|Reviews for Draco and Harry: an eternal love|
| Vayga chapter 11 . 12/5/2019
Hi there !
First things first... I enjoyed this story, in some level. And I read it 'till the end, because I've read far worse than that, and I just want to read it all before posting.
Nonetheless, there ARE things that disturb me, so I'll point them out.
1) The main problem to me is the plot - or rather the lack of. I know this is romance, and yeah, it revolves around Harry and Draco, but... I found myself rather disappointed.
a) Harry seems like a kind of Gary-Tsu ("A male version of a Mary Sue. seemingly perfect character with no flaws, or who always overpowers other characters" - Urban Dictionary). He's not all powerful, but EVERY guy in the school is drooling after him (... safe for Draco's and Harry's friends apparently), he's described as the cutest thing ever, and so on and so forth.
b) This is yaoi, slash, whatever you want to call it. But it does not seem realistic that pratically all of the male main characters are paired together. That and, to me, they all act like teenaged girls in crush - too much flourish and "I love you" and tears for me. And all of the mpreg seems too sudden to me. I felt like the whole story was an excuse for mpreg and slash - that's certainly not, but that's how I experienced it.
c) Let's talk about rape. I have nothing against it in fiction - but I have something against it being used and misused and overused. Rape does not need to be described to make an impact on the reader, and implying it would make stories (partly) about it all the more easier and even better to read. I don't really see the need for it either : if you want to make your characters suffer, make certain there's a good reason for it, otherwise there is every chance your story will suffer from it - or make it the point of your story and make it a drama, tragedy, angst or even hurt/comfort story.
Like I said, if you really wanted to have rape in this story, implying would have been enough.
BONUS if we can call it that) As I've seen in some review, a disclaimer about the rape scenes would have been necessary - it may be in the summary, but without disclaimer, we could think that there will just be brief mentions of it. There's no disclaimer in the summary, concerned chapters or even at the beginning of the scenes.
2) Now let's talk about the way this story is written - that's a good first shot for a story not in your main language, but things can always get better, nah ?
a) There wasn't enough description to my tastes. This may be fanfiction, but I would still have liked less dialogues and more descriptions - I had too much information about the characters and how they felt about each other in what they said, more than what they didn't say. I would have found it most cute, Harry and Draco holding hands and blushing, or just looking at each other in the eye. When you can imply something rather than show it, just do that - that's my way of life.
b) About implying rather than showing... well, not doing any lemon if you don't feel like it is a very good point ! I find it hard to read something strained, all the more when it involves sex. You could have gone further and not even mentioned when you felt like they should have sex (suggestion is your ally !) but well... that's okay.
c) I think the characters would need more development. It comes hand in hand with the fact that I find this story rushed : there's too much in too short a space. We all like to get to the point we find interesting, but a bit of filling the gaps is a good thing ! When there's not much action, you can show how the different relationships evolve bit by tiny bit, how the characters feel and think, lay the foundations for new plot ideas... There's a plenty of possibilities of how you could develop your story to make it deeper.
While this may seem as a very negative review, I don't think that all is bad in your story ! I have very high standards when I read, be it fanfictions or novels, and not everyone will meet them, but that doesn't mean that those who do not are bad writers or anything. Mainly, I found this story rushed and with patterns I've already seen in way too many fanfictions - but I would lie if I said that I didn't suspect that when I clicked. I hope to be surprised by a story that will make me feel like it's new and I haven't already read the plot, but well, I may have too high expectations...
Anyway, good job, whatever you feel like writing, write it ! Don't let my opinion change the way you write if you don't like some of the things I said : that's my point of view, things that I think you could improve because that's what I prefer reading - take what helps you and leave what you don't want !
Have a nice day.
| Midfangnightwolf chapter 4 . 3/30/2019
The friends are like a mini family! Oh and congratulations moony
| Midfangnightwolf chapter 3 . 3/30/2019
they will have to run from sirius and severus!
| Midfangnightwolf chapter 2 . 3/30/2019
When I'm doing offer a lemon drop
| Midfangnightwolf chapter 1 . 3/30/2019
| Katt Kiki chapter 11 . 3/11/2019
Just read the whole thing luv it and the best writing from a non-native English speaker I have ever read
| Leah Britten chapter 11 . 2/3/2019
Awww cute ending! :)
| Guest chapter 2 . 7/3/2018
I love Ron’s helpful raised fist classic
| Guest chapter 11 . 1/18/2018
| missykissy2249 chapter 2 . 9/20/2017
Who else thought that when dumy(his nickname from me) said lemon drop thought of a fanfic lemon
| Ghostgirl chapter 5 . 8/27/2017
Poor Siri he might need life alert
| QueenViperaAzarathofCamelot chapter 11 . 7/20/2017
Good story. I can't wait for what will happen next time.
| Guest chapter 1 . 6/28/2017
Character's where super ooc but the story is great.
| unclematt86 chapter 11 . 2/13/2017
Omg like it please tell me u r gonna continue it
| alinefgs chapter 11 . 8/29/2016
Tô adorando essa fic bjs continua