|Reviews for 60 Seconds|
| SunnyStorms chapter 46 . 7/10/2013
Another drabble with a strong ending. I loved the details you gave the cane - it's plain and it's roughly carved but it's more valuable than anything 'better' the Capitol could offer Tallow because of the meaning attached to the cane. Poignant. Tallow comes across as quite a strong individual in defiance of how others may judge him for needing a cane.
A couple suggestions here:
/Bell sees the way the other tributes, even those from outlying districts look at him./ -flow here is a bit choppy. I think it sounds better to keep the first phrase together: "Bell sees the way the other tributes look at him, even those from outlying districts."
/offered him a better one now they were in the Capitol/ -This is going to mess with your word count, but I believe there's a missing "that" here - "better one now that they were..."
| SunnyStorms chapter 45 . 7/10/2013
Hmm...this one was another that was hard to follow.
It wasn't clear to me at first who spoke the first line. Then I figured out it's between Seeder and Chaff. Knowing Chaff spoke the first line though, it doesn't make sense to me.
/"It's easy isn't it?" Chaff's white knuckles on the glass he holds shows it was not./ -SpaG: should be "show" (white knuckles is the subject)
-What is easy and why does his white knuckles show that it's not? At first I thought the white knuckles referred to him holding the glass tightly, indicating that he knows it isn't easy, but that didn't make sense when I found out it was likely Chaff that asked the first question.
I think these two lines were meant to be dialogue but they're missing quotation marks which also added to my confusion: /I'm going to say goodnight to them./ and /Well that's not his choice./
I'm not getting what the decision made was, and without knowing that, this drabble leaves me in confusion. Quotes instead of italics were a good choice though for this drabble.
| SunnyStorms chapter 44 . 7/10/2013
This definitely conveyed the emotion of sadness across. Nice touch with her ordering the dessert in memory of them and then falling to pieces afterwards. At first because she's dialing for the kitchens and asking for desert, I thought of her as being another self-absorbed, oblivious citizen of the Capitol in regards to the tributes' plight - indulging and relaxing now that her job is done. That was great the way you turned that into showing that she did care. I wonder what it was about these two tributes that had her crying for the first time.
| SunnyStorms chapter 43 . 7/10/2013
Wow, I wouldn't have expected her to go so far for her tributes. That's incredible of her. I do believe this is a character of your own creation, and you've definitely created an intriguing OC in just two short drabbles that I've already taken a liking to. I'd love to know more about what it is that is driving her to be willing to go to that extent for her tributes to the point of essentially selling her body as well. I'm a bit confused by the intro line though. I'm not sure exactly what you meant by: /It has been a full day since the pair of victors have surfaced./
| SunnyStorms chapter 42 . 7/10/2013
I can just imagine the mentors from District 6 doing this, and I loved the way you described it: /Their fingers are brown to the second knuckle with gravy. They glisten./ Interesting that you have an escort stepping up for the role that the mentors aren't fulfilling - it shows that she cares, emphasized by not just what she said but that she spoke it softly. As a result, even with such a short appearance, I like Tabitha already.
A couple suggestions for this one:
/Sella looks at the pair of them and her face is a study./ -This will mess with your word count, but I feel it might work better to mention the mentors right away so that we can jump right into picturing the scene instead having a fuzzy question mark as to what Sella is looking at. Even later on when the mentors are mentioned, it doesn't connect very smoothly to the earlier line that they're the pair Sella was looking at. Secondly, the "her face is a study" doesn't really give a good image of what her face is like. I think you could find a better way to describe it.
| SunnyStorms chapter 41 . 7/10/2013
Stanton sounds like he's fairly new to the job. I can't imagine you could be in this line of work for too long without encountering distraught tributes. It's nice to see that he's not all callous and indifferent to them or brainwashed to overlook it all cheerfully. He's earnest about his job, we can tell from the details you give us. I'm quite intrigued as to what might be going on in his head after this incident and how he'll approach his work from now on. Nice job describing the distress of the tributes as well. The emotions came across well for me.
| SunnyStorms chapter 40 . 7/10/2013
Dang. I remembered the detail about the Capitol being obsessed with the two of them, but it never crossed my mind that the Capitol people might have paid for them as a pair. But given what the Capitol is already doing, it's not much of a stretch to think that this may have happened. This drabble really packed a punch. That was a great choice on your part to elaborate that the siblings had grown apart. It gave what then happens to them even more impact. What an unbelievable way to be connected again.
