Reviews for Horseshoes and Hand-grenades
Studmanafier chapter 1 . 2/5
Wow. The first chapter. The first chapter and already...I didn't think it was possible. Cleary the work of a genius. Only someone like that could completely DESTROY EVERYTHING LIKE THAT! Only a genius could take every theme and message Kamen Rider Fourze has and utterly destroy it. This is disgusting. Horrible. You ripped apart Gentaro's entire characterisation. WHY!? Why would you do that? This is disgusting!
MissScorp chapter 1 . 2/4
This was a fabulous opening chapter. You created some fabulously tense moments, and some absolutely interesting ones as well. Love the change up of Gentaro from whom he was before and who he is now. There’s a sinister and darker edge to him now which is a complete role reversal of who he was before. It reminds me of Pet Semetary, in that what you put into the ground is not always what rises from it. Quite obvious, the Gentaro who was pulled from the land of the dead is not one hundred percent the same one who has risen.

This line is great at reminding ((…the connections humans created with one another become enough to do the impossible.)) us about how our interpersonal relationships with other people can be enough to help us to accomplish things we might not think we can do otherwise. Humans are a social creature by nature. We need social relationships in order to survive.

This was chilling: ((Instead, it was if Kengo was looking into the eyes of a porcelain doll in Gentaro Kisaragi's likeness.)). I almost thought of Chucky here (not sure if you know who he is, he’s a horror character from the 80s who is a child’s toy that goes around killing people). It’s almost as if Hasbro has made a Gentaro doll and animated it. The representation of the porcelain, which is something cold and almost delicate, is a nice contrast against the notion of humanity being cold and delicate.

This was another line that had chills racing up and down my spine: ((He clenched them into fists before letting out a low snarl, sounding like a savage beast going for its prey.)). It’s animalistic in nature, it’s threatening, it’s the nature of the beast represented at its core.

Oh, this was fabulous: ((His eyes began to glow.)). Before I continued reading on I had a thought in my head of something supernatural, unnatural, or even animalistic in nature. Very nice play on words.

Sinister line here: ((No, the color was darker than the shine of a ruby. It was the color of blood.)). I really was left chilled by the descriptions you put with Gentaro here. It really makes him pop for me, establishes the variance of his character and how he has ultimately gone from some nice, cool kid who was friends with everyone to something which is dark, mysterious and focused upon a singular purpose.

Oh, this line is fabulous: ((Close only counts in horseshoes and hand-grenades)). Really nice way of saying close doesn’t count. You can be close in horseshoes, almost hitting the target, but when it comes to a grenade, close doesn’t cut it.

Yea, this is not threatening in the least here: ((“After all," Gentaro narrowed his eyes and smiled as he added, "We're friends.")). Poor Ryusei. His torment has only begun I suspect. By the fact that Ryusei retained his memories of the events which occurred, it signifies to me how Gentaro wants him to remember what happened, that he wants him to see what he’s done, and he wants him to squirm a bit because of it. It would be fitting (he did kill him after all) as a means of payback because nothing is worse than guilt.

Just a small point:

((Kengo and Ohsugi saw that the color of these eyes resembled rubies.))—with this line, I’d change (these) to (those). Just a suggestion :)

((This wasn't unlike the man who made friends with everyone...))—I think you just need to change (wasn’t) to ‘was’ for the line to be smoother. Another suggestion I can make here would be (This was quite unlike the man who made friends with everyone…).

In all, this was a great opening chapter and I can’t wait to see what happens next!
Edhla chapter 22 . 12/6/2013
Tragedy day? Bring it on :p

As a very minor thing, I would separate your epigram from the body of your own work with a scene divide or something.

[handed... in her hand] This is a little clunky and repetitive; is there a way of ironing it out a little?

[make you wish] Bit confused here. Make your wish?

I really liked the sentiment of deciding the fate of the world, and the following fight scene adhered to the usual standards I've come to expect from you.

"My name is Jiro..." I don't know if you intended this to be an homage to The Princess Bride or if it was unintentional. Either way, I'm not sure it's working... I cringed rather than smiled. I'd consider reworking it into a different phrasing, perhaps? I mean, the sentiment is badass, that works, it's just the phrasing. I reacted the same way to some of the "describe the action every character can see" dialogue and the "evil ways" remark too, but I'm willing to assume this sort of dialogue is canon.

"Precious little..." I liked the first use a lot, but the second was a little repetitive for me.

