|Reviews for The Prodigal Broken|
| Johto Gunner chapter 1 . 2/7/2013
Wow... you really know how to make a good story. I think the diolouge could use a little work but honestly, this is a really good story.
Will you be continuing this soon?
| Farla chapter 1 . 1/10/2013
[A building of beautiful marble and blackened wood ]
Blackened wood usually meant blackened by fire. If you mean naturally dark, just say dark, if you mean it's grown darker by aging, say "wood darkened by age" or something.
[Empowered by the legendary pokemon Mew and Celebi, the Blademasters possess speed, strength, long life, and many other traits beyond most humans. The Lorn family, specialists in the Style of speed, capable of cutting a raindrop in two, of drawing, striking, and sheathing a blade in a single blink of an eye. ]
This really doesn't seem to have much to do with pokemon. Those abilities aren't at all in theme with either of the legendaries you mention, and they're really more like the standard set of sword superpowers anyway.
[In the space of a single moment, the girl blurs, a dozen afterimages attacking the two adults with phenomenal speed. ]
This is a visual trope. A rather silly one at that.
So in addition to these powers being generic sword superpowers, their actual power source is called "spirit" so there's no connection to pokemon there either.
Your spacing is irregular. There should be a space between all paragraphs.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," she said or "Hello!" she said, never "Hello." She said or "Hello." she said or "Hello," She said or "Hello" she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." She grinned, never "Hello," she grinned or "Hello," She grinned or "Hello." she grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," she said. "This is it." not "Hi," she said, "this is it." or "Hi," she said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," she said, "is it." And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
….and now the mom's being evil while the dad's good, yet again. And oh, it's a stepmom thing too because this isn't her actual daughter, it's her sister's daughter.
[ She was younger and I was stronger, and while Catherine got trained for this life by the age of five, Rebecca got spoilt like crazy. ]
First off, don't have your character talk in third person. Second, this is terrible reasoning. How does being resentful of the fact her younger sister got an easy life mean resenting the niece who apparently ended up next in line and in her same position of trained with no choice in the matter? And you can't just say people are irrational when your character is levelheaded enough to be laying out her exact reasoning.
Then they tell her she doesn't need to do this anymore, she takes it badly, Catherine realizes she actually wanted to do this, and...they don't just say that okay if she wants to do this she can stay? It's not clear if this is because they're idiots or if it's because she can't be trained no matter what if there's anyone else in the line of succession because their entire system is designed by idiots.
And now she's gone to the imprisoned demon to be tricked, because apparently "hey, there's a demon in there and you shouldn't listen to it when it says it's nice" is the last rather than first thing they teach their superpowered kids, because that's not the most idiotic thing imaginable at all. If you need her possessed, why not just say that the binding is a hell of a lot weaker and that all it takes is strong emotion and hate to let it possess you, instead of her being a complete idiot as well.
Anyway, this really doesn't seem like much of a karmic fall, since it's really just happening because a kid got angry and was an idiot. You need to establish that the contributing factors were because of the decadence and arrogance - that's why they're relying on a heir system of forcing one person into the role instead of it going to the best suited, that's why they inexplicably keep it a secret that there's a demon you shouldn't release, etc.
Also this really seems like it's your own fantasy setting, with the gods there renamed to Mew and Celebi. How do pokemon and pokemon trainers factor into your legendary swordfighter families and their magic swordfighting powers?