Reviews for Legacy of Fire: Book One: Howl of the Carrion King
JackBivouac chapter 60 . 11/15/2017
Wow! I just read the whole story on the bus. Great writing, really engaging. It reminds of published YA novels.
JackBivouac chapter 39 . 11/15/2017
Another great fight scene!
JackBivouac chapter 16 . 11/15/2017
Great action scene!
JackBivouac chapter 9 . 11/15/2017
Leaky keg, lol, great insult!
JackBivouac chapter 5 . 11/15/2017
Your writing is awesome! I'm just gonna keep reading.
JackBivouac chapter 3 . 11/14/2017
Just started, but what an awesome read!
Guest chapter 60 . 7/2/2015
This tale was fantastic! Really liked the unique character development and sense of setting you imparted. Thanks for sharing!
Azkorra chapter 60 . 1/12/2014
Wow, having just finished this story, I feel obliged to thank you for a great read. Really, what could have been a simple AP-based summary-like journal has turned out to be a wonderfully writen epic piece of fiction with great character interaction in it. Looking forward to reading your next story!
Verran chapter 1 . 2/19/2013
This prologue really made me sit up and pay attention. You pulled no punches with introducing Xulthos's physique, and I just wonder what kind of a creature is he. So many questions - why is he locked up and who by? He seems to be incredibly powerful, able to sense and analyse the world around him, down to the inner feelings and intentions of creatures he's never laid eyes upon - it's as if locking him up physically is futile. But it is interesting that he can only wait for that someone to come close enough for him to wield his controlling powers on them.

The short sentences brought this scene into intense clarity, especially with the physical detail - the multifaceted eyes, the wings and the mandibles. I particularly liked the part 'shook off his torpor. Slid out from under his madness'. It tells us so much about how long he's been there, and the word 'tomb' suggests he's destined to be there for ever.

This piece has set the story up well, and I'm ready to turn the page. Is this Xulthos's chance to escape?
Kuann chapter 1 . 2/17/2013
Very nice start. I have no idea who this Xulthos character is - my experience in D&D is limited and not in the realm of Pathfinder - but you set up his character well. Your exposition, what with the earthen tomb and ruined town, was just enough to describe the landscape and general mood without bogging down the action. I do think, however, that a little more wouldn't have hurt you.

I also want to bring attention to your use of the word "insectile." I believe that "insectoid" may be more apt; I have seen it used more often. Spell check is telling me that both words are incorrect, however, so you may take your pick :)

Overall, interesting start to the story. Xulthos seems devious indeed; though I wonder...

"His mandibles clicked. His claws shuddered. His insectile wings flitted in agitation."

Followed by:

"Xulthos twisted his insectile features into a cruel smile."

Can a creature with mandibles even smile?! This mental image had me chuckling. In all seriousness, good start; I just wanted to bring up the smiling mandibles thing in case you did not intend for that tiny inconsistency. I look forward to reading more.
darkaccalia520 chapter 1 . 2/17/2013
Ah, because I already reviewed the second chapter since that was the original prologue, I'll have to put my review here...but please know this is for chapter two, okay?

Wow! I really enjoyed Haleen's story. I don't know if I liked her father much; he seems like a bit of a coward, but I thought it was very brave of Haleen to offer to go in her father's place. But instead of saying no, her father agrees...and offers his other daughter as well. I don't know; I'm not sure that was much better, but I suppose he knew that his children wouldn't be killed...not right away anyway. I found it kind of funny that Haleen escaped at least once a week, but I found it sad that her sister had it harder than she did. I also found it sad that her sister was killed, so I found it quite shocking when she ran away again and her mother killed the guards. I mean, I'm glad it happened, but it was sad her mother died, too. Everyone in Haleen's life made sacrifices for her, it seems. So when it happened that Chochy was captured, it made sense that she was going to do what she could to save him. It was sad that she had to have a new brand put on and sacrificed herself for Chochy's freedom...and she fears she disappointed her mother.

Ah, but in the second scene, I love that you explain how her mother's spirit had been watching over her. I really love that aspect of it. And in fact, she wasn't disappointed at all. She was proud of her for what she did, though I wonder if she'll be able to let her know that fact. I found it sad that there wasn't much more she could do for her, though. I really look forward to seeing what happens next. Well done. :)
65452341 chapter 1 . 2/15/2013
Hi Meloriel! I've been waiting to catch you at RT! :D

Really strong start here. Your writing shows a lot of discipline. I notice that the POV here seems to be of the villain! A bold move, especially so early on. I'm interested to see where you go with it.

