|Reviews for Three|
| taerkitty chapter 1 . 12/30/2012
New speaker, new paragraph. That's a good rule-of-thumb to keep readers from getting confused by who is speaking.
"The question came out of the blue" stick to one tense. Most of the story is present tense, 'came' is not.
"Yell with fake surprise" sounds stiff and false. "I try to sound surprised" may be better.
The bit about Giacinta and Mr. Basilo are a little flat - writing first person, it's difficult to get such facts in, but this seems more of an info-dump than something organic.
Unsure what you mean by "crossbow that goes under collars".
"He goes to an alleyway *and* finds a man *and* they talk for a while, (run-on) I didn't listen at all to what they were talking about and grab my gun out of my green bag, disgusting thing it is, so many scratches that couldn't be washed off.
Two 'and's when there should only be one, and a run-on sentence.
"I wait *in till* he comes out" Should be 'until'.
"So *your* one of those cyborgs, huh?" Should be 'you're'.
"Bove is *fount*." Should be 'found'.
It could use a little polishing - the spacing is spotty, and it could use a better sense of back-and-forth: he says this, she says that, then thinks something else.
The biggest shortcoming is that there isn't a lot new here. She captures someone, then goes back and is a normal girl. I don't see anything all that new or compelling.
It's a good start, and I look forward to more about these new cyborgs in hopes they become more fleshed out.
| Thescarredman chapter 1 . 12/8/2012
Okay, good start. You know how to write, let's see if you know how to plot ... and if you know how to keep going after that first flare of inspiration fades. Too many on this site don't.