|Reviews for Eat Your Vegetables|
| Guest chapter 1 . 5/11
| Guest chapter 1 . 4/10
What the fuck is this about? Bet you're an obese American you don't even know what broccoli is by the way you describe it but then all Americans are fucking morons. Shit story written by a retarded fucking imbecile.
| TimmyTurnerFan chapter 1 . 2/22/2014
I'm not saying this just to be nice and to be a kiss-up just to soften you, I really mean what I'm about to say: I enjoyed this story.
When I was reading this, I pictured the setting taking place in a home similar to an apartment I lived in in Up-State New York when I was 5-7 years old. Poor Tim's mother, although I wonder which Tim this is. I know it's not Timmy Turner from Fairly Odd Parents and I'm almost sure it's not Tim Possible from Kim Possible (two of whom are my most favorite cartoon characters in the world believe it or not!) I'm very curious as to what the characters look like, (skin color, hair color, maybe eye color, clothes they were wearing, I picture a White family but then again maybe their Black, Hispanic, or Asian.)
And you (not you personally) don't have to tell me to eat my vegetables, I have no problem doing that. In fact I don't like not having vegetables. Even as a kid I liked them (I'll stop before I become a braggart if I know what that word means.) But I agree, Kids, Eat Your Vegetables, Please.
| EagleJarl chapter 1 . 9/28/2013
Ok, this was hilarious, thank you! I especially loved the "laser show of flavors" line.
And having had the "fun" of trying to get young kids to eat things they didn't want a few times, I can totally relate to this. There are times when it would have been awesome to having Superman smash a baddy through the wall if it would have gotten the little brats to actually TRY something.
| DJ Blonde chapter 1 . 6/5/2013
Very cute, I liked it.
However, I would like to point out that:
- "checking him thoroughly for wounds and injuries" seemed a bit of an odd thing to do BEFORE turning to look at the window and for further attacks/danger.
- also considering the dining room table had just been showered with wood and drywall, it is odd that Tim could immediately turn to his plate and gobble up the drywall and wood garnished cheesy broccoli!
Sorry for being nit-picky but I'm seeing the scene in my mind and I'm going wha... he's eating that drywall dust and wood splinters? That is some motivation.
| LostWonderer chapter 1 . 4/21/2013
| No thoughts chapter 1 . 2/7/2013
I liked your verb choices: for example, "shoved" and "pouted" quickly build a picture of the kid and give the scene energy.
Have you considered exchanging these sentences thus?
Tim pouted. "If he likes it so much, why doesn't he eat it?"
Mixing the order could, I suggest, add another source of energy (which arises from unexpected sentence pattern variation and rhythm).
The mother's actions were less satisfying for me. I feel (while lacking the ability to articulate this accurately) unconvinced by the apparent progression of her emotions, and I wonder if there is an opportunity waiting to be seized or expanded?
Initially, she is exasperated - entirely believable, given the scenario. Within a few sentences she is lost in a reverie over her own cheesy broccoli. It's this losing herself at this point in time, when she has just supposed to have been dealing with the stroppy child, I find difficult to relate to. Not that she couldn't have a little food daydream (come on, who hasn't had a momentary rhapsody over brassica?), but I couldn't buy the transition.
I'm glad Superman provided her inspiration, and Tim aspiration.
I found the language weighted toward the literal. My observation was that wordplay with basic descriptions ("soft, velvety cheese", "sharp, flavorful blossoms") was kept simple. More complex descriptive language (such as the metaphor "victories under her belt") could have been employed further. "Victories" implies a series of games or battles. There's an excellent opportunity for an extended metaphor here: just as Superman battles outside, a young mother fights to get her son to eat his vegetables. The word tactic was used early on - the extended metaphor is almost there. Perhaps it just requires a little more cohesion to tie it all together? Are there any game or battle verbs which could replace others in the story to heighten the sense of this being a war or match.
| Book girl fan chapter 1 . 12/26/2012
Very successful, and funny!
| Melodeia chapter 1 . 12/21/2012
I love your portrayals of children, they're so accurate and hilarious, both because they're true, but also because of your way with words. The exclamation marks are something most writers should only add in small bits, but they fit the enthusiastic nature of children just perfectly. Kudos on that.
I liked the topic, it was a lighthearted one-shot, just what I needed after a long day.
If I may, I have a couple of suggestions.
"If he likes it so much, why doesn't he eat it?" Tim pouted. - This, to me, doesn't make much sense, because it's not his father's plate, it's his, and his father DOES eat his own (not to mention that the father does not seem to be in the scene with them). If you wanted to show that Tim wanted his father to eat the veggies in his place, I think you could have written the second "he" in italics, for emphasis on that idea. If not, then I'd write something else instead.
She continued to puzzle over the quandary as she enjoyed her own broccoli as visibly as possible. - I'd have reworded this part, to something similar to "putting on a show for her son, with mmmm's and oooh's", because I feel that's what a mother would try to do. She wouldn't just savor it quietly because she liked it, she'd savor it and let the kid know it, exaggerating her pleasure. I'd also tie the next phrase to this one, by using a colon.
But he turned up his nose at anything that wasn't Mac 'n' Cheese or pizza. - I think the correct tense would be "he would turn up his nose", since it's a habit, something that happens often.
