|Reviews for Play it Again|
| Monty Mason chapter 1 . 10/1/2016
Before I start, let me get this out of the way first. Should anything in this review sound harsh, please keep in mind that it is written with the intention of helping you improve and not discourage nor insult. With that out of the way, let's get onto the review :).
So as I started reading, I picked up a grammatical and spelling error. The fanfic could probably benefit from a look over for small errors.
In the beginning I have noticed that sometimes your choice of words in some sentences do not provide for the best reading experience. For example: He only wishes to right what wrongs his cynicism to let him lay to blame upon the universe and keep it running, however flawed he finds it.
In my perspective as a reader this sentence may sound better in the following manner: He only wishes to right what wrongs his cynicism led him to blame the universe and keep it running, [...].
Although truth be told, that whole sentence could use a work over because it does not feel all that cohesive when read aloud. Reading further into the story, I see this issue a lot where you need to replace certain words to help make the sentence flow more smoothly.
What you could improve on:
- Sentence grammar. This is specifically within the context of mis-wording or words that just hinder the sentence from flowing smoothly. A close look over the story can help resolve these issues.
- Lack of action detail. While on the personality front you did well, you seemed to lack on the action front. While you do have some detail (which is good), the short story could benefit from more detail.
What you did well on:
- Characterization. You had the character of the Director down well especially with the opening paragraphs.
- Relationship. The relationship between Carolina and the Director was written well. It was written to be that of a dismissive father as he is in the show, but he also showed a hint of care for his own daughter. Such a little addition helped bring life into what could have very well been a boring evaluation session to read through.
All in all it is an intriguing little short story exploring a slightly different side to the Director's personality after his obsession with bringing back Allison. But this short story fanfic is not without it's faults and definitely needs a revision to be elevated to a greater level.
Hope the review helps or at least gives you something to think about. If you have any questions or concerns, don't hesitate to reach out to me via PM :).
~ Monty Mason
| skywalker05 chapter 1 . 4/12/2013
You perform a balancing act with these sentences - every once in a while they seem too long or too heavy, but then everything flows back up again and the insight into the characters is phenomenal. I like your vision of the Director and his distanced attitude (also in "Bloody Murder.") I like how you don't need to explain what the "this" Carolina turned into is.