|Reviews for Shipwrecked|
| Guest chapter 20 . 6/24/2014
Please please please update your story or else I may go insane
| Guest chapter 20 . 6/23/2014
Are you going to continue the story because it is actually quite good.
| eduarddato12 chapter 20 . 4/24/2014
This was such a good Fanfic. Why did you have to abandon it ;_;
| Luki2012 chapter 20 . 8/2/2013
Awesome story, looking forward to seeing the mighty "tse-tse" in action.
| nighters625 chapter 20 . 6/24/2013
plz update soon
| Guest chapter 20 . 6/3/2013
Don't givd up plz! I want this to continue. Don't let it die plz
| Theralion chapter 20 . 6/3/2013
The concept of having fighter planes is an interesting one, as are the rules you put into it. Unfortunately, it seems as though the new character Monty is overshadowing everyone else from canon, with the exception of the Nishizumi family. Some fics work well with a focus on certain characters, but here, it seemed as though the other characters were being neglected.
Some of the characters also struck me as OOC.
-As pointed out before, it doesn't seem like Shiho to get emotional so easily in front of others. She may have a softer side that we don't know about yet, but she has yet to show it in front of others, which may be why she clapped for Miho's victory with no one else around (I decided to leave the meaning for this gesture up to interpretation in my GUP fanfic, "Off The Path).
-Saori also seems overly obsessed with finding a guy here, and less observant and intelligent than in canon. In canon, while she wants a boyfriend, she seems to think that by going along with the tankery tournament and winning, it will naturally happen.
-From what I saw, Maho was characterized as an aloof big sister who sometimes enjoys petting the dog, so to speak. In Little Army, it is revealed that Maho's aloof behavior is a facade, and that she deeply loves Miho.
Keeping the characters in character is important for having your fanfiction taken seriously, since if they're out of character, it shows a lack of regard for the source material, and makes the characters end up looking like poorly made OCs, rather than those the readers know and love.
Another Little Army plot point that you missed is that Miho says in the first chapter that her parents disapproved of her decision to transfer to Oarai, which could indicate that her father was around at the time of her transfer, at the start of the series. In general, it's good practice to take a look at the spinoffs and supplementary works when writing fan fiction; I'm hoping to find a translation of the light novels somewhere to see if there is any additional information
I took the Mary Sue Litmus test for Monty and got a 36, (it's not out of anything, but it's the second-highest bracket behind the 50 one, which includes the possibility that one might not be taking the test correctly). Factors that contributed to the score were not just Monty's relationship with Miho, but his skill as a pilot from a young age, the ease at which he attracts praise from the canon characters, quickly mastering loading and firing, and his past (losing his parents and brother) being somewhat cliched and unoriginal. These factors by themselves don't make him a Gary Stu; a few factors would have put him into the lower, Non-Sue bracket of 0-16, or even the borderline brackets in between, but having so many ends up making him an unbelievable character.
In general, the best way to avoid falling into this is to have fewer of the indicators, which typically is achieved by several factors. One is the character learning skills, forming friendships and romantic relationships, and so forth at a more realistic pace. Another is being careful about what you incorporate, and asking yourself whether it adds to the character; the bits about his past didn't seem to add much to the story. Finally, while you said up front, having an OC get together with a canon character is difficult to pull off well.
I hope you don't take these comments personally, and incorporate them. We all start somewhere, and all have room to improve from constructive criticism.
| roguespirit chapter 20 . 5/22/2013
Loved the quote at the beginning and it was an Interesting chapter overall though it did feel a bit rushed if I'm honest. Nothing I can really pin down, it's just that the pacing was too quick; however I'm aware that you decided on this format from the beginning and we were all aware of that when we came into this story so that's fine.
The main problem I have is the OOC actions going on here, with Shiho and Saori. I find it a bit hard to believe that Shiho would brake down like that so publicly, alone with Erich perhaps but not like that. Up to that point though you did it very well, in such a way that it implied she missed him perhaps but she didn't explicitly say it.
Erich's part in that was handled well and it implied that the "breakup" was less one sided and more mutual than a lot of us thought, which is good.
Finally there's Saori. She has always been pretty good at reading the room, and I really don't think she would bring up something like becoming Monty's fiance while they were getting shot at and he was busy jinking. She may be "The Chick" but she isn't as aloof as most such characters, she's actually pretty thoughtful in that way.
| ArisaLeCreuset chapter 20 . 5/17/2013
Finally Shiho and Erich meet! Can't wait when Erich finally meets Miho...
Eagerly awaiting the next chapter, keep up the good work!
| Sup2backup chapter 20 . 5/17/2013
THIS IS AWESOME!
| IcyBlaze4545 chapter 20 . 5/16/2013
I was surprised Shiho was actually able to show emotion. I fell out of my chair when i read Saori's question though it was really funny for w/e reason. I hope the next chapter will have some more family drama, along with a nice helpful taste of action to even it out!
Great story with lots of potential Keep it up my friend!
| Berean chapter 20 . 5/16/2013
Well you can count the Kuromormine tanks out of the fight for awhile. The crews would be dazed and possibly not able to continue. Two 500lb bombs make a loud racket and the concussion waves would deafen them for the rest of the day at least.
| killroy225 chapter 20 . 5/16/2013
cliffhangers are valid plot devices...even if they annoy the crap outta me! keep it up!
| ArisaLeCreuset chapter 19 . 5/2/2013
Really good! Enjoyed reading your story. Hope you can add more chapters soon.
| Shadow Typer97 chapter 1 . 5/2/2013
Hah, Saori's first flight made her airsick. Keep up the good work.