|Reviews for Vermillion Ice|
| Fox Boss chapter 2 . 4/14
Nice fic. I have an idea for an original Ice-based Bloodline I'd like to run by you.
| pikachucat chapter 2 . 9/26/2014
awesome more please
| AnikoComik chapter 2 . 7/28/2014
sweet. I love it. I hope you can keep going with this. Not much to complain about. A couple spelling errors in the first chapter at the beginning. But really good after that.
| auroradawn123 chapter 2 . 8/21/2013
:D HOOOOWW SWEEEEEET ! _
| dalulzing chapter 2 . 7/20/2013
How does Naruto feel knowing that his loyalty is being tested?
| Wisler chapter 2 . 6/22/2013
Good start and interesting idea. I hope you update soon.
| Little Sachi chapter 2 . 5/27/2013
Er, I'm pretty sure that Koori just means Ice, no clone at the end. The story's interesting, though Tsunade did throw me off, badly. But it's a okay story..
| simhead75 chapter 2 . 4/22/2013
might be interesting will need to read more before I give a final verdic
| Damix96 chapter 2 . 4/13/2013
I feel sorta ike im reading a harry potter fanfiction 'cause "second chances" most harry potter fanfictions i've read specifically stated dumbledore gives unlimited second chances. Good storyline by the way.
| Neo-Shepard chapter 2 . 4/11/2013
Love the Mizore type Naruto. I never would have thought of that. Keep the story going, I'd love to read more.
| ChaosMuramasa13 chapter 2 . 4/6/2013
I love it i cant wait for the next chapter
| PitMaster115 chapter 2 . 3/31/2013
This is looking like a very good story. Your writing style is just what I look for in stories, and your plot looks good. I'm sensing a Naruto/Kurenai pairing and I have to say that the would probably be an amazing pairing for this story. Think about it, the Ice Queen and Ice King of Konoha. I'm also wondering if you're going to do something like Toshiro from Bleach and give him a sword. I mean I love stories of Naruto using a sword but there are so few good ones out there. and I feel that with your writing skills, and good storyline/plot, that you could have one of the best stories out there. Also, congrats on giving Naruto an awesome bloodline, while also giving him a weakness that while not being able to completely pulverize him, can still make him more down to earth. I'm looking forward to more updates from you and this story.
| Ryu Vision chapter 1 . 3/25/2013
o.O...Naru's a yuki-ona...slight cross with Rosario Vampire...nice...keep up the good work...this oughta be interestin
| FernandelDeLaFrance chapter 2 . 3/24/2013
This is quite an interesting story. It shows a lot of promise, even though it does have a niggling issues here and there. I like it so far, I really do.
The idea of Naruto having a kekkai genkei is one that's been explored so often and in so many different varieties that I never really thought that I would be able to find something original. Your title was the first thing that tipped me off (unusual wording, certainly, even though I found it a bit purple), and your summary promised something interesting that I hadn't quite seen anywhere else before.
And I haven't been disappointed. The two of you (I assume there are two authors writing this, correct me if I'm wrong) have done an excellent job of keeping Naruto's bloodline balanced. It does have some spectacular advantages, certainly, but also its drawbacks. Too many authors assume that bloodlines are the be-all-and-end-all in terms of combat potential in Naruto fanfiction, ignoring the lesson that hard work and potential triumphs over potential alone. For that alone, I have to give the two of you props.
Now, your style generally works well for this story, but it does have a few disadvantages/faults. The stream of consciousness-like style of writing is well-suited to showing the feelings of the characters from their POV (I especially liked Kurenai's scene at the end of the second chapter, and Mizuki's POV during his fight against Naruto), but it sometimes comes across as a bit chatty. Also, you sometimes switch between past and present tense when you use more colloquial expressions. It distracts me a bit.
But then again, faulty grammar is one of my particular pet peeves, so just take my advice and do what you want with it. Your grammar is otherwise exceptional, concise, clear, and understadable. Aside from the little tense issues, I'll easily admit that I'm very impressed.
