|Reviews for Of Hilt, Haft and Hem|
| Great Angemon chapter 2 . 1/14
The first thing I noticed was the strange format of the second paragraph. The line seemed to be broken into three parts, but they were stacked on top of each other, like a paragraph.
Even Dwarven kids are strong enough to break porcelain statues? They must have muscles growing on top of their muscles for a five year old to be able to do that.
Ooh, Dori, I love him. I'm glad you've added a familiar character. It makes the story feel like it actually takes place in Tolkein's universe. And Thorin! Stop being so mean to Fili! He's only fiv! He doesn't know any better. But he shouldn't be pointing swords at girls. An important lesson to learn.
I'm really enjoying this story. The characters are all believable and the writing is very in-tune with Tolkein's style. I feel like I'm reading a part of another one of his books, socongrats on that.
| Great Angemon chapter 1 . 1/14
Wow! That opening paragraph! I mean it, that was awesome. I mean, reading that was like I was reading one of Tolkein's books! You did a great job of capturing the essence of how he phrased things like that, telling you what the story was about without ruining anything.
I loved the first chapter to this story! The way you described the battle, through Fili even though he wasn't really there in his mind. that was absolutely fantastic! And I loved the way you described Thorin's smile. He was always so serious in the Hobbit book, so it's nice to know that he can do something like a smile.
One thing I noticed, paragraph four after the first line break, you said, "It is a strange thing, than when in battle," but, unless I'm just not getting something, I think you meant, "That when in battle." If not, ignore me, please.
| reminiscent-afterthought chapter 1 . 8/7/2013
Never heard of a "haft" before, but I love the alliteration in the title.
A little nitprick in terms of your chapter title: in the drop down menu, you’ve written it with a lowercase “of”, while after the author’s notes you’ve used a capital “Of”. I prefer to see them consistent.
I like that little introduction. At first I wondered as to the “antiquated” term, since it looked a little elegant on the offset but it suits quite well with the narrative voice you’ve adopted. I read the Hobbit after LoTR though, so I always think of its language as rather simplistic in comparison…which doesn’t exactly put it onto perspective. So unexpected, but rather pleasant to read. In contrast though, something like “plenty” comes out as being very colloquial; it’s also more common as an adjective than a noun.
You’ve also related the olden setting to modern times very nicely; it makes the story relevant as well as interesting, and therefore more memorable.
“Innumerable dark bats” reminds me of that prophecy in the first season of Digimon. Anyway, I find it odd you’ve used “darkened” and then “dark” in the same sentence; perhaps a synonym? And I’m not quite sure what you were going for with the bats. You’ve said it as though the bats are literal instead of metaphorical, but I don’t recall anything like bats in Tolkien’s world. I thought you mapped out the battle stage very well though, in general with both sight and sound and then into a more specific number. I take it those thirteen are the dwarves that go with Bilbo. “Hemming” was a very nice word to use as well.
[It is a strange thing, than when in battle,] – do you mean “that when in battle”?
I also like how you merged the past with the present so nicely. Although I think, since there’s no space after the ellipses implying it’s a continuation of the same sentence, it should be a lowercase “a”. And I’m reminded of Filli in Deltora Quest, even though that one has an extra “l”…and is a small furry animal. :)
The scene that follows just screams cuteness. You’ve used “young” twice in the same sentence though; makes for awkward phrasing. I also found this part: [Fili knows his mother doesn't want to be here anymore. He knows his father's gone too."] – sounds a little less formal than the rest of your dialogue. [Does he know] as well, but less so; that one could be rephrased as “Is he aware of..?” but I’m not sure how to go about the other one. Also things like “get home” as opposed to “return”; words like “Aye and “lord” and such, and the lack of contractions in things like “I am sorry” do speak towards that more formal tone, which is more appropriate from Tolkien’s perspective. And the axe makes a very prominent part in that scene too.
It’s very fitting to end that chapter with “I promise”; it’s a very real example of what you introduced at the beginning.
| SunnyStorms chapter 4 . 7/21/2013
Fili continues to be so flipping adorable and lovable in this. Your descriptions were the standout this chapter. Your manner of wording describes the scene so vividly and beautifully with many turn of phrases and imagery that I found quite refreshing. I particularly loved your take on the storm. Some standout lines from that part for me were:
/The clouds were deep grey, and there was ice in their hearts. A storm like this would cut the delicate flowers to ribbons./ -What a great way to convey the intensity of a storm.
/The vibrant colour seemed to leech from the grass and flowers, leaving them dull copies./ -And again, what a great way to describe that dull cast of color that the world turns with an impending storm.
The part about Fili falling with Kili was quite tense for me as well even though I knew they'd turn out fine. Once more, I loved that you continued to echo the motif of promises through this story at each chapter's end.
