|Reviews for Pokegirls: Emerald|
| An0n1 chapter 9 . 1/4
Forgot to add, the sudden POV changes were a bit confusing. Had to re-read that part. Perhaps stick to your original style or add something to let readers know about the POV change?
References points were actually a nice bonus for me. Not disrupting, and readers have the choice of reading up more info or continuing with the story. Good stuff.
| An0n1 chapter 9 . 1/4
Unique, well-crafted plot so far. Despite taking 80k words to reach Oldale, it wasn't tedious at all! Nice character development, especially that of Ruri. I found her overly aggressive/dark/moody/secretive personality refreshing and interesting. Sean seemed to be a nice, easy-going guy, but when combined with a self-admitted sadistic streak and bouts of meekness when communicating with Ruri, the result was a little strange... in my opinion, while multi-faceted is sometimes good, there still should be a focused, clear personality.
Grammar-wise, only a couple minor typos/punctuation errors and sometimes an irregular switch between past and present tense, which was a tad confusing (personally, I only change for effect during flashbacks, etc). Everyone makes mistakes, and double-checking is understandably a boring thing to do, so this is just a little heads up.
Still new to this concept of Pokegirls, so I don't feel I can comment much on the content. Just surprised that a) Sean didn't even consider capturing a 3rd pokegirl yet and b) A level 5 Charamanda could injure a Damsel more than 10x her level (or something), and that the Damsel seemed to drift off mentally.
Fav bits: the initial introductions; the spin on Team Magma and Aqua (not so much the destroyer-bot, which sorta came out of the blue); the Killer Queen.
All in all, great story. Looking forward to updates!
| ravnicrasol chapter 9 . 1/2
Nice chapter. Using POV for the different harem members does seem to be rather interesting, though I guess it'd be best used when they do something other than just think.
A Damsel can take a Widow's Hyperbeam up-front and blink it off, not even a .50 cal would be able to really wound her. Consider it this way, it's like having 60 people lined up one behind the other. You shoot them with a .50 cal and I'm pretty sure you'll kill only a dozen at best... bad metaphor.
Either way, with a mere x6 endurance, a Killer Queen would be pretty messed up from a .50 cal at point blank. Though considering she's a bit like the Wolverine in terms of regeneration, there's still a chance she actually survived that... though I doubt she'd be able to move anytime soon.
The elemental rifle actually existed, but was taken out since "It's not for tamers", most had agreed that either the rifles were made such that humans in general were unable to use them, they were modified and hard to handle like a normal rifle or both. There was even a legendary item of a magic elemental gun or something along the lines...
Oh well. Keep up the good stories. And happy new year!
| Searine chapter 9 . 1/2
I like this story so I thought I would throw in my two cents.
The POV transitions were a little rough I had to read it through once to understand. At first I thought it was the front line fighter POV.
It was good though have a little insight into the girls mind but I caution against overdoing it, it is better to have some mystery to Seans girls. I would also put in some reason to change POV like why they are fighting the way they are when Sean can not see them.
I hope there is a little more to the fight like maybe he has not yet killed the Killer Queen or something like that.
| The-killer-of-007 chapter 9 . 12/23/2013
for PoV switch use the name of said pov in something like this "-'name'-"
and ahhhh is he going to kill some ones pg or is it a non-tamed one?
(P.s a lee that can fire .50 must be a true beast of a gun)
| zippythewondermonkey chapter 9 . 12/18/2013
great story want more
| UNSpacy000 chapter 9 . 12/16/2013
First, I'll address the questions you raised.
Changing from Sean to Ruri as the current POV was jarring, but it wasn't as jarring as the change from Ruri to Savanna. With that said, it was very interesting being in their heads. It fleshed out their characters somewhat and it allowed me to get more of a feel for them as people since they were not filtered through Sean's experience of them. It had been conveyed that Ruri didn't hold other pokegirls with much regard, but here it was shown how little empathy she had for them and how she disdained the fellow humans she learned with to the point where she is a sociopath. At this point, the only reason why she holds affection for Sean is because of their alpha bond and the power he has demonstrated to hold over her. Savanna seems to be the polar opposite in all things. From Sean's perspective, Savanna was a well loved and reasonably well adjusted girl that had a firm grip on her situation and life, but on the inside she might be just as messed up as Ruri since she has an absurdly naive outlook on the world. I would not have these insights otherwise, and I would feel less connected with them if this chapter had focused on just Sean. So the question becomes, do you want the story to be just about Sean and how he deals with things, or do you want to make it about Sean and the people he loves? If you just want it to be the Sean show, drop the other points of view. However, if you want the audience to connect and empathize with Sean and everyone in his harem, keep the different points of view but work on making the transitions less sudden and jarring. Adding whose POV it is in bold might help, or it might not. Experiment.
As for the references/footnotes, they are currently disruptive in this format on FFnet. This is mainly because I am unable to highlight the section where I am in the chapter while I scroll down to the bottom of the page to read the additional information. I would suggest either moving the relevant information closer to where it is mentioned in the text instead of being at the bottom of the page or somehow incorporating the information into the story. Your current setup with the footnotes works fine on other sites, and it used to work fine on FFnet, but it has become cumbersome with the current system the administration has put in place.
On to the story.
Sean's struggle with his pokedex was entertaining. I understand why you put the ellipses into the entry, but I could have lived without them.