There are some spelling mistakes in these two chapter, but most of them are minor ones. Mizuki's name was spelled incorrectly in the end of Chapter One, and there were a few slips of the pen (or keyboard) here and there in this chapter and the one before. Nothing major, but it did catch my attention. Going over the chapter once more with a sharp eye and an editing brush for these little mistakes would certainly weed them out.
The punctuation is something that I'm still on the fence about. It works very well for your story so far. I still think that using all capitals to indicate screaming is a bit lazy on the authors' part, when it could have easily been described using verbs, such as "she screamed/shouted/bellowed/etc." However, this is (again) one of my pet peeves, and if you think that it's an essential element of your style, then just keep using it. I'm sure I'll get over my discomfort.
One thing that I have to beg you to stop using, though: please don't use Japanese and put the English translation in bolded letters and brackets directly afterwards, like you did with the "ice clone" in chapter two. This is a device that newbie fans imported directly from translated manga, and it's primarily a visual thing to point out what attack is which when it gets confusing in manga panels.
In the literary form, all that the bracketed and bolded translation manages to do is to suddenly interrupt the flow of the sentence and rip me from the scene I'm imagining inside my head. Please, please, PLEASE don't do that. It's an absolutely rookie fanfic author mistake. You're better than this. Most of us readers don't speak Japanese, and if you use the English translation, we'll be quite happy. Ignore the elitists tthat harangue you to use it when most of them don't even bother to learn Japanese. "Ice clone" is completely sufficient to make me understand what's happening in the scene.
Now, technical stuff done, I'll admit that quite like the way you interpret the characters here. Iruka is his usual paternalistic, yet irritable self; the Hokage is the nice old grandfather with secrets and his burden of responsibility, and Naruto's interpretation as a colder, yet still friendly and lovable older teenager is great. Kurenai is pretty much a blank slate, considering that we know very little about her from canon, but I like the way the two of you chose to interpret her.
I especially liked the scene between Naruto and Kurenai. It shows that even though two people have very good reasons to be angry at each other, it doesn't excuse slights given. Very much applicable to real life. It also shows that Naruto, even though he is colder and more taciturn, is still the compassionate character we know from the manga. Well done on that scene, I was genuinely moved.
The fight scene was gripping: you described the fight in three dimensions, you had them feel pain and got both parties hurt (no curbstomp there, thank goodness), it was easy to follow, and you made me fear for Naruto's life and health. Well done. Keep doing just that.
Even if I might have been critical of a few things up there, I'll be very honest: I very, very much like this story. It's definitely in the top ten percent of Naruto fanfiction, and it has a ridiculous amount of potential to become a good, well-written fanfiction story that will make people love the characters all over again. It has a few faults, but these are mostly little creases that can be ironed out easily.
I now look forward to see what happens. Which team will Naruto be on? Who will be his teammates? How will he meet Haku? Will Zabuza survive? Will Naruto gain more advantages and disadvatanges from his bloodline? Oh, all these questions niggling at me... Please don't answer them, I want you to surprise me.
You want me to keep reading your story. Well done, that means you've succeeded in capturing your readers' interest. Congratulations - and I mean that completely without irony; well done!
I have ridiculously high standards when reading fanfiction, and literature in general, and I give out criticism even if I like a story. It might be elitist snobbery, yes, but it's mostly because I want to try to help people improve and become better writers. I wrote this huge review because I like this story and I would certainly like to see it continued. Considering the number of reviews, favourites, and follows it has so far, I'm not the only one thinking this.
Good work, Lazruth and Manah, very good work. I look forward to reading future chapters. Take your time writing them; quality can't be rushed.
P.S.: If there's any advice I can give you as a fellow fanfiction author, it's this: concentrate on the characters, their interactions, instead of the powers they have. You've done a great job of doing that so far, but a little reminder can't hurt. And now I'm going to leave the two of you alone. Have fun writing your story!
| scottaa chapter 2 . 3/24/2013
This is good so far, I cant wait for the next chapter. So please update soon.
However I do need to ask is this going to be a harem based story or is it just the one pairing?