|Reviews for Saigo no Wagare - The Final Goodbye to my Dearest Sister|
| Trades46 chapter 1 . 2/5/2013
Congratulations Mr. Lancer, you're the first FF author to make my eyes wet.
Out of all the Idolmaster characters, Chihaya remains to be my favorite: 1. Her voice and 2. Her back-story. Combine that with your very developed OC, you really made this a gem.
Yes, I did eventually read Ascension regardless of whatever AKB0048 is.
I would have never have such developed OCs like this. Well done, well done indeed...
| Verran chapter 1 . 1/17/2013
The plot you have devised for this story I think is very good. It has great potential for some emotional scenes. You have thought through Chris's backstory in detail, as well as the backstory between Chris, Chihaya and her brother Yuu which paves the way to the series of events leading to Chris's death.
However, this piece reads like a synopsis, rather than a story. There is no dialogue, no description, nothing that helps the reader get close to the characters or the events and while it's clear this is a melancholy and tragic story, the way it has been presented doesn't help the reader 'feel' for the characters. In short, although in your A/N you said the story made you feel emotional, that emotion just wasn't coming through in the writing.
Some of this story is a repeat of the author's notes - and I noticed, having read the other three one-shots about your OC that some of her background has been copy-pasted from at least one of those stories (or vice-versa - either way there are lines in this story and in at least one of the others that are the same)
Before tackling a story like this with complicated characters such as these, it may be a good idea to write separate stories focusing on small aspects of your OC's background. For example, one dealing with how the E-coli outbreak devastated her life, another about a specific event that drove her to contemplate suicide, another about a typical day in her role as a business woman, and of course a story about how she gained her special powers.
Get someone to beta read your writing before you upload it, in particular concentrating on giving the events more visual and emotional detail, developing the characters through dialogue, and the show vs. tell aspects of your writing.
This (and the other fics I've read of yours so far) has a lot of potential. It just needs that little bit of extra attention to really let that story flow.
| thats-a-moray chapter 1 . 1/15/2013
Warning: fandom blind.
Maybe it's just the fandom, but Chris seems like an odd sort of character. She's clearly intended to be good but her actions (see below) make her out as evil in my mind. I think you should go into more detail about what's happening to her in this story. You summarize almost everything, making it difficult for me to form an emotional attachment to Chris and the other characters. At times it's even confusing. I'm also confused about the cause of her death. Was it an ulcer?
Another problem is that I don't understand why she needed to sacrifice herself. She apparently knew where Yuu was, since she froze him. Why was it so difficult to find him? Why didn't she realize who he was the moment Chihaya told her about him? It seems like this could have been resolved without Chris exhausting herself to the point of death.
"By then, she had completely threw out her emotions and became a diligent, intelligent, elegant, beautiful yet Cold-Hearted maiden, with all that was left being a soul that was cold, broken, wounded, and empty inside." Not sure why cold-hearted is capitalized.
"She had done everything she can." 'Can' should be 'could'.
"Any people who dared to tear any innocent family apart, Chris would annihilate them with a coldness never seen before a mortal's eyes. She didn't care for the perpetrators' pleas, she would kill them all with her infused Liquid Nitrogen powers." And I'm now convinced that Chris is irredeemably evil.
"Neither Chihaya nor Chris knew that the boy the latter rescued was the former's brother." This sentence is a little confusing. I had to read it a few times to understand what you were saying.
"Yuu was placed into permanent stasis due to his massive injuries, because curing using Chris's Cryokinetic powers required stasis to be effective." Again, I don't think cyrokinetic needs to be capitalized.
"The empathy within them slowly defrosted the 'Icy' Heart inside Chris, and she slowly opened up to the Idols of 765." Unnecessary capitalization.
"She was there at the car accident eight years ago that Chihaya had described, and it was reported that no one was hurt at the scene of the incident." But if it was reported that nobody was hurt why does Chihaya think that Yuu is dead?
"She would not see her best friend suffered at the hands of fate." 'Suffered' should be 'suffer.' I'm going to stop pointing out SPaG after this point, as there's a lot of it...
I think that you should consider re-writing this story. You have the bones of a good story here, but it needs more fleshing out. Remember: show, don't tell.
| ballofstring66 chapter 1 . 1/14/2013
Oh the angst. This was very heavy and melancholy indeed. You evoked a very string sense of bitter coldness around Chris. It was sweet that she went to all that trouble to do this one last thing for her friend.
The letter was very poignant and the ending heartbreaking. You pack a lot of emotion in to your writing even if the structure and tense sometimes eludes you. As others have said a beta would help pull it together and help your stories shine as they should.
| Madam'zelleGiry chapter 1 . 1/12/2013
Just so you know, I'm going into this one completely fandom blind. (:
"An end to everything, once and for all, to be at one with self, to listen to the peaceful silence, to be free of the burden that she once held as she had finally done what she had achieved." I really like the mood that you create with this first line, but I do wonder if it wold be more effective if you used periods instead of commas, just to give every part an extra bang. But that's purely stylistic, as it's not incorrect the way it is. Just a thought.
"like a badge in the symbol of her family tree's necklace" An interesting way of looking at something like survivor's guilt. Very original. I like it!
"beautiful yet Cold-Hearted" Not quite sure why "Cold-Hearted" is capitalized. Might be a fandom thing that I don't know about though...
"were going to sing the song 'Yakusoku'." You don't actually need to bold and Italicize it. Just the single quotation marks.
"To all whom it may concern…" Here, you only need to Italicize, and that's another stylistic choice. You can leave the bold, but I have to admit that I find the bold a little odd in a story like this.
