|Reviews for Hitman: A Deadly Game|
| Summer Lotus chapter 2 . 8/3/2014
Your writing is quite mature. I usually like more florid styles, BUT given your writing about Agent 47, the dry, matter-of-fact description seems to jive well with the story. Nice!
Guilty Edit I'd do: "She had successfully made the jump from the world of contract killings and assassinations to the world of politics and presidential bureaucracy." (and I would add something like) There wasn't much of a difference. "A year later, she found herself..." If Diana was tough enough to make it though all that, then she's got to have a pretty good sense of humor :-)
I wish there was more, I really want to see poor 47 help his old handler out and get tangled up in politics even though I'm sure its the last thing he wants to get his gloved fingers involved in.
Best of Luck!
| Pirate King Ray chapter 2 . 10/7/2013
This...looks like it has potential. I look forward to seeing how it progresses
| InYourShadow chapter 2 . 9/1/2013
really like these first two chapters (well, prologue and first chapter technically) they've got me hooked! just clicked the random story button and found this gem! i'm no writer, so i can't give you much feedback on style or grammar or anything, but i'll go ahead and just say what i liked :)
okay, well for starters i really love your whole setting and atmosphere, the rainy evening and the paris opera house, lovely high-class location and a great place for a good old murder! you made me absolutely dislike khaled from the start, i'm sorry to admit i was glad to see him go! the death was great too, i read another review from someone who says they are really into poisons and about how it wasn't very realistic, but i though it was better to describe it the way you did, it almost felt like slow motion. it was cool! then this chapter has just introduced dianna, given her some background (i have no idea who she is or what the agency is lol but you kinda described it in just enough detail) and she seems interesting, i already feel drawn to her and i hope she has a main role in this story despite only being an assistant. i guess you've named a chapter so early on after her, so hopefully it's signs she's going to be in it a lot! i'm also interested to see how the president is involved - did he order the hit? is it all an inside job on the arab side? and finally, i'm excited to see that the story is called hitmain: a deadly game, that hopefully means there'll be more killings and maybe we'll get to know this hitman? i don't know the game series, but i hope he's interesting. only thing i don't like is you haven't updated in a while, which could mean you've forgotten about this. please complete, i want to read more and more!
| Mizuki00 chapter 2 . 7/16/2013
Amazing job! Really enjoyed it. I will patiently wait for future updates. Well then, until next time.
| Teen Tyrant chapter 2 . 5/27/2013
More please, this sounds very interesting.
| ReadingBlueWolf chapter 1 . 3/2/2013
I liked the detail you put into this. The first paragraph really brought me into the story and I was immediately drawn in. It was great. The only thing that pulled me out a little was all the ands. For me, a few of them seemed to make things a long run on sentence. I enjoy that Khaled’s upset about his Armani suit and Edward Green shoes being rained on. That was funny and very showing of his personality and character. I liked the part with the reporters. That was neat. I find it interesting just how much Khaled does not want to be bothered. I’m glad the driver saved the day from the teenager. I do feel bad for the kid though and I wonder if he’s coming back into the story. As I continue to read further, I don’t see the and’s anymore. Either I’m not looking, or you changed causing it to flow better. Either way, it’s great because I’m really enjoying this set up. I thought that was going to happen! I thought as soon as the waiter walked in! I was like ooooh I bet this is going to happen! And I loved it! You wrote it out really well! I loved how you played upon the flavors and brought the tension about in that scene! Amazing! Great job on this.
| DjinniFires chapter 2 . 3/2/2013
I like that the UAR asks for money. I gather that asking for money to make things right (restore equity) is an Arab thing; a holdover from nomadic times when imprisonment as a punishment wasn't an option.
I like the president answering "We have a situation that requires your urgent attention" with "How urgent?" Yeah, the president deals with a dozen urgent matters before breakfast; each has to be prioritized. Her response-the last line of the chapter-is succinct and a great cliffhanger.
I'm a bit chilled that this ex-assassin is in such a high level position in my country! It's interesting that her intentions are merely to remake herself, to use her skills and knowledge where they're a good fit, and do her job. And my being chilled is a good thing.
Probably just me, but I felt "terror" in the opening line is a strong word as a reaction to a threat that would take several steps before it is carried out (even one as great as the story problem) as opposed to seeing a grizzly about to take a swipe at you. Then when I read Diana's backstory, I saw she's not someone who would be frightened easily. Your call!
Also, I think the UAR would be a little more roundabout and diplomatic with their initial contact, particularly since they may strongly suspect but don't know whether the US is behind the assassination, they may be incredibly wealthy but they don't have the US's weapons, and actually they're more likely to rely on the US's protection against Iran, etc.-but this level of reaction may be canon for how countries' governments react in Hitman.
| Edhla chapter 1 . 3/1/2013
This is a good example of why RT is a great game. I'd have never even found this otherwise, let alone read it.
