|Reviews for Of Hilt, Haft and Hem|
| StrawberryDuckFeathers chapter 2 . 7/20/2013
I liked the description of the light; it seems it's very light everywhere except for in one particular room, and that makes me wonder if it's symbolism for there being a much darker mood in one of them...I wonder what's going on? I do like how the sinister tone flows into the carefree, childlike happy tone of Fili, however, and his playful nature. I do wonder if it's not all going to be happiness for him later, though, and I do like the transitions between Fili's and Thorin's scenes, and I like how the tones change greatly between them both.
Aww, it's a real shame that Thorin's beliefs of having his son grow up tough might hinder Fili's childhood a bit. His dad seems so deadly serious, but he just isn't like that. I felt so sorry for him when he started crying, since he just wanted to play and have fun, and probably didn't want to have that constant focus on his future like his dad wants him to have. I supose it could just be Thorin being protective, wanting his son to be able to fight for himself, should him or a future member of his family get into trouble.
Oh my, that was a shock when Fili broke the model of the gates, since I knew exactly then that Hala and Thorin would be furious...but it was sweet of Mim to tell the lie, though. I really liked that Fili kept trying to own up to it as well, since it was sweet to see him care about a friend like that.
I don't know why, but that last line implied to me that the hall of records wouldn't be the one place where they can't cause mischief- Mim pulling faces sounded to me like the start of something else that would get them into trouble! :O
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Here is my critique/suggestions for you. :)
("Beg pardon lord," Hala looked briefly back to the door, "it is too soon.") I think that this is acceptable, but a somwhat- clearer method of indicating a non-dialogue tag between dialogue is in this way:
[ "Beg pardon lord" -Hala looked briefly back to the door- "it is too soon." ]
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Another great chapter, and I love your characterisation for the dwarf children! Keep up the good work. :)
| StrawberryDuckFeathers chapter 1 . 7/19/2013
. Fandom blind! .
Normally I am not a fan of the 'Of X and Y' titles, but the summary and the title appear to fit very nicely in this case, and I think it's because it gives some kind of a storytelling feel to it, and it makes it sound like it's a story with a lot of meaning to it. I can't really explain, but it works here. :)
I really love the descriptions in the first section of the story. I especially love the way you describe all of the noise, like the way the bats' cries merge with the wargs, and I think it creates a really chaotic war-like atmosphere that works well. I also like what appears to be symbolism; the way the armour is bright even in the dark sounds to me like, even in the darkness and the danger of the fight, they're still full of determination. :) I really liked the 'does he know' line for its enticing quality- does he know what, I wonder?
I also like the way you've set up the dialogue between Thorin and Hala, as I found it very realistic and engaging. I thought that Fili's happiness at seeing Mim was really cute. :) I really like how Fili seems special to Thorin as well, since he's the only one who can make him smile.
I liked the ending to this since it leaves two possible outcomes, and then you've got no idea where the plot's off to next. Will he keep that promise, or will he not?
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Here is my critique/suggestions for you. :)
. (It is a strange thing, than when in battle,) In this section, did you mean to say 'that' rather than 'than'? It does not make sense to me, but I'm unsure if this is a typo or if I'm missing the point. :)
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A great chapter with a brilliant fight scene! Keep up the good work! :D :D
| The Wayfaring Strangers chapter 1 . 7/10/2013
Aww. You do so well with feels. :)
And I liked the note at the beginning. It was written very much ion the style of The Hobbit.
| Tune4Toons chapter 5 . 7/10/2013
Ahh, the scenery is beautiful to me indeed, so the difference between me and the dwarves was interesting to see—I have a feeling that quality to them will be involved here soon enough. :) oh the red! I remember Mim and Fili mentioning that in the earlier chapters. Haha I love the ever increasing growth—the difference in genders grows more distinct between them (it's almost like a study on dwarves, this story, really cool). Ahh, not flowers, it matches their skill for mining and smithing though. Another lovely chapter, and I sense in the future chapters, we'll see Fili's development with Kili more I bet. :D Cheers!
| Hurlstien chapter 4 . 7/9/2013
I like how you're including bits of detail of the surroundings and the Dwarven race in each chapter. It adds more to the story and makes it more real than if you just skipped it.
You've gone all out with the description in this chapter, and it's really very good!
["I'm sorry Hala," Fili said tearfully, "but I didn't drop him."] Aww, that's so sweet!
So this chapter was a little uneventful, but you're building on Kili's relationship with his brother, which you need to do in order to progress, I'm sure. I'm glad to see you aren't neglecting character development (not that I think you would; you're far too skilled at writing), a lot of people tend to forget about it.
[once gad my kitchen knives] I think you meant [had].
[the sun was a t high noon] you've got a space in .
[a prim imitation of her mother] I looked up the word [prim] and it fits, but I thought I'd just put it here anyway in case you meant [prime] instead.
[Mum held her shirts] I think you meant [Mim held her skirts].
