|Reviews for In LA|
| TrenchcoatsAreSexy chapter 9 . 9/27/2013
Awwww 3 Nice to see this one got finished! I'm picturing itty bitty Jesse/Jane baby :D So small, and yet so... energetic. :D
| Lisa Ackerley chapter 8 . 4/10/2013
Noooo! When will this be finished?! Love your stories!
| TheFrogFromHell chapter 8 . 2/15/2013
[Inside one of the other cars, he could hear the passengers singing the chorus to "I Wanna Rock And Roll All Night (And Party Every Day)."]
Lol! I always heard that song as, "I wanna rock and roll all night, and part of every day".
[If he ever saw Mr. White again, the first thing he'd do would be to apologize for putting him in this exact same position once. His old partner had also missed the birth of his daughter because, instead of standing by to complete their deal of the century with the Pollos owner, Jesse had been in bed with Jane, sleeping off the aftereffects of his first dose of heroin.]
Hmm. that's an interesting parallel to draw. I'd forgotten about that! Actually, it's a bit ironic, considering Jesse's missing the birth of Jane's (and his) baby.
[But what if she didn't? What if she did use it,]
Hadn't. Had used it.
I didn't find any other errors. As usual, both of the perspectives were very well written. I can't wait to read the resolution.
| TheFrogFromHell chapter 7 . 2/12/2013
Wow, cliffhanger! Thankfully the next chapter's already posted, so I don't have to wait. ;)
You've characterized Nica well. I don't have a lot to say here, other than that I'm thoroughly enjoying your story. There were only a few questionable things I saw:
I'd write "mid-30's" out as "mid-thirties".
Halfheartedly, no hyphen.
["Ouch" barely covered it.]
Hmm... I'd consider putting this in thought notation, since it is specifically Jesse's thought and your narration, for the most part, has been in neutral third-person "author's" POV up until this line.
| WishfulWriting chapter 8 . 2/9/2013
You do a great job of portraying the characters in their own light despite lifting them out of the reality of the series. Bravo. Despite those that disagree, I have a hard time believing any fans out there didn't enjoy Jane/Jesse, so it's fascinating to find the ways its kept alive. You capture all of Jesse's qualities even in the AU settings. Very interested to see how this one pans out.
| TrenchcoatsAreSexy chapter 8 . 2/4/2013
Eeeeee poor Jane! I can't imagine sitting there being like JESSE WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU and freaking out U_U But he got thereeeee yay 3 Cannot wait for next chapter :D
| TrenchcoatsAreSexy chapter 7 . 2/1/2013
Oh damn... Poor Jesse! I'm so glad Nica trusts him though, but DAMN... Talk about upping the ante. O_O
| TheFrogFromHell chapter 6 . 1/27/2013
You did a good job with this scene. You're right; it did make the bathroom scene in the previous chapter seem a bit more dubious. I still think you might want to highlight it a little bit more (as I think you mentioned you were going to do). Anyway, the argument seemed very natural and believable. It read really fast - I just zipped through it (which is how an argument should be, IMO).
There were a few little things in this chapter. I've listed them:
["...I swear I will find a staircase to thrown myself down!"]
"Thrown" should be "throw".
I don't know if this should be capitalized. "Adam's" is debatable, but "apple" definitely shouldn't be.
Sorrys. The apostrophe is only used for possessive.
| TrenchcoatsAreSexy chapter 6 . 1/27/2013
Oh damn :( Trouble in paradise! :( Then again, that's got to be enough to heighten anyone's stress level.
| TheFrogFromHell chapter 5 . 1/27/2013
Wow. The last portion of this was powerful. It seems like I really felt what Jesse was feeling as I read it.
I'd like to see inside Jane's head about this. I'm sure that will be coming soon, and I'm anxious to read it.
You're doing an excellent job.
On a side note, I didn't find any grammar mistakes. Here are a couple of suggestions:
[The ultrasound photo was all blurry and gray, like something he had seen under a microscope in Mr. White's chemistry class several years prior. But now, instead of some germ or bacteria or whatever, he was looking at the first ever picture of their baby.]
Normally, microscopes are used in biology, not chemistry. Not a big deal, but... the o. chem major in me just had to say something.
[*This was his daughter.*]
I'd consider putting this in first person, since it's more or less a thought.
| TrenchcoatsAreSexy chapter 5 . 1/26/2013
Awwww 3 I love it! loved the description of the coffeeshop and how Jesse found out it's a girl and gahhh everything :D
They are the perfect, even though they're still two messed up people :D
| TheFrogFromHell chapter 4 . 1/25/2013
This chapter was a great read. I think it's so realistic how Jesse and Jane's relationship is changing; they didn't actually know each other very well (though they thought they did) when the baby was conceived, and now that they're together so much, that is becoming apparent.
Oooh, excellent work with the bit about the needle. It was scary - exactly how it should have been.
The part about Jesse thinking about Badger and Skinny Pete was sad. I miss them!
Good job with the tense! :) I didn't see any errors at all. I just have a couple of suggestions... not much this chapter.
Usually, you should spell out numbers with words (it.e. twenty-first)... It looks better. For the "750 square foot" bit, I think it would be okay to leave it, since it's a larger number.
[No sooner than she was in the glass doors of the office did Jesse yank the driver's seat visor down.]
The structure of this sentence is a little weird. I'm not sure if it's technically incorrect, but I had to read it a couple of times for it to make sense.
| TrenchcoatsAreSexy chapter 3 . 1/21/2013
Protective Jesse! I love it :D
| TrenchcoatsAreSexy chapter 2 . 1/21/2013
LOL awwww they are the cutest couple :D I love Jesse's last line so much :P And I can definitely see why Jesse's dreading that conversation, he can probably imagine Donald getting on the next plane to come throw him across the room again ;)
| TheFrogFromHell chapter 2 . 1/20/2013
[All they'd see is two recovering addicts—one missed step away from a relapse—and their bastard kid.]
I think you possibly meant "misstep" instead of "missed step".
There were a few other little grammar things... I can PM you about them if you want.
Your Jesse and Jane (sorry... I keep almost writing "Jessie and James"... haha!) are very endearing. As the reader, I really want things to work out for them... they're kind of like infant sea turtles crawling towards the ocean - they have a chance of making it, but it's just as likely they'll be scooped up and eaten by seagulls (erm... or, relapse, run out of money, have complications with the pregnancy, etc...).
Can't wait to see where this goes!