|Reviews for Crave|
| Guest chapter 1 . 3/6/2015
You do dark really well.
| Tonight's The Night chapter 1 . 12/10/2012
Interesting. I have to say, FaiSyao doesn't really appeal to me, but I liked the darkness in here. I think the darkness was what made this work instead of making everyone seem out of character. And the smut wasn't bad. There are just a few things that could use some work:
1. I feel like the shift from being "tugged" toward "attraction" was a bit abrupt. I understand that this is a oneshot, and therefore you don't have a lot of room for relationship development, however twisted. I think it might've been better if you'd left the physical attraction implied and allowed the story to develope organically from there. This plays into the Show Don't Tell Rule. You want readers to draw the conclusion you're going for, but you want to do so in a way that doesn't require you to state what the characters are feeling. In some respects, you're doing all right here. You've got the characters' physical reactions, and the "tug" Fai felt had interesting implications on its own, so what you really need to do is cut back on sentences that simply Tell the reader what characters are feeling.
2. The only time I felt like anyone got too OOC was when Fai was telling C!Syaoran about how much he loved what they were doing. Fai keeps a lot of things bottled up, to the point where negative emotions turn to outright self-loathing, and I feel like that's what would happen here. Fai is obviously not in control of himself, but even in the midst of this, I think he would develop some self-hatred about what he was thinking/doing, and have some angst about not wanting to stop it. Other than that, though, the whole thing felt remarkably In-Character(not to say that either of these characters would actually do this, but Fai's half-insane internal thoughts really pushed this oneshot to a more believable level).
3. I've read most of your other fics, and I have to say, the smut is improving. Before, I thought you were overdoing it a bit. Now, I feel like the balance between physical description and emotion(in this case angst) is more balanced. Often, passages of smut grow too long, and become redundant. I feel like there was enough here to satisfy fans of this pairing, but not so much that it was overwhelming. The key to a good sex scene is the same as the key to a good fight scene: emotion. You must always be sure to incorporate as much emotion into the scene as you do setting/action/plot. Most of the time, emotion slips into the narrative with few problems, but you must always take special care to make sure there's enough emotion in a sex scene to balance out the physical details. In this case, I would say you did pretty well.
4. I feel like the sentences are a bit long-winded in spots. Take this one for example: "His hand shot out to grab the boy's shoulder and they both tumbled to the ground, Fai's back hitting the muddy road right before Syaoran made a landing on his stomach." There's nothing technically wrong with the sentence, but it is a bit elaborate for the scene. Short, choppy sentences denote action, intensity, even certain emotions, such as anger. Longer sentences are better for slowing action and varying sentence structure/length. Depending on what you're going for, you should vary the sentence structure to fit that pattern. At the same time, even if you need a lot of choppy sentences to convey emotion, you don't want to put too many simple sentences in a row, otherwise the prose will start to sound clunky. Writing is all about balance.
5. This one's related to point #4, but with some differences: wordiness. This is a common problem, one far too many people succumb to, but there are ways to deal with it. When you sit down to write out a rough draft, you're just getting your ideas onto paper in a relatively cohesive format. When you go back to revise, however, you must weigh every word carefully, trimming away unnecessary intensifiers like adverbs and inflated phrases. Brevity is the soul of wit. Therefore, omitting needless words leads to sharper, better sentences. In general, most writers can cut down their rough draft by a third simply by removing extra words, reworking sentences, and removing redundancies. Even then, some sentences still need trimming. Every word is precious to your readers. If you put in too many empty words, the prose will lack sustenance. Trimming back is one of the most important responsibilities of a budding writer, so don't be afraid to cut whole sentences, or even whole paragraphs. Every unnecessary word pulls your reader from the narrative path. Unless you want them to end up at a dead end, cut out as many unnecessary words as possible.
Overall, it was a good oneshot. I've been reading your work for a while now, and I think you've reached a level where feedback like this will be helpful. Keep pushing forward, and don't be afraid to try dark fics like this-readers thrive on darkness.
Tonight's the Night.
| kuroXIII chapter 1 . 12/9/2012
Woah. Now that I have read the whole fic, I don't think you should be wary of staying away from dark fics. You write them really well. I can't really tell who is the bigger victim here. Fai for his spiral towards insanity, guilt, and lust or Syaoran for not be truly there, forced to obey Fei Wang's orders to get the feathers by any means necessary. If you're just worried about the audience, just put a big warning on the top for each dark fic you decide to write.
Anyway, really love your descriptions and Fai's thought process throughout all this. He should be disgusted by everything but he's ashamed of loving them at the same time. Makes me wonder if he truly just wants his eye back because his magic is such a deep part of him that they're overriding rational thoughts, or his vampiric nature as well as extreme stress from all his lies and guilt just want a release since he keeps holding back his emotions and true self.
Heartless!Syaoran is always an interesting thing to contemplate. When he lost his heart, was a small part of his own soul forced asleep but gaining awareness, or was he aware but his sense of right/wrong and free action was pushed away until he met Sakura again?
Random question, is that why Syaoran got new clothes the next time he met up with the group?
| good job chapter 1 . 12/9/2012
argh! I like syaofai but there aren't many fic have syaoran seme. I frefer Fai is the uke more TT
Anyway, your is good