Yet again, a good chapter! Good luck in the review-a-thon, and have a good time camping! :D
| Hurlstien chapter 3 . 7/9/2013
[When he accepted it, he joked that red was a practical colour. He wore the vest to Moria.] It sounds like Tarm died at Moria? If so, this is a very loose suggestion of it. I like it, it doesn't tell you for sure, but it allows the reader to think about it and come to their own decision. You do it again here: [His wife; three days before the dragon came to Erebor.] and it really does add something to the piece. Kinda reminds me a little of Stephen King.
["How about the story about the beautiful dwarf woman and the seven Men?"] I liked this. A nod to Snow white and the Seven Dwarves?
["You will have to check with your uncle Thorin."] Ah, does this mean it was a true story I wonder? And that Thorin has something to do with it? Or maybe its just because Thorin has arrived to take Fili away.
[Where his uncle knelt on the stone until his knees were numb, and cried until his beard was wet.] I loved this sentence! Its got a lovely flow and is quite poetic.
[in earthy brown for dwarves] I think you could do with a comma after [brown].
[lowered himself to knees knees and put] I think you maybe meant [lowered himself to his knees and put].
Again, great chapter!
| Hurlstien chapter 2 . 7/9/2013
Even though, I don't know the characters at all, I get the sense Thorin in being kept in character because already I know he is the fearless warrior type. Someone who is more attuned to fighting than looking after children, which is why he's having a little bit of trouble and is being a bit harsh concerning Fili.
Between this bit: [The scratch of Dori's quill was loud in the quiet room.] and this bit: ["Could you please make use of these trouble makers until I come for them?"] I felt there could've been some sort of transition. For example: [Dori nodded and Hala left.] with maybe a little more words than that, I dunno. But I just thought it was rather abrupt otherwise.
I'm wondering if Mim will become important later on. If she'll end up as a love interest perhaps? Or someone Fili makes a promise to.
[dwarves are expert at] I think you meant [experts].
But really, your writing is amazingly free of grammar blemishes :)
Another great chapter!
| Hurlstien chapter 1 . 7/9/2013
Review-a-thon time! :D
I liked the introduction to this, tells us roughly what this story will be about, promises. And you're right, too, I seem to recollect that someones word held a lot of weight in LotR.
'Kay, so I'm completely fandom blind. This feels as though it's based on canon, but you've gone further to give us more information on relationships and history, which I'm sure fans will enjoy.
You've managed to show us what's happening rather than telling, which is great! We learn about Fili's mother and father and the situation through the conversation between Thorin and Hala.
I feel you've kept Fili very childlike, which is good; many authors, when writing children, tend to screw it up by making them talk like mini adults, even published ones! But I feel you've managed to keep him a child, which was probably quite hard if he's never seen as a child in the canon.
Thorin trying to address his nephew as his nephew and not a soldier was good, shows him struggling with the life a family a little, seeing as he seems to be mostly all about fighting for his people (like a King should). I should imagine that's quite a realistic detail you've added.
[a strange thing, than when in battle] I think you meant to put [that]?
[to wait by his uncle Thorin] I think there should be a comma after [uncle].
[than only young children] should be [that].
Good first chapter, it sets us up, I think, for what is to come :)
| Tune4Toons chapter 4 . 7/3/2013
Alrighty, so this one's a sort of half-filler, full-development stage in a way from what I'm getting. XD It's definitely a nice break from the feels, and the story's been well paced this far. I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but your transitions between time spans run really smoothly. Haha increasing the tension ever so slightly, especially with the end there. It definitely ties in the entire family and promises theme, like how even subtle but important things carry that weight to them. I just glanced back at the request form and Mim's an OC? Heh I honestly didn't notice, so she blends well with the rest of the children cast, especially since the focus is more on Fili's growth, so that's refreshing to see (for me since it's been a while since I've seen something like this haha).
(")Yes, Hala," he smiled up at her. - missing quotation mark
sun was a t high noon - spacing
Alrighty, for my own personal leisure, I'll probably be following the story silently (:p) but I'm more than glad to get this added to the archives! I really like what you have here so far, so hopefully we'll be able to see more.
