Reviews for StarCrossed
shortstuff410 chapter 1 . 1/2/2013
This is a lot of fun! I have always wanted to see Romeo and Juliet in space. It is awesome that you thought of it too. I love the dialogue, it is really quick and smart. I also really like that you start "before" the story.

I am assuming the italicized sections are supposed to be like stage directions? I noticed that the verb tenses are not consistant from one italic section to the next, so you might want to tighten it up a bit.

I find it a little weird that it is sort of halfway between script and story. If I were writing this, I think I would push it all the way to one or the other... written as a story or written as a script. I would not try and make it both.

Overall, I really enjoyed this! Thanks for posting it!
Madam'zelleGiry chapter 1 . 12/23/2012
At the risk of sounding redundant, I must say that this is quite an original conception. I'm honestly not quite sure what to make of it, going by the summary. I guess we'll just have to wait and see! Out of curiosity, is this fandom for the actual Shakespeare play or something of the same name? I ask because it's listed under 'books' instead of 'plays'.

"The space station Verona, their new home, gleams on the horizon, the destination of their spaceship." While it's clear what you're trying to say, I think that you might want to consider rephrasing it because the structure of the sentence is a little different from the rest of the paragraph and it made it stand out. You might even want to consider making it into two paragraphs to aid the flow of the overall paragraph. Just a thought.

"A sad tone entered her voice. "Home?" she murmured." To my mind, a murmur doesn't really have much of a tone. It's kind of hard to imagine it being sad.

In general, "papa" should be capitalized since it's a name. Specifically when Juliet is addressing him.

"That works out great" This sounded a little odd, as the rest of the dialogue was very clipped. This was quite loose, and it stood out to me.

I like your political talk. It sounds as natural as we can expect, and it has a very nice, clipped quality that makes it ring true. Combine that with the flow, and I was left quite impressed. It also introduced the main points of the story very well. All in all, a lovely scene.

As a first chapter, this was quite interesting. I would have liked to see a little more of Juliet in the beginning, because you make her out as an important character but you don't spend much time talking about her and then she all but vanishes for the rest of the chapter.

You certainly have me intrigued, and I'll be looking forward to a new chapter. Keep up the great work!

Cheers!
Her Royal Nonsense chapter 1 . 12/22/2012
First of all, I was thrilled to see some Shakespeare fiction on Review Tag. The idea of adapting the story of Romero and Juliet and placing them in space is certainly a unique one and this was a very nice start.

Some minor things that stood out:

/From inside, a young girl and her father look out of at the vastness of space./
What do they look out of?

/"Over here, young one," A rather serious looking elderly lady wearing a rose-colored dress greeted him. /
You don't need to capitalize 'a'.

/I may be a justice/
Shouldn't 'Justice' be capitalized?

All in all, this was very well-written and I can tell a great deal of time went into planning and researching this, which is very refreshing to see. You do need to watch your punctuation a bit because there were times where a comma or a period was either missing or misplaced. There is a portion in the middle of your story where the judges are debating on a number of political issues - it begins with the concept of education as being 'brainwashing'. I noticed that there were virtually no dialogue tags for much of the back-and-forth discussion, and it became a bit difficult to follow who is saying what. It might help your readers if you indicate this. All in all though, I enjoyed your writing and I am very much looking forward to reading the next chapter.

Great idea.
finallyexploded chapter 1 . 12/22/2012
The author's notes are a bit confusing with all the names.
Anyway...

A spaceship drifts through the heavens...
Papa, what is that?" asked the little girl...
[And the tenses are switched for what reason? A flashback? Anyway, I think "the little girl asked." is somewhat more professional.]

her Father replied
[Why is the 'f' capitalized?]

Yes honey.
[Comma after "Yes"]

...began to float as the ship lost it's momentum...
[It's is short for "it is". You want its.]

"We'll see honey. We'll see," Capulet murmured in a consoling voice.
[A rather funny line. Comma after "see". Otherwise, they'll be waiting to look at honey!]

