Reviews for Dealmaking
VampireHuntress72095 chapter 1 . 12/23/2014
Ohh Claire...Girl you do what you gotta do, cause yeah Meyer placed you in a shit universe.
I do wonder if the wolves ever discover that the reason for Quil's death is from Claire making deals with The Ancient Deity of Destiny, Necessity and Fate.
I'm not gonna lie at first I thought this was just a *really* old vampire or some kind of Witch who became immortal, and that she was pulling a Crossroad Demon, but when I saw those names at the end...I absolutely freaked...
Heather Giesbrecht chapter 1 . 6/10/2014
This is really cool, nice job.
Ratboy chapter 1 . 9/27/2013
This is an interesting idea considering the awfulness of imprinting.
esther chapter 1 . 7/22/2013
i came here through twispitefic on lj and i am BLOWN AWAY.

your writing is just rich and intricate and detailed and poetic and I was almost overwhelmed by it.


i absolutely adore reading these girl-wants-to-escape-from-imprinting!fic. granted, yours is only the second one i've read, but still. LOVE IT.
NoComparison chapter 1 . 4/8/2013
This is a really well written chapter. I especially like how you describe the witch's lair.

She took the role of a spider, awaiting the willing walk of prey to her lair, a white-limbed graceful spider with pale hands and feet, her web fashioned of china polished perfectly. She took the role of a witch: tell me what you want, my dear, my child, and I will grant it to you; but there will be a price, my dear, there surely will. She took the role of fates, spinning careful delicate threads between her own white fingers...and cutting, in time, the end.

This was my favourite paragraph from the story. The detail and imagery used were brilliant, it really sent chills up my spine. I like how you make that comparison between this supernatural woman and that of a spider, that they are both silent predators, out to hunt and kill their helpless prey.

I especially like how Claire knows that Quil is going to groom her to be his 'mate.' Imprinting was the one thing I hated beyond all else in the Twilight franchise, so to have her actually rebel against it was an interesting twist. You've kept it realistic too as I imagine that (in the context of this being a Twilight fanfic) this is exactly how Claire should react to Quil's imprinting on her. It perfectly shows us how downright wrong imprinting is all while having an intriguing and different plot than the norm.

My own criticism is this line: come in now my pretty, won't you come in? The 'c' in 'come' should be capitalised. Other than that, I can't find anything grammatically wrong. I'll be interested to see where this story goes.
zanganito chapter 1 . 2/27/2013
This is amazing, creepy, and sad all at the same time. I like how you showed another side to imprinting, and explored a minor canon character. The whole “imprinting on an infant/child” part of Twilight canon was disturbing and not really dealt with. I like how you dealt with it here, and showed a what if..Claire didn’t want to marry “Uncle Creepy”. lol.

I liked your use of language throughout, especially the line comparing the vampire to a spider.

She had heard petitioners in fetid, sinking swamps strewn with dead butterflies.

I really liked this part and how the butterflies sort of connected to the spider imagery in the previous paragraph. At first I wondered why the only the dead butterflies were mentioned, but them I realized they sort of represent her victims/clients.

The only mistake I noticed was a minor typo - shake the dust from your feat.

Again, good job, and I enjoyed reading this.
ShapelessThings chapter 1 . 2/13/2013
Hi, I'm posting from the Story Review Game Forum.

First, I have to say that I LOVE this idea. The whole concept of imprinting has always unsettled me, and it bothered me how in the Twilight books Meyer kind of glossed over it as though there was nothing wrong with the idea at all. It felt like whoever got imprinted on lost some freedom in choosing who they wanted to be with. I liked how this story showed how not everyone is okay with that. Specifically the line of dialogue that says, "Why would you ever want anyone else, when he wants to be everything to you?"

I think Meyer wrote something like that in the books, but she put so much of a positive spin on it, like the notion of NOT wanting to be with someone you've known since you were a baby is unthinkable. I like that you explored the negative side of it.

You are a very good writer (to say the least) and there was a consistent tone throughout the story. The hardest part of writing fan-fiction is to take a story and make it your own. You do that extremely well. The idea is unique and personally, I like that it's not the typical Twilight fan-fiction about Edward/Bella/Jacob.

With all that said, there are some places that I was a little confused.

"This visitor bore a spring's pleasure of youth to its step."

