|Reviews for Fire Under The Mistletoe|
| FoggyFrog chapter 7 . 12/19/2012
Hey so, I actually read through all your stories, and I'm reviewing on this one but I do have some general comments on all your stories as well. But first I'll comment on Sick Day in particular.
There doesn't seem to be any glaring spelling or grammar errors, which is good! The story was quite cute, but I have just a few nitpicks. I found the repeat of "No we can't" "Yes we can," Just a tiny bit repetitive. You really only need to repeat it once to get the idea of the back and forth across, so you could probably cut off the last two lines of that and just give the second "Yes we can," the italics for emphasis. Similarly, the repetition of "It's-it's lavender," was very funny, but just a /slight/ variation, even just moving the hyphen or stuttering "lavender" instead of "it's", would've retained its humor (or maybe even made it funnier!) and still mixed it up a little bit. These little things weren't annoying or anything, but I think they could be improved and assist the story!
My other critiques apply more to all of the short stories in general than specifically Sick Day. You have a lot of dialogue, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I would suggest adding a bit more description, some dialogue tags, and combining the dialogue and description you DO have into a single paragraph on occasion. A little more description can really really help the tone of your piece come across more. Was it a sunny day in Tokyo? A grey and gloomy quiet one? Especially in some pieces like this where you are pretty much going for one consistent fluffy tone, adding little descriptions of everything even small things like how toasty and warm it was inside as opposed to the bright coldness of outside will really assist you. This goes double for character actions! Not everything has to be said in dialogue to come across. Serenity doesn't have to yell "I'm falling!" (which is a bit awkward and unnatural to yell out anyways as opposed to just yelping or something) just describe her falling or hell, just say "Serenity started to slip and fall." Not everything has to be outright stated in the dialogue and variety is the spice of life :3 Adding "Rei said" or "Serenity said" to the mix will help with clarity of who is speaking, and that variety!
You're actually really close to doing this already. An example from Sick Day where you're close is:
"Rei melted and stammered the first words she could think of.
Now, Rei is actually stammering the phrase it's lavender, so "Rei stammered the first words she could think of" is the dialogue tag. You can combine them like so:
"Rei melted and stammered the first words she could think of, "It's-it's lavender.""
It's actually a bit more proper than separating them with a paragraph break, and helps give a little more heft to your paragraphs. You already have the words, just don't be afraid of putting them together, so it's very clear that they are related phrases! Having all your paragraphs be one line long does get a bit repetitive and hard to read sometimes. So just take into some of the stuff I said: add more description, don't be afraid to include dialogue in the same paragraph as some description and character names, and I think it'll really assist your stories in being more vibrant and readable!
Overall these stories were cute and simple, like a little sweet you eat quickly for a treat. I enjoyed reading them and I think their shortness was a nice feature making them a quick and easy read. I think you have a lot of potential if you keep going at it! C:
Oh man, I really rambled. Sorry if I said too much! -w-;;
| Beth Cyra chapter 6 . 12/16/2012
Papa Rei is going to throw a fit when little Chibi gets trapped under the tree. Her consuling the little girl and then lecturing Usagi about it later is great to just imagine.
| Joanna-NK chapter 6 . 12/16/2012
Aaand down goes the tree it seems xP
Guess Papa-Rei to the rescue xD
Hope you update soon and keep up the good job
| James Birdsong chapter 5 . 12/11/2012
Excellent five oneshots.
| Joanna-NK chapter 4 . 12/10/2012
Cute family moments incomming from every timeline! Hell yes! :D
Keep up the good job
| Beth Cyra chapter 4 . 12/10/2012
Haha very cute. Rei/Usagi/Chibi-Usa make such an adorable family. Rei is like the best Papa Chibi could ever ask for.
| Joanna-NK chapter 3 . 12/9/2012
Those three having a family time (as a real family it seems :P) is always so cute.
Jeez, Setsuna can't keep it in her pants and gives away the secrets of that timeline...but I guess Minako is the one at fault :P
Keep up the good work and waiting for more _
| Beth Cyra chapter 3 . 12/9/2012
Hmm it was cute, and while the plot line has been used before, you played it for good effect and the whole scene played out in a cute way.
I do like Mina/Sets, but neither are my favorite pairing for the other. I love Minako with Makoto and I always enjoy it when people work in Quenn Serenity with Setsuna in some form. Still neither really mean that much in the face of Rei/Usagi.
Also I do have to admit it gets bonus points for Rei/Usa having Chibi together. I think the number 1 thing I like about the pairing is the potentail they would have as a combined set of parents for little Usa.
| Joanna-NK chapter 2 . 12/4/2012
Kinda short but cute nonetheless _
Keep up the good job!
| Beth Cyra chapter 2 . 12/4/2012
Wow. Well I must say that it was really adorable. I love Rei a being of Fire being the one to teach Usagi how to Ice Skate, plus the picture of them falling on top of each other is cute as all get out.
| Joanna-NK chapter 1 . 12/2/2012
ReiUsa Christmas fluffy moments Yay! :D
Keep 'em coming
| Beth Cyra chapter 1 . 12/2/2012
I love you, thank you so much for more Rei/Uasgi.
I won't lie, the story was cheesy, but I laughed and found it very adorable. Rei meeting Santa was cute and I enjoyed her present to Usagi.