017
Interesting indeed. I like it.
| Cyberchao X chapter 1 . 1/18/2017
"Obscure" is right. This fic was, what, almost four years old? And it was, until I posted earlier today, the most recent fic in the section.
But that's the sign that what you're doing is a labor of love. It's been a while since I even really checked my traffic, but I'm used to getting a bump whenever I post a new fic, and so far, I've gotten nothing on my new one.
| Martial Arts Master chapter 7 . 5/7/2015
Ash's behavior seems a bit weird. First he has smug thoughts while pouting about Raphael and the Heliotrope Blade, and then at the end Ash is chuckling at Murasaki discovering dead bodies. Is this intentional?
| Martial Arts Master chapter 3 . 5/7/2015
Dang, I apologize, I spoke too soon about Raphael back in chapter 1.
I'm glad Walnut has come to his senses, and I look forward to what happens if he and Castile reunite.
| Martial Arts Master chapter 1 . 5/7/2015
Wait, Raphael died along with Sprout? Huh, I played Phantom Brave when I was younger and absolutely loved it, but I guess my memory was fuzzy since I thought only Sprout sacrificed himself.
Thanks for writing this, I'm enjoying it so far! Okay, on to the next chapter...
| Martin III chapter 7 . 5/13/2013
Woah, Cauldron has a chair made of scrabbit hide? That's kind of creepy. (Though I do have a vague recollection that the game itself has a luxury item crafted from the corpses of apparently sentient creatures.)
Anyway, I'm horribly tardy on this review, but I did read the chapter not long after it came out, and it's an entertaining piece. Walnut's plan for finding Cynthia is amusingly suicidal, a point driven home by Cauldron's little warning. On top of that we have Rafael being corrupted by evil, a dramatic turn of events to say the least.
One minor problem: "He looked like shit." would make good dialogue but makes bad narrative. It's too conversational. If you have the time to fix 'em, here are some typos: "he'd would be able to find her in no time.", "Raphael sat up, and slide his sword", "I send for that healer you wanted"
Marona's idea for finding Fox sounds interesting. Maybe it's just because my memory of the putties is a bit vague (still haven't gotten around to playing the game through again), but I can't deduce what it might be.
Obviously, Raphael going berserk is the main event here, and it's a very effective twist. First, it's compellingly cruel for it to happen to Raphael, since his strong sense of honor and dignity, and the pride he takes in it, make this more painful for him than it would be for anyone else. Second, it's plausible within the context of the Phantom Brave world, and follows naturally from the story. In spite of that, there's definitely something a bit shocking about it.
Great cliffhanger ending, even if Ash chuckling at the situation seems inappropriate. Looking forward to the next chapter!
| MintPeepAmanda chapter 1 . 4/15/2013
Such great work, I love it so far! Please, keep making more 3!
| Martin III chapter 6 . 3/7/2013
The already solid plot development has more than stepped up a notch here. The startling developments fit well with the milieu and make for a quite gripping read.
Ash and Walnut's alliance of necessity is well-written. Walnut wanting to protect Marona is a nice development of his motives from the game; he's growing as a character without abandoning what makes him who he is.
The meeting of Raphael and Castille is delightful, even adorable, though Raphael placing emphasis on "my" doesn't ring true. Brief as the exchange is, it's an immensely satisfying juxtaposition of two likeable characters. Murasaki and Walnut's naming of the ship is a good bit of non-essential characterization, too.
Good to see Castille with the putties again, if only briefly. Makes sense that they'd call on them to help Marona. The little stop in Monetopia adds some extra entertainment to the end of that thread. You write Marona, Ash, and Castille's characters with such energy here. None of them are "on" all the time, so it can be tough to know when and how they should "turn on". I think you played it right.
Some typos: "for Marona, just in case that if Marona got injured again with no healers around," "He decided that she was growing the age that she was", and "And I, a lot more money".
Captain Drab's boasting is great, and he makes a strong foil for Cynthia. Kind of funny that he would go straight to Persimmon after she hired him, seeing as how Cynthia already checked with him herself.
Walnut's encounter with Fox is a great way for the late chroma oxide to be himself. As always, you script his very difficult personality splendidly. His history with Cynthia is fitting, too, and this was a good time to reveal it. It wouldn't have done to keep it a mystery long, and Walnut spilling the story to Fox doesn't feel at all forced.
Raphael's clash with Cynthia makes an appropriate and effective climax. You overuse all capitals in this section, but the ever-changing tide of the battle makes it a gripping read. Cynthia having been corrupted by Sprout's spirit is a good twist. Actually, given how much sense it makes I doubt that "twist" is the right term for it, but there is an unpleasant shock to Raphael's discovery, and I shared it with him. The real twist, of course, is Raphael becoming infected with the darkness. I like how this is written as a natural extension of his rage over the defiling of his men, and I'm certainly interested in seeing where it heads. Cynthia is a much more grim and menacing threat now.