[Get off me you monster] Get off me, you monster. And I appreciated the irony of Kengo's words there. A very tense hinge to leave the chapter on. Thank you for writing x
Dragon and Sword Master chapter 31 . 11/25/2013
I still can't believe how wonderful of a story that you have here, even after a year of writing. It is still catchy, still...intriguing, even with the passing of Wizard and into Gaim.

Cannot wait to see what else you have in store for everyone!

DASM
555
Henshin Complete
Edhla chapter 21 . 11/20/2013
It's been a long time since I've been able to review this.

Ryusei's confusion is very nicely portrayed, and Tachibana's calm unconcern is quite chilling. I still feel that Tichibana's blatant attempts to turn Ryusei against his team are a little *too* blatant at this point; I'm not sure they'd do much good against a reasonably psychologically normal person. The tattoo was a particularly nice touch.

Your action sequences are improving all the time - the first few I read were a little awkward and hard to visualise, but here I really enjoyed the commands interspersed with actions and reactions. The dialogue struck me as a little... corny, perhaps? But then it's my understanding that this is Saturday afternoon cartoon stuff, so that may well be standard for the genre you're writing in.

"My, my." Because "said Kijima" is a dialogue tag. you need a comma here rather than a period.

"With a blow kiss" This seemed a little awkward to me. "By blowing a kiss" or perhaps "with a blown kiss"? I like the deliberately provocative gesture very much, though.

"Times ticking" This should read, "time's ticking". I liked this scene, but I felt like I needed more of it to understand what was going on. That's perhaps just canon-blindness.

I was really glad to see Ohsugi again, and was furious at Sonada for dissing him, especially with "perverted fool" (that sentence needs a comma, though.) I was really glad when Ohsugh gained ground and read her the riot act.

I'm still not a fan of previews of next time, but that's your style and I respect that. Thanks for writing x
DjinniFires chapter 1 . 11/20/2013
Scene 1: You chose a great point at which to start this story: Kengo bringing Gentaro back to life, Kengo uneasy that something seems not quite with Gentaro, Gentaro showing that something is *definitely* not right with his uncharacteristic coldness, Gentaro able to command his former friends (eeks!), and Gentaro even able to make them forget that he's been brought back to life. The scene flows well and certainly sets up drama to come.

Nits Scene 1:
Paragraph 3: [...that {{remove: would}} also drained him of energy]
Paragraph 9: [The Cosmic Switch and the bonds of friendship Gentaro forged with the Kamen Rider Club {{were}} enough to bring him back to life]
Paragraph 10: [...and the Cosmic Switch failed to {{revive}} me. ]

Scene 2 introduces another interesting character: Ryusei who was responsible for Gentaro's death but wants to make amends. The opening of him fighting standard enemy Yamada and Yamada's henchmen is well-described. Just when the superior numbers are getting the better of him, Gentaro shows up. Typical villain, Yamada underestimates him and then is shocked at Gentaro's new cosmic powers. This is a very effective confrontation because while the reader is happy to see the good guys saved, the question is raised of whether their savior might be more dangerous than the one he's saving them from. Really cool that Gentaro is able to again wipe the memory of himself from his former allies' minds, and even cooler that he apparently couldn't wipe Ryusei's memory. The last line is a great hook.

Nits Scene 2:
Paragraph 2: [...watch the man in front of {{them}} make his vows to protect them.]
TransformersPrime1234444 chapter 1 . 11/17/2013
First of all, I'm fandom blind... Now that that's said, he's alive! I wonder if he's going to be like a Frankenstien kind of thing. I liked how you were very descriptive. But I was confused about the following orders from my master if Gentaro said that the people that revived him wouldn't remember him. I may have just comprehended wrong, but I am not sure. I liked how the word 'said' was not used, or at least not seen by me. Last year I was taught said is dead, we got word lists and a monkey, and I always love seeing stories where said is rarely used. You were very descriptive, like with the hollow voice and stuff. You also used good word choice, like the replacement of said. You also gave it a very dark feel, and it was very successful in sending chills down my spine. Overall, great job!
NeoMiniTails chapter 1 . 11/9/2013
Sorry about the lateness of this review. i have no excuse, but I allowed time to escape me. I read it last night, and started the review, but found myself falling asleep so I decided I'd do it in the morning, but like an idiot, I totally forgot about it.

I am admittedly fandom blind, and I had read your story "Courage of Your convictions," with the poems connected to this story which the chapter I read had been pretty awesome and prepared my heart for what was to come within this chapter.

