|Reviews for Fire And Ice|
| Ravenhale1 chapter 5 . 4/12/2013
Three weeks later...?
Huge insert. Everything that I've been talking about concerning getting Mizore to a point of actually being with Fyrus should go before this chapter. I'm going to tackle this review as if that has already been handled.
So... stage set... Mizore has finally fallen out of love with Tsukune and is hanging on Fyrus now. I'm guessing everyone is still friends despite any harsh words or actions that might have taken place to get to this point.
Have the first chapters featured in a first book that is centered around Fyrus helping Mizore get over Tsukune. Take out the scene about Agent A and insert that near the beginning of this chapter, which would effectively be the start of a second book that is built around Fyrus. Trust me... there is easily enough material to work with in regards of Mizore becoming his girlfriend to be a whole book in itself.
On that note, given what I know of Mizore, once she's done with Tsukune, she's going to be very, very direct with Fyrus. It's not going to be just friends. It's going to be he's mine. I don't know how Fyrus will handle that as I don't really know him, but this could easily be an intimate relationship fast. I'm guessing you don't want that, so Fyrus is going to be putting the brakes on and often.
As to Kurumu... what the?! If anything, I'd see her teasing Fyrus over wedding dates and being a virgin. Though I suppose she could also joke about taking that away if he felt he lacked the experience to do Mizore justice. Heh. Poor guy since I can easily see Kurumu encouraging Mizore to do all sorts of things to break him down.
There isn't much here but dialogue, which is a shame.
As to the painting, I think there could be plenty of reasons why Fyrus would be reluctant to drag the rest of the club over to help, considering he would have played a part in whatever major drama that would have unfolded between Tsukune and Mizore. I don't think he'd write them off as not being friends, but it probably wouldn't feel right.
I don't care much for her laundry list of things, mostly because I haven't seen Fyrus do half of those things and Mizore could say the same thing about many of her friends from the newspaper club.
Anyways, seems like a short chapter but I believe we have effectively moved into another story entirely. THIS is Fire and Ice. Everything before this should probably be something else, its own story, which is very vital for Fire and Ice. I'm going to stop the review at this point as I strongly believe you need to go back and get that first story solidified for this sequel to work. I'm looking forward to it.
| Ravenhale1 chapter 4 . 4/12/2013
And on to Chapter Four.
Fyrus has a room? If we are still on Day One here, I'm pretty sure he went from the bus directly to the school. He hasn't been to his dorm room yet, which I am assuming he does have one.
At this point, having them reference broken ribs might make some sense if they got the information from the nurse/doctor.
I'm hesitant to say the guy would get suspended over this. The guy clearly came after Fyrus after he had been beaten up earlier. The teaching staff would be demanding answers from the trio of thugs and Fyrus to determine who started what and even then, would likely give all of them a slap on the wrist with threat of expulsion for any further altercations.
Okay... you are having Mizore take way too much interest here. Again, I'm thinking Moka the more likely person to be doing outright kind things for a complete stranger. I know what you want to do, but you're not really losing much by having Moka doing a lot of these things you are having Mizore do. Moka and Tsukune truly are the easiest way to get into the group with an OC, even if they aren't your primary goal. From there you can make opportunities arise.
As for Fyrus... I'm not sure he could WOW Mizore with his powers, which I think is what was attempted these past couple chapters. Mizore cared deeply for Kotsubo (gym teacher) and Tsukune over their words, not their displays of power. The trouble would be getting Mizore to engage in conversation with your OC, which I think will take a measure of time. Once he gets his place in the group, it should be easier.
Here's a thought.
Kurumu is pushing a rival out of the picture. You could leave all the remarks and interest Fyrus has over Mizore, which Kurumu would pick up on. Then, if she thinks he is a good enough guy, I could see her nudging Mizore into reluctantly doing things for the new guy on the basis that Tsukune would think better of her. But... you're going to have to somehow paint a pretty picture of Fyrus that would let Kurumu do this without her feeling like a total ass. Kurumu cares very deeply about Mizore, so she's not going to do this if Fyrus is not worthy of her friend.
As for presently, Kurumu would probably crack jokes that aren't true. It would not be a serious push at all, but more of a mischievous prank pulled over Fyrus, whom is obviously interested in her friend.
