|Reviews for Tokyo Romance|
| Kegi Springfield chapter 14 . 10/6/2013
Another good story...
I can't get enough of this couple...
| videogamenerd101 chapter 14 . 2/10/2013
Aww... how cute. :)
"When he looked at Rika, she is still not showing signs of consciousness."
For the final time, make sure to keep your verb tenses constant.
I really like how Henry and Rika admitted their feelings for each other. It was definitely the right moment. I'm glad Ryo finally accepted that Henry's better for her. Lol, and Hideki must be so jealous. He'll find someone else, though. I just know it. And the way you ended this was really romantic. :) You did a pretty nice job on this, by the way.
| videogamenerd101 chapter 13 . 2/10/2013
"She was worried because she has not heard from Henry for days already."
In this sentence, you started with past tense but then suddenly switched to present. You really need to watch out for this in your writing.
"'Are you alright? You sound tense.' Jeri asked."
Again, end your dialogue with commas. Never use periods.
I'm glad that Rika finally found Henry again. Too bad it had to happen that way. :( Stupid Tiffany... She's the reason why Rika just had to run away and get run over! She wouldn't have had to go to the hospital if Tiffany hadn't came! Nonetheless, I feel bad for Rika anyways.
| videogamenerd101 chapter 12 . 2/10/2013
I especially felt like this chapter was rushed. It was really lacking detail, and everything flew in a huge flurry. :(
"They are ready to go back to Tokyo that day."
Watch your verb tenses. You have a bad tendency to switch to present tense.
"She looked at Henry in the eye after that little tug-of-war, she danced with him during Jaarin's wedding."
This right here is a comma splice, which is when you connect two independent clauses with a comma. To avoid this, replace the comma with a period and make the two clauses into two sentences.
"'It's alright. We both are first-timers on this one.' Henry assured."
Once again, end your dialogue with commas instead of periods.
"The ones seated at table number 14 were amazed at the ideas Jeri Katou and Rika Nonaka had put in."
Numbers should be spelled out.
Anyways, Rika got an award! :) She really outworked herself from what the story tells the reader, so she definitely deserved. I really liked that "date" between Rika and Henry, and Hideki must've been so jealous. But Rika and Henry belong to each other. :) Although one thing I'd like to say is that I wasn't able to sympathize with Hideki, and more details of his emotions and his downfall would probably make me feel a bit sympathetic towards him which is good for a story. But still, I can't believe Henry was stupid enough to bring the wrong cellphone. Now he and Rika can't stay in contact until Henry's done with his field work! D:
| videogamenerd101 chapter 11 . 2/10/2013
Lol, again with people saying that Rika and Henry make a cute couple. :P
"'There's something I want you to do.' Mr. Wong instructed."
I know I keep repeating myself, but don't end dialogue with periods. Replace them with commas.
"That night, since the Wongs had not yet arrived, Henry locked the house and left the key hidden in a place that his father knows."
Again with the verb tenses. Watch out for them, okay?
"'So, what's the word?' Rika asked as their reached the car already."
This should be "...as they reached the car already."
Yeah, so again with the fact that I felt like it was rushed and the dialogue was too formal... Anyways, the scene where Henry and Rika were painting each other was pretty cute. Lol, and Takato got drunk. Reminds me of that one chapter from my own Jenruki story. :P I'm guessing that the scene where Henry and Rika admit their feelings for each other will be at that cherry blossom park before they leave Shinjuku... Well, I guess I'll just have to read on to find out. :)
| videogamenerd101 chapter 10 . 2/10/2013
I was right! Alice would come in the story.
"'Let me help you with that, Mrs. Wong.' she said while lifting a tray of bread."
Again, use commas to end dialogue. Not periods. You did this with the characters' thoughts as well.
"But she went with the fact that he is choosy."
Verb confusion again. Make sure not to switch to present tense and maintain the past tense.
"He remembered his usual clothing when they he and Rika were attending high school in Shinjuku High and with that memory, he began to laugh."
The "they" in the middle of this sentence is unnecessary, so just take it away.
"Then after a moment, Suzie stood up and was about to got to the kitchen to help Mrs. Wong."
I think you meant "...was about to go to..."
Again, I felt like their dialogue wasn't casual at all, so I'd change the words and use contractions as well. Also, I felt like it was really rushed again most of the time. I'd add more detail if I were you.
It looks like almost every man Rika comes across thinks she's beautiful, huh? And Hideki asked her out, and she rejected him... I find it funny how Rika and Henry keep using each other so they won't be mauled over or something. :P I really like that trip to the grocery store. It was really cute, especially when Henry lifted her up so she could grab the sugar.
| videogamenerd101 chapter 9 . 2/10/2013
Hmm... So Rika got another love line, but this time it's from Jaarin, huh?
