|Reviews for Wahlaan|
| BlackTwistedTwilight chapter 1 . 10/23/2013
...that was pretty epic...Mind...blown. Well done!
| queend chapter 1 . 8/14/2013
There are a few typo's that you missed. And there are a few instances where your cadnce flaters and the dialgoue veers into slightly purple prose, but overall it's not a bad effort.
| Newtinmpls chapter 1 . 6/6/2013
The best part of this story is the characterization, the logic of how such very different people would view each other, I really wish that it had been able to end without the death, because I'd like to see more.
| Alone in the blight chapter 1 . 4/2/2013
deeply written. I like it .
kindly done and approved :)
| LoquaciousDreamer chapter 1 . 3/27/2013
Not a bad bit of fantasy adventure. I appreciate your imagery in particular. "The dragon's teeth had mashed flesh and steel together, etc." is a good line. Your structure is on the whole effective, and it looks as though you've gone above and beyond and actually edited this a bit. Nice work there. An earlier review commented on the dialogue, but while it is a little stilted by modern standards, I'd disagree that it would be so in a story based on Skyrim's fantasy universe. There isn't very much of it, but what's there seems reasonably functional. For the most part, the pacing is good (in fact, I noticed only one lapse in that department: the sudden move to flashback after she hits the dragon with the arrow), and that makes your story exciting. Your use of language suits the piece, and I was actually quite interested by your depiction of Lydia's personality and the way in which you used that theme to bring freshness to what would otherwise have been a fairly exact retread of a quest most readers will have played through themselves.
My critiques are somewhat longer only because I want to make sure I've explained sufficiently that you can improve.
You can simplify by just deleting "But" from its privileged position at the start of a lot of these sentences. "But this felt worse" is stronger and less rhetorical as a simple "this felt worse", no?
You overuse pronouns a bit. For instance, "She scowled. Her assent meant nothing" is a moment where you have to remember that you have a lot of female characters. While it's apparent after a moment's reflection what's going on, starting a sentence with one "she" and then suddenly switching to talking about another female's assent breaks the flow. This occurs more or less right to the end: in the second to last paragraph, for example, you have "did she have a tomb, did she have a family, gods she knew nothing about her". Again, that's the sort of thing that will break the reader's rhythm. This is where most authors would bring us back to Indrele for a moment, some physical sensation or small action. Then move ahead with "Gods, she knew nothing about Lydia."
You break the "show-don't-tell" rule a little too much as well. Granted, it's fantasy, so we forgive a bit of expository shoe-horning as just the nature of the beast, you go overboard at points. According to modern convention, you should probably restrict your adverb use more than you do, and sentences like this one...
"The dragon shrieked as its weakened flesh was ravaged by electricity"
... should be shortened to something both less purple and less informed. What is Indrele really seeing in the moment? The dragon is shrieking. All that about the weakened flesh and ravaging electricity is just her rhetorical aside, apparently to herself. "Wow, I'm really RAVAGING that dragon! Yeah!" What are we supposed to take away from this? Does she always act as her own cheerleader during a battle? This kind of description would be more allowable in 3rd person omniscient, but in 3rd person limited, the author is usually called upon to keep the story on an experiential level. In other words, the protagonist should not be editorializing to this extent. As a second example, "the dragon, incensed that its fire hadn't burned her mortal form to ash" is on the surface overwritten but perhaps forgiveable as a bit of intentionally over-the-top wryness on the protag's part. The real problem is that she's still editorializing: maybe Indrele is only assuming that the dragon is angry rather than calculating at this point, but if so what is her evidence? Is its tail lashing? Is it snarling? Did it, perchance, just tweet "OMG, guys, I totally thought she was toast. Grr, so pissed right now!"? I know that when you're caught up in the moment it's easy to let something like this slip, but try to remember to show more and tell less. It breaks the reader's connection to the character when the character in question seems to take action based on information to which the reader is not privy. Show-don't-tell could also be applied to the finale, which wraps up with Indrele basically telling us all that she's sad, and here's why. It's the textual equivalent of voice-over explaining the end of a film. I can understand wanting to bring this to a close while emotions are still high from the battle, but you might find that actually writing out a final scene of dialogue between Indrele and Delphine (or even an NPC) might offer you greater opportunity to reflect on the theme without seeming quite so removed. A reader will always connect more with things he or she can "see" and "feel" as the protagonist does.
