|Reviews for Turn the Phase|
| TheWerdna chapter 5 . 8/27/2014
So um, hi. It's been awhile hasn't it. I still fully intend to review every chapter of this, it's just that every time I remember that I should review another one I am at work or otherwise can't review, and then forget by the time I am able to actually review. But anyways, now onto the review.
So, exposition dump on the Commission. It was handled well over all, though I'm curious how that information managed to survive eons of spiral races being destroyed. Probably dump luck in the face of logic, as that is sorta their thing, lol. Also nice to see Roseu's book being realevant, nice tying up of loose ends.
Also, bitter Simon's reaction is completely believable. His reaction was so when done, with him starting to shout "just who the hell do you think I am" only to then get quiet and all the energy dying from him again, really shows how broken he is from Nia's death, but yet the old Simon is still in there, somewhere. Burried.
A slight Perspective issue at the end, you describe Simon leaving in what the others see, even though it was in Simon's POV. He should not know that the state after him if his back is turned.
On odd thing I noticed reading this, which is honestly a issue outside this story's control, is that I have trouble figuring out what voice Simon should have in my head. I mean, I imagine everyone else sounding fine, but for Simon it keep flopping between his younger voice and the older version from the epilogue. I guess part of that is that I just associate his younger voice with the character, while logic says it should be the older one, confusing the heck out of my brain. Again, this is not a result of the story itself, just something I noticed and thus felt like bringing up.
| TheWerdna chapter 4 . 7/15/2014
Holy crap, I actually managed to review this after only one day without getting lazy? What is this madness?!
Eh hem, self deprecation aside, I really enjoyed this chapter, seeing Simon catch up with Dayakka was great. It was all wonderfully in character, with all the dialogue feeling completely natural. I have to agree with Simon on this one, Dayakka totally got the long end of the stick when it comes to his promotion. Low risk job that has him with his famility while everyone else got redeloyed elsewhere, not bad.
I still have to question what the hell Dayakka, Leeron and Guinble were thinking when they decided to just send in two Grapearls to fight a guy they knew full well was basically a one-man army. As badass as Gimmy and Darry are, it seems like a massive risk. I mean, at least use some the Laganns they recovered during the final battle. Oooh, or better yet, use Arc Gurren Lagann, or even Super Galaxy Gurren Lagann. That would be hilariously one sided (imagines the absolute curbstomp that would result.) Umm... maybe its a good thing that didn't happen actually, i mean, there would be no plot left for Simon and Nia to deal with, as hilarious as that one sided fight would be XP. But seriously, I have to question their plan on this one, seems like they have made things a lot less risky for Gimmy and Darry.
The one thing I felt a bit odd in this chapter was that Simon really didn't react in any way to, you know, seeing Nia appear in the sky not long ago. I mean, it makes sense that he got distracted by talking to Dayakka, but I'd think his initial reaction would be a bit less calm then he acted here.
Off the top of my head I can think of a few ways I might expect him to react. Does he question if he was just seeing things or not? Would he be excited that this may mean he'll be reunited with Nia soon? Or more concerned by it, worried since the dead are manifesting themselves which could indicate the Spiral Nemesis is near? Does it dredge up emotions he'd tried he best to bury, with seeing Nia now renewed the pain of losing her, making the wound feel fresh. It just feels anti-climatic that he is just so calm about it, but again, thats just my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt.
| TheWerdna chapter 3 . 7/14/2014
So, remember how I said I was going to try to be less lazy about doing these reviews... *looks at calendar, a week has passed*. Yeah, I'll try to be better at this than last time.
Right, overall comments. Loved the interaction between Nia and Leaping Stag, nice to see Nia being all tough and confident like that. Its easy to forget sometimes that Nia is tough when she needs to be, and is by no means helpless. Best description I've ever heard for her in this regard is that she's like cotton candy surrounding a diamond, which really fits how she's written here. You got the balance down so well, with Nia coming across as both adorable and tough at the same time, so serious props in that regard.
In terms of whats going on, I kinda get the feeling Nia isn't all that practiced at the whole "intimidating" thing. I mean, its not her fault she is just so damn sweet and can't really pull off menacingness (that's a word, right?). Too bad the messenger Nia part of her isn't still around for situations like these, but then again, maybe thats for the best. Destroying all Spiral Life bad and all that.
Also, the "pissing-off-person" callsbacks still make me grin like an idiot every time I read this.
