|Reviews for Bereavement|
| Guile Mustang chapter 1 . 7/31/2013
This is very sad. I always find the relationship between Frog and Cyrus tragic...like Roy Mustang and Maes Hughes! Lol, no, no, I think I joke at the wrong moment... :P
Frog does sound a bit innocent, when he thinks that the friendship between him and Cyrus will always exist. The stanza about Cyrus has gone is truly powerful, with the assonance 'charred and scarred'. The last line 'freezes to the core' is brilliant. It implies that Frog is now lonely. Good work! :)
| thats-a-moray chapter 1 . 2/7/2013
I think this poem could benefit from an ABA ABA rhyme structure. You seem to be going for that sort of pattern, where the first and third lines of each stanza are shorter than the second, and using an ABA ABA structure would really make this pattern pop. It would also force you to be more creative with your language, which I thought was a little lacking at times.
My favorite part of the poem:
Seeing the red flame
Burning you to nothingness
Charred and scarred my heart.
When the flame died out,
Only ashes remained there,
On the spot you died.
Lots of visceral details here. I think the poem needs more of this, because though the narrator tells me how he's feeling I never really FELT along with him until this moment. Try pushing the contrast between freezing and burning further. I think that would make a great centerpiece for this poem. Hope this helps!
| AlanSchezar chapter 1 . 2/7/2013
This is the first poetry I've reviewed on , but ironically I was actually thinking of poetry this morning, specifically in the context of fan fiction!
Firstly, let me say that poetry is extremely difficult in comparison to prose, and while I consider myself a fairly good writer of prose, the writing of poetry intimidates me. I am mightily impressed that you have written such a good poem, especially given that English is not your first language! Bravo, LB, bravo.
I think the first line would be more effective as "a teardrop falls". The way you have it written is quite jarring as it's not idiomatic. In light of that change, I would change "cheeks" to singular "cheek" to preserve the parallelism with teardrop.
"Knowledge and enjoyment" might benefit from revision. I'm not entirely sure those are the best words to chose. Likewise "working along" is a bit awkward, although the meaning of the passage is clear enough.
You may wish to add "cut" to the 5th stanza, "But your life was cut short".
I love the 6th stanza. Very raw, very emotional. I love how you've shown that the physical wounds of the flames created emotional wounds for Frog.
I love this whole thing for many reasons. Firstly because it's a well written poem in itself, but also because as a knight, it's fitting for Frog to compose poetry to express his emotions. In medieval times, knights were taught not only fighting, but also the arts, so it's fitting for Frog to compose an epitaph for his fallen friend.
Amazing, LB. You really have a special talent! I hope maybe one day I can become as expressive in my second language, though by comparison to you, I can barely claim to have one. Cheers!
| tresemellon chapter 1 . 2/3/2013
Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is written in a haiku format, no?
It was very good! You wrote it very well and it painted a good picture in my mind. The stanzas were all written with just enough information in them to keep me reading and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Quite admirable that you can write poetry, as it's something I struggle a lot with. You used very good words which brought the poem to life.
I'm struggling to find something to critique!:o
I really like the verses where you describe the flames. It created a very saddening mood.
Good job! :D
| Madam'zelleGiry chapter 1 . 2/2/2013
Oh, a fellow haiku author! *claps hands with delight*
It's pieces like this that make me wish that I was familiar with canon; I was getting all matter of feels here and I wish I knew more about these characters so that I could better appreciate it. I know just how difficult it is to get emotion into a haiku, and you've definitely succeeded here.
"Burning you to nothingness Charred and scarred my heart." I really liked the images that I was getting from this bit. My only suggestion there is to replace either "charred" or "scarred" because the fact that they rhymed sort of disrupted the flow. But that's pretty minor.
"Freezes to the core." Really excellent way to end it after talking about the heat of the flames for so long. Excellent choice!
I enjoyed this. Very nicely done!
| Verran chapter 1 . 1/22/2013
I admire anyone who can write poetry, it's something I've never really managed to get a grasp of, and especially poems written in the haiku format.
My favourite verse is how you used the method of Cyrus's death, flames and burning, to describe how it affected Frog, charring and scarring his heart - keeping within the theme.
I'm impressed how you contrast this with the idea of freezing to the core as a last line. Looking over this as a whole, I see this poem encompassing Frog and Cyrus's relationship from start to finish. My only thought (and it is only an observation, not necessarily criticism) is that the first verse is clearly timed after the loss, where as all the others run chronologically, peaking at the actual act of death, and ending with the loneliness afterwards.
But as I said, not a criticism, and it didn't detract from what I thought was an enjoyable read.
| IrishPanther chapter 1 . 1/21/2013
Nice work with this drabble, as I truly enjoyed the haiku format that you chose to write this in! It was sad to read about Frog's thoughts on the aftermath of Magus killing Cyrus, thus ending their brotherhood and sending Frog into a horrible trend of lonliness in his life. I spotted no grammar mistakes while reading, so excellent work on that! Once again, I truly enjoyed reading this lovely yet tradgic drabble! :)
| ReadingBlueWolf chapter 1 . 1/20/2013
I really enjoy your poems. They're really nicely written. I thought it, was really touching as he recounted everything that had been done for him. That was really nicely done. The retelling of how the man was murdered through his eyes was just awesome. I loved how it told of him dying with his comrade. I thought it was interesting to state that he was left. That little bit really puts you into the characters mind set perfectly. He's low and basically sees the situation as abandonment despite knowing better. That last line of being frozen to the core was absolutely a wonderful way to end this poem. Awesome job on this!
| Gibson18 chapter 1 . 1/19/2013
Very nice. :D
| Her Royal Nonsense chapter 1 . 1/19/2013
Well, this was absolutely lovely; very sad and depressing mind you, but it certainly struck a soft spot and your imagery was so vivid and alive. I can't even begin to provide you with any sort of critique for it, because I do not feel qualified to do so; I'm completely and utterly rubbish at poems, so I'm always impressed with people who can write them particularly well.