I'd probably see Moka doing the notes. I would say with much regret that I think the cute scene of Mizore and him being alone at this stage of the book is unlikely.
Don't have him wake up to the gaggle of friends. Have him wake up and it coincidentally happen to be Mizore's turn to watch over him. She's only doing it because Moka insisted that someone be there when Fyrus woke up, so the group has been taking turns on the watch. If you want to make her blush, have him simply go about changing without giving her fair warning. Keep Mizore reluctant and curt around him. Reordering this infirmary scene might be the best way of salvaging what you have already done. Then, have Kurumu or Moka come in to relieve Mizore and take care of any dialogue that Mizore could not or would not have engaged in.
As for Mizore stalking him later on, I could see her doing this with different motives like making sure he is a good guy and won't be a danger to her friends. Actually, having Fyrus overconfident and telling her that she can simply ask him out if she wants to be around him would be a very amusing turn that might be the first solid blow to her heart. I could see her coldly correcting him or stammering out her reasons. Regardless of how you pick her to react, I don't see her joining him in his dorm.
Also a huge point here.
With this being the junior year and autumn, you are quickly approaching Mizore's 17th birthday. This is very, very important and would be a heavy strain on her heart. She's not going to be giggly or happy very often, as she is seriously worried about whether or not Tsukune will marry her before her birthday. I believe this is something that her friends would be unaware of at this point, because she does not want to make that a factor in Tsukune's choice.
As to the introduction of the Agent... this is always a tough subject since we change narrators and are flashed a bit of intrigue without any real understanding of what is going on. I'm not sure why "it" was anticipated at all and some of the dialogue here is completely a throw off of obvious statements.
Male dorm room... I'm just not seeing him doing homework there with Mizore, Moka or any of the girls. Have Tsukune do this last scene. As Fyrus is unaware that Tsukune is/was human, he might still reveal to someone that he knows watched over him and is generally trying to be his friend. Also, I know I encouraged this information at the start and I still do. Even though the reader knows and Fyrus knows, Tsukune and friends do not so the reveal (while less dramatic) is still needed.
Unfortunately I don't have a whole lot of sympathy for Fyrus and his troubled childhood, since I haven't really seen him agonizing over it. The only connection I have is that one nightmare. Already mentioned the lack of build up, which is why this sort of fell flat.
The romance is too fast because Mizore should still be head over heels for Tsukune, and approaching a time where she desperately needs a decision from him. I'm not saying it is impossible for Fyrus to win her over, but that it is certainly not going to happen without her closing the chapter of her life in which Tsukune was her world.
Remember to keep throwing in prose pertaining to settings and feelings. Dialogue is really fun and easy to get sucked into, but people don't always say what is in their hearts or thoughts.
As to your concerns over OC haters, I'll have to say that what some of them said back in January remains largely true (not the scratch the OC part, since that is just nonsense). Fyrus lacks depth. I don't think he is overpowered, considering the three he fought would not be a challenge to a fire creature. But he doesn't have a real life... at all. Mizore is also way off her character base.
As to Mizore, she does fall hard and fast in love. And she falls very hard out of love. Once you figure out how to get her out of her fixation with Tsukune, having her rebound to Fyrus should not be that hard of a sell.
You have to treat Canon characters like chess pieces. Each piece can only move in a certain way and you can't always get them to where you want them to be in a single move, or even several. And often you have to move other pieces to get the one you want to be able to move.
And don't be afraid to rewrite these first few chapters. I don't care in the slightest if people read my reviews and scratch their heads over it making no sense. I have spent over a year rewriting an original story of mine and I still don't quite have it to a point that I feel those girls are ready to hit the self publishing agencies. It's a chore, I know, but a labor of love. Your characters are worth it.
| Ravenhale1 chapter 2 . 4/11/2013
Okay, now on to chapter two.
When is this in relation to the last chapter? Why is he in art class? Why does he know anything about the original art teacher, whom would have been dismissed nearly a whole year ago? Explain, explain, explain. A half page of exposition would do a world of good before diving into conversation.
Is there some particular reason why I feel like this Akemi is hitting on Fyrus? Such favoritism from a teacher is... disturbing.
Hey... you have a special gift. Come over to my place any time you want and we can work on a special project together. Just the two of us. Alone.
I'm not sure if the remark of inviting friends could even spare me the discomfort I would feel after hearing something like that from a teacher.