Honestly, not much else to really say on this one, the chapter accomplished what it needed to do in establishing the source of the conflict and the 'villain' (antagonist? Anti-hero? Guy possessed by actual villain? I have no real constructive criticism on this one, which I guess balances things out with the super long tangent I went on last time in regards to perspective. Sorry if it seemed like I was getting really negative in that review, I was having a hard time getting across what i meant. I really do love this story a ton, with any constructive criticism being mostly nitpicky or minor in the face of an overall good story.
| TheWerdna chapter 2 . 7/8/2014
Okay, probably a few days later than I would have liked, but I'm back to leave yet another agonizingly in depth review for the story. I'll try to be a bit less lazy from now on, since dammit does this story deserve more love then its got.
Right then, first off my overall thoughts of this chapter. While it seems a bit odd to me at first, I think throwing the reader into the action between Gimmy and Darry vs Leaping Stag without much context was an brilliant move. It makes it sudden, almost jarring but in a good way. It gives the situation a severity to it, with my first thoughts when reading something this... "Okay, woah, whats going. On. Holy crap, what are- woh, who the hell is this guy. Oh crap, this isn't good."
The scene with Simon and L.T. seeing Nia's image appearing in the sky worked really well in tying the two scenes together, while also working really well in forcing Simon to come head to head with the plot, so to speak. Simon's reaction was very good here, a good mix of shock, wonderment, and overall feeling like he doesn't really know how to react. Should he be happy? Alarmed? At least, thats what I took away from it.
One small thing I'd also like to also say, though its none the less important for it, is that the callback to Nia's "PLEASE STOP THIS" moment made me smile a ton. So nice to see that even after having grown up quite a deal between the 2ed and 3ed arcs and then spent fifteen years in the afterlife, there still a bit of the sweet, bubbly princess we all first got to know in Nia somewhere.
Now with general thoughts are out of the way, I shall now move onto a lingering question/musings thing I still have after reading this: for such a dangerous mission, why the heck were Gimmy and Darry using Graperals? Okay, I actually KNOW the reason for this, continuity with the epilogue and all that, so this question is kinda aimed at the character more than you as the writer. But seriously, what the hell were they thinking. Wouldn't Gurren Lagann, or heck, even one of the dozen or so Laganns that were recovered during the final battle (with a body, of course) have been a better choice. I mean, it was just the two of them, so wouldn't a mech that is *designed* to channel spiral power have given them an edge here. They mention later that everyone knew this was a risk, so why not play their biggest cards to avoid nearly losing two of their best fighters. Gah, I'll stop rambling here, I just want to smack whoever came up with the gameplan for that mission. (though maybe this is just bias, since I think a fight between Gurren Lagann and Leaping Stag's gunman would be freaken awesome)
Right, now with that out of the way, time for the critique itself.
The dialogue continues to be very solid, with the overall plot being incredibly compelling. The detail and effort you went through in crafting the story is astounding, I can really tell that you put your whole heart and soul into writing this. I really have nothing bad to say in terms of that, so I guess now to touch on the few points of constructive criticism i have in regards to the writing itself
One thing I have noticed a bit more in this chapter was an inconsistency in perspective the story is told from. At some points the story seems to be written from Third Person Limited (written in third person but sticking to the perspective of a single character), while occasionally slips into Third Person Omniscient mode (written with the thoughts of all characters know, with different paragraphs being from different perspectives) with. This is really noticeable in the second part of the chapter, where its from L.T.'s point of view for the most part, but a few parts seem to be written from Simon's POV(point of view). An example would be...
-"Lost...nearly all...control surfaces," he managed to point out as one of the damaged mechs tried valiantly yet vainly to guide them both down safely. "Hope...they activated...radiobeacons..."-
...where Simon's action between the dialogue is written as it is from his point of view, rather than as if LT was observing it. Another noticeable example is in chapter 1, where the afterlife scene starts in Nia's point of view, but then suddenly jumps to Kamina's without a break after she disappears. While there is nothing wrong with going for Third Person Omniscient, it does feel like its somewhere in between the two. If going for third person limited, everything should still be rooted within a characters head. Description of characters and actions should still be written to be as the POV character is seeing it, changes in POV should be indicated with a line break, limited thoughts should be limited to the POV character of the scene (something that crops up a slight bit in later chapter, I'll point them out then). Sorry if I am really harping on this, but I am only bringing it up because this is something that I keep getting yelled at about in my own stories by my beta readers, so I've grown adapt at noticing this sort of thing. This is not an easy thing to do, believe me, I still struggle on this all the damn time. Still, thought it was a good idea to bring it up.
