|Reviews for Phoenix|
| thats-a-moray chapter 1 . 4/21/2013
Fandom blind, but this doesn't look like it will be too difficult to understand. :)
[It appeared in the sky as a gargantuan monster and indeed its life-threads had been taken from a whale.] I would separate this into two sentences.
[From far off however, all that could be seen was an immense shadow swimming lazily through the clouds, its deep mauve skin appearing black in the night.] Beautiful. I can picture this perfectly.
[Dylan dived wildly forwards, frantically lunging with his training sabre.] I think you should consider using some different words. 'Wildly' and 'frantically' suggest he doesn't know what he's doing, which is contradicted by the rest of this paragraph.
Is Deryan canon? I ask because Deryan is terribly similar to Dylan and it made this part a little confusing for me. At first I thought "Deryan" was a typo.
Ah, okay, now I understand. Deryan is mascaraing as a boy. Still, the name switching is pretty confusing. Maybe you should explain it earlier in the story.
All in all, I thought this was a great start. It has a lot of action, gave me a sense of the setting, and allowed me to get to know the characters a little. Well done.
| DjinniFires chapter 1 . 2/20/2013
Hi from RL! I don't know this fandom at all. The introductory two paragraphs were interestingly written and set the scene on this strange beast, the leviathan. The sword fight was described in an action-by-action but economical way that made the scene very immediate and easy to follow. The fact that I still could see that Deryn is pretending to be a boy named Dylan (even before the last three paragraphs that made it indubitably clear) means you wrote this well.
Here are some nits:
Paragraph 12: comma before "however."
Paragraph 27, sentence 2, "presence."
Paragraph 28: great description of what she may or may not have seen in the water. Personally, I would have used an em dash (double dash) to set off "that some creature...had been correct" since it's an interjection between "if her original suspicion" and "then why" rather than something that just follows "if her original suspicion." Questions about the punctuation or not, I thought this description was done particularly well.
Paragraph 31: space between "each other."
I have some questions about whether you were always firmly in the point-of-view chosen for a section (a problem I have myself). These phrases struck me as suggesting a change in POV: paragraph 12 "they each hoped" could only be omniscient; paragraph 17 "he watched helplessly" is Alek's even though the section is Deryn's. I'd just suggest reading through to make sure your in the point-of-view you want.
Anyway, this is an interesting story and I look forward to tagging it again.
| Edhla chapter 2 . 2/20/2013
I like the way you've depicted Felix; he's a well-rounded character and you linger just long enough on him here without it going over the line. There's a lot of information here that you have to get across for the sake of your plot, and I felt you did it well- especially the second paragraph. I'm particularly taken with the detail of the "painstaking work with a needle and thread." I love that you've thrown in little things like that.
I thought the boatswain's dialogue could be improved by some shifts in/added punctuation, but I'm absolutely sure that someone who knows punctuation a lot better than I do will be in shortly (or has been that way already.)
Nice dissertation on food colour, btw. They may taste exactly the same, but I sure as hell wouldn't want to eat blue scrambled eggs, either. And again, the tin mug was a nice touch, though I thought "large" was strangely clinical.
Bovril being referred to as "it" kind of threw me. I'm thinking this sort of thing is canon, but I had trouble imagining a creature as an "it."
"Accidentally-on-purpose" seemed a little bit anachronistic, but it was great fun anyway, and gave us a good insight into Deryn's character.
Regarding the switching of names- I understand that Deryn is Dylan and you're swapping according to whose perspective we're seeing this from, but I have to admit it's a little confusing as-written. Not confusing as in "I cannot understand a word of this", but confusing as in "this is taking more time than it should to work out." :)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway. I really enjoyed this chapter, thank you for writing it x
| Audemed chapter 1 . 2/11/2013
[It was not a craft of mere steel and wood; no, the Leviathan was, like all the war machines of the Darwinists, a creature of flesh and blood. It appeared in the sky as a gargantuan monster and indeed its life-threads had been taken from a whale.]
A really nice touch, I loved this line.
[Although Alek was a prince, and of a much higher social status than Dylan, he couldn't help idolise the boy in some ways, wishing he was soldier material himself.]
This line offers a nice insight into Alek's character- even though he is a prince he wishes he could be something like a soldier. I think you missed a word here though, shouldn't it be [he couldn't help but idolise the boy in some ways] a minor mistake, I actually noticed it after I wrote half the review!
The third section was pulled off quite well- so Dylan is actually a girl called Deryn who is acting like a boy that's very intriguing. I particularly liked the fighting scenes because you follow the 'show not tell' rule perfectly well.
["You know what? You are such a dummkopf!"
"Oh yeah? Well you're a... you're a barking ninny!"]
So Deryn is German and Alek is British- I wondered how that will work out after seeing the summary of your story, very interesting!
I also wondered what exactly Deryn was hiding from Alek: is it just the fact that she's actually a girl and he doesn't know or is she hiding something more?
I couldn't find any major grammatical errors or mistakes in the chapter, a job well done on that! I'm definitely excited to see how the story pans out later on.
| Guest chapter 1 . 2/2/2013
I like it. I've finished the series last night :( and I think this is very nice. It reminds me of Angie Sage's writing. Four stars so far. :)
| Super Serious Gal 3 chapter 1 . 1/23/2013
I love the way you describe things. "It was not a craft of mere steel and wood; no, the Leviathan was, like all the war machines of the Darwinists, a creature of flesh and blood." It was beautifully described, making me want to read both more of your story, and the book Leviathan. Even your description of Deryn's feelings is quite well done. "Nowadays, it seemed that lying was almost as natural to her as breathing or sleeping" You seem to have a good grasp of who the characters are and the way you potray them. You don't slip up at all when changing POV's between Deryn and Alex. Which is great because that is an easy place to make a mistake. Overall, this is a memorable first chapter and I wish you luck in writing it.
| EternalSushi chapter 2 . 1/21/2013
Blue eggs. Eww.