[He shook off his torpor. Slid out from under his madness] -bloody brilliant, nuff said

The short, choppy sentences and paragraphs you use here are very fitting for an insectoid brain. Nice technique!

I wonder, is Xulthos the titular Carrion King, or is someone else? Hmm.

Huge foreshadowing and dread; lots of atmosphere with only a few words here. Excellent writing that grabs the reader's attention.

Clacking Mandibles - awesome onomatopoeia there!

This is a great start! I'm interested to see where it goes from here :D


darkaccalia520 chapter 2 . 2/15/2013
First off, please know I'm fandom blind here, but with that said, I really liked what I read here. I loved the short sentences in this; for a prologue, I think that works well. I also thought it worked for the awakening of Xulthos. Well, I assume he'd been asleep since the first line was, "He stirred." Anyway, I love that he was in prison. He's obviously the villain, and I love how you describe him. The talk about the other creature, the creature whose soul he would take over, was quite intriguing. I really love how you explain that Xulthos would use him as a puppet. I really want to see where this is going. I think you did a fantastic job!

My only criticism is really minor. If I were you, I wouldn't have my disclaimer as a chapter like that. In fact, it does say in the site rules that A/N's like that are not to be used as full chapters. Of course, I've never seen anyone have their story deleted for that, but still, a word of caution there. I'd put it at the beginning of your prologue if this were mine, but of course, it's your story.

Overall, this was a really lovely start. Even though I know nothing about this fandom, I would love to read more. Well done. :)
Madam'zelleG chapter 2 . 2/9/2013
Just as a side note, I'd recommend putting your disclaimer in the actual story. I personally don't have anything against a separate chapter for the disclaimer, but FFN tends to gripe about chapters that aren't chapters, if you know what I mean. (:

I am completely fandom blind, so just a disclaimer there.

"His mandibles clicked. His claws shuddered. His insectile wings flitted in agitation." I like this way of starting us out, especially as someone who doesn't know the fandom. I was able to begin painting a picture of this character and that really helped the story to begin forming in my head.

I had some trouble following the setting at the beginning. I sort of got that we were underground but the commentary about a ruined town confused me. I think that it would really help your writing if you gave us an idea of where he is. It's really important to be able to grip your reader from the very beginning, which I'm sure that you know. I find that it can work to either start off with the setting or a lot of characterization. I think that you attempt to do some of both here but neither description goes as far as it could, so that's just something to think about.

As a prologue, this was definitely interesting. I like how you give us a clear idea of this character's plight and the things that are going through his head. He sounds like a very strong character, and it really makes me curious to learn more about him and all the things that he must have done to land him in this situation. Nicely done!

BlondieLocks chapter 3 . 2/6/2013
You rendered me incapable of looking away from the screen for even just a minute, Meloriel. Your writing is so fluid and beautiful and feels like some delectable delicacy that should be consumed in only the most languid, savored manner. Your story is rich with so much emotion, your plot is heart wrenching and captivating all at once, and your characters are real portraits of the human condition, twisted out of shape under the only the most disgusting, deplorable condition they must face. This is truly a dark fairy-tale of foreign places, exotic names and faces, and, most immortally, a moral at the heart of the story that represents love, sacrifice, suffering, and freedom.

From the moment Haleen was described to your readers, I felt an instant connection to the dynamic way you chose to present her. The sad story you spun around her pulled at my heart and stirred a deep resentment for the father she would have died for, regret for the inability of a mother who loved her to take action, and remorse for the two girls who were forced to suffer for an adult’s mistakes.

Haleen is a strong character whose strong ties to morality and what is good and bad make me empathize with her completely, and her maternal care for the two young boys she saved from a life of slavery was touching as it was enigmatic. Your descriptions render me breathless and your setting is remarkable. Meloriel, I am a self-professed fan of your wonderful stories that read like scrumptious treats.

One of my favorite lines:

“Their helms and shields glittered in the midday sun and their blue robes fell around them like a waterfall”- Gorgeous imagery here, and honestly, it felt as though a place of mystery and magic were unfolding between the palms of my hands as I read some long lost, ancient tomb of wonders and horrors.

Beautiful job, I’ve come to expect nothing less from you, my friend.
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