Another smaller point is that I feel like the fight scene could have been punchier and more intense. The set up and how it was handled worked very well, as I mentioned before, but it still got a bit bogged down by all the talking. They had time to talk in what were honestly long sentences, which made it felt like that had plenty of time. I think it would have just felt so much more intense if their dialogue had been quick, short, blunt, like they had barely enough time to communicate inbetween attacks. Would have made it feel so much more intense and nail biting then it already was.
Anyhow, thats all i have for now. Despite my longish points of constructive criticism, know that they are honestly small complaints in regards to an overall very good chapter. So yeah, great job, and now, onto the next one!
| TheWerdna chapter 1 . 7/5/2014
I first read this story about a month ago after I'd finished watching Gurren Lagann for the first time, which as I mentioned in the single review I left then helped me cope with the sadness the show's ending had left with me. Well since that time I have found myself coming back to this story to reread it, generally whenever I feel the depression over TTGL's conclusion creeping its ugly head. Considering this, I recently thought "you know what, considering how much this story has helped me, I should probably go back and leave indepth reviews for every chapter. It's the least I can do." Which is what I am going to be doing now.
So over the next few days (or weeks... I wouldn't put it past me to be lazy) I will be reviewing each chapter, giving my thoughts/comments on story/plot aspects, give praise for the things I liked, as well as leave any constructive criticism I can find. Basically all the good stuff that I myself as a writer always love to get in response to my own work. Anyhow, anything I will be leaving here is purely opinion based, so take all criticism (or praise for that matter) with a healthy dose of salt. Anyhow, enough rambling, onto the review proper.
As for a start of the story it does a very good job setting the stage for the story. I loved the interaction with Kamina and Nia in the afterlife, so much so I wish there was more of it. They both interacted with one another exactly the way I would have imagined they would, so good work there. Another thing that worked well was the characterization on older Simon, as that is an area up that the show really leaves up for interpretation due to not much of him being shown. I think it strikes a good balance here, having him still acting very much like Simon, but now more weary and gruff then before. I lot of the "loveable dorkyness" that Simon still had even following the timeskip is gone, which makes sense. It really feels like this change does come out of bitterness, having had the future he'd been fighting for himself taken away when Nia died. Also, it felt fitting for there to be even more Kaminaisms in the way he talks, considering how being a bit more bitter and melancholy then before Nia died seems to have made him a bit ruder.
Now, onto something that I will admit I was not too keen on the first time I read the story, which was the introduction of a new character in the form of L.T, which I was at first very concerned about. This was not because of anything to do with this story itself, but rather that I tend to be generally ill-disposed towards OCs added as part of fanfics. And can you blame me, there are so many fanfics where this just does not work out well, with OCs ending up becoming Marry Sue's and the like. Thankfully it did not end up that way, but I still was damn worried the first time I read this due to all the bad experiences I've had in the past.
What I found curious to me is that Nia isn't worried that her taking up the Commission will mean that she *never* gets to see Simon again, but rather that it *might* mean that. I'm not sure if I interpreted this correctly, but I came to the conclusion that Nia (and Kamina for that matter, if I am interpreting his dialogue correctly) must have known that Simon was being considered for the other half of the Commission, perhaps Lordgenome. Hell, it even seems like she was trying to influence events a bit to direct Simon towards that path, so maybe I am interpreting it correctly. Or I could just be overthinking it, lol.
Another thing that struck me as odd at first was where the story falls chronologically in the timeline, taking place fifteen years after the show's events. The reason that this well odd was because the epilogue was supposed to be twenty years later, and the story for the most part seemed (at first anyways) to be set after that. However, the more I thought about it, this made sense. Besides the one line in the epilogue inferring that none of the other characters have seen Simon in those twenty years, there is nothing to really contradict that. Also, it seems to actually fix the inconsistency between the show's and movie's epilogues in regards to what happens to Nia's ring. The way I took it is that the scene in the movie with Simon still having her ring would be before this story, while the show's is after, as the ring is then shown to be on her memorial. Also, having this story before the epilogue would explain in the next chapter why Gimmy and Darry weren't using Gurren Lagann, since the epilogue implied that it was the first time they were piloting it, but that's something I can comment on in later chapters.
Anyhow, now with my overall thoughts are out of the way, onto what I thought were the pros and cons in terms of writing.
Dialogue seems to defiantly be your strong suit, with each character having their distinct voices, which is important considering you are using existing characters for the most part. This is especially true for Nia, as you managed to get her rambling, awkward phrasing down perfectly, which I can imagine isn't something that's easy to do. In the end I heard each of their voices in my head as i read their dialogue though, which means you did your job well here.
One thing I can't say I liked was the stylistic choice to use all caps for some of the dialogue that's meant to be shouted. But this is purely an preference on my part, as using all caps in writing is a less formal practice, but hey, stylistic choice and all that, so I can't really gripe about it too much.