Your narrator was much more intrusive this chapter and I'm uncertain how I feel about that. It did make for a little more jarring read for me with the frequent switching between tenses and pulling away from the scene every so often.
Overall though, I'm continuing to enjoy the story.
The SpaG related things:
/I myself once [gad] my kitchen knives/ -had?
/one hand [protectively] over the baby's head/ -If not missing verb, then it should be protective as an adj. to describe the hand rather than an adverb
/[Mum] held her [shirts] up with one hand/ -Mim and skirt?
/Hala twisted the curl of her [heard] around her finger/ - beard?
/"Can we please go Hala?"/ - go [comma] Hala
/first jagged flesh of [lightening]./ - lightning?
| SunnyStorms chapter 3 . 7/21/2013
Oh wait, one more thing about the last chapter that I forgot to mention. I did have a question about this section:
/"Her confinement will end soon," Hala said, closing the door to the dim room.
In this matter, Thorin Oakenshield would trust the woman.
"Beg pardon lord," Hala looked briefly back to the door, "it is too soon."/
-The dialogue didn't flow very logically for me in that part. I couldn't see what it was about Thorin's words that would prompt Hala's answer. Additionally, for extra clarity that Thorin spoke the second line of dialogue, I would suggest putting it in the same paragraph as /In this matter, Thorin Oakenshield would trust the woman./
As for this chapter:
Another well done addition to the story. The emotions were particularly high and raw in this chapter. I was moved nearly to tears myself for the young Fili to have to face such tremendous loss at so young an age. I also liked the subtle touch with which you conveyed Hala's emotions as well from the way her needles slowed, thinking of her husband, to the unintentional brusqueness with which she sent the children to bed after witnessing Fili's sadness. The moment of shared grief between nephew and uncle was also a very striking one. It's a moment that lingers with you. Excellent job there.
Again your descriptions were very well done and enabled me to picture the scenes very vividly. I particularly liked the phrasing of Thorin's face being "set like the stone of their home" and all the passages regarding fire which well conveyed its allure and beauty for the dwarves.
But to balance with all the sadness in the chapter, I loved that you ended it with the sweet moment between the brothers. And again the echo of another promise being made further keeps a tight thematic hold over the story.
As for suggestions, I have a little more for you this chapter:
/There is, I am told, something particularly alluring in fire for dwarves/ -This line came across as a random insertion of info since the line right before it was about the children's boredom and the bit right after was Fili asking about his mother. Thus the line didn't seem relevant to the surrounding context. I would suggest moving it elsewhere, closer to the sections related to them observing the fire.
/He did not mind the small murmurings and shuffling, but he had no children of his own./ -The relationship between the two phrases doesn't quite make sense as one of complete contrast.
/Every few moments she dragged her gaze from the grate, down the dimmed hallway./ -I felt that the two sections separated by the comma needed more of a transition. It felt incomplete as a sentence.
/They passed the reception hall, one of the niches still empty, and stopped in the corridor./ -I was at first confused what the relevance of the niche being empty was and then I remembered about the broken statue in the previous chapter. Still, I think it's an unimportant detail for the scene you're writing, so I would suggest just leaving it out.
Typos: /There Thorin lowered himself to [knees knees]/ and /Hala tried to speak once and [founder] her throat tight./
| SunnyStorms chapter 2 . 7/21/2013
Truly wonder characterizations all around. Fili and Mim are adorable and a delight to read. You've continued to portray them as the children that they are in all their playfulness and contrition at being caught disobeying. Thorin too was great - we get a good sense of how much he cares for his nephew but at the same time feels compelled to raise him well with all the sternness that he feels it demands of him. A particularly effective portrayal of that was how you wrote his actions after he left the room. Hala too definitely comes across as the loving mother-figure that she is but is no pushover either. Even Dori at the end in his brief appearance I could picture quite well.
I also really liked your bits of description through this that gave me more insight into the dwarves' world such as here:
/The brackets that held them ranged from beaten bronze to salvaged tin./ -Metals would be a thing that these dwarves would have detailed knowledge about and experience working with, so I loved that this detail here captured that aspect about them by being so specific as to the type of metal and how it's worked.
/A rug, all in the warm, earthy tones loved by dwarves, kept them off the cold stone./ -Again, I love when a descriptive detail gives us something more about the person and/or the setting than just merely the physical appearance of it.
Overall, I loved the chapter for the snapshot it gave us of Fili and Mim's friendship and how it showcased Fili's honor-bound nature.
| SunnyStorms chapter 1 . 7/21/2013
You've certainly got the feel for Tolkien's style of language. The grand, sweeping, and mythic nature of the battles in his books is well on displayed in your intro. I loved the details of the sounds especially. It was also great the way you smoothly transitioned from that moment back to the past. My only suggestion for the intro, the italicized portion, is that a little bit of it sounded repetitive: e.g. the use of "bats" in the first two sentence and the two phrases "small band did not yield" and "yet soon the company must yield" in such close proximity.