/Gloss helps her with the zip on her dress and in the car they talk. About how ridiculous the man sounds when he comes, or his wife's Botox mistake. They never mention each other, and in the morning, their eyes don't meet./ -This bit is just so evocative. It says so much more than I can put into words. Well done. I'm glad that the incest bit wasn't used here to titillate but to really show the extent of the debauchery and depravity of the Capitol.
As an aside: I also think the last drabble and possibly this one more appropriately calls for an M-rating for your story.
| SunnyStorms chapter 39 . 7/10/2013
The prostitution of Victors is one of the aspects I find most sickening about the Capitol's ways. I feel terrible for the characters.
/Once Finnick is old enough, the demand for Gloss slows./ -So at first I was like, well at least he gets a break even thought it's terrible for Finnick.
/Now his waiting list is months, not years long./ -and then I was like, nope, still bad, just not as bad in comparison.
/and come away with bruises on their necks to show off like trophies./ - Urg, but what a detail to give to show how crazy the Capitol people are.
This drabble as a whole wasn't as effective for me because it wasn't as focused. I think I would've liked it to devote more words to elaborating about Gloss instead of about the tastes of the Capitol people in terms of the other Victors.
| AprilLittle chapter 47 . 7/10/2013
Of course Jersey knew . . . and what else could he do but hold back the real truth? No need to weigh Stock down on his first time with worries of all the horrible times to come.
| SunnyStorms chapter 38 . 7/10/2013
Loved your elaborations here. Again, great choice of details that reflect and evoke what the Capitol is all about. For one, there's the fact that the suit is especially made for an occasion that will only last an hour - it's showy and an obvious excess. There's a lot of value put on appearances as the ending line emphatically indicates: /Sable has worked for fifteen years to get assigned to such an aesthetically pleasing district./ Horrid that so far in the future, value is still being placed on something so shallow, and that there's a specific aesthetic that is valued above all.
| SunnyStorms chapter 37 . 7/10/2013
Great little moment elaborated here. I loved the way you connected his choice of strategy with how it reminds him of home. Really lovely description there: /All the waist high stalks move in time to the soft breeze and he fancies it carries the scent of their husks./ - the choice of wording nicely evokes the comfort the memory must hold for him. Nice touch too to have that little moment of silent communication and understanding between him and his district partner.
| SunnyStorms chapter 36 . 7/10/2013
I adore Annie and Finnick, so I love the detail here of her wearing his shirt. The rest of the drabble though didn't get much of a strong reaction from me. Annie seems so clear and rational here such that I didn't feel that the drabble really captured who she is as a character. The way you wrote her discovery of a possibly dead Mag also came across kind of flat, very non-emotional, and then what normally would be a sad, frightening, or shocking scene is paired oddly with the adjective "hopeful" in the last line. That confused me. Perhaps you are trying to say something else with this drabble that I am not getting? I'm more critical of this drabble, but you must know that I think you are an excellent writer. One drabble that I didn't think was as strong doesn't change that.
| SunnyStorms chapter 35 . 7/10/2013
Ha, what a clear example here of a character completely ensconced in the Capitol's model mindset. Great bit of characterization in just 100 words. Nice choice of detail in the gold pen to start - it reflects on the decadence and frivolous excess of the Capitol. Parties vs. Cruelty - clever play there and again brings up the contrast between the Districts and the Capitol's citizens' outlook and way of life. And at the end, what better way to portray the escort's indifference than to mention that she doesn't even bother to learn the tributes' names. And the fact that she goes on so happily and misses the tribute's disbelief shows her off to be as oblivious and sheep-brained as the best of the Capitol's citizens. Though with some additional development, this act here could also be played off as calculated on the Escort's part to distance herself and not get attached.
| SunnyStorms chapter 34 . 7/10/2013
The story of the tributes I feel are in some ways even more tragic after they've 'won'. Like here. For him to introduce her to the addiction, dang. But likely it's also his way of helping her cope. I liked how you built up the detail of what the addiction has done to him without saying it directly by mentioning how he looks unbelievably older and how people are talking of how he *used* to be. Loved the flow of the phrases in that section as well.
Minor SpaG-related things:
-/If she didn't know that he won only ten years ago, she would not believe it./ -the verb tense sounds off here with the surrounding lines.
-/Everyone in the District remembers the year he won, they still talk about it. / - comma splice
| SunnyStorms chapter 33 . 7/10/2013
What a grave first line indeed. Really set things up for the descriptions that follow of the sickly tributes. Great description there.
/The air is thick, the sky always grey with smog, and very close and heavy overhead./ -I like the details being given here, but it does sound a bit clunky to me with that bit at the end as its arrangement doesn't follow the rhythm of the first two phrases of the line.
I liked how you phrased the last two lines. They definitely gave off this sense of wonder and longing on Harlan's part.