|Reviews for Harry Potter and the Snow White Queen|
| Stone chapter 1 . 12/11/2012
I've read a few Harry/Hedwig fics but they weren't as good :)
| Guest chapter 2 . 12/11/2012
Thank you for the update, please keep on updating
| Guest chapter 2 . 12/11/2012
*Warning, review is heavy on critique, if you want nice fluffy ones skip it*
Ok you have a lot of potential here but it deffinetly needs some work.
You need to think out your speech a bit more, Dumbledore is a politician, he would not make simple mistakes like this "She will most likely convert him to her cause. When we next meet Harry, he will definitely be a Dark wizard.". Not only did he contradict himself here "most likely" - "definitely", which makes him look stupid, he also alienated some of his followers probably considering there is an 'uproar' following this.
Thoughts are not speech, people generally don't think in nice neat sentences as if they are talking to someone else like you did with this paragraph "I remember the Snow White Queen. She actually wanted to recruit me back then, but disappeared before I could join. I wonder if that position is still available? What matters to me right now is that the Dark Lord is stopped and I don't think this group is my best shot in accomplishing that anymore, especially with Dumbledore feeding them this bullshit about Dark Arts being nothing but evil, as they can be used for good, and Light magic can be used for evil, like the Neutral faction says. I should try to contact Lupin and Tonks as well.". Reading this feels wrong, something along the lines of Moody wondered if the position she offered him back then is still available instead of direct thoughts would be one way to do this. At the very least, try to lose some of the background words like 'the Snow White Queen" being replaced with "she" or perhaps "Gwen".
These sentences have a few issues "It's a very old trick that an Animagus can do. Most Animagi don't know this trick, and since neither Albus, nor Tom are Animagi, they don't know it either. " The wording of "...old trick that an Animagus can do. Most Animagi don't know this trick" is awkward and could be one sentence ie "It's a very old trick Animagus trick that most Animagi don't know" Then she has ridiculous knowledge of either of them being an Animagi, for one she has been an owl for what, 27 years, so she can't have known what happened in the meantime. And second, even if they were Animagi when she was still around, how would she have known, they are both powerful figures for whom there would be many advantages to hiding particular talents, especially if there forms don't reflect well on them for political reasons. Unless it is important later that those two don't know it, just leave it implied that they don't/might not. If it is important you words like probably don't know it and leave the reason a bit fuzzy.
I'm sure I could fine more but these are probably the biggest things in this chapter that I could point out.
| debora diskey chapter 2 . 12/13/2012
loving this very much
| Tha Golden Boy chapter 2 . 12/12/2012
Interesting going into details of a Neutral faction. This site has always mentioned it but never going into deeper details.
I like Hedwig's character but she seems a bit too perfect. Hopefully we get to see some flaws in her as the story progresses, like jealousy? Also, I hope she isn't overpowered. That usually ruins stories before they can even progress. I would expect her to be a top tier wizard but not on Dumbledore and Riddle's level because of experience and probably greater depth of knowledge.
Anyways looking forward to the next chapter.
| azphxbrd chapter 2 . 12/11/2012
I would like t see her and Harry to join together with other neutral families and strike a blow at both Dumbledore and Voldemort changing the current wizarding world on the long run.
| Guest chapter 1 . 12/9/2012
Please update, really good story so far
| Darkth Shadow chapter 2 . 12/11/2012
please dont let him go back to dumb old dork!
| Cloud75JC chapter 2 . 12/11/2012
Another awesome story ... hope you update it soon ...
| Aaron Leach chapter 2 . 12/11/2012
| zarkan chapter 2 . 12/11/2012
Not bad really not bad keep writing and update soon see ya.
| kemo9005 chapter 2 . 12/11/2012
| JAIMOL chapter 2 . 12/11/2012
It's a great story. I'm looking forward to seeing how it will be the relationship between Harry and the White Queen.
| Reishin Amara chapter 2 . 12/11/2012
dumbolddork dumbmoldpork so many ways to insult him
if he conjured a battleship in black lake then a hilrious counter would be to change the ships labeled title to the SS Goatfucker.
| raw666 chapter 2 . 12/11/2012
Very nice work, keep up the work.