Reviews for Elementals and a Vampire
Anzer'ke chapter 1 . 1/26/2013
Yeah...firstly, redo this for the awful spacing alone. This chapter needs to be at least three times as long, more description, more material, do not use digits in body of text, do not assume knowledge of an area (I, along with ninety percent of those reading this, have no idea what the hell millenium park is since Chicago is not the centre of the universe) when writing about it so you need to be showing us what the place is like and why they are walking there.

We need to see the thoughts of the characters, who themselves also need to be slightly less ridiculous and hard to relate to. And given that so far they stand out from one another as much as two pieces of chalk you need to actually characterise them in some way shape or form. Heck, the OCs are loathed and it seems every OC author forgets (or just doesn't bother to think about) why this is.

OCs are generally a pure egotism from the author, which builds off and feeds into the following, they lack any pre-existing development within the canon material meaning AND I CANNOT EMPHASISE THIS ENOUGH, THEY NEED TO BE DEVELOPED FROM SCRATCH. Furthermore they do not exist within the canon and thus the reader has no pre-existing liking of them, or hating of them, or anything of them, it is therefore your responsibility and yours alone to write well enough to make your OCs actual characters. So far you have failed utterly to do so, which is normal for OC authors but doesn't give you the right to complain when people take the time to point this out.

If you ever write for real you'll likely (read; will definitely) have to pay people to give you feedback on your work, be more grateful for what this site and community lets you receive for free.

My advice, redo for the flaws in your writing style and give a serious think to whether you are capable of writing a good story with OCs in it at this time. I would also strongly advise you to read through Dark Wynn's work (Trilogy, beginning with Out of Nightmares) in this archive. It's easily the best thing in the RV archive and yes it does contain a hefty number of OCs, not as central characters because without going heavily AU that's almost impossible to do well (as in you would have to be an incredibly talented writer, which most of us are not, judging by your work so far this includes you) but they are there to the point that a fair number of chapters exist entirely from their POV. It is also a very good story.

The point is to understand that it's not that OCs are hated on principle to some bizarre tradition. It's that they are very hard to do and you like many others do not do them well. You seem to be assuming we have the same perspective on your characters that you do. Also you have made terrible Mary Sues (or gary stus if we're being specific) and should urgently run them through the Mary Sue litmus test (do a search for those four words to find it) and think seriously on each question it raises.

However even if you can do all this (which is a tall order, frankly put that would be a massive rise in skill from what this story is showing right now) honestly I still wouldn't read this. On account of the content (Mizore and Kurumu abandoning an extremely well developed love for Tsukune for random strangers from across the world) being ill thought out and in opposition to what I enjoy in this series (well developed characterisation and relationships) in the first place. Which is simply intrinsic to your chosen plot.

Still, it seems only fair to review your first story seriously, train wreck though it may be.

Peace out and Rock on,

Anzer'ke.
ThatInfamousGrin chapter 1 . 1/2/2013
I take it you live in Chicago? I live in the surrounding suburbs but most of my moms family actually lives in it (they're very Italian so they've been in Chicago since the 20s). Ive seen the millennium bean thing...its so cool that there's sculptures all over Downtown. Oh yeah text message! Gtg
Guest chapter 1 . 12/16/2012
Instant oc fail, Another American self-insert fic that no doubt will have these three " Elementals" become the greatest bad-asses there is. And of course they are essential to Mikogami's plans or will save the world.
Guest chapter 1 . 12/16/2012
I like it so far. Please continue.
CreepyPastaKid13 chapter 1 . 12/17/2012
Guesto, thank you for reviewing my chapter and clearing the mine fields for me. I understand the issue with spacing as I used Google Docs to write this story and then copy and pasted it on a very crappy laptop, so there were some issues. In regards to my OCs, they actually aren't self-inserts, though I can see how you may consider them. These OCs are actually ones I wanted to use for quite some time in a fanfic, but I wasn't sure where. This may or may not be the best place for them, but hey, it's the first fanfic for them. As for the plot, I feel like my first chapter didn't do much justice for it, so I apologize for that. I've had writer's block for a while and I've come up with a slight cold, so my performance is... well shitty. Thanks so much for telling me what I'm doing wrong. Regardless of the flames, I'm not giving up on this fanfic, like others do at the first signs of failure. I'm completing this fanfic so I can have peace of mind. It's out now, and it needs to finish. Thank you again.
Sincerely,
CPK
guesto chapter 1 . 12/17/2012
Classic American self-insert OC story. It's your first time so I won't be brutally honest like I normally am, but like you stated you'll probably ignore my review since I'm not licking your feet and will consider it a flame.

The plot doesn't make sense that someone from the other side of the world would get one of those invites let alone come to Japan. I suppose most of these type of OC stories don't make sense anyways and this is no exception.

The writing is rough and seems cluttered. You definitely need to learn when to hit enter for proper spacing. That should eliminate some of it.

Your average Rosario Joe won't want to read this from the summary alone, but if someone does ventures further the plot itself won't make them stay. We just don't care to read about you and your friends in a Rosario story. Cover your ears and hide your eyes, but that's the truth. You might get a straggler or two, but those will be OC author's themselves. You won't be wracking up the reviews with an OC story like this. Even more so with a plot that's basically been done many times before, but whatever it's your time wasted.