|Reviews for Legacy of Fire: Book Two: The Heartless Dead|
| pacificuser chapter 1 . 5/17/2013
nice! straight to my favorites lists!
| pacificuser chapter 1 . 2/16/2013
cool! part 2 is up! good work!
| numbertheory1000 chapter 2 . 2/15/2013
First of all, I must say that I am completely blind to this fandom before reading this fanfiction. I will try my best to review, though.
I am hooked from the beginning. The battle scene is well done.
[She sliced the dog open as it sailed over her. Blood and guts fell around her in a shower.]
I like how "shower" is used to describe the falling guts. It does make my flesh crawl a little, though.
Throughout the fanfic, the description part is very nicely written, in my opinion. The wide range of vocabulary you use while writing has definitely helped to flesh out the imagery.
I also like how you potrayed Bree's confidence. The way she spoke, she thought acted as if the gnolls were nothing to her give me the impression straightaway that it won't be wise to trifle with her especially when her trusty scimitar, Tempest is around. Nice character building here.
It does surprise me that Bree is willing to put her life in such danger even after she realized it would be improbable for the witch to spare the boy's life. The moment before she was mocking at the witch, but as soon as the witch brought out the boy, she complied almost immediately. Wouldn't it be more reasonable if she tried to lull the witch into believing she has given up first, before striking at the witch with a molded copy of Tempest she could conjure later? Just a thought, though.
I don't expect the witch to be killed so easily as well. The first moment I read about her, I expect some fierce confrontation between Bree and her. Still, it was a nice twist. :)
I can see how the plot thickens starting from the point where the slaves were killed. Obviously, Bree had failed her mission. I wonder what will become of her in the next chapter?
Finally, a few mistakes/words out of place I have found. Hope you won't mind me nitpicking, lol. (Feel free to ignore them if you think I have mistaken, I am not always right)
[Bree drew Tempest along another furred neck and smiled]
Wouldn't across be more appropriate here?
["I wondered when you's show your face.]
[It's cries would send the other gnolls into a frenzy]
It's means it is. The possessive pronoun you are referring to is probably its. This is a common mistake though.
[He yipped once, in excitement..]
Why would he be excited? I don't think he had got the upper hand at all in the battle.
["That's far enough." the Witch said]
There should be a comma after enough, since said is a speech tag. You have done the other dialogues correctly so I assume this is a typo.
Overall, I really enjoy reading this fanfiction. It is definitely under-reviewed for all the effort you have put in to create such a wonderful story.
| Codenamed-Bolt chapter 4 . 2/3/2013
Ouch. That last line was a doozy. You tell a good story, and I'm sure your players are even better when you actually see the actions in action, but...ouch.