"But then again, I already had a boyfriend so there's no harm done in talking about boys. Rika thought."
Thoughts can't be ended with commas when it's a situation like this. End it with commas instead. You also did this with your dialogue.
"She made her way to the yard wherein she saw Henry, Takato, Suzie and Jaarin's husband Kioshi."
This should be "...Henry, Takato, Suzie and Jaarin's husband, Kioshi." If you don't add in that comma, you're implying that Jaarin's got more than one husband, which she doesn't. :/
"Rika, realizing that her clothes are wet as she is now, yelled at Henry with her voice not annoyed."
Watch out for your verb tenses, once again. Make sure they're all in past.
Lol, that game of tug-of-war was really cute! I really like how Rika accidentally fell on Henry and they stayed like that for some time. That scene in the beach was really cute as well. I can't wait until Henry and Rika finally admit their feelings for each other. :)
| videogamenerd101 chapter 8 . 2/10/2013
I'm guessing that Suzie wants to talk about Rika's feelings for Henry...
"The next day, the members of the entire Wong family are ready for the wedding."
Okay, so right off the bat, you used the wrong tense. Make sure to keep it all in past tense. You do this a lot, so watch out for this in your writing. You did this a couple times for characters' thoughts as well.
"'He'd probably make out with Jeri for the rest of his life.' Rika answered with a sneer."
Again, don't end dialogue with periods. Use commas.
I felt like you really rushed the wedding. You basically just summed it all up in one sentence. A lot more detail would've been much better so the reader wouldn't be left hanging. Other parts were rushed as well, but the wedding was the most obvious of them all. Also, their dialogue doesn't seem casual, and more like formal. It would be nice for them to talk like that if this was a medieval story or whatever, but this isn't, so... yeah. :P
Aww... I can't believe Rika and Henry won't admit their feelings for each other. :( There's so many hints, and there's some obvious chemistry between those two. And everyone around them keeps mentioning each other's feelings! Gah, those two are just too dense. :/ It was kind of sappy, but that's okay, because sometimes I make my stories a bit sappy as well. :P The scene in the balcony was cute, and it was funny when Henry went into Rika's guest room with only his towel on. I can't believe Rika actually ROFL'd.
| videogamenerd101 chapter 7 . 2/9/2013
Aww... so cute! :)
"But due to the depression she had with Ryo's returning last night, she totally forgot to call and tell Jeri what she will do or where she is going."
So again with the verb tenses. You switched to present near the end. Try to keep them constant, will you?
"'The one next to me will be the one right for me…' Rika thought. 'Is this true? Or it's just fantasy…'
As I've said many times, don't put quotations on a character's thoughts. Only italicize them.
"Rika could not believe how much of the city has changed ever since she left when she was 19."
Remember that numbers should be spelled out.
"'I see.' Rika simply answered and dialed her mother's phone number. 'Hello, Mom?'"
Once again, don't use periods to end dialogue. Replace the periods with commas.
This chapter was really cute! I love the scene where Rika and Henry were watching the movie together and then Rika fell asleep on his shoulder. :) I can't wait for Jaarin's wedding! I wonder how it'll turn out. And Takato is right. Henry'd better make a move on Rika sooner or later.
Anyways, I'm calling it a night. I'll TRY to finish the rest of the chapters tomorrow. :)
| videogamenerd101 chapter 6 . 2/9/2013
I was right... Ryo did come... :/
"'I shop here because Jeri always drags me into it… and in the end, she is the one who always loses money.' Rika remarked. 'Jeri's always drags me into spending and into these kinds of messes…'"
Once again with the fact that you use periods to end your dialogue instead of commas. Also, another thing I want to point out with this is that this should be "Jeri's always dragging me..."
"'I wonder when I shall have my happy ending… But the real thing is: who would be the right one for me?' Rika thought as she picked one swan carefully."
I hate to keep saying this to you, but you gotta make sure that you don't use quotations for thoughts. Italics and italics only.
"She remembered that her mother will be coming in Tokyo the next month because of the production she is doing."
Try to keep your verb tenses constant. You have a tendency of switching to present tense occasionally.
Once again, I felt like it was really rushed. You really lacked detail and imagery and it would me much better if you had some more deliberation in your stories. Anyways, I felt like Ryo was incredibly ooc in this chapter. It didn't seem like him to be so mad that he'd try to beat up Henry. He's a really nice person, you know, and he'd probably immediately let Rika have Henry. So Rika is coming to the wedding, huh? I wonder what'll happen there at Shinjuku. :)
| videogamenerd101 chapter 5 . 2/9/2013
Ooh, I can't wait to see what happens when Rika and Henry go shopping together! :)
"'I'm sorry, Ma'am. Paperworks and everything just mashed up.' Rika replied."