I like the pacing you've chosen- slow and careful. :) It allows you to really concentrate on the one scene and toy out some remarkable details. I'm particuarly fond of the fact that you dedicated several lines to the accent of the guy who brings Khaled the drink. I'm not sure if that's plot relevant or just good story telling, and I don't really mind either way- really enjoyed it :D
I was a little iffy about the description of Ramon, as he did sort of strike me as a tall-dark-handsome-strong-silent. But Khaled is wonderfully realised character who is instantly... and here my though processes break down. Likeable? Relateable? Anyway he was... good. :D
The culmination of the chapter- the poisoning, naturally!- was told really well. You had some positively *loving* details there and it never came across as rushed or sensational. The POV for this chapter seems to be Khaled himself, and although he's not specified to be dead at the end of the chapter, I'm not sure how common it is to survive a cyanide poisoning :D That being said, it's actually really clever in that way- we don't expect our eyes and ears to drop dead at the end of the scene/chapter.
Totally nitpicky, but the poison-bearer seems pretty dodgy from your description. I'm surprised that Khaled isn't more suspicious of him. Also, he seems to take quite a long time to die for someone who drank such concentrated levels of cyanide that he could *taste it.* I'd either lower the dose or up the dead :p
| DjinniFires chapter 1 . 2/28/2013
Wow. This scene is written with confidence and style.
As far as storytelling, the fact that Khaled has such a high-level meeting (the French president) and will be carrying it out at the opera (perhaps to not call attention to it, particularly with reporters) hints at matters of high import. If this weren't a prologue (and if I didn't already know that people introduced in thriller prologues usually die!), I'd have been more jolted by his death.
As far as characterization, your UAR sultan is very believable. He is not an unlikeable guy-just sure of himself, used to a high level of competence in himself (doesn't want to be late) and in others (he appreciates Ramon's professionalism). His slight impatience with starting his meeting made me identify with him so that I was really sorry to see him die!
As far as writing style, it's easy to read throughout, includes several small delights (for example, "a small umbrella which was just big enough for one very important person to fit under"), has interesting variety (for example, Khaled verifying Ramon's professionalism by eavesdropping on the list of precautions he gives the other bodyguards), and finally slows down for a high level of precise detail as poor Khaled succumbs to poison. Wonderful.
Paragraph 8: "But no sooner had Khaled spotted them, the security force moved forward." "...then the security force..."?
Paragraph 16: I'm not sure of the grammatical rule here, but using present tense here "...and is the home..." suddenly sounded like a guidebook rather than Khaled's POV. I know "is" is accurate, but "was" sounds more in keeping with the overall 3rd person past tense prose.
Paragraph 21: The group of six were lead by the concierge..." obviously "led."
Paragraph 32: "No sooner had the man entered the room he was gone..." "...then he was gone." This is the second instance where "then" seems to me to be missing, so this may be intentional on your part.
| Her Royal Nonsense chapter 1 . 2/26/2013
I’ll be completely honest with you – upon reading the first few paragraphs, I really wasn’t certain I’d enjoy this story very much. There were some times when I found your writing a tad choppy and your use of some words became repetitive at times. In particular, I found the usage of ‘whilst’ to feel a bit odd and out-of-place – but that could probably be attributed to my own personal dislike of that word, aha.
But man, I hadn’t at all been expecting the ending. It came as a total shock. I found it rather fabulous and I can tell now I’m going to enjoy this piece a great deal. It seems so much more mature than the usual affair around here, and as a political science major, the social and political undertones intrigue me greatly. This fic I can tell is one after my own heart. ;)
While Al Fahir was a particularly fascinating character, I didn’t at all like him and I didn’t feel a whole lot of pity at the end when he was poisoned. I thought that was done rather well – I had not been expecting it and I hadn’t even taken a hint when you dropped all the bits about the drink having an almond-like aftertaste. It seemed very sudden to me.
Your writing also works rather well for this sort of story. It’s authoritative and directly to the point. The environments/surroundings feel authentic as well.
| persevera chapter 1 . 2/26/2013
I love your introduction to Fahir. Just a couple of phrases and you knew he was far too pampered and fussy to be tolerated, to say nothing for liked, especially the interior smelling too leathery for his taste and the umbrella obviously wasn't a luxury item—gag.
I have absolutely no problem with this guy being assassinated. I wonder though about such a long chapter just for him to die. While it's always good to set the scene and give details, the story wouldn't have suffered for fewer of them and might, in fact, have allowed the select ones to stand out a little more.
I hope there's irony that the guard he really liked was Ramon and he's the one who brought the waiter in who served him the drink. I'm intrigued that Ramon might be involved with the assassins, maybe just because I want him to continue in the story.