This sentence threw me off a bit. Is the 'its' referring to the visitor? If so, you should write he or she since the visitor is a person, not an object.

"china thin and fragile as human skin and far more intricate."

I love a good simile, and I thought this one was fantastic.

"they came aged and youthful and in middle age and always children if compared to her."

I think there needs to be a comma after middle age. Also, the sentence reads a bit awkwardly.

"The living human gave so many more small tells: from the way she stiffened her legs to stop her knees from shaking, to the wolf-stench of the corded bracelet that hung weighted with sweat and dirt from her right wrist, unclean and uncared for, to the strung cord of white headphones in her left pocket, to the faded marks of chickenpox and acne on the back of her cheeks, and the slight awkwardness in left wrist that betrayed a healed fracture not more than two years old."

Though I love your dedication to description, I think this paragraph has way too much. It kind of bogs down the reader.

"He saw nothing and spoke nothing, and yet his other senses were easily sharper than those of any human, able to do all they could."

You don't need to add 'able to do all they could'. Saying that his other senses are sharper than any human's is enough.

"In the threads of her tapestry glinted the dark brown of a wolf's head among all her memories, mortal potential woven to her."

Really great imagery here.

All in all, you did a really wonderful job with this story. You're a fantastic writer. :)
Priestess Luna chapter 1 . 11/29/2012
I am not a fan of the imprinting scheme of the twilight novels. To imprint for life on a child and become whatever they need just seems like a bit too creepy stalker to me. Overall, well done.

The flow of the dialogue and attention to description is clearly seen in this story. Your depiction of Claire is an accurate and almost realistic approach on how one might react to the imprint problem. Her character is not touched upon much in the series and its interesting to see how one interprets her.

The concept of the story itself is different, using a less popular pairing in the fandom with the idea to rebel against the imprint ideal. I don't normally read these type of fanfics and tend to avoid the twilight forum if I can. However, this has made me realize there are stories that are worth a glance or two that are set apart from those commonly overdone by other authors.
V Tsuion chapter 1 . 11/25/2012
Awesome! Great fic! I loved your portrayal of Claire and her interactions with the tribe, as well as "the old one"! It's amazing how many great fics can come out of such a terrible series.
Arynia chapter 1 . 11/23/2012
Wow. I love the details of this fic, and thank you for pointing out the sickness of imprinting. Definitely putting this on my favourites!
Crimson Rogue chapter 1 . 11/22/2012
This is amazing. You portrayed exactly how I imagined Claire would react if she managed to come out of Quil's attempt at child grooming without giving into him. I especially love the concept of Lesbian!Claire.

One little nitpick though, right before the end the Old One says 'they never kept their bargains', but just a few lines later it says 'and a few, a very few, came willingly and tired of life'. Seems a bit contradictory, honestly.
cathrl chapter 1 . 11/22/2012
The "grooming" aspect of Twilight's "imprinting" (and its vampire romances) has never sat easy with me, and I've wondered "what if someone said no?" several times. You addressed that head on, and you didn't soften anything at the end.

One confusion - are there two servants? There are references to her being driven here by one, but then there are comments about her servant being blind.

Actually, two confusions - is Claire really here? I didn't follow the reference to websites and electronic petitioning.

And one very, very small nitpick with the dialogue tags. There's a section in the middle where they're not quite as smooth - you started to countersink (add a description in the tag when you'd already made your point with the dialogue) a bit, and with verbs which aren't really speech verbs. "Foretold" stood out to me, and "defied."

My favourite aspect of this? The way she starts out as a heartbeat, then a child, then a girl, then she finally becomes a person. And it makes no difference at all to her fate.

Heck, this was good. And creepy. And pulled no punches. And I loved it.
panda1222 chapter 1 . 11/22/2012
So I take it you don't like Twilight?

But Seriously, I like your story. I saw it on LiveJournal and come over here to check it out. I especially like Lesbian!Clare, for I like stories where the wolf girls (or even guys) are gay (in fact, one of my favorite fanon Twilight ships is her with Renesmee), because it's like a "take that", to the series.

I also love the concept, and the way you did seemed original. Your language is a little hard to understand at some points (what did you mean by "the child would not remember the ti me..), but otherwise it's very beautiful. Fantastic job.
SpicyTacos chapter 1 . 11/20/2012