The bit that got at me the most was perhaps when you actually write about how Cyrus died -that he was set to fire by the snap of Magnus' fingers. There was something really strong and powerful about those six lines there.
This truly was very well done, LB.
| darkaccalia520 chapter 1 . 1/13/2013
Oh, my. This was a lovely poem, although it was sad. I only know the characters through yours and another forum member's stories, but I think I have a fairly good sense of them. You truly show the strong bond that Frog and Cyrus had. Not really knowing the ages of the two (since I can't recall), I get the sense that Cyrus was a little older than Frog simply by how it is mentioned that he guided him and taught him to be a great knight. Of course, I could be completely wrong about that, but that's just my assessment. The line that really stuck out to me is the one that starts, "Till the end of time." The reason is that seems to be the point where the bond is torn asunder in a way. This is another reason I think Frog might be younger since he seems to have a childlike innocence, believing that the friendship would last forever. How sad that Cyrus died by Magus' hand. Also, I'm assuming he died young...well, younger than a very old man anyway...since it says, "Your life was cut short." I did love the imagery of how seeing Cyrus being set ablaze also scarred and charred his heart. That was very sad. The last few lines were very sad. This was rather a bittersweet poem, but your word choice was beautiful. It's really too bad that Frog was affected this way, assuming that from the last line, a coldness now fills him. Certainly, nothing cannot change the bond they had. Yes, it physically dies, but I believe Cyrus lives in his heart...although perhaps it's too early for him to see that at this point. I really enjoyed this; wonderful work. :)
| ribby77 chapter 1 . 1/12/2013
Ooh poetry. Now I've got to say that I probably am not qualified to analyze this properly, but I'll give it my best shot.
The overall poem has a nice rythm although sometimes it seemed like that last line in each stanza didn't quite fit with that. IMO "On the spot you died." and "For you had left me." are examples where they rythm worked particularly well. On the contrary "Me to be a knight." and "My life so frigid." are examples where I felt it didn't flow as nicely.
For the first of these it might be better to have: "who inspired and encouraged me" on the second line and then "To be a knight" on the third, and for that final stanza it could be an idea to change the pattern slightly (since this is commonly done at the end of a poem) and put "My life so frigid" on the same line.
I honestly don't know if this is right but that's my honest opinion after reading this. The poem was generally really well written, and it was refreshing for me as I've recently read a lot of long-chaptered fics. I particularly liked:
Seeing the red flame
Burning you to nothingness
Charred and scarred my heart.
The language used here was excellent.
I have no idea about chronocross. I know it's a game right? Kinda an old-school game too, one of those ones where battles are a little bit like pokemon battles. Idk maybe I'm completely on the wrong track and am just making a fool of myself :P. Anyway, my point (before I went off on a tangent), was that I didn't feel that I needed to in this.
A very nice poem
| StormRex Lancer chapter 1 . 1/12/2013
First and foremost, I'm not so much into Chrono Trigger, but lord knows of that infamous OMGWTFBBQ moment, that drew me into it.
Ah, but Frog...how he managed to overcome his shyness to become a awesome knight, and the student-mentor relationship between him and Cyrus. I always love me a personal story, and you successfully described the sorrow of Frog immensely without taking too much space, decribing the fact that their brotherhood is now nothing but just a mere memory, cold, hopeless, and just fading away.
In fact, through this short poem, I listened to Breaking Benjamin's Fade Away. It exactly set me right into this tone. As if Frog's grief is suffocating him, but deep inside, he knows he has to move on, but the memories, those jarring ones he viewed of Cyrus right in front of his eye.
Cold, alone, it brings nothing but just utter heart-wrenching and guttered hearts. Seriously, I much preferred a personal story, than an epic piece, as much as I love both. Lastly, clever use of the title, Bereavement, meaning mourning. Keep up the good work. May I say that this poem is as good as, dare I say it myself, Darksiders 2's ending where Death sacrifices himself? This story can be viewed as a separate piece and as a series itself, without having any people to figure out, 'WTF is Chrono Trigger?' and those who know it is an added bonus. :)
| Edhla chapter 1 . 1/11/2013
Oh, I just knew a poem named "Bereavement" wasn't going to be happy :o
This is lovely, and the quality of work I've come to expect from you :) I like your attention to stanzas and some of your lines are magnificent, like "My life so frigid." "Only ashes remained there" has a lovely rhythm, too.
I would perhaps give this a go-over and see if there are some words you can switch out for mood or to evoke better. The one I thought of was 'spot' which is a bit of a casual word for a poem about bereavement. "Place"? Not sure, your poem :)
It's fantastic to see you in RT and to be able to review something from you again. Write more soon xx
| Helicarriers chapter 1 . 1/11/2013
I liked this one-shot. It had quite an impact, because you've successfully established a backstory/history of Frog and Cyrus, along with the circumstances that cost Cyrus his life and the repercussions of his death, all in 124 words.
I particularly liked the contrast of "red flame" (which is rather haunting imagery in its own right) against "frigid" in the final line, which goes with the fact that Frog feels alone after Cyrus' death. And "Only ashes remained there"/"Our brotherhood had perished" was chilling. Not only had he perished, but Frog's sense of connection with him was broken.
I only had one reservation, and it was the repetition of "time" in lines 9 and 10. I found the word didn't quite work twice in a row like that, just from the way it read out.
But other than that, nicely done!