|Reviews for Pathetic|
| Ular Tua chapter 1 . 6/16/2013
Although tad confusing, the writing is beautiful here, especially the details. Hmm... I don't know what Chrono Trigger is... But anyway, although this scene is repetitive throughout the fandom, I like it that you write it using Guile's POV, which is very unique! The feels... Well, this one actually creeps me out!
| Guile Mustang chapter 1 . 5/24/2013
This is dark, but beautifully written. I love the way you write this part using Guile's POV instead of anybody else's (yeah, cuz this part when written is often very repetitive). Poor Guile, failing to protect someone who is very dear to him. Anyway, I'm gonna get CT copy soon! Y'know, hearing you talking about the 'Guile is Magus' speculation had me interested. :D Thanks for writing this!
| guilefan chapter 1 . 5/5/2013
This is dark, and scary! O.O Poor Guile, I really feel his pain of failing to protect Kid (Schala's clone). Thinking back his identity as Magus/Janus, it's sad to see him failing to reunite with Schala again. Good work!
| DarkHorse26 chapter 1 . 5/4/2013
Oh sis, sorry for the uber late review! I'm extremely busy recently, but today I have at least, a little spare time.
This fic is dark, really dark. I love that you write the events at Ft Dragonia using Guile's POV, and you keep his voice serious, but also sorrowful. He struggles to fight back, but his wounds are so serious that he can't even get up. I feel his pain (both physically and emotionally).
Added to the community of course! No, no, NO NEPOTISM LOL! XD Sorry for being a bit of a joker in reviewing a serious story!
| ReadingBlueWolf chapter 1 . 12/13/2012
This was dark and unexpected. I thought he was going to get revenge. I was really shocked by the ending. I thought the story was really engaging. It kept me entertained the whole way through. The set up and plot was good. You did an awesome job on this.
| The Death Frisbee chapter 1 . 12/12/2012
Hey there! You did well in this one-shot in integrating description with the plot; I got a good sense of what was going on and could follow things. Also, you introduced Kid's heritage particularly well, because it didn't feel too expository for my tastes.
I think you could get a bit more detail in with Guile's sister, to give some more characterization to her movements. If she's a floaty, oracular figure, I'd like to see a bit more evidence of that in her movements.
I could not even protect her clone daughter! - feels a bit too clinical, too much of a tell. I'd suggest a rephrase to make it a bit less awkward-feeling.
All in all, this was interesting and vivid, and your description is getting stronger. Well done!
SPAG below. Hope this helps!
from the flooring that helped - confusing, since it implies the flooring helped. sugg 'from the flooring, helping'
merely half a meter away - apart means it was broken in two.
marmoreal - feels like a thesaurus-grab; simplify it unless it's something specifically canonical.
Pathetic and worthless. For one moment - the sentence fragment works, but I'd make it thus
Despite being able to
There was nothing I could have done - tense shift
I had been but - tense shift
filled my senses - would suggest that, as AmerEng and BritEng don't tend to use 'sense' in the singular like that.
| Helicarriers chapter 1 . 12/10/2012
This was sad, but very well-written. I loved how you didn't divulge too much information about what was happening around Guile at first. Instead, you paid attention to the immediate sensations like cold and the floor, and then came to show Lynx and Kid. It helped me see through Guile's perspective better.
And what a way to end the one-shot. I liked the term "rusty iron" and the alliterative quality of "deep, dark redness".
There's a couple tiny things I'd like to point out. First, "before falling to the ground with a thud" - I didn't read anywhere before that Guile had begun getting up, so I had the image in my mind that he was still lying down on the ground, just reaching for the staff. Also, the "I fell again" after Guile began crawling for the staff didn't make sense to me, because one can't really fall from a crawling position. Maybe a simple description of having to stop movement because he was in pain would work better.
Even with these minor suggestions, I liked the narrative voice in this a lot. Well done.
| ballofstring66 chapter 1 . 12/9/2012
Not knowing this fandom I don't know what has led up to these events but it stands alone as a story in its own right. It's brutal, bleak and full of despair but very moving.
I got slightly lost at the apparition that may or may not have been the kid - I read it just as a manifestation of her dying but didn't undstand the clone bit. That didn't detract from the story though and, although there's a few weird grammar things you could sort out it was very effective and a good piece of writing. Hope the writers block ends soon. :-)
| Edhla chapter 1 . 12/9/2012
Oh God, this was incredibly sad! I'm going to go hug a cat to cheer up after this ;)
Seriously, though, very well done. The last paragraph in particular is well done, and I feel for your narrator a whole lot. Ohhhh I liked Kid. :( I felt there was real self-anger in "I was pathetic", and I'm glad you chose to bring that line in to tally it with your title. Very nicely done.
Although I don't know the original characters, I know your own version of them, and I feel for them, which makes me think you're doing a great job :)
Some turns of phrase are a little awkward to my eyes- "but only to end up", for example, could perhaps be better without the "but." Generally, though, this is very good work. Well done. x
| Anonymous chapter 1 . 12/8/2012
Dark, brutal, angsty, and scary! :O People tend to write this infamous part with KIRGE pairing but... You really have a knack on writing Guile fics! His anguish and sorrow... Very in-character and I think the soundtrack for this scene is fitting for the story!
| ckrets chapter 1 . 12/8/2012
I really liked the last line: "Kid had gone, and so had I." This was a bit confusing, as I'm not familiar with the fandom. At first I was like: "Whoa so that's Kid but then it's not Kid but yet it's still Kid?" Now I think I have it down, and it's starting to make sense. I can't say much about characterization, but from reading your previous stories, you seem to be consistent with your characterization of Guile. I liked how you portrayed him here. He lost his will to fight, then it came back, then he lost it again. And yet he still has a good heart. And you descriptions were great, especially "crimson hue." I loved that! Well done.
| Crow's Talon chapter 1 . 12/8/2012
I love the description in this story, especially Guile's anguish at the death of Kid. I found his grief at being unable to protect her very touching, especially when he tried and failed to gra his staff. I liked the use of complex vocabulary, too. I can't comment as to characterization, although I think it's safe to assume that Lynx is a jerk. I didn't understand the business with the clone, although that's probably fandom blindness. Great work.
| PrinceVeggie chapter 1 . 12/8/2012
Assume that Guile is Magus, but not amnesiac as I disregard the CT DS ending.
Heh, honestly I like to disregard everything after CT on the SNES as anything other than AU.
Anyhow, I liked this story; it was very well described. My favorite part:
"The rod seemed to be merely half a meter apart, but I stopped abruptly and groaned as I heard a crack. At that moment, I felt a warm, salty taste in my mouth. I coughed and stained the marmoreal floor with crimson hue, before falling to the ground with a thud."