Little Fili is adorable, and he did come across as the young child that he is. One of the writing things that get at me is when children characters aren't characterized as children, but no problem in that regard here. I'm not very familiar with Tolkien's work, so I'm glad that you provided us enough details that I knew enough about the characters relationship to each other here to follow the story. Nice details too in your descriptions of Thorin and Hala which gave us a bigger sense of who they are than just their physical appearance.
One small suggestion for this part here:
/"Does he know?" the dwarf questioned. He was of course, the Thorin Oakenshield/ -'He' at first seems to suggest the "he" mentioned in the dialogue when you go on to mean the speaker instead. Just for extra clarity, I'd suggest rewording it to remove the ambiguity. "the Thorin Oakenshield" also sounded strange to me with that article there, but perhaps this is a Tolkien manner of expression?
I liked too that you ended this on Fili's "I promise" since promises was the subject that was focused on in the first half. It tied it together for a tight intro chapter while putting emphasis on what I have a feeling will continue to be important for the rest of the story.
| StrawberryDuckFeathers chapter 3 . 7/20/2013
I like that you always mention it being different in the place that Fili, Hala, Mim and Thorin are in. It makes me wonder if maybe something bad will happen to them, or maybe if there will be something later that shows us that they are different to the other dwarves somehow. :) I also like the possible symbolism of autumn, as for me, autumn is when things become gloomy and when the plants start to wilt and die- and maybe the same will happen with one, or some of the dwarves. :O [It was not the first time Fili had heard that answer. ] This line sounded so sad...I felt sorry for Fili for not being able to see his mother, but I wonder if she's actually dead now. :( The way she gives that warning glare to Balin makes me think she's very protective of those kids, which is sweet. :)
Aww, that was so sad when Fili found out about his mother. It seemed that Thorin was quite on the way but not just because of his somewhat-serious nature, but I think it did well to show his sadness as well. :) I like how there's been a revelation of a death, and then also a revelation of new life, the little baby Kili. I like the suddenness of a fire, like things have warmed up inside him upon seeing the baby. :D
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Here is my critique and some suggestions for you. :)
. ("Very well," Balin lowered himself onto the side of the bed.) When dialogue is followed with a non-dialogue-tag, then the comma in the speech turns into a full stop. Nothing changes when you use ? or ! though. :)
[ "Very well." Balin lowered himself onto the side of the bed. ] ["Very well," Balin lowered himself onto the side of the bed.
. (Fili's blonde hair) The blonde used for boys is spelt 'blond'. :)
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Great work on this chapter, and keep up the good work! :D
| StrawberryDuckFeathers chapter 2 . 7/20/2013
I liked the description of the light; it seems it's very light everywhere except for in one particular room, and that makes me wonder if it's symbolism for there being a much darker mood in one of them...I wonder what's going on? I do like how the sinister tone flows into the carefree, childlike happy tone of Fili, however, and his playful nature. I do wonder if it's not all going to be happiness for him later, though, and I do like the transitions between Fili's and Thorin's scenes, and I like how the tones change greatly between them both.
Aww, it's a real shame that Thorin's beliefs of having his son grow up tough might hinder Fili's childhood a bit. His dad seems so deadly serious, but he just isn't like that. I felt so sorry for him when he started crying, since he just wanted to play and have fun, and probably didn't want to have that constant focus on his future like his dad wants him to have. I supose it could just be Thorin being protective, wanting his son to be able to fight for himself, should him or a future member of his family get into trouble.
Oh my, that was a shock when Fili broke the model of the gates, since I knew exactly then that Hala and Thorin would be furious...but it was sweet of Mim to tell the lie, though. I really liked that Fili kept trying to own up to it as well, since it was sweet to see him care about a friend like that.
I don't know why, but that last line implied to me that the hall of records wouldn't be the one place where they can't cause mischief- Mim pulling faces sounded to me like the start of something else that would get them into trouble! :O
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Here is my critique/suggestions for you. :)
("Beg pardon lord," Hala looked briefly back to the door, "it is too soon.") I think that this is acceptable, but a somwhat- clearer method of indicating a non-dialogue tag between dialogue is in this way:
[ "Beg pardon lord" -Hala looked briefly back to the door- "it is too soon." ]
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Another great chapter, and I love your characterisation for the dwarf children! Keep up the good work. :)
| StrawberryDuckFeathers chapter 1 . 7/19/2013
. Fandom blind! .
