|Reviews for 60 Seconds|
| SunnyStorms chapter 33 . 7/10/2013
What a grave first line indeed. Really set things up for the descriptions that follow of the sickly tributes. Great description there.
/The air is thick, the sky always grey with smog, and very close and heavy overhead./ -I like the details being given here, but it does sound a bit clunky to me with that bit at the end as its arrangement doesn't follow the rhythm of the first two phrases of the line.
I liked how you phrased the last two lines. They definitely gave off this sense of wonder and longing on Harlan's part.
| SunnyStorms chapter 32 . 7/10/2013
A very fitting drabble for a morphling. Loved how through your descriptions, you gave colors movement and life as I imagine they would appear to the character. Particularly memorial to me was the description of purple as dangerous.
/Looking through one of those smeared patches,/ -the use of "those" doesn't sound quite right here, I feel "the" fits better instead.
Overall, very nice imagery in this one. I liked how it ended with everything swirled together, but red (the color with connotations of blood and violence and burning) is predominant.
| SunnyStorms chapter 31 . 7/10/2013
Great choice for what happened when Fallow made the mistake of being charitable openly - it's something I can very much believe the Capitol would do. A sly cruelty in that they don't punish him directly but still found a way to send the message very clearly to him to stop what he's doing. I liked that it didn't deter him though - he found his own sly way to go about it. It was also funny and cute at the end about the children "complaining only a little too loudly about their times tables."
| SunnyStorms chapter 30 . 7/10/2013
Loved the simile comparing the whip to a coiled snake - very vivid and effective. The brief action scene was written well too with short and crisp phrasing so that it moved right along pace-wise and with imagery that evoked the brutality of the games so clearly. It's all the more vivid and evocative because you tied it in with her memories of home, both in comparison "like being gored" and in contrast "Except one of her father's bulls would have charged up to make sure she was dead. It wouldn't just turn to the next kill."
This was a very effective drabble over all. One of the standouts for me so far. Loved the phrasing of this bit in particular: /In the seconds she loses, she loses the game too, because the spear in her lung is like being gored./
| SunnyStorms chapter 29 . 7/10/2013
So she is dyslexic? With all the technological advances of this world, I would like to think that they would've recognize the disorder and have found a way to help her with it. What's telling and sad here is that she's absolutely convinced neither her nor her partner has a chance at the games however smart she might be - /Calci *knows* it will be 146 in a few days' time./ I can't imagine what it would be like going into the games knowing such odds are stacked against you - 73 years, 144 lives lost, and only two who have ever made it. That was a smooth way to tie her love of numbers with the games.
| SunnyStorms chapter 28 . 7/10/2013
The beginning lines: once more, nice job with the choice of detail to connect the character's current circumstances in the Capitol with their past life in the Districts.
This was a poignant one. I was a bit puzzled at first about why he couldn't remember his sister's name, but then I looked him up and remembered that he's an older character thought to be going senile. Great choice of a line in that regard - it's a detail that speaks to the horror and trauma that the games inflict. Here's a man going senile and the details that ought to be dear to anyone's heart, like the names of loved ones, are slipping away from him but the hunger games had made such a traumatic impact that he can't ever forget. Quite a powerful statement there.
| SunnyStorms chapter 27 . 7/10/2013
I liked that you had the mentors point to her as one - nice way to show they're united against her treatment of Cato. I'm wondering what's going to happen to her.
A little nuanced point here: /Brutus punctuates a point with his fist, her headache throbs./ - I'm guessing you mean that his loudness makes her head throb, but it can be read weirdly as the punctuating of the point with his fist is what makes her head throb which of course doesn't make sense.
Coreen is terrible for what she's done, but at the same time I can't help but feel a slight twinge of sympathy for her here because she's going to pay for something she didn't do.
On the connected story as a whole, I liked the progression once I got it, but I really did have to work at it to understand it so I think there will likely be others reading it who are going to be confused. I wonder if it's a confusion that some change of phrasing or an Author's note mention might help clear up.
| SunnyStorms chapter 26 . 7/10/2013
Okay, it took me a bit to get the significance of what the gossip will pass on that would get Coreen booted. I forgot that as a mentor, Fallon is a tribute, and can't be slept with for free. Fallon thinks very lowly of the preps doesn't he? They aren't even worthy of names for him. That combined with the way you wrote the preps - I can just imagine them as these silly, gossipy things. It added a comedic element to this scene.