The only real criticism i can level towards the writing in this chapter is that there are a few places where the reader is told things rather than being shown them. For example, this paragraph...
"The woman shook her head as if to clear it, chastising herself silently for allowing herself to lose focus on the task at hand. This was serious work, after all. Her future, *his* future, the future of the Universe itself and all the souls in it, rested squarely on her shoulders. The enormity of it had been overwhelming at first, and she had her reservations now. But then as now she marshaled the strength to believe in herself, knowing that *he* would believe in her."
...has the reader being told how Nia's feeling rather than being shown it. Instead of telling us the audience that she chastises herself, have some internal dialogue *where* she chastises herself. Same goes for telling us why she needs to focus and why she's doing this, show not tell. Instead of telling us she marshaled her strength, show it through body language and the like, having her straighten her posture, square her shoulders, eyes narrowing with determination, or something of the like.
I will freely admit this is not something that's always easy to do, hell, I still struggle with this in my own writing. Its still something that is worth working on, as while the way it is now doesn't take away from the story or make it bad, showing things rather than telling us it can make a huge difference in making a great story an unforgettable one. Anyhow, I picked that paragraph as an example since it was the first one I found in this chapter. If you want I can try to point out other areas that could use a bit of work in this regard as i go through the rest of the story, if that would help out at all.
Anyhow, that's all I have for right now. Hope this review was helpful. Anyhow, keep up the good work, and now, onto the next one!
| TheWerdna chapter 13 . 5/27/2014
As someone who was super late to the party and only finished Gurren Lagann three days ago, I was absolutely crushed by the ending. Like, physically depressed, spending an hour crying level of crushed. Fortunately I was already a veteran of another recent needlessly bittersweet and soul crushing ending (which shall not be named here), so I did what I'd done before, turn to fanfiction to make it right.
So that's how I cam accords this story, and let me just say right away it helped bring some of the closure I needed. I blew throygh this story in the span of an hour, actually crying at the end, only this time from happiness. Unlike other alternate endings, this one gave Simon and Nia the ending they deserved while still following what happened in the show. It wasn't an alternative, but a continuation that set things right, meaning I only have to imagine this is what comes after.
However, after reading this I have a few unanswered questions. I'm not sure if these were thing that I simply didn't put together or understand properly, or if it was meant to be ambiguous so the readers would draw their own conclusions, but I figured I would ask anyways.
- I am a bit unclear on the whole commission thing, was it something that had happened before now? Or was is something that was only a plan, but the whole Anti Spiral thing occurred before it could? If it has happened before, what happened to the previous people who accepted? And would this mean it would mean others would take their place after Simon dies? And how does he exactly continue the role after he dies anyways, just from the next phase?
- another thing I was confused on was the change from Simon being told he could never be with Nia again if he accepted the commission to being told it would actually mean being bonded with her forever, actually being exactly what he wants. I read Gift as well, as I was curious about the differences, and there it seemed clear that this was a test, that Simon had to be selfless enough to take it up thinking he could never be with Nia again. Since if he knew the reality of it, he might take up the responsibility for the wrong reasons. However here it felt a bit ambiguous whether it was a simular situation of testing him, or if their minds were changed due to Nia and Simon's actions battling their son's spirit. Just something else I was a bit uncertain on.
Anyhow, thank you so much for writting this story, and giving these characters the ending they deserved. Take care, and again, amazing story dude. Reading this made be very happy.
| Hektols chapter 13 . 3/13/2014
Fantastic fic, it is the kind of ending for Gurren Lagann that fans wanted and the best of all is that it still follows canon and doesn't contradict it.
I won't lie, I liked "Gift of the Magi" because it was the first one I read while this is a remake. Thank you again for improving such a great series as Gurren Lagann giving a more satisfying conclusion.
| Hektols chapter 12 . 3/13/2014
Very good, Simon's friends must be really happy to know that Nia and him will be together for all eternity.
| Hektols chapter 11 . 3/13/2014
Didn't see that coming, a pity they couldn't save that spirit in particular.
| Hektols chapter 10 . 3/13/2014
Fantastic fight, the tension was very well handed.
| Hektols chapter 9 . 3/13/2014
Now we are getting into the new stuff and it's great.
| Hektols chapter 8 . 3/13/2014
Another great chapter.
| Hektols chapter 7 . 3/13/2014
Good work with the new stuff.
| Hektols chapter 6 . 3/13/2014
As good as the original.
| Hektols chapter 5 . 3/13/2014
Similar to the other fic but better writen.