We're here Juliet.
[Comma after here].

I think the first section had a good mix between dialogue and descriptions. The writing flowed nicely, and it was easy to read.

The theme was a bit boring, and was repeated often. I believe that it could be easily shortened, without losing anything.

Onto section 2...

"Over here, young one," A rather serious looking elderly lady
[Either a period, or a lower case 'a'.]

"Fair?" laughed the Justice.
[It's a personal preference, but I would prefer "the Justice laughed." This wording goes into a few sentences. "It is good to see you haven't lost yours," said Capulet," etc.]

The second section lacks a good cliff-hanger. No reason to jump to section 3.

The rest of the story is similar to this. It seems to be simply a re-write with a different theme. Not super exciting.

My main concern is that you don't go overboard on the dialogue. Not a bad little story, but could use a few edits.

Thank you for your time.

explodinghead
Member of Eliminator
TheBloodyWhiteWolfxoxo chapter 1 . 12/21/2012
This is a review from the WA Review Game.

You have a nice flow and great plot set up. :] I did feel like the summary sort of spoiled most of it, especially since it's included right at the top and we don't have to picture this all and it's not much of a surprise - it's just written the basic outline of what's happening. I think the writing could improve by bringing the readers into the setting and situation, not an author-written summary.
"...pressing her face against the window to look at the torus which was Verona."
That was a nice introduction to the setting, instead of saying 'they were in Verona.' I liked that and the image of the little girl was cute, as well as the way you introduced her into the writing instead of just stating straight out 'the girl, Juliet'.
The descriptions were well done and the end closed nicely. :] I felt sort of ... I don't know, like almost distracted by the gigantic author note at the end. It's your choice what you put in, of course. :]

Keep writing
TBWW
persevera chapter 1 . 12/19/2012
I like that you made the first conflict between Capulet and Verona about waste disposal-something that, while not trivial, can be as petty as they're likely to become.
Juliet was sad, just a little girl who didn't want to leave her friends. Can't wait for her to meet Little Romeo.
I like Verona's attitude toward public service, corrected Capulet that it's a blessing, rather than a curse. I hope she ends up being an honorable judge.
Revolving Dragunov chapter 1 . 12/18/2012
First off, I think it is really cool that you decided to write Romeo and Juliet in space. It is a nice twist to a well-known story. Concerning your author note about OC’s in the story, it has been so long since I have read Romeo and Juliet that I can barely tell who is an OC and who isn’t. I did think it was nice that you apologized for it and to those who are “sticklers” to the original story. I love how you are about your readers and that is especially evident in the first sentence of your author notes at the end of the chapter. Though I do think you meant to say “one” in your sentence, “It's my first on in a long time.” You don’t need the “so” in the next sentence but to since it’s just an author note, that doesn’t matter too much.

To start, I noticed that several times in the middle of your sentences, you have capitalized “papa”. That word should be lower-cased if it isn’t starting the sentence. Also, I saw that you capitalized “kindergarten”. Normally, unless referring to a certain kindergarten program, kindergarten should be lower-cased. Then again, I couldn’t find a location on your bio so perhaps those are the grammar etiquettes in your country.
“The 13 others who make up the council are waiting for them.”
This sentence would look better if the number 13 was written out.
"Yes Juliet, home. This will be our home now. But don't worry. Living in the Space Station will be wonderful! You'll meet new friends there."
The “but don’t worry” part feels abrupt and isolated. I would suggest either tacking it on to the end of “This will be our home now.” or before “Living in the Space Station will be wonderful!” with a comma. It would make the sentence flow smoother.
"Cheer up honey. Please, honey… for me."
The second “honey” seems redundant. Perhaps you were trying to portray the man as more “fatherly” in a sense, but I feel that goal could be accomplished without the second “honey”. Also, when reading that sentence, it feels like he is more or less, asking her to cheer up for him instead of just telling her. I think a question mark at the end of “me” would be better suited. Having the question mark would make him appear less selfish and more sensitive to his daughter’s justifiable sadness.
“"Over here, young one," A rather serious looking elderly lady wearing a rose-colored dress greeted him. She was floating upside-down.”
I thought it was funny when she was floating upside-down, which leads me to this:
"Please Mr. Capulet… I know the rumors that go around about me on Earth. And trust me, despite what the stories may say, I'm not as strict as they make me out to be. I may be a justice, but when I'm not in a council meeting, I'm anything except serious. So just relax… it'll be good for you… and for me."
If I were in his shoes and saw her floating upside down while addressing me, then I wouldn’t have taken her seriously to begin with.
“You have a long path ahead of you… I hope you come to a similar view when you are old as I am."”
I think it would be better to just have that quote as just two separate sentences.

