|Reviews for Him|
| cindella204 chapter 1 . 1/8/2013
Wow, you just GET characters. Fantastic work.
| Patchwork Doll chapter 1 . 12/31/2012
Ok, first of all, I would just like to make a comment about the title you chose. It is not necessarily a bad title, but I wish that it would have tied in with the story more. "Him" does not really give the reader any sort of precedent on which to base the story and also does not really tell us anything about the context you are going to be creating about these characters. I get a slight romantic vibe but still, this could be greatly improved in order to draw trhe reader in further and make them want to read the piece.
The wording used in the summary is somewhat awkward and also does not give much to the reader in the subject of the piece. If you would like to keep the same description that you have used, I would suggest rewording it in some way to make the words flow more smoothly. The length of the summary could also be improved, and it may be beneficial to you to include what part of the novel this scene is taking place in. Is it an Alternate Universe (AU), or does it take place as part of canon? This sort of information may be helpful to the reader who is deciding whether or not to take the time to read your story.
The beginning sentence that you chose to begin the piece with could also be a good summary text to use, in place of the somewhat boring/overused description that you chose.
"but since that would probably earn me a bit to the hand with those lethal teeth", found in the second fragment. I believe the word that you meant to use was "bite" not "bit" which is the past tense of the word.
The way you fragmented the different pre-Games parts was an interesting idea, though rather confusing. I would suggest focusing on only one event, such as the Interviews or the rooftop scene to prevent confusion for the reader. My recommendation would be to avoid the rooftop scene, as that is very cliche, and also the original novel reads that Peeta and Katniss were the only two up on the rooftop on the final day.
"Caesar Flickerman is a very good actor, to pretend he doesn't know exactly what goes on in District Two, and just how prepared we are." Misplacement of comma; the second comma is unnecessary. When two commas are used in the same sentence, it suggests that the first and last pieces of imformation in the phrase could also be used without the inclusion of the middle piece. As you can see, if you take out the middle phrase the entire thing makes very little sense to the reader.
" 'I'm ready to go. I'm not afraid of anyone.' That is the truth. I've never been afraid of him." For the phrase in quotations, I suggest either using a comma at the end of the quotations of seperating the quotations from the rest of the paragraph with a line break. As for the sentence included after the end quotation, use a comma instead of the first period as both piece of information are similiar and could be used as part of one sentence instead of two fragmented sentences that will break the flow of the writing.
"But I know the audience doubts my first statement." The use of a comma after the "but" will create a better pause within the sentence.
"By the time he realized his mistake, however, my knife was covered in his blood, and he was breathing his last." His last? His last what? I would recommend the inclusion of the word "breath" to make this phrase more clear to the reader.
"By day four, half the tributes are dead. None of them stood a chance." Take out the comma as it is not needed in this phrase. Also, replace the perios between the two sentences with a comma as both phrases carry a common theme and could be included in the same sentence to prevent fragmentation.
"I think I've done a good job of pretending I don't care that he's here or that he laughs at everything she says, but every one of the lizards I use for target practice that night has Blondie's face on it." I would end the first sentence after "...care that he's here" and take out the "or that he laughs at everything she says". The wording of the sencond sentence could be as follows, "But still, each one of the lizards I use for targets that night have Blondie's face on them." Since two major ideas are being relayed in one sentence, it would be better to break them up to prevent run-on sentencing.
"By the time I was sixteen, our original group of twenty-five had dwindled until there were only eight of us left." In the section previous, you stated that there had been twenty-four trainees in Clove's group. Ensure that you keep information consistant within a piece.
"When we were a team, no one stood a chance." Once again, unnecessary comma use.
"After that, it was difficult to fight him in training, knowing what it felt like to guard each other's backs." Take out the first comma, it is unnecessary because, as stated before, when two commas are used in the same sentence it suggests that the first and last pieces of imformation in the phrase could also be used without the inclusion of the middle piece. As you can see, if you take out the middle phrase the entire thing makes very little sense to the reader.
"Under the new rule, two tributes may be declared victors if they are from the same district, and are the last two standing." See reasons above, take out the first comma to fix the misuse.
"Templesmith's voice booms through the Arena." Please include the fist name for the announcer, as Clove would call him by his full name. The use of solely the surname is reserved almost exclusively for either repeated names or for nicknames used by familiar people. neither of these situations apply for this text.
"I find myself staring at him, and find he's doing the same, as though he's seeing me in a new light." Take out the first comma, reasons stated above regarding misuse of the double comma.
"When I wake up the next morning, his arm is around me, and for some reason, I don't push him away." Take out the last two commas to ensure that the sentence makes sense and flows nicely when spoken or read aloud.
"I can hear myself talking, taunting Fire Girl, but all I can think is that I finally have her, and she's finally going to die." Again, repeated misuse of the double comma, remove the last comma to fix this issue.
"Suddenly I'm dangling in the air, and District Eleven is there." Remove the comma to create better flow in the sentence.
More terrified than I was before my first reaping, and even more terrified than I was when he was up there on the stage with me, and I knew we were going into the Arena together." Again, misuse of the repeating comma. Remove the last comma as the two fragments work better when read without a pause inbetween them.
"I always prided myself on my intelligence, but in that moment, every cell in my brain is focused on the rock in District Eleven's hand." Double comma misuse, remove the second comma.
"In that moment of weakness, I find myself wanting to be rescued for the first time in my life, because for once, I know I can't get myself out of this." Take out the first and last commas to increase flow within this sentence.
Overall, the idea behind this one shot is a good one and with some minor tweaking and editting, it can be a great piece. I hope that you take this criticism and keep working on this to make it better. I would also recommend some rewording in places, though at your own discretion. I have pointed out some of the more prominent or reoccuring mistakes, though a few still remain that I assume you can find on your own. Keep working at this and it will get better.