|Reviews for The Bad Habit|
| LittleMissMidnight chapter 7 . 3/25/2013
Lol May stole Drew's ribbon. xDDDD I love that. So fresh and new! And the ending shows you how powerful karma can be. xDD
Another lovely chapter Gengar.
| Gogrunt chapter 7 . 3/23/2013
You have some very interesting story ideas. The kleptomaniac May is fun. One area that your stories that can improve in is the way in which you tell them. You often "tell" us what is happening instead of "showing" us.
When I read the story I feel like I'm watching something two dimensional, with 3D splotches every now and then. The story plot is good, but the lack of details prevents me from really immersing myself in the story.
I don't mean that you have to describe in excruciating detail, every dish that is in some cupboard, or analyze the squiggly pattern that the edge of a lettuce leaf makes when poking out of a sandwich, or even describing every orange sunset. But when the characters are going somewhere can you add some transitions (showing their thoughts though actions, talking, etc.)? For example:
"Together they left the coordinator room and walked back into the auditorium, finding empty seats and sitting down to watch the rest of the contest. Drew won the following rounds and claimed the ever-coveted Slateport ribbon. Seeing that the contest was over, Ash was ready to leave, but May wanted to go down to the battlefield and talk to Drew. As the crowd headed towards the exits of the contest hall, May fought against the flow of people as she made her way down the stairs to the battle field where Drew was shaking hands with various people who were congratulating him on his victory."
This paragraph, from chapter 7, was smooth, but I would have preferred to hear the conversation between May and Ash, or to have seen the moment at which May made the decision to snatch the ribbon (without us knowing that that was what she was actually thinking about). You're telling us what happened, but we can't easily see it for ourselves. We can't see Ash, standing up with his jacket slung over his forearm, look over, only to see May still sitting, staring down onto the stadium floor. Ash's raised eyebrow as he queries, "May?" The spacey, distracted look she returns him, before asking him to wait a moment, while she goes down to congratulate Drew. And of course Ash's slight, hidden smile as he makes room for her, glad that she is no longer dissapointed.
Also, when Ash and May leave the beach to go back to the restaurant. The transition felt just a little too quick and weak, if you know what I mean. But transitions like that (from a beach where nothing further is going on, to a restaurant) aren't easy, for me at least, so I can't offer any help in that.
I like reading your stories, but it feels like they sometimes go by too fast, without allowing me time to immerse myself in the world. Rather than taking a dive through the plot, seeing the city, feeling the air, and walking with the characters, I feel like I'm skimming over everything, and only getting the concepts, and not the feeling. You said before that you want to focus the story on the Ash-May relationship, but without letting some more of the environment in it's hard to connect to. You do show us those moments, but they are somewhat few and far between in this story. Also, in this story, you don’t add many of the minor occurrences that influence the characters in each scene (i.e. when the air condition is turned too high, and it privately bothers a character as she’s trying to write a letter, or when a chair is too plushy and a character sinks too far into it, forcing him to readjust himself every 30 seconds). Those seem to help in some inexplicable way, so long as they don’t take away from the main plot, of course.
I liked how you ended the chapter. The last period came at a great moment.
Thanks for writing the chapter, and the story. I'm sorry for giving such a long, rambling review. If this is the style of writing you want to keep then please do keep writing this way, but as a member of your audience I want to give you any help I can, so that you can be a better writer, and thus be more successful and reach more people. If it was your intention to write the story as you have been, without the possibly unnecessary details, etc. and you have explained this several times already, then I’m sorry. Either way, keep writing!
| Basic Trainer chapter 7 . 3/22/2013
Hope May gets her things back. Can't wait for the next chapter.
| Basic Trainer chapter 6 . 3/22/2013
I think an advanceship vs sapphirepearlship story would make a good one. It puts a new twist on the usual advanceship stories.
| PurpleRock chapter 7 . 3/20/2013
Awwww! theyre falling in love and they dont even know it yet! :,D haha
| Amalgam24 chapter 6 . 3/20/2013
The idea you've had is a bit strange but i think it would make a good story.
| JJWalker chapter 7 . 3/20/2013
Ash, you fool. You should have just left her there... she had a better chance of learning her lesson staying inside that cell overnight with that hairy bloke... you're way too nice Ketchum
But yeah, the other reviews suggest that Norman is the thief. I doubt it just because it would be too perfect that May finally gets a bit of karma in the form of her own dad... but I reckon that the guy has some sort of connection to Norman to see if May had finally let go of her past.
But yeah, nice chapter mate. Glad that you have some time to write again :)
| Ammyst chapter 7 . 3/20/2013
This is so good! Pretty much one of the most amazing writers on this website. So happy your helping me with my own :3
| Analon chapter 7 . 3/20/2013
The moment Ash Ketchum stepped in, May's life was destined to change :D
Go Ashy boy!
| Ammyst chapter 6 . 3/19/2013
A lesbian Dawn you say? Hmm thats an interesting thought. Other then that, May is shaping into someone I'm liking a fair bit.
| lucarioADV chapter 7 . 3/19/2013
WOW so ironic, but I guess what goes around comes around. Oh snap, is the thief Norman? That would make the situation more tense. Drew got introduced and just like the anime he sure can be a dick. The scene where May stole his ribbon had me cracking up. Like this story couldn't get any better, great chapter and I can't wait for the next
| The Shadow Gryphon chapter 7 . 3/19/2013
Oh, the irony! Stupid Drew...
| Ammyst chapter 3 . 3/19/2013
Omg they hugged. ;) Nah this is a really unique idea and I'm highly enjoying. Goodwork as always Shiny.
| XxMuffinSlayerxX chapter 7 . 3/19/2013
May... You are really messing up. C'mon you'll be better than drew soon! SO DON'T STEAL YOU CAN HUG ASH WITHOUT STEALING OKAY?! And Ash... He's so sweet :3 and the whole fanny pack thief thing intrigues me... Anyway good job as always!
| The blue Shaymin chapter 7 . 3/19/2013
It was sssooooooo short 8(... I still like it, so when is there bond going to strengthen