I like how you formatted your story. It was very easy on my eyes.

I really enjoyed the whole scene with the meeting. You did an excellent job on capturing the tension between Earth and the space-party. Who knew there could be such a show down about public waste management? The politics at the meeting was very believable (ex. Not wanting to send the waste to Earth because of the problems with relations and not wanting to send the trash to Jupiter because of the environmentalists complaining-despite the planet being inhabitable). If it were up to me, I’d say just burn it and chuck it off to deep space despite what others may think. It was exciting to read about their history and how Capulet held strongly to his beliefs while Montague’s beliefs strongly contrasted his. The tension was so well written, that I actually want to choose a side. I actually see something happening like this to Earth and space far off in the future surprisingly…..hostile relations stemming from a war that was fought with different intentions according to whom you spoke to. I really can’t stress that enough on how captivating that scene was and how you captured the professionalism (or lack thereof) in the meeting.
Overall, I say good job with the first chapter!
Captain Zangano chapter 1 . 12/18/2012
First off, I think your idea of writing Romeo and Juliet IN SPACE! is awesome. It should be interesting to see where you go with this. :)

the moon casts it's pale light

It’s It is / Its possessive form of it – I didn’t find this mistake a second time, so I’m assuming this was a typo.

I liked your writing style, but just as a tiny nitpick, I noticed word repetition in a few places (mostly because it’s something I’m trying to cut down on in my own writing.)

Examples:

about to have her fifth birthday. Their spaceship is about to enter

I call this meeting to order. The issue of this meeting

I had a difficult time reading through the 20 lines of untagged dialogue at the end of the chapter. I like dialogue heavy scenes, but more than three lines without a tag and I usually get lost, even if only two characters are talking.

Overall, I enjoyed reading your story, and hopefully this review will be helpful for you.
MockingjayWithFangs chapter 1 . 12/17/2012
This was an interesting take on Romeo and Juliet, who would have thought of them in space, well you obviously. This was good and I felt bad for Juliet when she had to leave Earth, her reaction was the one someone could expect. The only thing I found was that you wrote donut instead of doughnut.
Green Phantom Queen chapter 1 . 12/17/2012
It's Romeo and Juliet IN SPACE!

Now that I got that out of my system, this is an interesting take on the Shakespeare tale. I'm more into Macbeth, Hamlet (and that especially includes Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead) and Midsummer's Night Dream, but I'm willing to take a gander of romance. The conversations are really good and there's lots of drama involved (of course there is; it's Shakespeare), and I can't wait to see how this unfolds. Let's see if our Romeo and Juliet get a happy ending (or if they'll be doomed like Rosencrrantz and Guildenstern). This will be a very interesting Romeo and Juliet, let me tell you.
Crow's Talon chapter 1 . 12/17/2012
Ooh, Shakespeare in space! This is certainly an interesting idea. The characters are all familiar and seem to be in accordance with the original, play, so good work there. I like the idea of a scifi setting, and I'm interested to see how closely this follows the original play. The dialogue is fluid, too, and modernized enough to be understandable to non-Shakespeareans while florid enough to fit the style. Nice work, and great play on words with the title.