You are effectively writing a script, not a story.
Your actions could be put in block quotes as the things an actor would do between dialogue. Please, for the love of Rosario, do not make a movie. Writing is a very special, rare avenue of expression, in which we get to do the things movies and comics cannot do. We get to delve into who people are instead of just reporting what is happening to them and what they do to overcome whatever life throws at them. I still have no reasons to root for Fyrus as I still have no idea where he is coming from as a person. Show me him. Give me a reason to say this guy should have been in the Canon.
Again, it feels like you are pushing Mizore onto Fyrus. Short of telling the story in her perspective (which might have been a completely awesome avenue), I have no understanding of why she is around this guy.
Short of electives and laboratories, Japanese classes are not in the habit of running between subjects. It is the teachers that change, not the students. This means that Fyrus would be sitting in the same class most of his day, so he would naturally share the same courses as Mizore and her gang. Check the link.
So... Fyrus is not running between classes. His teachers are changing out between subjects.
Also... Japan culture tends to introduce themselves with their surnames and only use their first names if they are comfortable with each other. Chances are, he is only going to know most students by their last names, though I'm sure if he hangs around Moka enough he'll pick up on all the first names quickly. Whether they mind him using them might be a different issue.
I'm not sure why Mizore warns him about Ms. Kagome (Ririko), or why the teacher immediately singles him out and does not say a word about the two chatting. This is highly disrespectful. When a student is called on (if you've seen enough anime) they tend to stand up quickly and do their best to do whatever it is they have been asked to do. If they fail, then it becomes an open floor in which the teacher will pick someone that knows the answer to stand up and demonstrate it properly.
Did you just switch narrators?
Okay... well... she would not think of herself as a creeper so that makes no sense from her POV.
How would she know he is a heavy sleeper? And what is a kunai? Feel free to explain that to those that don't know.
Again... since Mizore, Kurumu and well... everyone are in the same class, this dialogue does not make much sense.
Also, I don't see why Kurumu would be so quick to label Ginei as a pervert. Heck, the whole group got in on bashing the poor guy.
I know you say this is to replace Capu2, but I guess you have done away with the whole Kurumu/Mizore training with Ginei over the break between Capu1 and Capu2. If not... huh? I would think they would not throw a friend under the bus like that to a complete stranger.
Aw... you botched Ginei's entry also. Here you go through all the trouble of painting him up as a pervert and then you don't have him protest the addition of a male to his group.
While I'm starting to get the whole Fyrus has no manners or respect usually associated with Japanese culture, I find his attitude being tolerated less likely. He's bound to rub Ginei the wrong way here and I just don't see him getting Ginei's permission to join right out, which is ultimately Ginei's decision as the acting club president. You could either tone down his personality (which I don't really think is the issue) or just not have him join outright. Maybe have him as an unofficial probationary member or something.
Huh... this morning? This is the same day? What a bombshell that was.
And... you continued a conversation after BOTH Mizore and Fyrus left the room. Who's telling this story now?
For a same day... I am not buying Mizore running out after him. You could really sell this with a sympathetic Moka or Tsukune, but not Mizore. I know you are trying to pair the two up, but have some respect for Mizore. Think about who she is and what she is going to have to go through to give up on Tsukune and move forward in a different direction. This is not a race where you get some prize for getting to the end of your story in a record amount of time. Take your time.
Trolls are immune to ice?
Well... trolls aren't immune to suffocation. She could encase him in a block of ice and it's over. She could also freeze every drop of moisture in his body, which would also kill him. As I said earlier, Mizore is a very, very dangerous, overpowered entity. I think her only major limitation is how much the use of her power exhausts her.
Seriously... send Moka out to do this. Moka is almost worthless without Tsukune around to remove the Rosario. And as a twist, have Mizore save his ass instead of it being Moka.
But... as a fire based creature, that troll is nuts to attack him since burns are commonly considered the one thing a troll cannot regenerate. I don't see the troll winning that fight.
All in all, nerfing him against a troll felt like a poor move.
I think it's hilarious Tsukune ripped off the rosary and Moka's neck.
Who is narrating this again? I see references to Inner Moka, as if Fyrus is familiar with such a concept.
Hmm... I'm kind of la de da right now since the whole sequence here makes so little sense that I don't know what to do with it.
