|Reviews for Avarice|
| Spread A Little Happiness chapter 1 . 6/21/2015
Just a few critiques for this chapter:
It's 'bullet' not 'billet'.
A few of your word choices just seem very awkward and jarring to me. An example would be displeasedly. While it is a perfectly acceptable word, it just seems to interrupt the flow of the sentence and is really jarring for the reader, in my opinion. Maybe try different word combinations. To me, this betrays a lack of editing (correct me if I'm wrong) and I think there are a handful of better options that could be used here.
It should be 'them' not 'then'. Again, this just betrays your lack of editing and drafting. Maybe look into getting a beta reader if you dislike editing, but I would highly recommend it. A story can only get better with editing.
There's a lone 'her' floating in the fifth paragraph. Again, editing.
Just so you know, Loki is not an Avenger. Even if you haven't read the comics, you should know this even from the movies. While I can appreciate an AU, if you're going by the movies then, if he is an Avenger, there is no need for the Avengers since he was the one that inspired them to group together. Just a thought; this needs explaining but for now it's just so confusing.
Why were the Avengers there in the first place? Sure I can understand Iron Man if he was out testing a new suit and heard her cry, etc. But I think it needs an explanation as to why they would all show up. These are the Avengers, not some cops on patrol. I find it hard to imagine that they would be running surveillance on the city for muggers. This need an explanation I think, otherwise it's just them randomly all showing up together at the right time.
Ashlyn has almost been raped in this scene. Just let that settle in for a second. As a writer, you are entitled to include anything you want in your story but you can't make light of something like this. It's a real life, traumatic event that no sparkly Iron Man costume can make better. I would go as far as to suggest that it makes a mockery of the event itself; your character needs to react or else there is no debt. She might as well just have fallen over on the footpath and twisted her ankle. There needs to be a reaction if you're going to include a scene like this.
Who is her father? Why does he have so many enemies? Why does she need to be protected? Tony Stark recognised her as the daughter of this lawyer, but why does he have so many enemies? You need to give some explanation here, even if it's via Tony who explains to the rest of the Avengers why your character is in so much danger, enough danger to be brought to the Avengers/Stark Tower. This definitely needs to be expanded upon because right now, it just looks like a loose, insipid excuse to get your character into the tower.
"It will suffice" - this phrase really irked me. She's almost been raped, has been saved by the Avengers, is being brought back to the tower for whatever reason, and Steve (Captain America himself) is giving her a lift on his motorcycle and the one thing your character can comment on is how the big the helmet is but it will 'suffice'? Priorities.
The meeting with Pepper (who has so much more personality than what you have given her and, is not, a door woman) was so quick and left much to be desired. Why was she asking who Ashlyn was if she knew that she was who the Avengers were waiting for? And if Tony was flying and Steve took his motorcycle, how did the other Avengers get there first? Again, you need to explain where they had been and how they got back. And you need to work on the characters; while this is fanfiction and you are allowed an AU and all the jazz, please try to at least keep the characters in character. You should have that skill alone, or at least be attempting it, in order to write an enjoyable fanfiction.
The whole getting to know her scene was dry and felt like it was a bullet point information packet about your character. Who is her father and why is he so important? Why is Stark so interested in her? She was almost just raped and yet she's sitting her giving them snippets of information about her life like how she's just come into a large fortune (indicating her father could be dead which she has no emotional response to.) OK, we get it, your character is rich. Why would she just sit there and give this information? And she's only thanking the man who saved her from being raped NOW? Your character has really messed up priorities.
"Joe" should have been 'joke'. Again, editing! It makes it so frustrating to read.
Natasha being friendly to a stranger they just met? Ahm, no. It's like you've completely missed her character. And why does she feel the need to introduce who the Avengers are? Ashlyn was comfortable enough to come with them to a tower and be left alone with one of them for an extended period of time, so why does she need an introduction now. And again, Loki is not an Avenger and is very much hated by Natasha because he corrupted Clint Barton, one of her teammates and loyal friends. I'm guessing you missed that part in the movie. Also, Natasha is not a house maid who wouldn't immediately need to show Ashlyn her room that has already 'been prepared'. She would be trying to find out as much information about this girl, her father and why she had so many enemies, as well as questioning why she was being allowed to stay in the tower.
Wait what? Dates? So, now they're all after her? I smell a Mary Sue. I could maybe understand Tony, if she was pretty enough and we were disregarding Iron Man 3. But they other Avengers? Many of them have reclusive personalities, so they would need to know a lot more about her to be pushed into claiming her as theirs. And she's almost just been raped! These are all good men, not a chance they would be planning dates after this poor woman has been through something so dramatic. Also, they're the Avengers. I doubt they would be spending their evenings planning dates for a single girl whose affection they are trying to win. AU is fine, but warn people that this is going to be OOC.