Normally I am not a fan of the 'Of X and Y' titles, but the summary and the title appear to fit very nicely in this case, and I think it's because it gives some kind of a storytelling feel to it, and it makes it sound like it's a story with a lot of meaning to it. I can't really explain, but it works here. :)
I really love the descriptions in the first section of the story. I especially love the way you describe all of the noise, like the way the bats' cries merge with the wargs, and I think it creates a really chaotic war-like atmosphere that works well. I also like what appears to be symbolism; the way the armour is bright even in the dark sounds to me like, even in the darkness and the danger of the fight, they're still full of determination. :) I really liked the 'does he know' line for its enticing quality- does he know what, I wonder?
I also like the way you've set up the dialogue between Thorin and Hala, as I found it very realistic and engaging. I thought that Fili's happiness at seeing Mim was really cute. :) I really like how Fili seems special to Thorin as well, since he's the only one who can make him smile.
I liked the ending to this since it leaves two possible outcomes, and then you've got no idea where the plot's off to next. Will he keep that promise, or will he not?
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Here is my critique/suggestions for you. :)
. (It is a strange thing, than when in battle,) In this section, did you mean to say 'that' rather than 'than'? It does not make sense to me, but I'm unsure if this is a typo or if I'm missing the point. :)
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A great chapter with a brilliant fight scene! Keep up the good work! :D :D
| The Wayfaring Strangers chapter 1 . 7/10/2013
Aww. You do so well with feels. :)
And I liked the note at the beginning. It was written very much ion the style of The Hobbit.
| Tune4Toons chapter 5 . 7/10/2013
Ahh, the scenery is beautiful to me indeed, so the difference between me and the dwarves was interesting to see—I have a feeling that quality to them will be involved here soon enough. :) oh the red! I remember Mim and Fili mentioning that in the earlier chapters. Haha I love the ever increasing growth—the difference in genders grows more distinct between them (it's almost like a study on dwarves, this story, really cool). Ahh, not flowers, it matches their skill for mining and smithing though. Another lovely chapter, and I sense in the future chapters, we'll see Fili's development with Kili more I bet. :D Cheers!
| Hurlstien chapter 4 . 7/9/2013
I like how you're including bits of detail of the surroundings and the Dwarven race in each chapter. It adds more to the story and makes it more real than if you just skipped it.
You've gone all out with the description in this chapter, and it's really very good!
["I'm sorry Hala," Fili said tearfully, "but I didn't drop him."] Aww, that's so sweet!
So this chapter was a little uneventful, but you're building on Kili's relationship with his brother, which you need to do in order to progress, I'm sure. I'm glad to see you aren't neglecting character development (not that I think you would; you're far too skilled at writing), a lot of people tend to forget about it.
[once gad my kitchen knives] I think you meant [had].
[the sun was a t high noon] you've got a space in .
[a prim imitation of her mother] I looked up the word [prim] and it fits, but I thought I'd just put it here anyway in case you meant [prime] instead.
[Mum held her shirts] I think you meant [Mim held her skirts].
Yet again, a good chapter! Good luck in the review-a-thon, and have a good time camping! :D
| Hurlstien chapter 3 . 7/9/2013
[When he accepted it, he joked that red was a practical colour. He wore the vest to Moria.] It sounds like Tarm died at Moria? If so, this is a very loose suggestion of it. I like it, it doesn't tell you for sure, but it allows the reader to think about it and come to their own decision. You do it again here: [His wife; three days before the dragon came to Erebor.] and it really does add something to the piece. Kinda reminds me a little of Stephen King.
["How about the story about the beautiful dwarf woman and the seven Men?"] I liked this. A nod to Snow white and the Seven Dwarves?
["You will have to check with your uncle Thorin."] Ah, does this mean it was a true story I wonder? And that Thorin has something to do with it? Or maybe its just because Thorin has arrived to take Fili away.
[Where his uncle knelt on the stone until his knees were numb, and cried until his beard was wet.] I loved this sentence! Its got a lovely flow and is quite poetic.
[in earthy brown for dwarves] I think you could do with a comma after [brown].
[lowered himself to knees knees and put] I think you maybe meant [lowered himself to his knees and put].
Again, great chapter!
| Hurlstien chapter 2 . 7/9/2013
Even though, I don't know the characters at all, I get the sense Thorin in being kept in character because already I know he is the fearless warrior type. Someone who is more attuned to fighting than looking after children, which is why he's having a little bit of trouble and is being a bit harsh concerning Fili.
Between this bit: [The scratch of Dori's quill was loud in the quiet room.] and this bit: ["Could you please make use of these trouble makers until I come for them?"] I felt there could've been some sort of transition. For example: [Dori nodded and Hala left.] with maybe a little more words than that, I dunno. But I just thought it was rather abrupt otherwise.
I'm wondering if Mim will become important later on. If she'll end up as a love interest perhaps? Or someone Fili makes a promise to.
[dwarves are expert at] I think you meant [experts].
But really, your writing is amazingly free of grammar blemishes :)
Another great chapter!