He lost a lot of blood? From where? His mouth? How much blood is he spitting up? Shouldn't he be dead? And how does Yukari know he has broken ribs? Is one protruding out of his chest or something? Mreh.
I'm sorry, but I don't feel like you spent a whole lot of time working on this chapter at all. There's a lot of room for improvement on this draft. I'm going to stop here for the night, but I will continue to look through your story.
Let me reiterate that I don't think the concept is a bad idea at all. But I do think you need to take a lot more time fleshing this out and making Fyrus into a person instead of just some character running around that will eventually be in Mizore's arms. I want to know this guy and I want to see him win her over. Don't just hand her over. Make him work for it.
| Ravenhale1 chapter 1 . 4/11/2013
Okay... OC centric story... not an OC hater at all because I find they can fill in holes where the Canon fails. OC failures tend to happen when you destroy the Canon. Haven't read enough to say if this is the case or not, so let's start with chapter one.
What is Fyrus? If he is the narrator or primary focus of this story, that information should be given right from the start. I guess he is some fire based creature, based on his attacks and his statements about not being good with cold weather. This information should be handed over to the reader from the start, unless by some crazy reason Fyrus has no clue what he is.
Keep your tense consistent. Seems a minor thing, but a couple 'is' statements jump out right away and is a little awkward. Plus, I don't think I've seen too many writers use "His name was X" in prose. Your first sentence could have introduced Fyrus as Fyrus Kasai. Bam.
I'm confused as to the setting and time of your story. With it being Autumn, this puts him coming to Yokai in the second trimester.
Try your best to keep your blocks of prose related. Talking about him going to a school last year and then giving his description seems awkward, since they are completely separate topics.
I find it odd that the bus is making a night stop. Explain.
Heck, I'd love to know the circumstances of why he is changing schools. Burning humans usually is a crime if people knew he did it. If he was not connected to the incident, who made him change schools? Why was he attending human schools to begin with? Explain, explain, explain. This is not a mystery to him so why should it be a mystery to your readers?
Why does the bus driver claim Fyrus will have a big day tomorrow? Is this you speaking or the bus driver?
How does anyone feel a nightmare coming on? To be frank, I think it would be much better if you have him sitting there, trying to fight off sleep because he hates having nightmares. You could write about the sort of crap he dreams about and have him slip off. However, entering a dream sequence is usually a good indication that you need to make a scene break, since your narrator effectively lost consciousness. In your shoes, I'd just write out the dream sequence entirely. It doesn't really add anything to your story that is crucial. Prophetic dreams are a horrible cliche.
Fyrus waking up like that is unusual. What happened to his earphones? If the light was that bad, wouldn't he have come to without prodding?
It is you're not your.
Again... what is with the bus driver talking about Yokai as if it is some amusement park? Short of the driver thinking Fyrus is human, these comments make no sense.
As a being that dislikes could, what reason is there for him to chase a chilly draft? You would think he would avoid such nuisances. Also, why would he think a person is the source of the cold? If he has been in human schools up to this point, he should have no reason to think of a 'who' as the source, but rather an 'it'.
Now... this is a hard thing to swallow. Your plot device of three thugs stealing Mizore's diary is perplexing. Mizore is possibly one of the more ridiculously overpowered characters of Rosario that would have no issue getting her diary back. And that is built on the premise of why on earth three guys would have swiped it to begin with.
Mizore has LOST her journal and has no idea where it is. Fyrus stumbles on the trio whom are looking through it. Instead of being reasonable to hand it over, they decide to take on the new kid. Or... have Fyrus totally kick their tails without giving them a chance to explain themselves because he wants to impress the girl. Sure, this changes the dialogue some, but it makes SOOOO much more sense than what you have proposed here.
Another note... you cant sidestep and roll to your feet without falling down at some point.
Not sure about this fiery katana being pulled out of hammerspace, but I've seen weirder things. Certainly could explain this further, though I understand in a battle sequence, slowing things down would disengage your readers.
How does Fyrus know the troll is the size of the biggest tree in the forest? Watch your pronoun usage.
Also, if someone breaks your ribs, you don't spit up blood. If you are spitting up blood from such a thing, you are probably going to be dead in the next minute since the blood has already filled your lungs. You definitely wouldn't be laughing in the next paragraph.