Nice cliffhanger; I'm already wondering what Walnut is up to with his Fox disguise. It can't be a suicide run, since for all his aimlessness, I'm sure he still would like to take Cynthia down. I'm worried that it's not going to end well, though, seeing as how he neglected to tell anyone else about his plan. Excellent drama here.
| Martin III chapter 4 . 2/3/2013
So finally I get around to another review! This continuation is more than up to the standard set by the first two chapters, and there's good development of all the subplots.
Ash and Marona's banter at the start fits very well; their opening each episode with friendly and open discussion of their recent experiences and feelings is a major component of Phantom Brave's warmth and spirit. And it's good to get an acknowledgment, even a fleeting one, of Castille and Putty. Ash's explanation for bringing both swords is quite natural, and I'll confess I had no suspicion at the time that there would be any significance to this.
A hunt for Raphael is a reasonable premise for a mission, and I love how you've handled the battle scene. It does lean a bit towards being video-gamey, what with the references to menu selections, but not such that there isn't a natural flow to the fight, and touches such as Cynthia's battle incantation and summoning of subordinates make for a setting of the stage that evokes the Phantom Brave storytelling style. Cynthia is a well-crafted adversary, fitting perfectly into the Phantom Brave milieu without being a clone of any preexisting character. Often, due to lack of imagination, fanfic writers make their antagonists either overpowered or insufficiently menacing; Cynthia is neither of these. Her personality comes out strong, and Walnut's history with her makes a good bit of intrigue.
Just a few minor issues:
1.I wouldn't use "3x" to abbreviate "triple". It's not a standard abbreviation, and while it's not difficult to figure out what it means, it's a bit distracting.
"yes" in "She had become very strong, yes, but she" is very conversational, which is fine of itself, but it's inconsistent with the perspective of the rest of the paragraph.
3."(Walnut had left Marona at the Isle of Healing Waters. Able to avoid detection, he was able to steal someone else's boat and make it back.)" Information should come to the reader through the story.
Persimmon is as faithfully portrayed as the rest of the original cast, and I got a good kick out of his reunion with Walnut. His fluctuating visibility makes for very strong, uncontrived humor. Definitely a scene I'll remember.
Ash's reunion with Raphael is pretty good too, with ample heart. But I thought phantoms aren't able to do anything without a possessed confining them? Maybe I need to knuckle down and replay the game (something I've been wanting to do anyway).
Splendid job on bringing together Walnut and Murasaki as friends. Those two are probably the hardest of the cast to dialogue, and you effectively write them so I can hear their voice actors speaking each line. However, their friendship shouldn't be explicitly stated (e.g. "found himself his first friend, outside of 'Business'"); it should simply be evident (as it is).
A very good pair of chapters, with quite a bundle of events going on through them. Keep it up! I think you may have reunited Ash, Raphael, Sienna, and Walnut too easily, but I'll reserve judgment until I see what you have in mind.
| Martin III chapter 2 . 1/8/2013
Not a bad start at all. Some promising plot threads here, and it's all very true to the Phantom Brave spirit.
First the criticisms, though: The screenplay-style dialogue tags are out of place, and completely unnecessary. Try removing them all and reading the chapters over again, and I'm sure you'll see they're not missed. As far as plot, the Count's invitation doesn't make a strong hook for the opening chapter; I might have made Walnut's scene the opening.
Finally, Ash saying he is "not obligated to protect her anymore" doesn't fit. For one thing, he's a phantom, so he has no choice in the matter. More importantly, for Ash to dictate that he has repaid any obligation relating to **Marona's parents being killed on his watch** is rather disrespectful and heartless, to put it mildly.
Now the good stuff: Your handling of the cast of Phantom Brave is excellent. I have to give you particular credit for Walnut and Count Malt, who are tricky to dialogue faithfully. You don't shy away from Walnut's morbid nuttiness at all, so kudos. And Marona and Ash's simple goodness and loyalty to each other is brought out most convincingly.
The plot threads you've introduced are also intriguing. While Walnut's death at the end of the first scenario worked for me, I feel there is more that can be done with the character besides a cheesy redemption (even after Another Marona), and you're off to a good start on that. The brief introduction of the velvet-clad woman makes for a nice little mystery, and Marona and Ash becoming Ravens is fitting. Any of these threads on their own wouldn't mean much, but put together they make for an enticing fic.
Some errors to fix:
1."(Of which Cauldron was responsible for,)" Should be just "(which Cauldron was..."
2."understand your gift,but don't hate them..." There's an extra carriage return after the comma.
3."'Ash, would you be so kind as to uncloaking yourself?'" Self-explanatory.
Nuff said. Looking forward to the next chapters, particularly the fate of Walnut. This one has potential, and I certainly hope you'll carry it through to its conclusion.