| Tune4Toons chapter 3 . 7/3/2013
Gah! And it forces my previous wonderings to the back burner haha. I think I'm getting a good feel for the way you're working the timeline in the story, end then all the way round straight from the beginning. So this is not too long after the last chapter? :) Oh my goodness, you could feel so much weight on poor Hala, even the strong women are weak to something like this, astagah… It's nice how you shortened Balin's story to just what was needed, good good. (And even before then, you could feel that tension building as you ease us into this very scene that's—) Oh my god, Fili's question, you are plucking heart strings there, man! There's just something about an "innocently" asked question like that that is just gonna— agh, okay. So the next chapter is probably Fili and Kili together just based on this set up alone. I do wonder if Fili's promises will backfire on him though, because for some reason, there's that underlying tension of that that I feel underneath the surface of the story, if that made sense haha. It's a real lovely story you got here so far! Next chapter's more for my own intents and purposes now haha. XD
| Tune4Toons chapter 2 . 7/3/2013
So as a quick mention, I'm usually one of those who have something against an all-italic chapter, though it serves its purpose here. If I hadn't mentioned this explicitly, imagery is definitely your biggest strong suit—doesn't take too many words to conjure up an easy-to-imagine setting and atmosphere both outside and inside. Haha Fili and Mim are adorable! I remember when my friend used to be like that to me. You definitely have that mischievous-yet-innocent feel to Fili and the goody-goody Mim down. XD Ah, what will happen to Dis, I wonder. And I don't know why, but it feels like something big might happen while those two are working their punishment. :O
Second paragraph, the spacing between the two bits
| Tune4Toons chapter 1 . 7/3/2013
So I am probably not the staffer you'd been expecting, but I wanted to read your story nonetheless. (*Will try to be as spoiler free as possible) Just as a disclaimer, I'm pretty fandom blind (besides watching Hobbit), but I didn't have a problem at all, especially when right at the start you got a rich amount of imagery to grasp on to. Is this first-person? It's interesting since it's got dabbles of first, but with the perception of third, so definitely wondering who's the narrator here. (Oh, I love the way you transitioned into flashback—might borrow that trick hehe) Fili is such a cute little kid; it's easy to get a grasp on how much he's grown from then to now just from this one chapter. Even from that ending line, I'm already getting questioning what will happen in future chapters haha.
I think if being nitpicky, one thing I'd suggest during the action sequences would be to utilise more of the active voice narration [now foes hemmed them on all sides] as opposed to the passive [there were now foes hemming them on all sides]. The line [There were thirteen; to some an unlucky number, but their bright swords and axes rallied their allies.] also has a chance to switch around to an active voice to bring forth more of the action in the battle and even setting the imagery clearer.
One last nitpicky note to you is just cutting out those extra little words: eg. [first promise he -had- made] and [enough to entice him -to wait-] (since by that point, we already know he's waiting)
burning. (")I will see to the order. - missing quotation mark
Onto the next chapter!
| Verran chapter 4 . 6/11/2013
The ending line circles back and echoes the theme of promises at the beginning of the first chapter. This was a wonderfully gentle piece, and was as much, if not moreso about the Blue Mountains than it was about the characters. The springtime flowers and plantlife came alive in your descriptions, and you seem to have a knack for picking out just a few details to bring the entire scene into sharp focus - for example, how the bee is almost entirely covered by the flower, and you only know it's there by the way the flowerhead droops with its weight, and the idea of ice in the hearts of the clouds.
Your ability to bring natural scenery to life is I think one of your greatest strengths - it is what really stands out in your Depraved and Devious fic, as well.
The characters of Fili and Mim, the way they interact with Hala and the way the baby reacts are realistic and believable.
We heard more about the narrator as a person this time around. It is clear that the narrator is not only telling a story that may have been passed on maybe two or three times, but also that he/she has had few dealings with dwarves, and does not have any first-hand experience of dwarvish custom or culture. For example: [I am told that dwarf women are very different to their menfolk] (goes on to talk about how dwarf women will not roam far from their homes). And it's here that I have my only query about this piece - for a narrator who is so far removed from the characters of the story he/she is telling, it's being told almost as if the narrator knew them personally. That's not to criticise how the story was told, it was brilliantly narrated, it's just that I felt a slight mismatch between the narrator's link to the characters, and the way the story was recounted.
But overall, this was a beautiful set of pieces, they drew emotion and wonder, they gave an insight into the dwarves' way of life, and painted characters that were believable and natural. I have enjoyed reading these four pieces very much.
| Verran chapter 3 . 6/3/2013
This is one of the few chapters I have read on this site that has succeeded in drawing tears. And the way it was done I thought was brilliant - the indirect narration, everything was inferred. You had built up to this beautifully, we knew from earlier chapters that Dis was weak, that the birth could be the end of both her and the baby. You let on gently that both the children had lost their fathers and introduced the idea of the Halls of Waiting. It brought the sadness of the scene into focus beautifully. Fili's innocent question about why his mother didn't take the baby with her was throat catching.
This was beautifully written. You could feel the warmth and colours and fire throughout. Although this is a very sad chapter, there was one thing that made me smile, and that was the story of the beautiful dwarf woman and the seven Men. I guess they must have similar fairytales to ours!
This is my favourite chapter of this fic so far. Nicely written.
| Verran chapter 2 . 6/1/2013
This was a very sweet insight into the relationship between the two five-year old dwarves. Considering they're a heavy-handed people, I was surprised that the children weren't scolded more heavily than they were, on both counts - especially the smashing of the porcelain gates, which must hold some sentimental significance to them. I was expecting Fili to get a cuff around the ear! Perhaps it is because they have so few children they are more lenient, perhaps?
I felt the tension at the beginning of this chapter - would Dis make it through? Would she lose her baby? But, we never found out, as it ended with the children being taken to the hall of records and making fun of Dori. I guess that's the only criticism I have of this, that the structure was fairly loose and didn't really have as strong an ending as it could have done.
Other than that, this was a lovely, and realistic portrayal of a pair of young kids just trying to play, and getting into scrapes as young children do.