I suppose a domina is going to be on Sean's list of pokegirls to acquire, but he isn't going to get one if he lets Ruri kill every feral they come across. I suppose he could win one in a salvage battle, but I don't think he would actively seek to put either Ruri or Savannah on the line.
The idea that the four tamers with pokegirls that don't break level twenty are going to attempt to hold a town against a horde of forty pokegirls of various types and levels and a level forty leader is just painful. The officerjenny's blind adherence to the laws were even more painful in its own way. These are some really telling signs about the league that Sean finds himself in at this time, and it does not paint a pretty picture. At least Sheriff Grant seems to be attempting to do something.
I initially thought that at the end of the current conflict that the sheriff would have Sean return the rifle and then discharge him of his deputy status, but then I stopped to think about it for a moment and came to the realization that if Norman shows up, learns about Sean's status as a deputy, and makes a calculated decision instead of spur of the moment decision, Sean could remain a deputy since it would be more advantageous for Norman. Being a member of law enforcement that effectively reports to Norman would make tracking Sean and Ruri so much easier for Norman. Then there are all sorts of other benefits as well. Norman could have an officerjenny assigned to Sean's harem and have her watch him like a hawk just waiting for him to break a law so Norman could swoop in and punish Sean while being both legal and justified. For Sean's sake, I hope Norman never finds out about this opportunity, he makes a knee-jerk decision and tosses Sean out of the law enforcement, or Sean subverts whatever pokegirl sent to be his watchdog.
The interlude with the Lane family was an interesting diversion. It certainly showed that the wheels of schemes were turning even in front of those that don't know any better. However, with the world as it is, I doubt Max would not know what had really happened. I'm not really sure if Max has any feeling on the matter of his sister at this point, but it seems that his parents have quite a number of them. Caroline's plunge into alcohol and her self doubt as to whether or not they did the right thing is actually very promising since it shows that on some level she cares for Ruri. As an side note, I think the dark elf servant would have deferred to Norman and cut Caroline off from the wine by the simple virtue that Norman has a penis and Caroline doesn't. In fact, if the dark elf ever meets up with Ruri, she might even congratulate her on thresholding into a strong pokegirl from her weak, dickless, and otherwise useless past self.
I've already commented on the change of perspectives, but something I hadn't caught before was that Ruri mentally refers to how Sean is just like her and doesn't mind killing people. Either that's a typo since she thinks of pokegirls as subhuman if she is thinking about the pokegirls she killed earlier and the pokegirls Sean is currently killing, or she really has no regard for sapient life human or otherwise.
Additionally, I'm not sure why he started counting down at 29 instead of 39 since there were initially 40 members of the horde. Similarly, Ruri seems to have no ability to count as. I guess that pureblood education wasn't worth much.
The fight with the killer queen was nicely done and had just the right amount of tension. The a-bra at the end is a surprise, and I don't see this ending well for Sean. Either his mind is going to get messed up with the flashback loop his mind is playing, or she'll turn out to be someone's pokegirl. Hopefully she'll talk to him before he shoots her if she belongs to someone.
I look forward to more of this story. Keep up the good work.
| GhostWagon chapter 9 . 12/15/2013
i really like the different POVs. seeing things form varying perspectives always flushes out the world view as well as insights on the characters through there observations and thoughts. i enjoyed it and hope you use it more.
| UNSpacy000 chapter 8 . 10/27/2013
The number of life threatening situations Sean has found himself in seems a bit much. On the other hand, I feel that you're doing a rather good job painting the PG world as the dystopian crapsack world with little glimmers of hope that it is rather well.
I really want to know more about Ruri's past and her father's recent actions and thoughts. Norman seems to have concerns for his daughter.
I wonder what happened to Crystal's angel and if Sean and his bunch of misfits will acquire her.
I'm enjoying this and look forward to more.
| ravnicrasol chapter 8 . 10/11/2013
Holly hell, I've just read the whole thing in one go and I'm really enjoying it.
You really know how to put a good dark spin into the story, and that's when usually the pokegirl universe already has a bit of a dark twist to begin wtih.
The only constructive criticism I've got is that it appears you're putting too much danger too quickly, but then again, that's my personal opinion. If I were Ruri I'd have Sean study all pokedex entries as quickly as possible so he can at least have a run-down knowledge of what to expect.
Also... a Killer Queen? Boy, he's in for a good one, wonder how that'll work out? Well, hope you've got the new part up soon.
| The-killer-of-007 chapter 8 . 10/3/2013
Ohh chap i hode he lives arfter this battle
| GhostWagon chapter 8 . 10/1/2013
like always i enjoyed reading it
| GhostWagon chapter 7 . 10/1/2013
| Zueskyte chapter 7 . 9/26/2013
I normally don't give reviews on stories; however, I have thoroughly enjoyed this one. It is well written, has great character development, and best of all amazing grammar for a fanfic. Keep up the great work.
| GhostWagon chapter 6 . 7/4/2013
i really enjoyed reading this. I'm surprised that there are so few reviews or follows for this fic. it is well written and shows a lot of personality which is impressive as I've seen it most personality in Fanfics is basically injected through the source material. there where times when i was laughing my ass off because of the main characters antics, and its nice to see that you can also handle heavier subjects such as Ruri's coming to terms with new identity as a pokegirl. this fic is better than most of the other pokegirl fics on this site i look forward to reading more.