|Reviews for During The Rains|
| Red-Dream chapter 1 . 1/12/2013
I felt bad that you went through the trouble of writing and didn't get any honest reviews; but I did have to skip the part where you started getting them a little physical in bed, so no comments there, haha.
I like your dialogue and its pace, for one. Balthier and Fran aren't particularly hard characters to write for because of how singular their characteristics are, but you did a good job. They were believable. Vaan and Penelo, too. Still undecided about Basch, considering that this a yaoi. At least, it was correct to not make him lead the conversations.
I picked up pretty fast on repeat actions, though. I think you made Vaan shrug no less than three times by the time he and Penelo were talking about dinner, and then passed that off to Balthier. In general, I believe you emphasized on those kinds of actions a little too much. Now, it wasn't bothersome, but it causes a disruption in the submersiveness of the story rather than having it feel... enveloping, so to speak. Might I suggest changing up the actions? Like rolling eyes instead of shrugs, or sighing? There is a large repertoire, after all!
One final note. It is convention to add who speaks after every dialogue line, "blah blah blah," Basch said. But, that's tiresome. I stopped doing that long ago, and when I do write it, I usually add upon and make it it's own full blown sentence to emphasize what was said (of course, this is a tip, not a rule. You still have to name the speaker when there are more than two or it is not immediately obvious who is speaking). So, it would go something like "blah blah blah," Basch said, scratching his head nervously at the suggestion.
That's all! Nice story, good job :)