Sorry for repeating myself over and over again, but remember, no periods! Use commas instead to end dialogue.
"'At least she gave me two instead of one!'"
Again, no quotations around thoughts. Only italicize them.
"She decided to go to the person expert in computers that she knows: Henry."
From reading this story, I've noticed that you have a tendency to switch tenses. In this case, change "knows" to "knew".
"'But I made efforts to switch to an 8 to 5 schedule but he never appreciated it.'"
This wasn't a problem for the past couple chapters, but now it is again. Numbers should be spelled out, you know. This also happened another time in this chapter.
First of all, it seems obvious to me that Rika and Henry have the hots for each other. They always think about their feelings for each other, and it's just way too obvious. I really like how you made Rika sleep in Henry's house for the night. That was really cute. :) And Ryo called Rika, huh? I'm pretty sure he wants her back. I'm also seeing drama with him coming around the corner. Gah, I just love love triangles. :)
| videogamenerd101 chapter 4 . 2/9/2013
Lol, I like how Jeri keeps teasing Rika about Henry. :)
"After many days, it was Monday once again for Rika and Jeri and now they are facing a serious shot of their lives in the company."
Verb confusion again. Change "are" to "were". This happened several times.
"'Rika Nonaka and Jeri Katou, Mrs. Hayashi wants to see you now in the conference room.' She said."
Sorry for saying this over and over, but I want to just continue to tell you about your mistakes so you won't make them again. Remember, never use periods at the end of dialogue. Use commas.
"'Shit. He's playing cool just like Ryo.' Rika thought and turned away."
As I've said, thoughts should only be italicized and not quoted. You do this a lot as well, so try to get out of the habit.
I keep forgetting to mention this in my reviews, but the way the dialogue and this story is structured makes it seem extremely unrealistic, and I don't really like it that way. Add more detail and try to be more casual with your writing. It'll definitely help to lighten the mood of the story and make it not feel weird and strange. :)
Aww... I really liked that date with Takato and Henry at the restaurant. So cute... :) Looks like there's a lot of guys falling for Rika, huh? I really liked the Jenruki scene where Henry took Rika to that beach and made her shout. Lol, that was funny. :P But Henry is such a good person and he was there to comfort her when she started crying.
| videogamenerd101 chapter 3 . 2/9/2013
Poor Rika, Henry, and Jeri... They all experienced the deaths of loved ones... :(
"'I hope that I'll get used to it. Hehe! Anyway, I gotta go now! I'm going to get busy with the house.' Rika said. 'Take care, Grandma!'"
Again, dialogue can't end in a period. It has to be either a comma, exclamation mark, or question mark. And just like the two other chapters, it happened several times in this chapter.
"'Oh my gosh! Henry! I forgot to thank him with the package he gave me! Anyway, I did him also a favor…'"
Remember, no quotations for thoughts. Only italics. Do this every time there's thoughts in your stories because I can tell that this is a tendency of yours, but it would be best to get rid of it because it's incorrect.
"'Well, I'm good… Working my butt off from 8 to 5 but recently became 8 to 6…' Jeri replied. 'Overtime pressures just keep me and Rika busy!'"
Also, remember to spell out your numbers.
"Rika and Jeri saw that their friends are in a panic mode."
Again with the verb confusion... this happened a few times in the chapter as well, specifically in that flashback with the car accident.
Once again, I really wanted to see some more detail and imagery because you really lack that in your chapters. It made the story really rushed, and the imagery would've been a really nice touch for this chapter because of the nostalgic approach you tried to take with this chapter.
So I loved that little Jurato scene that was in the chapter! I like how Takato gave those roses to Jeri and how they chatted with each other in her apartment. So sweet of him. :) So Alice is in the story now, huh? I wonder if she'll play another role in this story. I didn't really connect with either Rika, Jeri, or Henry when they were at the cemetary, mainly because this was rushed. Also, I'm not too fond of people using OCs unless they're really developed. Lol, and looks like Rika finally conceded to go with Henry at the end. :P
| videogamenerd101 chapter 2 . 2/9/2013
Huh, I can't believe that guy would want to steal Rika's bag. It kind of seemed inaccurate to me because Tokyo is a mostly safe city, and it's different from other places like NYC. But that's fine, though.
"Rika could not become icy at this point because her boss is even icier than she is."