The letter was very nicely done. I liked the tone and the mood that you struck and maintained. The transition into the end was well done. It was enjoyable, even if I didn't have much background information. Well done!
| BayWeather chapter 1 . 1/12/2013
I've never read idol master, but this is a powerful, emotional piece. I have a few point below.
-You tend to write somewhat repetitively. I'll give you an example. "Chris had lost everything dear to her. Her loved ones, her family tree and everything dear to her." You already stated that she lost everything dear to her in the first sentence; there is no need to repeat your thoughts. Morph the two sentences into one.
-The story has good characterization. I enjoy seeing the character's thoughts. The character description is brilliant. "By then, she had completely threw out her emotions and became a diligent, intelligent, elegant, beautiful yet Cold-Hearted maiden, with all that was left being a soul that was cold, broken, wounded, and empty inside."
- There are a few tense issues. "...that if she had did anything to save them, then maybe everything would have been fine." The word "did" should be "done," the verb form is incorrect. "had" is past tense. I advise re-writing this sentence.
-Don't use the word "that" when it is not necessary! I'm guilt of doing this all the time!
-Try to change up your sentence starters (words), it will add variety to the piece, and flow better.
-There is some awkward phrasing, I advise looking over your sentences and seeing how you can shorten them. That advice may seem silly, but it gets rid of tons of interrupters and other things that break the piece's flow!
-You have very good tone, it sets the story's mood right away! You have to work on writing to improve your style. I can see a very unique budding style coming forth. I'm very excited to see how your writing will progress!
| Naishu chapter 1 . 1/12/2013
This is a very sweet story, and surprisingly I didn't find it too sad. It's very touching, what Chris is willing to go through for her friend, and it's good to see that she achieved what she wanted to before her passing. Chris sounds very world-weary, and I think you've conveyed that she isn't worried about her death.
I did find the car bits a little strange, but then again that could be my canon-blindness. I would suggest a beta to go through and fine-tune the spelling/grammar, though. Occasionally the way things were worded pulled me out of the setting, but you still managed to convey the mood I think you wanted. Good effort!
| Her Royal Nonsense chapter 1 . 1/12/2013
You write Chris’ sorrow and her resolve excruciatingly well – it was tangible, palpable, and I felt she was relatable and never distance. In that respect, your narrative is very, very gripping. And the letter she left was very touching.
You really had me at the beginning, but your grammar unfortunately kept me from getting further invested in your story and your characters. When something is (for the most part) error free, it’s very easy to stick with the story and never be pulled out of it. But I became far too distracted by other things, sadly. You would perhaps benefit from having a beta reader go through your work.
The tenses here change often when they should be consistent; I couldn’t quite tell which tense you were writing with at times. The punctuation needs a bit of work. Your sentences are often long-winded and flooded with commas when by all rights you could split them into multiple sentences for an easier read. If you’d like a list of SPaG errors, feel free to PM me and I will send them to you privately.
This has the potential to be a marvellous story, it just needs a bit of TLC.
| Tune4Toons chapter 1 . 1/9/2013
Alrighty, looks like it's my turn haha. Just to disclaim, I'm not familiar with the fandom, but looks like it won't be too much of a cripple. You did a great job of keeping the strong melancholy tone throughout the entire piece, so that was good. I'll be honest though—this piece reads a lot more like a synopsis than a story, as if only summarising all these events rather than story-telling them to the readers. Here for example: [brought into care by the Icy Maiden - Chris 'Quattro' Fuschia after the chaos of the incident.] It's a rather broad way of putting it—an accident, the incident. What is the incident? Car crash? Explosion? Could be anything, but it's only summerised to us here.
Another example: [Slowly, the Chris warms up to the Chihaya and her producer, and finds out that Chihaya's family has been broken up, fallen apart due to the Yuu's death. However, the Chris thought that something is amiss, that there's a peculiar feeling; Yuu might not be dead yet...] What did they do that allowed Chris to warm up to them? How did they bond? What patterns did she see to make her realise something was amiss?
This piece lacks the events to show that development between the characters; it's just told to us without letting us "experience" what goes on inside the character's head, those thoughts and feelings, missing that depth brought out from -shown- events to allow us readers to believe in it. There's more to a story than just -telling- it all.
Watch out for your tenses as well—a lot of it is in present tense [For many years, she _has_ been living in torment] yet it refers to the past, and later on it switches between past tense [she _transported_ the songstress's brother] to present [who _is_ fully healed]. With the time-skip nature of the story, I'd recommend keeping it all in past tense. The bold can be distracting too; it's not needed here.
I think the main thing needed is the showing of the events themselves and the initial emotions during those events that your characters felt in those times. With that, you'd be able to dive us readers even deeper into their minds rather than with just the distanced telling. Hope that helps! Cheers!
| dududu9531 chapter 1 . 1/9/2013
Wonderful story. I have little to say beside "It's awesomely touching!", but if you could somehow focus on Chris' last struggle to reconcile Chihaya's family, the fic would have a much stronger impact.
I'm referring to the part when Chris used the last ounce of her strength to drive Yuu to where he needed to be, as well as cured Chihaya with her cyro-kinetic powers. If the immense effort she put into her last deeds and the fatigue rapidly draining her vitality was elaborated upon a bit more, the story, in my opinion, would be perfect
| capturedbytee chapter 1 . 1/9/2013
The ending that was meant to be.
| gracegrrl007 chapter 1 . 1/8/2013
;-; That was sad.
Chris is a really nice character. It's sad that she died, even if it is non-canon.
This was wonderfully written, although one thing I would suggest would be to use the names "Chihaya" and "Chris" in place of "the songstress" or "Icy Lady" more often. It didn't affect the mood of the story or it's...goodness, I guess...just a tiny little tip to increase the readability
Nicely done! Unfortunately I didn't cry, but I was saddened. Is that good enough? X3