There were a couple of instances where that is used instead of than and I wondered about the spelling of kerb(curb?) but overall, proofreading seems good.
| darkaccalia520 chapter 2 . 2/24/2013
Ah, it's nice to be able to put a name with the face of Diana; since I've only seen the movie, I only remember her as a voice. So, okay, no Agent 47 in this, but I'm sure he'll come in somewhere. I loved the background of Diana. I do find it surprising she was the one who got the message, though...not the President himself. However, I realize she's the advisor for the President, so I guess things like that go through her. I do love how the press had a field day with the assassination, but i found that part just a little glazed over there. I realize Diana probably wouldn't know everything that happened, but I think you could have spent a little time doing a bit more of a description on what exactly Al Fahir's death affected the world. Not only that, I wonder...did the President not know? It seems to me this is a surprise when she's the one who calls him to inform him. I enjoyed the background on the Agency and what happened there. I do wonder if the President is indeed involved with Al Fahir's death...and if so, why? And, if not, who is? I would be interested in finding out. Well done. :)
| darkaccalia520 chapter 1 . 2/24/2013
Ah, please know I have never played the Hitman games, but I've seen the movie a couple of times...and I really enjoyed that. I've never read a Hitman story before, so this is pretty exciting for me.
I really loved how you set up the story with an Arab diplomat in Paris. The possible political undertones are easily visible right off the bat, though it might not exactly be clear what those are yet. I loved the talk of the reporters; certainly Al Fahir would be burdened by that fact and I would think that he would certainly not enjoy it. Ah, I loved the introduction of Gaston; I knew there was something off about him. I'm rather surprised that Al Fahir didn't notice it, though. But then again, he probably thought nothing of ordering a drink, which you pointed out. I really loved your description in this. It adds to the mood of the story. Ah, the ending was extremely well done. Again, I loved the description of Gaston bringing the drink; that was well done, and I loved how deliberate he is about everything. Again, I wonder if anyone else became suspicious of Gaston's behavior, but I have a feeling things will come out more later. Anyway, given the way Gaston was acting, I was not surprised to find the drink was poisoned. I think Al Fahir noticed as well...only too late.
I do wonder about the taste, though. I believe cyanide tastes extremely bitter...and you describe it as an almond taste...sweet. You might just want to check on that. It's not a very pleasant taste from what I've read, and I would think Al Fahir would have a bit of a different reaction upon the taste of the drink. If you want a sweeter tasting poison, something that couldn't be detected, they say antifreeze is supposed to be sweet.
Anyway, I'm expecting Agent 47 will hear about Al Fahir's death...and show up in the next chapter. I'd be interested in seeing where you go with this. Well done. :)
Some missing commas:
Bonjour monsieur Al Fahir,-Bonjour, monsieur Al Fahir,
Follow me sirs,-Follow me, sirs,
Certainly monsieur.-Certainly, monsieur.
Thanks Ramon.-Thanks, Ramon.
Certainly sir.-Certainly, sir.
| Madam'zelleGiry chapter 1 . 2/22/2013
Just a quick disclaimer that I'm going into this one completely fandom blind. :)
"As he ran, he opened..." I had a little bit of trouble following this sentence because of the length. If it were mine, I'd split it into two or even three separate sentences, just for the sake of flow.
"...scuttled after him..." I love the imagery associated with this description. I could really visualize the movements here with such a distinct word. Good choice there!
"I hate reporters." This might just be the fandom blindness talking, but this struck me as an odd thing for this character to say. It seems like it's the kind of thing that he might have left unsaid. Still, like I said, that might just be the blindness, so ignore me if that's the case. :)
Al Fahir seems like an interesting character, and I'm almost sorry that you've bumped him off already! Still, the story must go on!
Now, don't take this the wrong way, but writing death by poison is something of a pet passion of mine, so I wanted to mention the death at the end. For a victim to be able to taste the slight almond flavor that strongly, that would have to be a very strong dose. So strong that he physically wouldn't have lasted that long because an acute cyandide poisoning will kill almost instantly from the moment he ingests enough of the dose. So, the death was a bit drawn out in my opinion because he wouldn't have lasted as long as you portrayed. Still, I'm probably the only one to notice it since poisons are a pasison of mine, so it's really up to you how you choose to portray it.
As a prologue, this was interesting. I'm wondering where the death of this character is going to come into play during the rest of the story. I have a feeling that we haven't quite seen the last of Al Fahir! Looking forward to the next chapter! Keep up the great work!
| Englishrose2011 chapter 2 . 2/22/2013
a nice addition to the story, as you build up the scene, liked the way you gave diana a back story, I have only seen the film so diana was just a voice on the phone, this gives her flesh and blood. look forward to reading more soon.