I know I already pointed out verb confusion, but I wanted to point it out again. "is" is supposed to be "was". And I'm sorry, but I'll keep saying this if there's verb confusion in any other chapters. This also happened in a few other spots in the chapter.
"'Yes! At least she did not go volcano for the first time!'"
So yeah, once again, thoughts aren't supposed to have quotations around them. Make them italicized and italicized only. This happened several times as well.
"'You're welcome, Rika.' Mrs. Hayashi simply replied."
Again, don't use periods when ending dialogue. You have to replace it with a comma, and also, it happened throughout the story when the characters talked.
"Then the next hours proved to be hectic and stressful for Rika so she had gone from 8 until 6 in the evening."
Remember, numbers have to be spelled out.
"Henry gentle tapped her hand."
This should be "...gently tapped..."
"She meant that if Jeri insulted Mrs. Hayashi, the latter will get fired and eventually spend her life in Rika's house."
This is a comma splice right here. I suggest you change the comma to a period and make the two clauses into two sentences.
"'But Ma'am, is that the office in the other side of Tokyo? I can't file a LOA for that today!' Rika protested."
I know that "L" is a consonant, but change "a" to "an" anyways. There's an invisible vowel there, since "L" is pronounced like "el".
"'If something romantic happens between you and Henry, you owe me a quarter!' Jeri teased.
"'And if nothing happens?' Rika returned Jeri's teases.
"'I owe you a quarter!' Jeri replied with a laugh."
So this isn't exactly a mistake, but I want to point out that they don't have quarters in Japan because they have a different currency. Maybe replace "a quarter" with "a yen" or something like that. (Yens are the currency in Japan.)
"Right after Henry ended his business; they bid the woman goodbye and started their journey to Tokyo."
That semicolon is unneeded. Change it to a comma.
Okay, so once again, I felt like it was rushed and more detail would probably take away this rushed feeling. But anyways, that line that Naomi said probably referred to Rika and Henry, hmm? :) And that crazy lady at Henry's workplace sure is pretty head over heels for him. I usually don't like those kind of people in stories, but that's fine. That's just my preference. So Henry sort of asked out Rika on two dates, and Rika asked him out once, but they won't admit that it's romantic of any sort, huh? :)
| videogamenerd101 chapter 1 . 2/9/2013
So I'm here, just like you asked me to. So... this is a pretty simple plot, but I can see it developing into a good story.
"'I don't know… My mind runs off to somewhere.' Henry explained."
Don't use a period to end the dialogue here, and use a comma instead. It's grammatically incorrect, and you did this several times throughout the chapter.
"Henry laughed while he and Takato make their way towards their canteen in the office."
There was some verb confusion in this sentence. You started out with past tense but switched to present. Change "make" to "made". There was also some verb confusion in other parts of the chapter.
"Henry Wong and Takato Matsuki had moved out of Shinjuku when they were 19 to study college. Now both 23 years old, the two of them were inseparable as ever even in the workplace."
Numbers gotta be spelled out, unless they're extremely huge numbers. Change "19" and "23" to "nineteen" and "twenty-three". You used numerals for numbers several other times throughout this chapter.
"'I missed you, Rika… Where were you during those last five years?'"
Thoughts are never supposed to be in quotations. They should be in only italics. This happened several times throughout the story as well.
"Jeri was not with her because she was also taking charge of things with her new house as well; her moving in was extended because she had so many stuff to move out of the former condominium unit."
This should be "...she had so much stuff..." because it sounds weird if you use many.
"Meanwhile, Henry was busy meandering around the block when all of a sudden, he found a young woman with auburn-hair with yellow streaks moving things inside a house."
The dash between auburn and hair is unnecessary. You can just take it away and make it two words. If you do want to use the dash, though, change it to "auburn-colored hair".
"Then after a moment, he saw a young woman clad in red blouse and black pants and a pair off sandals appeared."
This has to be "...a young woman clad in a red blouse and black pants and a pair of sandals appeared."
Other things I want to say: First of all, I felt like the dialogue was way too formal, and you lacked the use of contractions, so I suggest you use more of those. I would've liked more description and imagery as well, because I felt like it was rushed. Also, I felt like Rika was ooc. She seemed too jumpy and ecstatic to me.
Anyways, I can't help but think that Ryo is SUCH a bitch. I find the fact that he cheated on Rika as ooc, though. I really can't imagine him doing such a thing. I'm really glad that those four are living near each other. It'll definitely give way for Jenruki and Jurato. :) So it seems like Henry and Rika have feelings for each other, and Takato and Jeri have feelings for each other. I'm interested in knowing what will happen next. :)