|Reviews for Heart of a Lioness: Through the Eyes of a Queen- Book Two: Uru|
| Warriorcat119 chapter 2 . 12/4/2012
Aww Uru, I feel so bad for dang my feelings.
Also, I'm extremely excited to see what you do with the name, Tamilea, that I allowed you to use. I just always get excited whenever something like that happens.
Can't wait for the next installment of this story. This series is currently my favorite on this site.
| Chris Boyce chapter 2 . 12/4/2012
One of the things people seem to say of good writing is that they can see it happening. How is that done? A common mistake is to think that it needs detailed description of everything. In fact it seems that rather than being more descriptive, visual writers are less. Its by just touching on key things that evoke images that its done.
The thing to remember is that there are always two of you there while you are writing your stories: you, the writer, and the reader. The point is that the reader brings something powerful to all stories: their imagination. So, you need to engage your reader - make them interested in your story intellectually and emotionally, and then keep them there. Anything that distracts the reader away from your world and back into the real world is bad, for a writer that is. That's why good grammar, spelling and punctuation are important: they make the story easy to read, and therefore easier for the reader to let their imagination loose. Too much description actually makes it less likely for the reader to imagine what is going on. Its one reason the all too common "she was dark brown with orange eyes and light paws" type colouration description of characters doesn't work. Personally I shy away from describing my characters at all. Instead I let the reader imagine them for themselves.
All that is just general advice, here though is something specific. You seem, like so many fanfiction writers, to have to have some form of "he said, she said" attached to every line of dialogue. Its one thing that distracts readers and bring them out of your story. I know it takes courage, and a little experiment, but leaving them out can make a big difference to your writing. I've taken the liberty of taking one exchange from chapter 1 and re-written it. All the dialogue is the same, but I've trimmed off a lot of the "said she" stuff. I hope you'll see the it's more intimate, more conspiratorial because the reader is now more engaged with the dialogue and there's nowhere near so much to distract them:
"So did he kiss you?"
"What? NOO!" Heat rushed to Shasha’s dark cheeks. "It was just a simple walk, between friends."
"C'mon Shasha. Just tell me the truth, do you like him?"
Shasha was about to protest her friend's teasing accusations, but knowing it was hopeless to lie to Chanti, she decided to come clean. "Well, yes, Chanti. I do like him...alot."
"I knew it! You and Eno make the perfect couple!"
Despite her embarrassment, Shasha's green eyes glowed with the happiness of a young lioness in the grip of her first crush. The two adolescents chatted and giggled, pausing only to scold a few cubs who had become a bit too rambunctious. Neither noticed a small group of female cubs sneak around the acacia trees, a hint of evil mischief glowing in their eyes.
I can see Chanti leaning over to Shasha and whispering into her ear. I feel the rush of blood to Shasha's cheeks. I can hear the tone of Chanti's voice. Yet none of these things are in the text, they are all in my, the reader's imagination.
It does take courage to let go of some of that narrative material, but getting the reader more involved with your story, becoming part of it even, is so well worth it. I urge you, and other writers here, to have a go.
| lew leon chapter 2 . 12/3/2012
ou describe the emotions very realistically, I can fell them, really. Poor Mohatu and Uru, they have to cope with their trauma... I hope that they will. And Interesting story about hyenas, I'm interested how it will be continued :)
| shut the goddamn door chapter 2 . 12/2/2012
Wow! Really indepth descriptions!
Thought i recognized uru's nickname!
I guess the hyenas are the predrcessors of shenzi, banzai and ed! Poor little uru! I hope shes okay!
Looking forward to the next chapter!
| Chu10 chapter 2 . 12/1/2012
Aww, it's so sad :( I miss Jolina too! Such a wonderful character...oh, before I forget, it's YL10 from the previous review!
Keep up the awesome work! Can't wait for the next chapter :)
| mimoo01 chapter 2 . 12/1/2012
Awwh poor Uru she still has nightmares about her mother's death. My world would be destroyed if I lost my mother. I liked the way how the hyenas are brought in now the corruption begins. Sweet Uru it's adorable how she is close to Holly and Azir. This is how Uru is a strong lioness later in the story with her overcoming the bullying and her mother? Such a sweet thing to be bullied. I'm looking forward for the next chapter.
| The Glittery Ninja Espada chapter 2 . 12/1/2012
I like it...! Yup, Roo is definitely from TLK:ARC, lol! I really enjoyed this chapter, it had so many different settings! Can't wait for the next chapter! )
| Jonny2b chapter 2 . 12/1/2012
Good griaf the last two paragraphs had a lot to say. Ya kind of lost me on all of it.
I just know that Uru is acting like Simba a little.
| snheetah chapter 2 . 12/1/2012
Wonderful chapter! My hypothesis is that Uru is screaming, possibly of being bullied. I feel so sad for the poor thing, I want to give her hug. Her relationship with Azir is so cute. I am glad that Uru has the potential to make her family feel better for their loss. Though I do feel sad that she cries herself to sleep thinking about her mom :,( but I have a feeling that she's going to get stronger and stronger as the years go on.
Hyenas in the Pride Lands. Let the battle begin... :D
Update soon! :)
| Jonny2b chapter 1 . 11/30/2012
Very poectic as useal.
"Sala, wait. What about the cubs, they are my children too." he said.
"No, they're not. No children of mine will have a monster for a father." she replied.
Defenately Gone with the Wind here. Just like Whn Red takes the doughter from Scarlet and tells her thath shes his Dad and she shouldnt be with a monster.
Cant wait to see where this leads too.
Also dont know if you will be doing this but the storie of Sarafina will come to mind. Maybe you can tie it to my First fic? Just a thought
| Guest chapter 1 . 11/21/2012
PuttingQuillOnParchment here :)
And the mate is one of Sinjun's followers?
| lew leon chapter 1 . 11/21/2012
I'm so happy that I see you again! :D The story starts great, it was really emotional and heartbreaking and we will see what will happen later. Sala's mate is Kelsh? Just guessing, I have no idea :)
Oh, the summary was good!
PS: What had happened with the story about Jolina? I wanted to see the last chapter, but there're only the first 19 :(
| TLKGuru12 chapter 1 . 11/19/2012
I already love the plot of the story! Keep going!
| queenlionesses chapter 1 . 11/19/2012
I hope you continue it. Loved Heart of a lioness. Nice to know Sinjun cubs wont grow up with his influnce. Is one of the cubs Adhi?
| Warriorcat119 chapter 1 . 11/18/2012
I loved the summary and this chapter is interesting. I dunno who Sala's mate is.
Can't wait for the next chapter. You're my favorite author, i love your description and characters.