I don't want to be mean or come across as if I am flaming. I've put work into this critique; making notes and reading through this chapter several times so don't think I'm some random person here to rain on your parade.
| The rater chapter 13 . 1/31/2013
Well I am sory for acting like a jerk. It was a test I was doing to see how you deal with flares, by taking some small mistakes and making them big. I thought your story was very sad, and a pile confusing. But I do think it comes together nicely. Most people ignore the flares, but you handled it quite nicely! Again I apologize for that stuff. I can't wait for your next book and I have an idea. I started a book last year called "web of lies". I have a feeling you should take over. It is about a dancer with an evil scientist father, who is on the bad side of Nick Fury. He runs away when Alice, the main character, is about ten and she is sent to her uncles. Years later, she moves to NYC to be a professional dancer, saves Loki when he gets smashed by the hulk, he kidnaps her to mock SHIELD, and they end up falling in love and Tony Stark show up throughout the book. If you want to discuss more, please email me at . Thank you!
| TheDoctor'sAmazingCompanion chapter 15 . 1/29/2013
Awwwwh, that is ADORABLE, I LOVED THIS STORY! xoxoxox :):):):):)
| J chapter 14 . 1/28/2013
Okay, dude. I just read the rest of the reviews and people seriously just need to chill out. Sure, it was kind of OOC and sure, all of the avengers are not going to fall in love with ONE PERSON instantly. She told you this in the description! That's what makes it fun though :) this is what we all want to write secretly, just for the fun of it, and you, dear author, did it. If you people aren't going to have the guts to write something like this or at least SIGN IN to criticize, then chill. I don't have an account or I would proudly put my username on here as liking this story :)
Oh, and sorry for my random oversight on you not using a name earlier. "That Happens Sometimes!" lol to me anyway. Because I'm ridic like that. Also the name of another fanfic you would really enjoy, by Kitty Lee Renner (I think). :) so yeah. Great job, thanks for writing!
| J chapter 10 . 1/28/2013
| J chapter 9 . 1/28/2013
Okay now I have comments. Somehow I completely missed the name because I am an idiot -_- but, I still like the general idea. However. Thor would never. Ever. EVER. Choke a woman, he is a perfect gentleman. And Steve would never. Ever. EVER. Cry in front of one, because he's from an era when men just didn't do that.
For the record, Loki and Steve are my favorites too :) but I would pick Steve because he's, well... Steve!
| J chapter 4 . 1/28/2013
Lol! Thank you for writing this! You're so brave! This is secretly what all fanfiction authors want to write but don't feel they can get away with it. Your decision not to use a nmame is brilliant. That way, anyone can put themselves in the story! :D thanks again! Ignore the flamers - theyre just jealous they don't have your guts!
| c.a chapter 11 . 1/28/2013
wow just wow you obviously have problems and have a desperate need for attention. I recommend a psychiatrist to help you through this and knock out your need for attention and probability of getting STD's which is very high and obvious after reading this.
| Hawkeye chapter 9 . 1/28/2013
Wow, this has no substance and is pitiful. You are just trying to live your fantasies and feel wanted. These are terribly written and are just plain bad. The personalities are wrong and you are trying to hard to make it good
| TheDoctor'sAmazingCompanion chapter 14 . 1/28/2013
Awwwwwh... That was, officially the cutest thing I have EVER read! xoxoxox
| StarbeamatNyght chapter 13 . 1/28/2013
rjth oauwjitzsrujkfb uksjdfgnfkj. PERFECTION. I KID YOU NOT. This is going on my Tumblr.
| TheDoctor'sAmazingCompanion chapter 13 . 1/25/2013
Awwwwwh, that's adorable, I love it! xoxoxox :):):):):)
| The rater chapter 11 . 1/23/2013
EXCUSE ME?! I was the one that wrote that comment and let me tell you, Loki almost killed the human race and tried to take over the world, so why the fuck would a kid FROM NEW YORK want to have his autograph?! Let me tell you why I'm reading, IM DOING IT FOR LAUGHS BECAUSE OF THE IDIOTIC ERRORS YOU MADE! I'm the rater, the fanfiction blogger and your story is TOTES going into the blog. You just got rated!
| TheDoctor'sAmazingCompanion chapter 12 . 1/23/2013
Awwwh, great chapter, I loved it xoxox :-)
| StarbeamatNyght chapter 11 . 1/21/2013
gil zdjsirhsebetythjzsrnlgkhui jbolstjrioxrpeosuaj *dies* YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! MuaHAhahaHahAhAaAaAaAa! xD okay, done faingirling lol. I feel really bad for Ashlyn. :( But the poptarts thing was hilarious! Can't wait till the next chapter!