Finally, there's the story's "point". I don't want to belabour this criticism too much, because of course this is only a fanfiction and no one really expects it to be your grand argument on anything in particular, but I would say that while the story is exciting and diverting, your main character doesn't seem to have developed that much. In a first chapter, I would say "wait and see", but this is apparently all we're going to get. So why exactly was Indrele interesting? Why would we care about this particular moment in her life? All I'm really getting out of this is "it's sad when people die. Even if they were assholes that one time." I respect what you've done with the grieving and the recognition of Lydia's nobility, but to be frank it looks like this was more Lydia's big moment of conflict than Indrele's. That begs the question of why the fairly uncomplicated Indrele was the protagonist. Okay, Lydia died for duty. Indrele spent most of the story reflecting that Lydia was only present because she was very devoted to her duty. It's not exactly a shock.
Overall, I reiterate that this was a pretty good work, but it could use some sprucing up and some greater focus on characterization and conflict.
| Napalmman.EXE chapter 1 . 3/19/2013
| Misdiagnosed Ghost chapter 1 . 3/13/2013
I adored this. Morbid, and a good read. I'm very impressed by your work, and hope that you will post more in Fanfic.
Keep up your brilliant work!
| ShoutFinder chapter 1 . 2/26/2013
Wow. I loved this.
I particularly loved the use of words that you described certain parts. 'It was like a cremation in reverse'. You are too true in that regard.
And Lydia's my favourite housecarl out of all the others. I like the relationship between her and Indrele, and it's good to know that Lydia died doing her duty (even if she resented it...)
You should be doing Skyrim fanfictions more often!
| TommyHalen chapter 1 . 2/26/2013
You mention too many characters in your opening paragraph
You’ve made the classic mistake of opening with story (action / dialog) and then slipping into paragraphs of info dumps. The transition from each is jarring
“"Get away! A dragon! It's coming!"- This dialog is extremely unnatural
Some of your sentences are awkwardly phrased, like this one “Mirmulnir's soul inside her trembled as she observed the beast”
When you describe the dragon you overuse the word “its”
I’m noticing a lot of awkward LY adverbs that are disrupting your flow
“Delphine admonished” way too fancy tag. Distracting
“even if she was still alive, there was nothing much that could done” – you missed “be” at the end. I noticed another typo before but didn’t say anything because admittedly they are a rarity.
I liked the battle scene. The story got better after the info dumps.
| WestCarolina chapter 1 . 2/18/2013
Pretty good story. straight to the point with details and such, Sheogorath rewards you with cheese
| FluffTheMuffin chapter 1 . 2/11/2013
Your story is bad and you should feel bad.
| Lord Jacob Of Writing chapter 1 . 1/29/2013
Hmm, interesting idea. Lydia always seemed pretty sullen and bored to me, as if she didn't give a shit. Still, I liked her well enough.
It's quite original to have a Dunmer dragonborn. You see plenty of them as main characters in the Oblivon part of the fandom, but in the Skyrim fandom, they are seldom found.
I should also add, that while it was well written and made me smile, Dunmer aren't one hundred percent fire resistant. So I very much doubt that Dragonbreathe would feel like a,"soft breeze."
Still, the rest of your story is good. Very good. It's not the best I'v read in this franchise, but it's close enough.
The only other problem with it is that for a one-shot, it's too short.
| Ecrulis chapter 1 . 1/12/2013
You recently reviewed the first chapter of my story so I figured I would read yours, I liked it and thought as other have mentioned that it had pretty good flow.
You call my story insipid yet the aspect that you take offense to seems to be the Bethesda established lore surrounding Molag Bal, yes the acts committed on his summoning day, are gross, horrible, disgusting and vile (an act btw I have 0 intention of depicting in detail I'm not writing smut here) I want my story to focus not on the act itself but to tell the story of a young woman who needs to find a way to cope with the act itself and its result (pureblooded vampire) There is a reason my story is labeled as mature and in the future I simply ask that if you cannot handle mature content to simply move on without commenting.
| Pandanima chapter 1 . 1/9/2013
This was lovely. And very similar to how my Lydia died, although it was a boring sabre cat and not an epic dragon fight that did her in. I always hated the resentful way she spoke to me, but I was sad when she was gone.
I'm jealous of your style. I don't write action half so well. Thanks for the good read!
| L. C. Whitcroft chapter 1 . 1/8/2013
Short and to the point; it's not usually the sort of story I read, but I was drawn to it after spying one of your no-nonsense reviews on another skyrim fanfic. Overall it's solid and goes from point A to point.. A 1/2? I'd like to see something lengthier from you on skyrim even though it's been fanfic'd to death. I guess I was craving a three cheese basil and bay leaf tortellini and was served powder mac & cheese instead.
Overall: 4/5 But take my rating with a grain of salt.
TL:DR, I liked it alright.