|Reviews for Eyes of the Storm|
| Foxwolf22 chapter 1 . 2/8/2013
'Blue eyes stared up blankly at the ceiling, the teenager attached to them laying calmly on his bed with hands folded and ears alert.'
I love that line. Even without the added irony, it's an awesome way to start off the story. Keep it up!
| CRITICly Anonymous chapter 3 . 12/20/2012
Overall, this seems to be a rather well written story. There are a couple things that could use some improvement, however:
In the second chapter, there seems to be too many "Ian's". Use pronouns more often when it comes to beginning sentences.
Furthermore, there also seem to be some rather redundant words scattered about, however seeing other reviews it seems that's already been addressed.
Sentence structure can be improved. For example, "Its fur was matted with blood everywhere possible, its blue and yellow fur sticking up at odd angles from the dried bits." This can be changed to "Its blue and yellow fur was matted with blood and sticking up at odd angles."
Another thing is detail. You're providing too much detail. While detail is good, too much will bore the reader to the point where they are scanning the story for major details.
When it comes to content, chapters 1 and 2 were good. Chapter 3 however put too much emphasis on the feuding pokemon. There needs to be a balance between both Ian and the feuding families.
This story is rather interesting, however. The division of chapters is pretty good, as well. Many authors either divide chapters too early or put too much content within one chapter. I look forward to seeing how this tale ends.
| TheAwsomeOpossum chapter 3 . 12/19/2012
Hey, it's TAO from the Review Thread.
Anyways, I thought I'd start with some things I think you could fix.
"He wasn't unfit or anything but the weight of his backpack tugged at him and the additional energy afforded him by the brief adrenaline rush was nearly spent."
In this sentence, get rid of the "or anything", I'd suggest.
"Around the raticate several electrikes lay in the dust gently moaning, only identifiable to Ian because a few of them happened to moan their name out as many pokemon did."
I'd suggest you get put the 'as many Pokemon did' in parentheses. It'll separate the ideas and make it sound clearer.
"Across from the two of them were three pokemon: a manectric, and two ragged looking electrikes."
Get rid of 'of them' and change 'three pokemon' for 'their three opponents'.
"The standoff lasted for several long, stretched out seconds as Ian desperately scrabbled for sensory info, seeming only capable of realizing the wrongness of the situation before him."
This doesn't make sense. Perhaps, "As the standoff stretched out, Ian desperately wondered what he should do to stop the wrongness that was happening before him." Or something like that.
Now for some compliments. I love your description; it is just wonderful! That paragraph with the magnetric stood out, in it's detail and poetry. Keep writing stuff like that, it makes your writing stand out! The way you wrote it also helped keep me curious about the story, which is always a good thing. Keep working on this story, and I'm sure it will turn into something wonderful! Great job!
| The Roman Disaster chapter 2 . 12/15/2012
You know, I love how you describe things - like how you described the landscape as "painted with the fading oranges and purples of dusk, the grass glinting with yellow light as it waved". It isn't too much, it isn't too little either. :3 I like it.
But, to be honest, I didn't understand what 'keel over' meant. But that's what Google is for... Hang on. I got it. Oh, and yeah, I suddenly shuddered when I saw that he touched the Rapidash's bone. I wonder what could be responsible for such a thing... Probably an evil organization with Team for the first word of their cover name and the other one is of whichever?
But other than that, great chapter you have there. :D I'm interested to find out what happens next!
| The Roman Disaster chapter 1 . 12/15/2012
At first I thought this would be a normal trainer story, but I literally gasped when I read the lines 'After all, he was blind.' And then I thought ... this journey is going to end up better and better! High five, bro! This seems to be an interesting story, too. What's going to happen next, I wonder? How is he gonna receive his first Pokemon? :O Is his first Pokemon going to be ... a Rattata?
The way you set it in an original region makes it more interesting - it isn't anywhere like Kanto, like most Original Trainers do - get Pokemon from respective Professor, beat Brock, beat Misty, et cetera. This way, it would be all unexpected. An original region with new Gym Leaders, new people! How glorious!
There's a second chapter! I must go!
| Dilectus chapter 2 . 12/13/2012
You really captured Ian's situation well, and the rapidash's. When he hit that bone, I cringed a little.
That last sentence:
"Ian silently prayed the rapidash wouldn't keel over before he reached it..."
"Keel over" is more of a slang term for informal interaction with a friend or colleague and it's not usually a good idea to use this kind of language in literature. I can't even tell you how many points I lost on essays for it. Also, "and could help" seems like it's missing something or just doesn't belong in that format without commas or some form of separator.
I would rewrite like this:
"Ian silently prayed that the rapidash would not perish before he could reach it as he abandoned his cane to pursue the injured beast."
Good job on the story, I can't wait for the next chapter!
| Dilectus chapter 1 . 12/13/2012
wow, that's different, a blind trainer. I only saw one place I think could use improvement(keep in mind, I'm no expert. This is just how I would write it):
original "His inspection done he closed everything back up and slipped it onto his back."
"With his inspection done, he closed everything back up and slipped it onto his back."
Now about the story: I'm hooked already, this story looks interesting.
| FirebirdXoX chapter 1 . 11/24/2012
Ah, I wasn't aware you had posted this yet!
Still, congratulations on publishing your first story. Not many people (myself included) can boast that their first story on FFN is as well-written as this one! True, there are a few things to improve on, but it's obvious you have natural talent, and the only way you can go from here is up!
This was a good introductory chapter, and Ian is already unique because of his blindness. Just make sure you make his personality apparent, so that his handicap doesn't define him. Other than that, this is solid so far.
Keep up the good work
| CodePink chapter 1 . 11/23/2012
To be honest, I thought it was going to be another cookie-cutter Pokemon story. My jaw-dropped after you mentioned he was blind. Good read, hope to see more. A piece of advice is to include a bit more in each chapter in the future if you're able to do so.