I've always questioned the whole trend of not changing homeroom teachers every school year. If it is in the Canon, I suppose I shouldn't complain. Still odd.
I'm starting to question if you really put yourself in the character before giving them words to say. A teacher sees a student come in all battered and you think she's going to say that?
I think you are jumping around a bit too fast as well. I still don't have a very good feel on who Fyrus is, what motivates him, his background, anything really. He seems fixated on Mizore and notices barely anything else despite the room being full of other students. Heck, he didn't even notice the teacher that spoke to him. Slow down.
Also, I don't see why Ms. Nekonome would explain the rules again simply for his sake. And... if we are talking about a traditional Japanese school, the teacher is probably not going to suggest Mizore to show him around when such a task would probably get delegated to a class rep, if at all. And... why is there a vacant desk near Mizore? For a guy that dislikes the cold, why would he sit by her anyways?
What I could see is Fyrus sitting somewhere else and a class rep dishing the tour duty off on Tsukune or Moka. Either one of these would be more likely to drag Fyrus over to their lunch table than Mizore.
And... if you pick Tsukune to give the tour you could have Mizore stalking them to make sure Fyrus caused Tsukune no harm. I know this may sound like a bad pun, but you should warm Mizore up to your OC.
Anyways, I'm going to conclude this as my review of your first chapter. I see a lot of work that could be done but I certainly would not classify this as a total waste of space. With an OC as a main, you need to sell him hard and give your readers as many reasons to care and identify with him as you can. Slow this down. Get really deep with Fyrus so he does not come across as a shallow demi-god. I'll take a look at the other chapters when I have more time.
Keep on writing and remember that nothing is perfect on the first draft.
| Dragonlover71491 chapter 10 . 4/10/2013
Oh boy, I guess the next chapter is going to be a bit of a laugh. I can't wait! Good luck!
| Lucarai chapter 10 . 4/9/2013
Great chapter! My bros and I did something similar with fish exept wedid it to make the school smell like fish, took em three days to find it!
| Horace Pinker chapter 1 . 4/9/2013
Nobody gives a flying fuck what you think Reader of Books! Your entire rant screams boohoo nobody wanted to read my story because of OC haters. When in reality it was because your story sucked donkey balls.
| GhostStryker92 chapter 1 . 4/8/2013
| SoaringGryphonProductions chapter 9 . 3/30/2013
Hey, nice work on this chapter, won't Gin ever learn? I don't think so. Please keep up the good work, bro
| Dragonlover71491 chapter 9 . 3/28/2013
Hey relax, this sort of thing happens. At least it's better than nothing. Don't give up and try to unwind if you can, that's sure to get the creative juices flowing! Bye and good luck!
| Reader of Books chapter 9 . 3/26/2013
Continue to make this, for all the OC authors out there too afraid to go on. People like Guesto are just out there to try and make you think OCs are bad, and you can only write about what they want to read. Honestly it's rather funny really to watch them tell others how to write their stories, it makes me happy to see hypocritical idiots try and tell authors how to write. They claim to hate OCs yet please note that their reviews are probably the most prevalent on all the OC stories. All they do is troll OC stories and throw out the term Mary Sue like it's that freakin' Star Trek fanfiction. It's fanfiction, let people write whatever the hell they want without fear of hypocritical/ideological failures like Guesto. I mean come on! Are you people literally unable to understand the simple concept of "I don't like OCs, so I probably shouldn't read this OC heavy story." Instead they think "Oh a new OC story, let's go crush some poor unsuspecting, aspiring writer because all we do is sit on all day and hate anyone who so much as mentions the word OC because all OCs are automatically Mary Sue and Gary Stu." You are like little idiotic children whose parents allowed them access to the internet for doing something like this. Sorry to make your story a battleground, but it seemed like it was already becoming that. Also might want to take another look at chapter nine, you left out a few words.
| Anonymous K chapter 1 . 3/25/2013
Do you mind updating soon? I've been waiting for a month and your kind of being a jerk off
| Lucarai chapter 8 . 3/25/2013
Dude, haters gonna hate, but this story is really great, can't wait for next chapter, ima roll one while I celebrate! Wow, we'll, really good story, can't wait for the rest dude!
| carl chapter 8 . 3/10/2013
the drug thing was a bit to much but apart from that i like it
| carl chapter 4 . 3/10/2013
reminds me of the rage guys from dragon age