Anyway, back to the review! The first few paragraphs of the chapter was pretty well written, and it was quite a good start. I'm impressed. There seems to be less errors and problems compared to the last chapter. That 'important passenger' would also spark up the readers' interest. The talking animals are also a pretty interesting addition. Still, I have to admit - even though this chapter's got more info and also helped presenting the story's setting, the pace is a little slow.
I find it weird that they didn't panic upon knowing that there's something wrong with the engines, though. If it's gonna blow and kill you any second, you would definitely run and try to fix it before too late. Alek and Deryn seem too calm for that, which really startles me.
Keep writing! :D it's interesting, and you deserve more reviews.
| ReadingBlueWolf chapter 1 . 1/20/2013
So, Deryn is Dylan if I followed that correctly. It was really jarring when it switched to Deryn without stating she was posing as a guy. It took me a second to figure out what had happened or if these were different occasions. I think the airship is extremely interesting. Is it man made or is it an actual creature? I wasn't sure, but it sounds incredible and the descriptions with it were really neat. I liked it a lot. I liked the sword fight. When it was first shown through Alek's eyes, it seemed a bit slow of a starter, but as it progressed it grew increasingly interesting. I liked how Deryn saved Alek from certain death. I also enjoyed how quickly they started laughing. That was really nice as well.
| EternalSushi chapter 1 . 1/20/2013
The narrative voice is better than the Pokemon one - this sounds smoother and more natural. The fighting scene is really descriptive, something that I like a lot. This surely has more detail compared to the other one. At first, the names Dylan and Deryn confused me, but it didn't take long for me to understand it. However, I wonder how Alek, someone smart and noble, couldn't tell that it was a feminine voice.
The intro and outro was nicely done, through the last bit 'that could be seen', would be better if it's something like 'that shone brightly in the dark.' Feels a little strange.
Overall, it's a great start, and i'll keep reading this to see how it goes! Good job with your first chapter!
| Her Royal Nonsense chapter 2 . 1/19/2013
Blue eggs and talking animals, huh? Like I said before, this is quite the intriging fandom you've written for here... makes for some really comical, enjoyable imagery. Your writing for the most part is also quite flawless and it makes for such an easy read... and I appreciate that immensely!
You're only missing some punctuation towards the ending, and sometimes it looks like eats some of the spaces between your quotation marks and the next sentence so you just have to watch for that. But otherwise, this was fabulus and I'm very much looking forward to the next chapter.
And the accidently-on-purpose bit was great.
| Her Royal Nonsense chapter 1 . 1/18/2013
Well, I wasn't quite sure what to expect, but I wasn't expecting this! This was absolutely marvellous... I don't know anything about this fandom, but you had me since the very beginning when you explained what the Leviathan was. Some interesting comparisons you have there and it was very nicely written.
I already feel invested/involved in your characters - Deryn in particular is fascinating and I am very much looking forward to seeing what you have in store for them.
Well done, this was a great read. And an easy read to... not knowing the fandom never hindered me an inch so kudos to you. ;)
| Green Phantom Queen chapter 2 . 1/16/2013
I read through the tvtropes page for Leviathan so I can get a better understanding to the story. Now I understand about the Dylan/Deryn debacle.
I like the whole idea of this alternate WW1 and the evolution bio gene splice thing with Charles Darwin. It's pretty interesting to see this branching idea out. SPaG is great and there's no mistakes that I can see at all.
I might wanna pick up the Leviathan books now and read the whole thing so I know what it's about. It looks like a lot of fun!
| Madam'zelleGiry chapter 3 . 1/16/2013
"Clearly the leader" should have a comma before "clearly"
"When Alek had been in hiding" If it were mine, I'd change it to "While Alek..." for the flow of the overall sentence.
"It was as though beforehand he had not truly been alive." I had a little bit of trouble following this sentence. I'd change it around if I were you, or perhaps add some commas in to make the "beforehand" less jarring.
"not bothering to translate for the sake of Mr Hirst" An interesting observation of his character and the situation at hand. Makes me wonder if he would normally translate and just didn't this time...
Nice description in this chapter. I particularly liked the ending; the suspense was carried very nicely, and I felt like it worked really nicely. Now I'm wondering what in the world is going on with Dr. Bran... I guess we'll just have to wait and see! Looking forward to the next chapter!
| ballofstring66 chapter 3 . 1/16/2013
Great chapter. Really enjoyed the scene with Deryn andVolger - I liked your detail of the cabin and the mugs of coffee. I am entranced by your descriptions of hot beverages for some reason. :-)
I also like that I din't yet know all the details of their relationship or how he knows about her identity - I think that is skilfull storytelling in the way you reveal things a bit at a time.
Some great character interaction in all the scenes here and I enjoyed Felix gaffe at the end, it described very well. But will Braun turn out to be up to something? Looking forward to finding out.
| StormRex Lancer chapter 1 . 1/15/2013
I can fully understand the 1st chapter, action-packed content as Alek and Deryn trained with each other. Alek clearly has a sense of nonor because despite Deryn lost her weapon due to the disarming attack that Alek launched, he still attempted to recover Deryn's weapon despite failing to get it in the end. Plus, Deryn is a rebellious princess and you described her well, not wanting to settle for just any typical princess's life, but an adventurous one. :)