One thing I wondered about was who was speaking here: /Would you keep a secret?/
| SunnyStorms chapter 25 . 7/10/2013
I saw that you said these four are connected, which I'm glad as I definitely would've been dying to know what the fingernail thing was about, what purpose it was going to serve in regards to Coreen. It's a short dialogue exchange but it's great that you still managed to capture a distinct personality between the two characters with both what they're saying and their mannerisms.
Something that stood out to me: /*She has been at Cato then.* All the mentors know about it./ -The second sentence following the dialogue seemed out of place. I'm not sure how to explain it. I think it's a POV thing in that it reads like a thought of the POV person but it doesn't feel like something Enobaria would be thinking right then. I don't think you need it at all really. We understand what's going on just fine without that sentence.
Onward to the next drabble to see what this is all about.
| SunnyStorms chapter 24 . 7/10/2013
This one was harder to follow and the flow wasn't as smooth as your other drabbles. Had to reread it several times to figure out what was going on. I think I got it now - so the mentor slept with the other tribute and the escort slept with Cato, or made advances on him at least?
I think what would help with clarity here is to connect Fallon as the mentor right away. Something like "and his mentor, Fallon, startles awake, looking too alert for someone woken after midnight" which of course would free up words to be shuffled into other lines. I guess another reason why it also took me a couple reads to get was that if the girl was the other tribute, I would have thought Cato would've realized it pretty much right away.
Once I got it though (or I think I did), the scenario is certainly an interesting one. Makes me wonder if the Capitol citizens ever tried to acquire a tribute for such purpose. They're certainly depraved enough to try I imagine.
| SunnyStorms chapter 23 . 7/9/2013
I liked the rhythm of the phrases that you echoed through this drabble with "Two tributes, two mentors, two stylists" and then repeated at the end with "Words to encourage, to soothe, to ease the fear". It gave a cohesive feel to the whole drabble. I thought it nicely echoed a beating heart too, which added to this driving feel of the drabble, waiting anxiously for the results for which Harley has no words to soothe. It also makes a compelling comment about the nature of the games that no words can be enough.
| SunnyStorms chapter 22 . 7/9/2013
Again, nice choice of details to contrast the tributes and the districts with the Capitol and its citizens. Here it's their skin, and the fact that President Snow's hands would be baby soft is a creepy detail that evokes the 'wrongness' of the Capitol, the aspects of it that makes one's skin crawl.
Lovely little moment between Rue and Thresh portrayed here, and again another good ending line. Rue's tears collecting in Thresh's palm makes for a very poignant, emotional image.
One little SpaG thing: /She wouldn't ask him/ - I think "won't" fits better tense-wise here.
| SunnyStorms chapter 21 . 7/9/2013
It's so adorable that he calls her little fish! A nice visceral image in this line too: /The white bone of his ribs show through rotten skin./ The rest of the hallucination has a comforting vibe so I liked that you had this bit of detail to indicate the horror part of the hallucinations.
/Mer staggers towards her brother, lost at sea./ - The "lost at sea" part in connection to the other half of the line doesn't quite make sense to me. Can you stagger towards someone lost at sea? It reads strangely.
/Who cares little fish, we're going home./ -Comma splice here as you have two independent clauses. First is also a question. SpaG aside, I loved the sentiment expressed in this closing line. It's bittersweet in that reality is far from this hallucination's promise of peace, and we also got clues through the dialogue that her brother likely had died in a shipwreck. This hallucination thus is still 'horrible' in a sense in that she'll return to a reality whose harshness will be sharpened in comparison to what she'd been hallucinating. I also thought the italicized dialogue worked very well for this drabble.
| persevera chapter 6 . 7/9/2013
I really like this one. Cedar's a good name.
[if he misses, at least he'll die quickly, not on a career's sword.]- That's beautifully expressed—the chance to die doing something he enjoys, rather than in a gruesome fight.
I love that he wanted to go higher than the top of the course.
And the last line...I suppose when someone does something like that, they get an adrenaline rush, but his is offset knowing that he still has to compete.
| persevera chapter 5 . 7/9/2013
So sweet. But it almost sounds like he's talking to a young daughter, rather than a lover. I understand her issues as a result of her games, but it's close to...creepy here, though I love the last line.
And I love the six anxious rings. He's desperate to talk to her and be assured that she's all right.