I liked the chapter however, I think your tone needs to be worked on. Gentaro was evidently very dangerous, very powerful, a friend prior to this but I need to feel that way towards him. When he killed that guy, at the end, I wish that you would have created more of a tone for that scene, a darker emotional response. I mean, I understand that the guy was a bad person however if his killing him the way that he did was an odd thing, it could have been a perfect moment to harp from another character's perspective of how this so different.

Your descriptions, however, were wonderful. I especially liked the part where you described a person as looking like the Devil without the pitchfork, very strong image.

Despite what I mentioned about the tone, the opening scene had very strong words to set the tone for his awe and excitement for being able to re-awaken his friend, companion, or whatever that he was to them

I found myself smiling along with the teacher and the Geography teacher though it reminded me a bit of Frankenstein. lol. Were you inspired by that story, in any way? Of course, he's not a mindless zombie, but the idea of resurrecting the dead, but a personality unfamiliar awakens within it.

I love the fact that he thought he resurrected him through the "power of their friendship."
I also loved the comparison of him being a "porcelain doll with his likeness." That was a sharp, well thought-out comparison.

His last quote to that guy about hi being killed, never coming back, and nothing could change that he completed his mission was also very powerful. When I look back, it was only the part when he killed the guy and the guy near defeating those people where the tone didn't quite work.

It seemed like this was actually the true him speaking and not the thing controlling him, but again, I could be wrong. lol.

I have this feeling that Gentaro isn't completely evil ... he seems like an anti-hero, and I love AH's. lol.

This story looks interesting, and I would love to continue reading.

Your grammar is practically perfect besides the fact that you need to put a space between the ellipsis and the following word in many spots. I read it over twice and found no grammar/punctuation errors.

Really good job,
Again, I apologize for the lateness of this review,
Until Next Time,
Neo

Surprisingly, the story that I am most fandom blind, I've written my longest review.
Good luck! :)
Aiko Isari chapter 3 . 10/1/2013
Well, I like this delving into exposition here. It is nice to get an explanation for what happened to Gentaro. I like how the serpent manipulates him, twisting his thoughts and dreams to something he isn't sure how to deny. Or if he can deny it at all. Logic is a very powerful weapon and it works well against the idealistic Gentaro and his mounting despair about his friends. You can feel how it doesn't occur to him that anger is a stage of grief, that this is natural and if they truly are friends, this won't get in the way of it.

I think this way of portraying Gentaro is interesting. It's like you're implying he's enamored with making friends more than keeping them and bringing them together. They all cared about him, but when it comes to one another, it doesn't cling as much and it appears he neglected to notice that. Maybe he was more obsessed with the idea of having these people around. Interesting, especially since the despair makes him crumble so easily.

The way the mind control works is interesting too. Less so much him swallowing the serpent bearer, but the repetition of the commands they need to follow. Kind of cool way of going about things.

Whenever someone wants power, there's always a devil willing to strike a deal. That seems to be a theme of this story.

I'm really wondering about this 'Core Child' thing now. It's popped up a lot and the explanation still left me rather baffled.

SPaG:

allthe times- all the time

cuee- cue

Really enjoyed these chapters, still treading water with lack of canon knowledge but I'm enjoying myself! Catch you later!
Aiko Isari chapter 2 . 9/29/2013
Hmm... there sure was a lot going on in this chapter. XD

Wish I really understood the significance of Kengo's corruption, but I think that's a problem of me being fandom blind more than a problem with you. Though I am guessing that since he seems particularly vulnerable to Gentaro's mind control due to their close connection, that would make a difference. I guess the closer you are with a person, the easier they are manipulated is a good rule of thumb here.

Admittedly, Gentaro's obedience gave me the creeps. I read that section or any section with his master like: ew man, just like the guy's scales already you weirdo. i did like that, while he was a loyal servant, he did think about everything that was happening and try to draw his own conclusions.

I felt for the grandfather. That must have been horrible. His life just tumbled downhill lower and lower until he broke. Judging by the fact that he had a scene in here, he's going to feature more prominently as the story goes on. I hope he does. I'd like to see the mundane aspect of the world, like you did with the funeral too. Those were good scenes that balanced out the superpowered fighting.

I think a lot of the awkwardness that I'm noticing is in the transition. Like, particularly in the fight scenes, there was a lot of telling what was going on and it was a little hard to follow. Fight scenes are hard, though, and translating from live-action to writing format isn't easy either, so I'm keeping that in mind as I say this. I would say take note of any slang, or ways to translate accented Japanese to English. There, it's particularly formal. Also, describe actions. Like the transformations and fighting motions were a bit hard to grasp.