A low rumbling outside broke her from her reverie. - Outside of what? Linguistically, the "outside" in this specific sentence demands some clarifications. Outside of her house? Outside of her kitchen? Outside of her dining room?
Susan got up from her plate and strode over to the window to see what the problem was. - I think one gets up from the table, or from their seat at a table, not from the plate. That's what I usually hear, anyway.
Instinct kicked in and she darted instantly for her little boy, checking him over completely for wounds and injuries. - I don't think she'd have wasted time on a complete check-up, but just enough to see if he was ok and not bleeding, then run the heck outta there. If by "completely" you meant all over, I'd personally replace it with that.
Next she turned back to the window. It was Superman! He was hovering in midair, five stories over the street below. In her wall she noticed an arm extricate itself from the twisted mess of wallpaper and drywall still hanging over the hole and someone in a metal suit jetted straight for Superman. Superman dodged in a flash and sped off, leading the battle far out of view. - Ok, this got me seriously confused. Why would Superman suddenly appear on their property, to fight his battles? Why there? Why leave right after? It makes me feel like I've missed something, something BIG. Weren't we talking about broccoli just now? I do get why you used it here, in this one-shot, but it's still a confusing element, that pulled me from the scene.
Just as she was about to answer, a lightbulb went off in her mind. - to me, the lightbulb going off part sounds a bit odd. The visual is not like in the cartoons, with a shining bulb signaling a new idea, but the opposite, because of the "off".
| TheAwsomeOpossum chapter 1 . 12/18/2012
Oh man, this is great! By the end, I had a huge grin on my face. The way you present it is just perfect... talking about a very ordinary event and 'in comes superman'! The irony at the end just summed it all off, and really made this small piece shine. Oh yeah, and eyes as wide as saucers... that was a great description too!
In any case, this is supposed to be a critique, so I do have a few suggestions. The first one is that you might want to adjust your first sentence a tiny bit, but not too much. The part, "steaming pile of green and yellow to the edge of his plate, as far from his real food as he could get it", for some reason just doesn't read quite as smoothly as it could. I don't know how you could change it... perhaps it might be better to leave as is... but if you can find something that sounds a bit better in your ears, feel free to use that instead. You also might try to add a 'that', between 'say' and 'seven' on the sentence that talks about what time her husband is getting home. In the sentence that starts with "A loud crash", change 'and' to 'as'... it will make it flow right.
I can't really offer much other advice, this is a really good piece, and I can't compliment everything because there is too much good stuff in it. So great job, and I'm gonna fave it!
| kitkatritrat chapter 1 . 12/10/2012
I have never read anything Superman related before, so I can't say much on characterization.
It flows very well and you have a good balance between dialog and non-dialog. you are descriptive without getting all purple-prose. There wasn't any spelling or grammar errors that I noticed.
You can be a little wordy sometimes. The point where the mother is describing the broccoli I found (call me crazy) kinda gross. I understand this was humor, but it was still so weird. I am also of the presonal belief that exclamation marks should never be used except at the end of dialog, and very rarely even then. And I would seriously consider removing the phrase 'laser show of flavors'. Maybe this would be considered a crack!fic. If so, maybe put it in your summary?
It depends on your sense of humor, but this isn't really my cup of tea. I really just don't like crack!fics in general. Please don't take this as a flame.
| zanganito chapter 1 . 12/1/2012
I like how you tie the third person narrative to Tim in the first sentence by saying that he pushed the broccoli "as far from his real food as he could get it." That's kind of cute and is how some kids would think of their vegetables. XD
Just a minor thing - in the rest of the piece the third person narrative is tied to Susan's thoughts, which then makes the first line stand out a little, since she wouldn't think of broccoli as not "real food".
But over-all I really liked this and thought it was cute and funny how Susan convinced Tim to eat his vegetables.
| Blue-Inked Frost chapter 1 . 12/1/2012
This was cute, adorable, and cute. I liked the cameo of Tim in the Superman animated universe.
"Broccoli and Cheese" - cheese should be lower-cased.
It surprises me that you Americans mix broccoli (healthy) with cheese (not healthy)! Cheese is only good for you in small amounts and is quite expensive. Or so it is in this hemisphere.
"The soft, velvety cheese; the tender, tangy stems and sharp, flavorful blossoms. Such a simple dish and yet her tongue was rocking out in a laser show of flavors!" - Very expressive. Perhaps a touch too much of a pathological obsession with broccoli and cheese here, though.
"and a the wall leapt out and attacked" - the extra 'a' not needed. Also, the image of the wall leaping out and attacking seems too surreal for this story - you've established Susan as a pragmatic mother character so far, so having her think 'the wall is attacking' rather than 'the wall is exploding/something is hitting the wall' doesn't work for me.
"In her wall she noticed an arm extricate itself from the wallpaper" - From the wallpaper, or from the wall? Extricating oneself from wallpaper would probably be quite quick.
"That night, he ate both his vegetables and hers!" - From the earlier paragraph about her getting very very excited over broccoli and cheese, it seems like she already ate her vegetables.
Very smart strategy she used there to convince the kid, though!
So my conclusions about this short, sweet fic were cute, adorable, and cute, and I've tried to comment in as much detail as possible. Hope the feedback helps!
| Rockztar chapter 1 . 11/30/2012
Love it! It has inspired me to try new things (maybe)
| Waterfall13 chapter 1 . 11/30/2012
Aw, too awesome!XD my mom used that on me...