At the moment, however, I am concerned with what the plan is with Ryusei. A path of redemption and regaining trust, considering he did what he had to do for the sake of someone else. It's clearly going to be a hard path, considering it doesn't look like the Kamen Riders and the Zodiarts have had a common goal until now.

This is looking to be a very interesting read, a lot of sides clashing and a darkness cloaking the area that they don't want to see. Interested to see where it goes. Catch ya later!
Edhla chapter 20 . 9/29/2013
Again, apologies for the phone thing...

I really want croquettes now dammit :p The dialogue there had a lot of exclamation marks which made me mentally read it as the characters shouting at one another... Though that kind of exuberance may well be canon, for all I know. It did seem a little weird to me that they'd get so excited about crab croquettes, but there ya go...

["We'll stomp them lie bugs!"] Like bugs?

Haruka is a badass, I like her. :-) Again a bit confused by some of the fighting, and the intro to it seemed a little pedestrian, but you did have some nice images there.

I totally roared with laughter about the astronaut line! The 'innocent children" line was a little off to me in the context of the scene, but that's your call.

The interlude with Daisuke was so very adorable... And I'm hoping nothing too awful happens to Kengo. The whole "secretly your father/parent" thing is done very often in fiction, so I'll be interested to read your take on it :-)
Edhla chapter 19 . 9/29/2013
Please forgive any errors I might make and formatting woes; my laptop is smashed, and reviewing a 7K chapter on a phone is ridiculously hard (I wish the admins would make it easier!) In chronological order: Some very nice scene setting at the beginning though I did think you perhaps strayed into "tell not show" stuff when you begin explaining what Naomi is like. Not being familiar with the show, I'm not sure whether Miu's comment about Yuki 's plushie is canon or in character but it struck me the same way.

[I highly doubt that none of us will survive hot boiling water to the face.] Did you mean "any of us"?

Liked the subtle humour in Sieg's random remark that he never trusted sheep.

A few dropped commas, as in "Right, Nadeshiko?"

As always, Ohsugi is just precious and easily my favourite character. I did get horribly lost in the ensuing battle, but that's mostly canon and genre blindness. I really liked the exchange between Hana and Owner on prayer.

Jiro strikes me as a big puppy- eager to help, but not terribly bright. I'm still struggling with Gentaro, though... All of his dialogue comes over as a little melodramatic, e.g the "day is young" stuff.

"a student was greatful..." Grateful? And wow, that was super cruel and totally uncalled for. I thought Ohsugi's response was poignant but "jerks" in particular I found OoC.

And poor Kengo! Well, poor everyone, frankly. Overall, not a bad chapter though as always I found it a little complicated and about three times longer than I felt it should be. Keep writing x
Aiko Isari chapter 1 . 9/25/2013
Warning; All I know about this fandom I know from tumblr and we all know that's not much help. That said, I've seen this fic on TVtropes so... here goes nothing!

Hmm. You start this fic off with a good couple of bangs here, proving that friendship doesn't always triumph over death and do good. Sometimes evil takes advantage of opportunities given to it and in this case, it did it with power and mind control. Not fun. Also, something dies fairly quickly and does a show off of power.

As a first chapter, this isn't bad. There are a couple of word issues such "would also drained him" that are a little awkward and appear throughout but I think just a quick edit will get rid of those.

The only thing, and this may be fandom blindness on my part, that seems off to me is that the character voices seem a little stiff. You aren't doing a bad job of incorporating the feel of the show itself, particularly in the area of darkening the what is meant to be happiness at resurrecting a friend through hope, but the dialogue is a bit stiff and unwieldy, leaving the narration a bit choppy as a result.

However, this is chapter 1 and things can only go up!

"We're friends."- Also, I love lines like this. It does tend to spell out the fall of the person who says it, but I love the sadism that lingers underneath it, implying possible hell, but instead bringing a temporary mercy, one that brings out even a momentary despair.

What have I unleashed?- Finally, I love when characters think this. It always reminds me of Frankenstein and the events that come from that.

This was a bit of a rocky start but still an interesting one! Catch you later!
Dragon and Sword Master chapter 30 . 9/25/2013
once again it seems like all things are bleak. Nothing will truly get better...will it?
Matsukaze Tenma chapter 30 . 9/24/2013
Thank you so much for updating; i hope to read the next chapter soon

PS: Will they all be able to reach to the real Gentarou? I sure hope so
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